Just a Monumental Summer: Girl on the train (20 page)

I let myself into the house and carried my shopping bags into the bedroom I shared with Alin. The house seemed empty; I didn’t think Jony was there. Torn between relief and disappointment, I took off my clothes and filled the bathtub. I shaved my legs and did my nails; dried my hair, and I started to try on the clothes Vera — well, Giovanni — bought me. I tried on several outfits without bothering with underwear, ending with my new favorite – a pretty, flowing beach dress that swirled when I turned in circles. Putting the other clothes away, I grabbed some chocolate, put my sunglasses on, and went out onto the balcony to enjoy the sun. I relaxed in the chaise lounge, soothed by the background noise; the quiet but unceasing rhythm of the waves, overlaid by the music from the radio – the carefree sounds of summer. I could hear the crowds below but couldn’t see them; the waist high railing hid everything but the sky unless I looked between the wooden slats. Comfortable in my isolation, my thoughts drifted to Alin and his warm welcome when I showed up at rehearsal; I let thoughts of Jony go for the moment, relishing the happy memories. It was a good day.

I must have fallen asleep, soothed by the atmosphere. I woke slowly, sensing someone’s presence on the balcony with me. I groped for my sunglasses before opening my eyes to the brightness of the afternoon to find that Jony was sitting beside me, watching me sleep. I remembered that I was almost naked; the beach dress was transparent. Not feeling so free anymore, I could feel my skin flushing. I sat up abruptly with a gasp.

“What are you doing in here?” I remembered waiting for him last night; watching the light in his bedroom, apprehensive, then disappointed when he didn’t come out to find me. I was embarrassed because he had to have known I was out there. Still conflicted about my feelings for him, my discomfort turned into anger and I snapped at him. “Do you think that you can just come into my room, any time you like, and only when you please?” I stood up and tried to go back into the bedroom.

Then I saw his puzzled look.

“Jony, I’m sorry I snapped at you. I was angry - you woke me up, and I thought you didn’t knock.” Maybe he really didn’t know anything about last night.

He was silent for a moment, looking at me. His heated gaze scorched like a touch as it roamed over my body, outlined by the sun under the dress – I might as well have been naked. “Actually” he drawled slowly, his voice husky, I didn’t knock.” He smiled seductively.

I liked his openly admiring scrutiny. A rushing heat started at my toes and ended at my scalp. I knew the effect of his frank appraisal was obvious. I hesitated for a moment, and I tried to recapture the upper hand, feeling like the situation was spiraling out of control: “You didn’t knock? How dare you?”

“Mona, stop. I saw you come in alone. I was here before, on the balcony.” He leaned back in his chair, smirking.

“So, the whole time, you knew I was in the house?” I aimed for indignant, but fell far short.

“The same as yesterday, Mona. I heard you; I knew it was you. I knew we had the house to ourselves.” I knew it! I knew he was aware of me from his bedroom.

Why do I always feel ashamed in his presence?
I thought. But I knew the answer. I was ashamed of my attraction to him when should be content and happy with one man.

“Really, Jony. You just fucked my friend, and you think I was expecting you to come and… and - ” My voice was trembling, and I hesitated, unwilling to finish my thought.

“To come and what, Mona? Say it!” he demanded, standing up and walking to me challengingly.

I closed my eyes, my shoulders slumping in defeat.

Then he reached out and touched my shoulders and ran his hands down my arms to my hips. I closed my eyes. It was the perfect moment. The moment you want to keep it alive forever. It was the only moment of sincerity. The only moment when I knew he was mine. But it was my surrender as well. I knew I would only have that moment. I knew he would discard me after that. But I didn’t care anymore.

I opened my eyes as he closed the distance between us, lowering his head to my hair, inhaling the scent of my shampoo. I stood motionless, hypnotized by the moment, refusing to do anything but feel. His strong hands gripping my hips, pulling me toward him; time slowed to a crawl as I focused on everything that was happening. The sound of holiday, the song on the radio, Jony’s breathing in my scent, the heat of his body and the sun combining to overwhelm me.

His hands moved, caressing, from my hips to tangle in my hair. His eyes continued to devour me. It was too much. The hungry look on his face aroused me.

He murmured in my ear. “Doesn’t it feel good to surrender?”

Maybe this was freedom? When when you know you’ve lost the battle and you still enjoy it? When you want to stop that moment and freeze the beauty of it?

“Mona, are you still fighting it? Surrender will set you free.”

The heat was unbearable, and there were waves of sweet goose bumps on my whole body. I whispered his name. I leaned into him, inhaling him as he had done to me. I tilted my head, ran kisses along his jaw. His fingers still in my hair, he turned my head to gain access to my neck. I tried to move; he held me in place.

I grabbed his hand. “Jony, let’s go inside.”

He shifted me toward the balcony chair instead. Silently he brushed the straps of my dress off my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. He continued to back me up toward the chair, murmuring instructions.“Lie down, Mona.”

I complied quickly, still aware of our vulnerability. The chair felt hot. Was it the sun or was it me?  I relaxed once we were out of sight, back in the moment that was fated to be. Suddenly uninhibited, I spread my legs invitingly. He smiled and eased himself down, supporting himself with his forearms as he kissed me from my eyebrows to my lips, teasing gentle kisses that tantalized, ratcheting up the heat even more. Somehow his shorts came off. I ran my hands over his body, luxuriating in the feel of him, inhaling him, reveling in his strong, muscular body. I wanted more; I wanted that weight to smother me, to consume me.

“I want you so badly, Jony, I want you inside me.” I whispered in his ear. I felt a slight throbbing between my legs. I raised a foot and caressed his calf, urging him closer.

“Not yet babe.” He said, his hands caressing my breasts. His hands were rough, calloused. Everywhere he touched he set me aflame. I shifted impatiently as he kissed my jaw, my neck, making his way down to my breasts. He kissed, sucked and then blew on a nipple; I arched my back toward him in response. He chuckled sensuously as he continued his way down my body, finally reaching the apex of my thighs. He knew what he was doing; his tongue teasing, the most intimate of kisses. I moaned and jerked my hips in response.

“I like your taste,” he murmured, looking up at me as he continued his ministrations. I pulled his hair, he was driving me mad. He responded to my insistent tugs on his hair, but at his own speed. He slowly kissed his way past my navel, attending to each breast before finally kissing me deeply on the lips. He pulled back slightly, making eye contact as he slammed himself inside of me all at once. I bit back a scream. He slowly backed out, establishing a rhythm that encouraged me to follow. Sweat slicked between us as we increased that most primal rhythm.

“It feels so good, don’t stop,” I moaned and coiled my slender legs around his back. His hands continued to caress me as he moved inside of me. Suddenly he flipped me over and had me kneel on the chair. He violently entered me from behind. Enjoying the sensations that the change of position offered, I met his thrusts eagerly, moaning. He filled me, fully, and completely. Lost in the moment, I gasped, breathless, holding on to the back of the chair as our bodies slapped together, dripping. His hand crept down, expertly finding my clit and rubbing in time with his thrusts. His fingers were only slightly touching it, not pushing it. He was driving me mad; I was beyond thought, blind to everything, drowning in sensation. His rhythm increased and I came, screaming and thrashing. I collapsed onto the chair but he wasn’t finished. He flipped me over again, grabbing my legs and lifting them over his shoulders as he entered me even more completely than before. His rhythm finally became erratic and he came with a shout, straining, pumping, gasping, shuddering.  His head fell onto my stomach and he rested there to get his breath back. I wanted the moment to last forever; I could feel him already slipping away.

He raised his head and looked over the balcony. I tried to fix my hopelessly tangled hair and tried to discreetly look out through the slats of the balcony rail as I knelt on the floor. He joined me, sitting down with a thump and looking out at the indifferent crowd below.

“Do you see, Mona? The world is still minding its own business. We mean nothing to anyone.” He said pensively. He was remote, already withdrawing from our intimacy.

I mean a lot to Alin.
I could’t help thinking, awash in shame. I looked again at his perfect body, while he pulled on his shorts.

“You know, I find your lack of tattoos intriguing.” I tried to lighten the moment, searching for a safe topic.

He laughed. “I never considered myself a rock star – that is Alin’s role. So, why have one?”

I wanted to kiss him, recapture our moment in time; I was already longing for his affection, but I knew our moment was gone. Realizing that I had completely forgotten about Alin and rehearsal, I turned to Jony, horrified. “You are supposed to be with the band; what if they had come looking for you?!”

“No way; if I don’t show up, they rehearse without me. What about you?”

I looked again at his perfect body, while he was getting dressed.

“I think something deep inside me wanted to get caught – I tend to sabotage all my relationships.” I said shamefully, admitting the truth. I leaned my head back against the balcony railing and closed my eyes in defeat. I could feel Jony withdrawing further with every breath. Sure enough, he made and excuse – albeit a plausible one – to leave.

“Mona, I should go – the band doesn’t care if I don’t’ show for rehearsal, but I need to make it in time for the show,” he said standing, walking to the bedroom door.

“Jony, please.” I said, not sure how to ask the question, scrambling back into my dress, then following him through the bedroom into the living room.

“I know. I won’t tell him. Unless you will.”

“Oh, no! No way!” I said, aghast. There was no way I wanted to see the hurt on Alin’s face if he discovered my betrayal. No way I wanted to lose Alin.

He kissed me casually as he tugged a shirt on and grabbed his keys. He smiled, then said,“I liked the transparent dress. I have loved your body from the moment I saw you in the train station.”

“So you did notice me. You hid it well. All this time, I tried to get your attention.”

“You had it, babe, from the moment I saw you. You just didn’t deserve it right away,” he said with a teasing smile.

As he walked out the door, I returned to the balcony, leaning on the railing as I watched him disappear into the crowd.

I scrubbed my hands over my face as I walked into the bedroom after watching Jony disappear. I needed to tell Vera what I’d done; to process it with someone. I knew I could confide in her. I took another shower, locked up the house and hurried to the theater. She was already there, sitting close to Ema. I was glad the band was already on the stage. I couldn’t face Alin yet. I approached them. Ema looked at me strangely. “Where have you been?” she asked.

I couldn’t help noticing – once again, she totally changed her hair. Now she sported interlaced braids of hair with smooth strands and jeweled links. The long fall of soft-bodied curls was making her look frivolous and sophisticated at the same time.

“At the villa.”

Vera grabbed my hand and interrupted me. “I need to talk with you, love.” And she grabbed my hand and made me follow her outside. I was relived to get her alone so easily.

“I hate Ema. If I was alone on an island with her, I would masturbate,” Vera said in disgust.

“Vera, you are a woman. The statement is valid for two opposite-sex genders.”

“No, it’s not,” Vera replied like I was crazy.

“Anyway, what’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing is wrong. I just didn’t want to be in the same room with her.” Vera smiled, and leaned against the wall.

I blurted, with no warning. “I slept with Jony!”

“Damn, Mona, I told you!” she exclaimed in a concerned voice.

“Thank God. I thought you would be angry!” I exclaimed, relieved.

“Why? Because we fucked? Don’t worry. I never fight for a dick. Even if is a good one.” She stood up and faced the tourists grouped around the theater and hollered, “Dicks are all around us, and if there is a shortage, we can share!”

An approval from the crowd reached us, “Amen, Mama!”

I grabbed her hand, leading her back to where we had been standing, blushing furiously. “Stop, Vera. What if Ema hears us? She doesn’t have to find out!”

She turned back to me. “Were you wet?”

I felt myself blushing again. Shivers crossed my spine again. Embarrassed, I shared, “I was.”

“Again, I told you so. So what do we do now?”

“You don’t do anything. You go back home, and I get to stay here to deal with the  mess I have made of my life.”

“Mona, you haven’t screwed anything up. You are not married to Alin. It happened. You slipped. Nobody has to know.”

“Vera, I don’t want to end it.” I admitted, ashamed.

“Of course not. Alin is great.”

“No, you don’t get it. I don’t want to give up Jony. I want to be with him. And I want to be with Alin as well.” I turned away and folded my arms, holding myself. Why andhow did I get myself into this mess?

Vera took a step back. “Damn, Mona, you are not me. You can’t do that. You are too sensitive. You’ll end up loving both of them. And that’s fucked up.”

“I do love them both; in my way. I think I love them both,” I said helplessly.

“You need to pack up your things and come and stay with me for a while. Giovanni is leaving tomorrow, and I will take care of you,” Vera said with a concerned look. She was all I’d ever wanted in a friend; the mothering, nonjudgmental, kind.

“Vera, I am so grateful I have you in my life.” And the tears simply fell. Sorrow overwhelmed me. I was crying for the lost girl in me, who never had a chance to be loved. I was crying for Mona, who wished she had a mother like Vera. It wasn’t just the mess I was in now. Memories cascaded; a dam inside me broke open. My dad, my mom, the miseries of the past were combining with the mess I had made of the summer. I lost it – I covered my face and sank to the ground beside the building, sobbing. I was mourning all the mistakes I’d made and for all the unfair things life had offered me.

Vera looked surprised for a second, but she quickly dropped beside me and hugged me, rocking me gently. “My poor lost girl. My dear lost girl.”

Some guys stopped and looked at us in concern. Vera looked up and noticed them. “What?” She snapped, her arms still around me. The guys hurried away, and she yelled after them “Why is it so hard to find some damn privacy? Why is it so hard?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, hiccupping through my tears. Crazy Vera. Vera gave me a napkin from her purse and I tried to sop up my tears. 

Suddenly, Ema opened the backstage door and approached us. I tried to fix my makeup. Ema noticed. “What’s wrong, Mona? Are you ok?”

“Why do you care?” Vera asked her aggressively.

Ema seemed unprepared for Vera’s attack.

“Vera, stop it,” I said.  “I’m fine, Ema. I was sad, just telling Vera good-bye.”

Ema didn’t seem convinced, but shrugged. We went back inside. Vera waited till the band finished their songs, and then said good-bye. She took Jony aside and said something to him. They hugged. She hugged me and turned to Alin. “In case it doesn’t work between you two, Mona is mine.”

Alin laughed, pleased. “Thank you, Vera. For your information, Mona’s mine, and I don’t like to share,” Alin said.

“Sharing is caring, baby,” Vera shouted back, as she walked away.

“I like her. She seems uncomplicated,” Alin said, chuckling. He kissed me possessively. I was nervous, but kissed him back. My feelings for him hadn’t changed.

The night was still young. Someone suggested we go dancing. We went to the disco and grabbed a table. I tried to reach the dance floor. Alin told me he would get something to drink and followed me.

Good idea. Alcohol. I decided to get drunk.
Tonight it was my turn.

Alin joined me on the dance floor, grabbing me and dancing close. As we took breaks from dancing, he kept my hand in his and devoted his attention to me, brushing my hair back from my face and nuzzling my neck. Why did he have to be so damn perfect? Why I was looking for a reason for him to not be?

His hangover was still bothering him, so we decided to leave. Alin’s hangover was still bothering him, so the crowd and noise was a bit much. He urged the group to move the party somewhere quieter. Everyone agreed, so we trooped over to the house.  Everyone grabbed a drink from the kitchen and then settled in the living room.

Someone mentioned our song. “It must have been a very interesting ride in that train,” Geta said, smirking, and I sensed some envy in her voice.

I felt my cheeks burning, a mixture of shame and embarrassment. I sank back in the couch.

Beside me, Alin smiled, kissed my hand and said proudly, “She is my muse, and I hope she will continue to be.” He put his arm around me.

From across the room, Teo smiled at me and demanded, “Don’t leave. We need more hits. We need you.”

Jony said from his position by the kitchen, “You know what they say, behind every successful guy is a strong woman.” He winked at me, raising his glass.

“I thought behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes,” I said back to him, willing to join in the banter but feeling so awkward inside.

“Anyway, the song is awesome. Let’s hope Black Vinyl needs more time with their new song,” Vladi confessed.

Someone was yelling outside. The group from the previous night had showed up; they had the new videocassette with Michael Jackson’s most recent album,
Bad
. The crowd in the living room swelled, people grabbing seats on the floor and coffee table. After we watched the show, Jony exclaimed, “I liked ‘Dirty Diana’ the best. I have to say that’s my favorite song.”

“‘Liberian Girl’ was the best,” Alin protested.

“‘Bad’ is the best song,” Vladi joined the good natured argument.

“Guys, I have a new joke,” Adi said, changing the subject. “Question at Radio Erevan…”

“These are the best jokes,” Alin interrupted him, and we all agreed.

Adi continued. “Question: You said communism is the best political system ever, and yet people are living better in capitalism. Why? Answer: Regarding the question about people living better in capitalistic systems, while they say that communism is the best system ever, we have to inform you that we didn’t get your question.”

We all agreed, laughing out loud.

I needed some air and went out to the balcony. A couple of minutes later, Jony followed me. “What are you doing here?” I asked him, turning my head, trying to see if someone in the living room might get the wrong idea.

“Don’t get paranoid, Mona. Can’t we be friends and socialize as normal people?’” He asked, leaning on the railing and nudging me with his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I tend to easily freak out it seems.” I sighed.

He reached over and grabbed my hand, nudging me into the shadow of the balcony. Damn, it felt so forbidden and good. “Don’t move. Shhhh; act normal.” we were still both leaning on the balcony rail. I was between him and the wall; his body was between me and the door to the living room. He dropped my hand and grazed my hip as he reached between my legs. I froze. “You have no panties?” he asked, amused.

“Do you have something against it?” I asked in a defiant whisper, trying not to react to him. I moved his hand up to the railing and held it there. I had to make sure no one was watching.

A silent moan escaped my mouth.

“You are so wet. Mona, you drive me crazy.” His fingers moved as in a familiar territory. My hips were slowly moving like in an erotic Arabic dance. He liked that: “Yeah baby, come for me. And scream.”

I grabbed the balcony bar and arched my back ahead. I thought was too early for me to come, but the orgasm came unexpectedly.

“You didn’t scream.” He said and he grabbed my hand and forcing me to feel his erection. I moved to see if no one was watching us.

“Really. Look where me trusting you brought me,” I said crossly.

“Do you blame me? Do you regret it?” Jony murmured, looking at me. “I would love to lick you, Mona.” He said playfully.

“Jony, I know you! Am I one of your victims?”

“Mona, you are the one who has a boyfriend,” Jony reminded me. As if I had forgotten.

“Damn, Jony, stop talking with me in allusions and riddles, or whatever. Can’t you just give me a straight answer, please?” I demanded.

“I don’t like victims. They’re pathetic. I told you already, you’re the one in control, not me.”

I was concerned we might raise suspicions. “One of us has to go inside,” I said.

“You go.” He shifted slightly away from me. I held on to his hand and tugged him back.

“Wait, can you tell me what Vera told you before she left?”

“Why? Are you jealous?”

“No. She loves me, I love her, no room for jealousy.”

“She told me funny story about a scientist who did an experiment. He took a flea, put it on the paper and said, ‘Jump.’ The flea jumped. Then he cut its legs and asked it to jump again. The flea didn’t. Then he took a pen and wrote down, ‘If you cut its legs, the flea can’t hear.’”

“Such a moron,” I said, snorting.

“Exactly what she said. But not about him. About me. She wondered how smart people cannot see the obvious in front of them.”

“What is the obvious?”

“That you were the only girl I shouldn’t have touched,” he answered, sighing, dropping my hand to rest his head in his hands.

I involuntarily smiled, thinking about Vera’s unexpected wisdom. And then I nodded my head in defeat as well.

I left without looking at him. When I came inside, the smoke was heavy, and the music was loud. Alin was sitting in a corner, playing the guitar.

After finishing his song, he said loudly, “Thank you for being my muse, baby.”

I smiled and hurried to the bathroom. I locked the door and start to cry. I was trapped between two men. Maybe two instable men. And I wasn’t sane as well.

“What are doing, Mona? What are you doing?”