Jumpers (13 page)

GEORGE
(
shouts): Stop!!
(
Everything freezes
.)
A remarkable number of apparently intelligent people are baffled by the fact that a different group of apparently intelligent people profess to a knowledge of God when common sense tells
them—the
first group of apparently
intelligent people—that knowledge is only a possibility in matters that can be demonstrated to be true or false, such as that the Bristol train leaves from Paddington. And yet these same apparently intelligent people, who in extreme cases will not even admit that the Bristol train left from Paddington yesterday—which might be a malicious report or a collective trick of memory—nor that it will leave from there tomorrow—for nothing is certain—and will only agree that it did so today if they were actually there when it left—and even then only on the understanding that all the observable phenomena associated with the train leaving Paddington could equally well be accounted for by Paddington leaving the train—these same people will, nevertheless, and without any sense of inconsistency, claim to
know
that life is better than death, that love is better than hate, and that the light shining through the east window of their bloody gymnasium is more beautiful than a rotting corpse!—In evidence of which I ask you, gentlemen of the jury, to consider the testimony of such witnesses as Zeno Evil, St. Thomas Augustine, Jesus Moore and my late friend the late Herr Thumper who was as innocent as a rainbow…

ARCHIE
: Do not despair—many are happy much of the time; more eat than starve, more are healthy than sick, more curable than dying; not so many dying as dead; and one of the thieves was saved. Hell's bells and all's well—half the world is at peace with itself, and so is the other half; vast areas are unpolluted; millions of children grow up without suffering deprivation, and millions, while deprived, grow up without suffering cruelties, and millions, while deprived and cruelly treated, none the less grow up. No laughter is sad and many tears are joyful. At the graveside the undertaker doffs his top hat and impregnates the prettiest mourner. Wham, bam, thank you Sam. (
The light has reduced to a spot on
DOTTY
.)

DOTTY
(
sings without music
): Goodbye spoony Juney Moon.

BLACKOUT

Forget Yesterday

If you don't love me this morning
Don't break the news too soon;
Can't keep the daylight from dawning,
Can't face the afternoon.
But save it baby I'll get by
Tell me under a starry sky
Just like you found me
Want you to leave me
Below a lover's moon.
Call it a day but wait for the night
Don't go away the sun is still high
I'll drink to you in moonshine tonight
Tell me I'm through I'll find someone new
You won't see me cry.

Don't have to give me the lowdown,
Call off the honeymoon
You paid the piper but slow down,
Take time to call the tune.
Need time 'til all my tears have dried
Catch me when I'm all starry eyed.
Just like you found me
Want you to leave me
Below a lover's moon.
Call it a day, it's nearly tonight
Help me to keep tomorrow at bay
I'll dream of you, pretend it's all right,
Maybe it's true
Tomorrow is new
Forget yesterday.

*
Available from Grove Press

*
In the event, the corpse was not hung on the back of the Bedroom door, in the original production, but on the inside of the door of a cupboard adjacent to the Bedroom door; the closing of the Bedroom door mysteriously caused the opening of the cupboard door, a device gratefully borrowed from the famous Robert Dhery sketch in
La Plume de ma Tante
.