Just Enough Light (16 page)

“What name did you give them?”

“I made one up. That was the first time. I gave them the first name that came to me, and just like that, I became someone else. I guess I’ve been doing that ever since.”

“Why did you never go back? Why didn’t you confront your parents or file charges?”

“I’m not sure whether this will make sense to you, but the loss of innocence, it can’t be undone, no matter what you do or how hard you try. So there really was no point in going back.”

Placing a gentle hand under Kellen’s chin, Harrison made her look at him. “I understand. And Kellen? You need to know, I’m so very sorry.”

She nodded. “I can see that. I can also see you knew all along, yet you never said anything. Never told me you knew.”

“I decided I would let you make that choice. I decided if you wanted to talk to me about your past at any time, I would be there to listen.”

“And you never told Annie.”

“No, for the same reason. I know my daughter. And I figured if you ever felt you could trust someone—trust her—enough to share what had happened to you, Annie would be there to listen. She would stand by you and offer whatever you needed. But it wouldn’t change the essence of your friendship.”

Kellen turned to Annie. “And does it? Does it change anything between us?”

“Kellen Ryan, how can you even ask that?” Annie gave Kellen a shaky smile, her eyes swimming with tears. “I know you. I’ve known you since you saved my life ten years ago. You’re my best friend, the sister I’d always hoped for, and I love you. Nothing can change that.”

Looking as if the world had tilted under her and she hadn’t found a way to regain her balance, Kellen merely nodded.

“At the time, was there no one else?” Dana asked. “No one you could turn to for help?”

“I’d been homeschooled, so other than my father’s artist friends, I had virtually no contact with others. The hospital arranged for a social worker to come and see me. But I heard her talking to the doctors about putting me into a foster home while they tried to find out who I was and what had happened to me. I didn’t think anyone would believe me if I told them what happened. Or that somehow they’d believe my father. That it was my fault.”

She shrugged and gave a flicker of a smile. “I guess counting on others was never something that naturally occurred to me. Not at any time but especially not then. So I waited until there was just enough light to see, but dark enough for me to hide in the shadows. I slipped out of the hospital and ran. I don’t think I stopped until I found myself here in Haven.”

“I think I can understand, given what you went through,” Dana said firmly. “But things have changed and you don’t have a lot of choice this time. You know that, don’t you? You’re going to have to trust us to help you. We care about you, Kellen, and we’re not going to let you down.”

*

Kellen thought she had steeled herself, but in the aftermath of the telling, she felt emotionally and physically drained.

She hadn’t planned to delve so deeply into the past. Not here. Not now. Maybe not ever. But she’d been fighting it for so long. Trying to hold it together. Trying to hold it all in rather than letting it bleed out for all to see.

And yet somehow, word by revealing word, a thin shaft of light had shone into the darkness inside her, and a glimmer of peace descended in her mind. Was this what she’d needed all these years? To speak the truth to someone who would believe and understand?

If so, it was a start. A good start. Even though she knew that beneath the liberating words, the fear still ran deep.

“Why don’t you go back to your cabin and rest for a while?” Annie’s eyes were soft with understanding.

“I can’t.” Her voice broke and for a heartbeat or two, she stared out the window, her jaw working tightly. “Unless I’m mistaken, there are two FBI agents waiting outside this office, and the moment I step outside, they’re going to be all over me. Pushing for me to tell them everything.”

Harrison cleared his throat, not unaffected by the exchange. “Kellen, tell me something. Do you think there’s any real possibility that either of your parents is responsible for these killings?”

“You know who they are, don’t you?” She didn’t wait for him to acknowledge the truth of her statement. “Let me ask you the same question. Do you believe either of them is capable of being behind all these deaths? For the sake of killing a daughter they haven’t seen and likely haven’t thought about in nearly twenty years?”

“Nothing in life is ever guaranteed,” Harrison said, turning his head to look straight at Kellen. “Personally, I believe your parents are much too selfish and self-absorbed to do anything that might in any way interfere with their lifestyle. Of course, knowing who your father is, I would have never thought him capable of doing what he did to you. Or your mother, for that matter.”

“That’s kind of what I thought.”

“So my answer is that I wouldn’t eliminate either of them from a list of suspects, but I strongly believe we’ll find the answer elsewhere. I’m sorry to say we’ll also need to take a look at the other families,” Harrison said gruffly. “Cody’s and Ren’s.”

“You’re going to raise a lot of ghosts that might be better off left undisturbed,” Kellen said. “No one becomes a runaway by choice. The girls were sixteen when I brought them here, and they’d already been on the streets for four years.”

“Oh God. You’re saying they were twelve?”

She heard the horror in Dana’s voice but couldn’t deny the truth. “Yes, just a bit younger than I was. What’s important is we all survived what we encountered living on the streets, and it was far better than what we left behind.”

“What did Cody leave behind?”

“Cody never knew her dad. There were men around, but never for long and never the same one. She’s never mentioned whether there were any siblings, but I do know her mother died of a drug overdose. It happened not long after she tried to sell Cody to her boyfriend of the moment so she could buy enough to ease whatever demon was haunting her.”

“And Ren?” Harrison asked.

Kellen closed her eyes as an involuntary shudder ran through her. “I’m sorry. Ren’s story isn’t mine to tell. Over the years, she’s shared bits and pieces with me. I don’t know all of it, but what I do know is bad.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Harrison said. “My people can do their jobs and get me whatever information we’ll need to determine if there’s a connection. I’m sorry if too many ghosts are disturbed in the process. Sorrier still because I have to head back to Washington now. But before I go, I’m going to take care of the FBI. They won’t harass you again,” he said as he picked up his coat. “But I need you to do one thing in return.”

“What’s that?”

“Until this matter is settled, if anything comes up, if you need help of any kind, I need to know you won’t run. Instead, I expect to hear from one of you. Do I have your word?”

“Yes, all right.” She was shocked to hear herself say it.

As he squeezed her shoulder one last time, his eyes held only approval and warmth. “Be good to yourself, Kellen. You’ve got strong support here. There’s no shame in leaning on them until this is over. Annie, love, why don’t you walk me out to the car?”

After Annie and her father left the room, Dana turned to Kellen and smiled. “Wow. He’s quite a force of nature, isn’t he?”

Kellen nodded. “He is that. I just can’t believe—”

“Can’t believe what?”

“I can’t believe he’s known who I am from the beginning. And yet he still trusted me. Financially, by backing the business idea, and with Annie. He trusted that I wouldn’t hurt Annie.”

“He’s obviously a good judge of character,” Dana said. “If I can ask, what happens now?”

“At this point, I’m guessing you can ask me anything, Dana. But I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Really? I can ask you anything?”

“Yes. And don’t ask me why because that’s one thing I can’t answer. Just tell me what it is you want to know.”

“All right, but I reserve the right to come back to this later.”

Kellen would have laughed if she didn’t hurt so badly. “Fine.”

“I guess I’d like to know what happens now that the genie is out of the bottle. Do you stay as Kellen Ryan or do you start using a different name?”

Kellen didn’t immediately respond as she struggled to find the right words. “I believe a life-altering experience changes you so much that going back to who you were is impossible. And who I was—that person, that life doesn’t exist anymore. Time moves forward, not backward,” she said. “I’ve used many names since I left home. And as the senator said, there are no guarantees in life, so only time will tell. But for now, I’m happy being Kellen.”

“I’m glad. As it happens, I like Kellen Ryan. Quite a bit,” Dana murmured. “But just to be clear, who you were? That life still exists. Time does move forward, but that doesn’t mean the past goes away.”

“I know. But it’s not something I’m prepared to think about right now.”

The call came in just after three in the afternoon. “Alpine, we’ve got a report of a slide near Baker’s Pass. Witness reports at least six snowmobilers buried.”

In the process of touring Liz through Incident Command, Dana stopped, watching and listening as the center switched into action.

“Dispatch to Ryan.”

Almost immediately, she could hear Kellen’s voice, “This is Ryan, copy.”

“Kel, we’ve got a slide near Baker’s Pass. Near as we can tell, it was triggered by some kids high-marking. We’ve got a hysterical witness saying at least six buried, but it could be more. Time three-oh-eight.”

“Copy,” Kellen replied. “Page out team one and whoever else you can reach. Tell Sam I’ll meet her at the helipad with Bogart in less than two.”

“You’re letting Kellen go out?” Dana asked quietly.

“She’s our best avalanche searcher and Bogart will only let Kel handle him,” Annie responded. “I know there’s a risk, but there’s really no option here. We’ve got kids missing.”

“Of course.” Dana didn’t think twice. “What can Liz and I do to help?”

“On an avalanche rescue? Honey, Kellen will take every person she can get and we’re on the clock.”

“What does that mean?”

“Every minute a person is buried in an avalanche, the chance of survival drops one to two percent. Are you up for it?”

The instant Dana and Liz agreed, they were handed bright red jackets, backpacks, and radios, then directed to the helipad. They got there just as the first helicopter lifted off. A minute after that, they were sitting inside the second helicopter along with several members from rescue team one.

Dana had flown before, but always on a large commercial airliner. Never on anything so small. And certainly never on anything that looked like it was skimming the treetops. But as she looked around and tried not to think about it, she caught the grin on Liz’s face. “Bring back memories?”

“Oh yeah. Not all good, but I’m more than okay with this. It’s no different than being on a roller coaster. Try to breathe, okay? You’ll find it helps.”

Dana grinned wryly. “Did I ever mention I’m not a fan of roller coasters?”

Breathing slowly and trying to relax, Dana listened to the pilot talking to someone, debating the best approach. Looking around, she noticed each member of the team had a different way of coping with the nervous anticipation as they found themselves en route to a rescue. Some sat quietly, some fidgeted, others chattered nonstop.

Dana turned to Tim. “Any idea what Annie meant by high-marking?”

“It’s a sport after a fashion, I guess, when a person on a snowmobile tries to ride as far up a steep mountain slope as possible, then turns around and comes back down the hill without getting stuck or rolling their snowmobile,” Tim answered.

“Whatever for?”

“The height of the arching track left in the snow sets the mark, and then everyone else tries to surpass the height of the original arch.”

“God save us from alcohol-fueled games,” Liz interjected.

“True enough, because it’s not just the kids that get caught up in it,” Gabe said. “The problem is that optimum high-mark terrain is typically in areas where avalanche danger is extremely high. And if you climb a slope from the bottom without first assessing the snow stability, you are playing a game of Russian roulette. That’s why high-marking accounts for more than sixty percent of the avalanche fatalities involving snowmobilers.”

“Sweet Jesus,” Dana mumbled and shivered while muted conversations continued to flow around her. Drawing her jacket closer, she tucked her hands in her pockets.

Gabe smiled in sympathy. “Even with the heater on full blast, it’s always cold traveling like this in winter. I think it’s to make up for being too hot in the summer.” He reached behind Tim, then dropped a blanket over her shoulders.

“Thanks.”

Eventually, all conversation ceased as the helicopter banked, then landed with a gentle lurch. It stayed stationary long enough for everyone to get out before heading back to pick up more searchers.

Ducking until she was safely standing away from the helicopter, Dana got her first view of the massive field of avalanche debris. She wasn’t certain what she’d expected, having never seen one up close before, but the field seemed enormous and looked like slabs of concrete that had been broken up.

Awestruck, she asked, “Is it always this big?”

“This is actually pretty average,” Tim responded. “The average avalanche is two to three feet deep at the fracture line, about one hundred fifty feet wide, and will fall about four hundred feet in elevation. And the average duration for a slide of this size is less than thirty seconds. That means it catches and kills most backcountry travelers that happen to be in its path.”

Dana stared back at the field with a greater sense of the damage it could cause. For an instant, she imagined what it had been like when the giant slab of snow and ice broke off and came down on a group of kids just having fun. Pushing the unwanted images from her mind, she looked around and spotted Kellen partway up, scanning back and forth over the field.

They hadn’t spoken much since the senator left, taking the FBI agents with him. Kellen had mostly spent time with the girls and Bogart, and no one blamed her for wanting some time to regroup. To heal the wounds that had been reopened. But Dana found herself missing her and wishing things could get back to normal, whatever that might be.