“I’m going to make Mom change her mind,” she signs back. “If she can stop using drugs she can stop being afraid of dogs.”
I hand her the epilepsy medicine. “Some things you just can’t change, Kat, no matter how badly you want to.”
“That’s what you think,” she signs and drops the bottle into her new purse.
T
HE DEEP ACHE
in my chest worsens when it’s time to say goodbye to Kat on Friday morning. It is a pain that just will not go away. Maybe that’s why I actually strike up a conversation with Gem. I can’t find any other explanation.
I find her reading a book in the library at lunchtime and sit down beside her. She glances at me, surprised, but she doesn’t tell me where to go, like I figured she would. God knows I deserve it.
“So how come you got sent to this school?” I ask, like we’re old friends.
She closes her book and frowns. “What’s got into you?”
“It’s just a simple question.”
“Nothing’s simple when it comes to you, Darcy,” she answers. “I’d say you’re about as complicated as they come.”
“Really. So now you’re a psychoanalyst or something?”
“Doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to know you’re one antisocial guy.”
I decide not to argue with that.
“So, what do you want?” she asks.
It’s a good question. I don’t know, really. I just felt the need to talk to someone, to build one of those damn bridges or something. It’s not a feeling I’m used to. When I open my mouth to speak, I’m amazed at what comes out. “I’m dog-sitting for my sister this weekend. I thought maybe you could help me. You seemed to like her better than I do.”
“You don’t like that dog?” She looks incredulous.
“It’s not that I don’t like her. I just…I don’t know. I’ve never given dogs or what to do with them much thought. Besides, I didn’t like all the attention she got when I was out walking her. You’re probably friendlier than me.”
“Probably?” she laughs. “I sure hope so!”
I can’t help myself. I smile.
“Whoa,” she says. “Do you ever look different when you smile.”
She’s studying me in a way that makes me feel squirmy. I have to look away.
“Sure,” she says. “Why don’t we take her to that field down by the creek and see if she likes to play fetch? I’ll bring a tennis racket and some old balls.”
“Okay,” I agree. “As long as you promise not to go reciting any of The Rose’s quotes on me.”
She smacks my arm.
“This afternoon?” I ask.
“This afternoon.”
I notice the ache in my heart begins to ease, just a little.
I
SPOT HER
coming across the field toward us. The wind is whipping her hair around her head. She’s wearing a denim jacket with fleece lining. The collar is up to keep her neck warm. Her stride is confident and she waves a gloved hand when she spots me. Star sees her too and sniffs the air. I think she recognizes her. Her tail starts wagging hard.
Gem shows Star a tennis ball. “You know how to play fetch, girl? Do you?” I notice she talks to Star in a high-pitched voice, as if she’s talking to a twoyear- old kid, and I swear Star knows exactly what Gem’s suggesting because her tail gets wagging so hard that it pulls her in circles. She barks at Gem and then bends forward, her rear end in the air, her long feathered tail as steady as a metronome.
Gem whacks the ball across the field and Star charges after it. We watch her quietly. In less than a minute she’s back, dropping the ball neatly at Gem’s feet. “Good girl!” Gem says. She picks up the ball and slams it with the racket again. Star’s gone like a shot. They keep this up for a good fifteen minutes, and despite some serious panting, Star shows no sign of quitting. Finally she comes back, drops the ball a short distance from Gem and flops down beside it, chest heaving. She doesn’t lift her head, but her eyes roll to look up at Gem apologetically.
Gem laughs. “It’s okay, Star. I know you need a rest.”
I’ve been watching the game quietly, but now I feel awkward. Without Star to watch I’m going to have to think of something intelligent to say. “Thanks,” I say, for starters. “That did the trick. And I didn’t have to be friendly, either.”
“You’re not off the hook yet, buddy. You’ll be out walking her again before the evening’s over.”
“That’s not what I wanted to hear.”
I’m still watching Star, but I sense Gem studying my face again. I wonder what she’s thinking. “Do you want to walk along the creek?” I ask, surprising even myself.
“Sure.”
Star climbs to her feet and follows us as we tromp down to the path that follows the water’s edge. I don’t bother with the leash but let her wander along beside us, sniffing at who knows what.
“You never answered my question this afternoon,” I say.
“What question was that?”
“Why you’re at Hope Springs Alternate. ”
I feel her mood shift and immediately regret asking the question. “You don’t have to tell me,” I mumble.
“It’s okay,” she says. We continue walking. “I guess I’m just like most of the kids there,” she says quietly. “I couldn’t handle the rules at my last school. I was always late, I could never get my assignments done on time and I was just kinda flunking out. It’s weird. I didn’t try to get in trouble, but I couldn’t organize myself the way they expected us to.”
I nod, urging her to continue.
“Then I started hanging out with other kids who didn’t fit the norm.” She pauses, thinking about it. “Things got out of hand. We did some really stupid stuff.” She kicks the toe of her shoe into the gravel path. “I wish I could go back and erase most of it.”
I have no idea how to respond, so I don’t say anything.
“How ’bout you?” she asks. “You seem pretty organized.”
“I’m not quite sure why I’m there,” I tell her. “I think it had more to do with my personality than anything else.”
“Yeah, well, you are a bit different,” she says. “But I’ve always liked different.”
I glance at her. Is she saying she likes me? The sparkle is back in her eyes and I feel myself relax a little.
“So,” she says, changing the subject, “is your sister going to keep Star?”
“I don’t know. Dad wants Kat to go live with our mom, but Mom is afraid of dogs. Kat’s totally in love with the dog, but she wants things to work out with Mom, too.”
“She’s got a bit of a problem.”
“Just a bit.”
“Are you going to live with your mom too?”
“Not a chance.”
“Why not?”
“Like you don’t know?” I don’t like the direction this conversation is moving in.
“Your sister doesn’t have a problem with it.”
“Well, I do.” I try to think of a way to change the subject, but I’m at a loss for words.
“What’s she like, anyway?”
“My mom?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s a bitch. What do you think? She dropped her baby daughter off a balcony.”
“Then why does your sister want to live with her?”
“I guess she’s tired of living with just me and my dad. She wants a mom.”
Gem arranges the tin of balls and racket in one arm and picks up a stick with the other. She flings it toward the river. Star must have thought the games had started again because she goes charging through the brush to retrieve it. The stick hits the water with a splash. So does Star. She’s dropping the stick at Gem’s feet a moment later. Gem chucks it again.
“What do you remember?”
I feel a sweat break out in my pits, even though the wind is cold. “I remember baby-sitting Kat in the hall of our apartment building while she entertained men inside. I was all of four years old. Nice, huh?”
She gives me a sad look, which only pisses me off. “And then after she tries to kill my sister she goes to jail and leaves us with a man who doesn’t want us.”
“Did you love her back then?” she asks quietly.
“Well, duh. I was just a little kid. She was my mom. I didn’t know any better.”
“Maybe you can learn to love her again.”
Star drops the stick at Gem’s feet, but I pick it up before she does and wing it as hard as I can. Star bounds away after it. “She doesn’t deserve my love.” I shove my hands deep into my pockets, trying to control the rage I feel building up inside of me.
“You know, things are not always what they seem. It sounds like your mom would like to erase some of the stuff she did too,” Gem says.
“It’s a little late now.”
She looks directly at me. “Yeah,” she says. “I guess it is.”
Star returns without the stick. Her body breaks into a tremendous shudder, starting with her head and shoulders, and ending with the tip of her tail. Gem and I jump back, but not quickly enough. We are covered in water. I guess Star has had enough of this little party. So have I. I turn around and lead the way back.
I
T'S
S
ATURDAY NICNT
. Dad’s out. Star is sitting across the living room from me, staring out the window. She’s probably watching for Kat to come home.
“Star,” I say quietly. She turns, looking at me with sad eyes. “She’s not coming.”
She cocks her head.
“You’ve been left behind.”
Her ears perk forward and she tilts her head the other way.
“Trust me on this one, Star. That’s what they do.”
With a little whimper, she pads across the floor and places her head on my knee. I console her by massaging her ears, just the way I saw Gem do it.
M
OM PHONES
D
AD
on Sunday afternoon and tells him that Kat is anxious for me to come with him to pick her up. Apparently she has something to show me. Reluctantly, I climb into the car. When we arrive at the apartment building I look up and see Kat watching for us from the balcony. I step out of the car and wave to her. She leans against the rail, pressing something to her chest. It moves.
“Look, Darcy!” she yells. “Mom got me a kitten.”
I swear my heart stops beating. I gawk up at her and see the kitten squirming in her arms. Kat’s too close to the edge but too excited about the kitten to wait for me to get upstairs to see it up close. Panic grips me. I want to run up those five flights and yank her off the balcony, but my boots are cemented to the pavement. I try to yell at her, tell her to get away from the rail, but nothing but a dry cough comes out of my mouth.
“Darcy?” Kat yells down. “Are you okay?”
A blur of cloudy images blinds me. A baby is falling, falling. A woman’s tortured wails sear the still air and a small boy watches quietly from the balcony. I scrunch up my eyes and cover my ears. I don’t want to see any more. I don’t want to hear any more.
MAKE IT
GO AWAY
!
a voice in my head screams.
“What is it, Darcy?” Dad’s voice cuts through the screaming in my head. “Are you okay?”
With a great effort I force my eyes open and uncover my ears, but I have no voice. I can’t see anything. I can only shake my head. No, I’m not okay.
“You’re pale,” he says. “Let’s get upstairs before you pass out on the sidewalk.”
He pushes me toward the door and my feet miraculously unglue themselves from the ground. I feel like I can’t get enough air. I suck in huge gulps. Dizziness and nausea overwhelm me. Everything is black except for little white sparks that are flashing in my head.
Dad puts his hand on my back and pushes me to the elevator. I swallow hard, trying not to throw up.
In Mom’s apartment I flop onto the couch. She brings me a glass of water. I close my eyes and lie back. A moment later I feel a cool cloth gently wiping my forehead. It is accompanied by that fragrance, the one Ms. LaRose wears…
I push Mom away and sit up.
“What is it, Darcy?” Kat asks. I can see her now. She is still holding the little gray kitten in her arms. The kitten is staring at me, wide eyed. I glance around. Mom and Dad are staring at me too.
I clear my throat, hoping my voice has returned. “I don’t know,” I lie. “I just felt sick all of a sudden.”
“You were fine until you stepped out of the car,” Dad says, “and saw Kat on the balcony…”
An awkward hush comes over the room. The kitten mews and Kat places it on the floor. I glance at Mom. Something passes between us. She knows what I saw. What I remembered. But is that really the way it happened? I swallow hard and look away.
The kitten jumps onto the side of the couch, its tiny nails making ripping sounds in the fabric.
“Isn’t she cute?” Kat signs at me.
“Is the kitten supposed to replace Star?” I ask her.
“No!” Kat signs, frowning.
“I’m not trying to replace the dog,” Mom says. “I just wanted Kat, and you too, to have a pet here.”
“Don’t worry about me.” I’m still feeling shaky, but I’m also pissed off. “I won’t be hanging out here.”
Now Dad clears his throat. “Are you all right then?” he asks.
I take a deep, shuddering breath and nod.
“Then tell Kat to say goodbye.” He picks up the bag she’s left in the narrow hallway and steps out the door.
I glance once more at Mom, wondering what the truth is. The images that hit me on the sidewalk are already fading, and now I’m not sure if I can believe what I saw. She’s still studying me, looking concerned. I tell Kat we’re leaving and follow Dad out the door.
W
E'RE BACK AT
Samantha’s on Tuesday afternoon, Kat, myself and Star. Nothing has been resolved; no one is even talking about what comes next in the ongoing saga of Mom and Kat. I, in turn, refuse to acknowledge the images that hit me on the sidewalk under Mom’s balcony. I must have been imagining things.
“How was your holiday?” I ask Mrs. K as she gets ready to leave.
She doesn’t answer right away. She watches Sammy and Kat playing with Star and then turns to me, thoughtfully. “It was a good rest, I guess, but I still don’t know what’s going on with Sammy. I guess she just doesn’t have the vocabulary or sign language to tell us. But she was really looking forward to seeing you two again. You three,” she adds, glancing at Star.
I nod, reassured that my job is a little more secure than it was a week ago. “Kat’s been acting kind of weird too,” I tell her. “Maybe it’s the way the planets are lined up or something.”
Mrs. K smiles, but the frown is back by the time she heads out the door.