After a time it was Vicky who spoke. ‘Leonard?’
‘Yes, my darling?’
‘Will Ronnie ever come home to us?’
Leonard nodded his head. ‘I hope so. He’s already made a start by coming to work on the estate.’
‘I really thought he would go to gaol after that last court hearing. Drunk in the road … cursing and fighting with the officers when they tried to arrest him. In some ways, you would
think he was seventeen, not a man of nearly forty. Oh Leonard, I wish now that we had let him fight in the war, even though it would have broken my heart to see him go. It might have got rid of some of his demons.’ Her heart turned over at the thought of it all. ‘He carries such anger inside.’
‘I know. But he does seem to be coping with life better these days. Perhaps he’s turned the corner at
long last.’
In his heart, Leonard held out small hope. Ronnie had always clung to his father; all his young life he had modelled himself on Barney, and after they were made to leave him behind, Ronnie never really got over it.
‘To hell with it!’ Sliding out from underneath the tractor, Ronnie threw the wrench across the ground. ‘The damned thing was rotten right through. It’s snapped in half
now and I can’t shift it no way!’
Having stood patiently by while Ronnie tried to replace the bolt in the floor of the tractor, Thomas picked up the wrench. ‘Don’t get all worked up,’ he told him sternly. ‘You’re always in too much of a hurry, that’s your trouble.’
‘Huh! Well, that’s rich, I must say. I’ve been working at it for half an hour.’
Getting down to his knees, Thomas peered beneath
the tractor. ‘Ten minutes, not half an hour,’ he reminded his brother. ‘You’ve been at it for
ten
minutes, and in that time you’ve managed to cause chaos. You caught the fuel pipe and almost ripped it off in a panic, and now you’ve chopped the bolt off so there isn’t enough left to grip hold of.’ He gave a weary grin. ‘Do me a favour, will you?’ he asked light-heartedly.
Ronnie groaned. ‘Now
what?’
‘While I’m under here, I want you to stay right where you are. Don’t do anything! Don’t try to help, and don’t move, not even an inch. Do you think you could manage that?’
Ronnie had to smile. ‘I reckon so,’ he answered sheepishly. ‘I’m sorry, Tom … bad night, worse morning. One o’ them days, eh?’
Thomas crawled under the tractor. ‘I know what you mean,’ he remarked cynically. ‘Since
first light this morning you’ve been a right pain, moaning and groaning, dropping this and throwing that. To tell you the truth, I’d rather you stayed away when you’re in one of those moods.’
‘All right, all right! There’s no need to keep on, dammit!’ Kicking the tractor with the flat of his foot, Ronnie cursed under his breath when his foot began to throb. ‘It’s just that, well, these days,
I’ve got things on my mind. I can’t seem to concentrate.’ A wry smile lifted the corners of his mouth. ‘Everything I touch seems to go wrong.’
Thomas smiled up at him. ‘You’re a walking disaster,’ he agreed. ‘Now just remember to stay right where you are – at least until I get out from under here. That’s all I’m asking.’
Ronnie nodded. ‘Sure.’
‘Oh, and by the way, what happened to that good-looking
woman I saw you with at the park … Norma, wasn’t it?’
Ronnie tutted. ‘Nancy! Her name was
Nancy
.’
‘OK, so what happened to Nancy?’
‘It wasn’t working out.’
Thomas slid out from under the tractor. ‘What you mean is, she got fed up with your fiery moods and quick temper, and she dumped you. Am I right –
is
that what happened?’
‘Something like that, yes.’ Ronnie shrugged his shoulders. ‘She
went off with some wagon-driver. It doesn’t bother me, though. She wasn’t so perfect either, when it came right down to it. Truth is, I think I’m well out of that one.’
Tapping him on the shoulder with the wrench, Thomas warned his younger brother, ‘One of these days you’ll find somebody you really love. You’ll drive her away with that raging temper of yours and live to regret it.’
‘So what?’
Ronnie gave the tractor another vicious kick. ‘It wouldn’t be the first thing I’ve lived to regret!’ With a parting shot he strode off. ‘Tell Mom I’m staying in town tonight.’
‘Why don’t you stay home, just this once?’ Thomas asked angrily. ‘You know that’s what she wants.’
‘Oh yeah?’ Ronnie turned on him. ‘Well, we don’t always get what we want out of life, do we, eh? I wanted her to stay and
work it out with Dad, but she refused. When we got here, I wanted her to go back and try again, but oh no! And when it was too late and we heard that Dad had died, it didn’t take her long to marry Leonard, did it? All women are bitches, in my opinion.’
‘It wasn’t like that, and you know it!’
Grabbing him by the shirt-collar, Thomas reminded him, ‘Leonard has been good to us. If it hadn’t been
for him, God only knows where we might have ended up. As for Mom, she was devastated when Dad did what he did … parading himself through the centre of Liverpool with tarts and drunks. And don’t forget how he turned on her when she tried to reason with him! I’ll never know why he changed like he did. But he did, and it hurt. It hurt us, and it hurt her more. Don’t tell me she didn’t try to rebuild
the family, because she tried time and again, belittling herself for our sakes, but Dad was so far gone he didn’t want to know! As for her marrying Leonard, what would you have her do, eh? Spend the rest of her life being lonely, brooding over what happened?’
He gave Ronnie a shake. ‘Did you really want her to go back and beg Dad to change his mind? Did you want her to suffer another round of
shame and rejection? Is that what you wanted? Is it?’
There were tears in both men’s eyes.
Thomas, too, had been affected by leaving his father in Liverpool, but through it all he saw himself as the man of the family. With Susie and his mother in pieces and Ronnie getting involved with all manner of bad things, it was up to him to reassure the others, when all the time he was feeling heartbroken
and bitter. He loved his father. But seeing him turn into a stranger had been devastating. To his dying day he would never understand why it happened the way it did. But it did, and they had to live with it – Ronnie included!
Suddenly, the younger man was crying, loud bitter sobs that shook Thomas to his roots. ‘I didn’t mean to blame her,’ he wept. ‘I know it wasn’t her fault.’
Wrapping an
arm round him, Thomas held him in a brotherly hug. ‘Just remember, she did what she could,’ he said quietly. ‘She secured us a future, and I for one am glad she has somebody else to look out for her. Leonard is a good man, you know that.’
Ronnie didn’t look up. Instead, he nodded his head. Then he turned and walked away.
Thomas watched him go. He saw the hunched shoulders and the dogged steps,
and it tore him apart. ‘Ronnie, come back … RONNIE!’ Instead, Ronnie broke into a run. He ran down the dip and on towards the lane, where he jumped the five-bar gate, and was quickly gone.
Behind him, Thomas leaned against the barn door, his sorry gaze following Ronnie as he disappeared out of sight.
He was torn two ways. He knew how hard his younger brother had tried to stay out of trouble,
and for a time he had managed it. He stayed home and worked the land with Thomas. He slotted back into the family fold and was even forging a friendship with Leonard. But like always, this period of peace was short-lived. Somehow he always drifted back to the bad ways, hanging out with ruffians on the wrong side of town, getting drunk in bars and causing mayhem wherever he went.
Seeing his brother
so damaged, was deeply troubling to Thomas. There seemed no peace for him, no salvation. Inevitably his thoughts returned to the day they sailed out of Liverpool, when he had seen young Ronnie hiding behind a column on deck, looking back, tears in his eyes as he searched for the figure of his father; there was no sign of Barney, only the Mersey docks, getting smaller and smaller, until they
disappeared altogether.
Time and again over the years he had tried to reach out to Ronnie, but when he was in one of his black moods, there was no reasoning with him.
The boy had gone, the man had emerged, but the heart was still raw with loss. And because Barney was not here to ease his pain, he blamed everyone else – his brother, his mother, and most of all, Leonard.
Susie was the only one
he would talk to, because she knew how he felt. She, too, had gone through all the emotions, the bitterness and hatred, the longing and regrets. But over the years she had poured all her energy into work, and somehow had managed to come to terms with the upheaval that had turned all their lives upside down.
On seeing his mother return with Leonard, Thomas quickly went into the barn and resumed
work on the tractor.
When he heard a noise at the barn door, he looked up to see his mother standing there. ‘Is everything all right?’ she asked worriedly. ‘Was that Ronnie I saw running across the fields?’
Thomas told her that Ronnie had been helping him service the machines. ‘He had to go,’ he explained. ‘Things to do, or so he said.’
Vicky came closer. ‘Don’t fob me off, young fella,’ she
said. ‘Ronnie was running like the devil was on his heels. Something’s wrong, I know it.’ She saw the pain in her elder son’s eyes and her heart sank. ‘What’s wrong this time? Where was he headed? Please, lad, tell me the truth.’
Thomas straightened his shoulders. ‘He’s gone,’ he said simply.
‘Gone where?’
‘God knows.’
‘Why did he go? WHY?’
‘Who can tell?’ Anger and frustration rippled through
him. ‘One minute he was working under the tractor, then we were talking and now he’s gone, like you say … running as though the devil was on his heels.’
Vicky didn’t need to ask but she did anyway. ‘What exactly were you talking about?’
‘Nothing in particular,’ he said cautiously. ‘This and that.’
‘It was Barney, wasn’t it?’ Where Ronnie was concerned, her instincts were always right. ‘You
were talking about your father, and he got himself all aerated?’
Thomas was stuck for an answer. So many times he’d been caught in the middle, not wanting to hurt Ronnie, not wanting to hurt his mother. ‘All right, yes, we were talking about Dad, or at least Ronnie was,’ he said finally.
She nodded an acknowledgement. ‘And he was blaming everyone. You, for not persuading me to go back and try
to reunite the family, and Leonard for marrying me?’
‘Look, Mom, Ronnie’s got it all wrong. He took it bad when the family broke up.’
Vicky put up her hand to stop him. ‘We
all
took it bad!’ she reminded him. ‘You, Susie, and me. We’ve
all
had to deal with it. Did you tell him that it was twenty years ago, and that he must learn to come to terms with it? Otherwise it will ruin him, and if it
ruins him, it will ruin us too.’ A thought crossed her mind. ‘What else did he say?’
Thomas knew his mother would not let it go until she had the whole story. ‘He said you should never have married Leonard,’ he muttered, hating to say the words.
‘I see.’ She bowed her head. ‘He still dislikes him, doesn’t he?’
‘No, I don’t think he dislikes him. It’s just that he sees him as having taken Dad’s
place.’
Vicky’s quiet voice reflected her thoughts. ‘He doesn’t know how wrong he is. No one could ever take the place of Barney.’
Her sorry eyes belied the bright smile on her face. ‘Ronnie will be back,’ she assured him. ‘He needs us, just like we need him, so let’s not worry too much, eh?’
As she walked away, the tears burned brightly in her sad eyes. In the curve of the lane she paused
to look up at the skies; just then the clouds shifted and from somewhere deep in the Heavens, the sky was lit with a warm glow. ‘Help him, Barney,’ she pleaded. ‘He’s so bitter and unhappy, and he won’t let any of us near. He’s your son, my darling, and he’s in turmoil. Help him, please.’
After a while she blinked back the tears and walked on.
She knew how Ronnie felt and she could not blame
him. There were times when she, too, felt the pain and loneliness of not having Barney in their lives. Yes, she had made a new life with Leonard, and yes, she had her family around her. But every day, every minute something was missing. That something was Barney.
In the beginning she had often been tempted to go back, to make contact with him and talk it through, until she reminded herself that
it was Barney himself who had made the choice; it was Barney who had broken all their hearts and sent them away; and it was Barney who had cruelly rejected her, time and again. For whatever reason, their happy life together had been poisoned for all time.
That was when the pain turned to anger, and she hardened herself to move on, away from the past and into the future.
For all their sakes,
it had seemed the only way.
S
UNDAY-EVENING DINNER
with the family had become a regular event. This Sunday was no different, except by the time Vicky had set the table ready for serving, Ronnie had still not shown up. ‘He’s deliberately staying away again, isn’t he?’ She was at her wits’ end. ‘He can’t even bring himself to sit at the table once a week with his own family!’
Leonard had seen it all before and try
as he might, he could not get through to Ronnie. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, but you know what he’s like. He’ll either turn up or he won’t. Either way there is little we can do. We can’t frog-march him here.’
Vicky still blamed herself. ‘If only he would talk to you, it might help.’
‘No, it wouldn’t.’ Leonard shook his head. ‘I’ve tried to be a father figure, but he’s not having it. I can’t force
myself on him, sweetheart. It’s got to come from him.’
Leonard had kept his promise to Barney. In all this time he had not once betrayed that amazing man. It frightened him that if they ever discovered he had known the truth all along, none of them would forgive him, least of all Vicky. So he remained silent; though there was not a minute in the day when he didn’t feel the weight of that fateful
promise he made to Barney.