Into the Night (49 page)
"Oh, God, you're kidding."
"Nope. Afterward I had something of a ... breakdown, I guess you'd call it nowadays," she continued. "Vince thought— of course, because he was an honorable man—that since we'd done what we'd done, we'd rush right out and get married immediately. He loved me very much, I knew that—but I couldn't deal with anything I was feeling about him and about James... And I was so sure that Vince was going to go back to the war and die and... I knew I couldn't bear that."
Joan made a sound that might've been agreement or might've been pain, Charlie couldn't quite tell.
"I don't really know what I was planning to do," she told her granddaughter. "I packed my suitcase and threw my coat on right over my robe and I marched downstairs with Vince on my heels. He was begging me to slow down and take a deep breath and not do anything crazy. And there was Mother Edna in the kitchen, making us all a pot of tea.
"I burst into tears when I saw her. I told her that I had to leave this house because I didn't deserve to stay there any longer. I'd betrayed James and I'd betrayed her, and... Poor Vince. I know that must've hurt him so much to hear that, but I was a terrible mess.
"She asked him to go back upstairs and give us some privacy, and he went. And then your great-grandma Edna just grabbed hold of me and held on to me and let me cry my heart out. She told me that I hadn't betrayed anyone, especially not her, and that she was glad—so glad—that I'd taken this step back to the world of the living. She knew just what to say to calm me down. She knew not to push me, too. She told me if I wanted to marry Vince—if I wanted to—then she couldn't wait to throw rice at my wedding.
"And she knew what to say to Vince, too—I heard her talking to him in the hall after she'd tucked me into bed. She told him, 'James would have liked you.' " Charlie laughed, remembering. "That was—as Vince would say—one hell of a night. And it didn't end there. I had a lot of figuring out to do before I really came to know what exactly it was that I wanted."
Joan was quiet on the other end of the phone. But she finally spoke. "Both of your husbands fought in the war."
"Yes, they did."
More silence, then, "How did you stand it?"
Figures that would be the question she asked. Charlie laughed softly. There was only one answer. "You pray a lot, and you never take the time you spend together for granted."
Joan was silent again for a few moments. Then she laughed. "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, Gramma," she said. "I have no idea what I really want. I thought I did, but... God, this man is going to mess up my life. I just know it. I don't think I can see him again. I don't think I can bear it. He's... wonderful. If I'm not careful, I'm going to do something really stupid like fall in love with him and ... God, he's a SEAL and he's a child and there's no way it would ever work. If I don't end this now... I have to end this now. I have to."
"Vince and I are supposed to come out to the base tomorrow," Charlie reminded her. "Your Lieutenant Muldoon was going to give us a tour. Maybe we should postpone it."
"No," Joan said. "That's not why I called. That's ... No, I want you to come out. And ... oh, God, Gramma, I want to see him again. I'm such a loser. But with you guys there, it'll be safe. Safer. I'll meet you at the gate at... We said ten, right?"
"We'll be there," Charlie promised. "And you're not a loser."
"I've already really hurt his feelings," Joan confessed. "I get scared and then I turn into such a bitch."
"So apologize," Charlie told her. "I'm sure you can think of ways to apologize that will make him forgive you."
Joan laughed. "Gramma, you're shocking me." But then she sighed. "Maybe it's better if he stays mad at me."
"Better for whom?"
"I don't know," Joan admitted. "Both of us. Look, I've got to go. I'll see you and Gramps tomorrow."
Chapter 20
Mary Lou drove around for almost an hour before she found Ihbraham.
He was working over in Commander Paoletti and Kelly Ashton's neighborhood today, raking out the overgrown garden of a run-down little house that had a FOR SALE sign out in front.
He saw her immediately as she pulled up and came toward the street to meet her, concern in his eyes.
She was not going to cry. She was not going to cry.
"Got a sec?" she called over the top of her car, trying to sound cheery and breezy and not at all as if her life were falling apart around her.
He glanced back at the garden he'd been working on, and then looked back at her. She forced a smile. It wasn't that hard—she'd been doing it all morning at work.
As he got closer, he leaned over, trying to look into the windows of the car, checking to see if she had Haley with her.
"She's still at the sitter's," Mary Lou told him. "She'll take her nap over there today. Can I talk you into taking a break?"
"Do you mind if I work while we talk?" he countered. "This is a big job and I must get it finished today."
"I don't mind," she said.
"How did you know where to find me?" he asked as they walked back across the lawn.
"I didn't," she admitted as he started raking again. Some of the plants in there were still alive, and he was as careful of them as he was of every living thing he encountered. "I guessed. I hoped. I... I mink my husband wants a divorce." Her voice wobbled, but somehow she kept herself from actually sobbing. "He told me this morning that we have to sit down and talk after President Bryant's visit is over."
She may not have been crying, but she sounded as if she was going to start any second.
Ihbraham sighed and leaned his rake against the side of the house. Taking her hand, he led her the few steps to the front stoop and together they sat down.
"I am sorry to hear that," he said. "But I think it's good that you're finally going to talk with him."
"You said you need to work," she said, staring down at her hand still engulfed in his. Her fingers were so pale against his dark skin.
"Not as much, I think, as you need me to listen." His smile was a mixture of sad and kind. She had to look away and blink hard to keep her tears from escaping. "Tell me why you think that your husband is so set on divorce. Sam, right?"
She nodded. "His real name's Roger, but everyone calls him Sam." Who cared what everyone called him? Her entire world was crumbling. "He told me he was unhappy. He said he knew I was unhappy, too."
"Are you?"
"Yes," she admitted. "I'm miserable. You know that better than anyone."
"And do you want to divorce him?" Ihbraham asked.
"No!"
He gently released her hand. "Why is it then, that you can be unhappy and yet not wish for a divorce, yet be so certain that this is what he wants?"
"Because I'm not screwing around on the side the way he is." Even as she said the words, she knew they weren't really true. She believed Sam when he'd said he hadn't been with Alyssa since they were married.
But the fact remained that he still wanted Alyssa. He dreamed about her. He thought about her. He closed his eyes when he was with Mary Lou—back in the days when they were still having sex—and pretended he was with Alyssa. She knew it.
"He hasn't touched me in months," Mary Lou confessed. "If he's not cheating on me, that means he'd rather go without sex than be with me." And wasn't that a terrible thought? This time she couldn't do anything to stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks. "Am I really that fat and ugly?"
Ihbraham shook his head. "Maybe he refrains from touching you because he knows you don't love him."
"But I do." Although even as she said the words, she knew they weren't true. "I did. I thought I did. Lord, he's so different than he was when we first met. I guess that's not a huge surprise since all we did together was get drunk and have sex. Now we do neither. Is it really any wonder we don't have anything in common? I hate all the movies and books that he loves. His eyes glaze over when I want to talk about fixing up the house. Okay, we both like country music, but I can't go out to a bar without fear of falling off the wagon—so much for dancing. As if I even could get him to do something like dance anymore. He's so tense and angry and... dark. When we first met he was such a party boy. Everything was a joke, a good laugh. Mercy, that smile... But he's not like that at all. Not really. He scares me to death sometimes."
Ihbraham looked at her sharply. "Does he beat you?"
"No! I think he'd rather die before hitting a woman," Mary Lou said. "I just... I think he's seen and done some really terrible things. You know, in this war. And he's been fighting it for a long time—long before September eleventh. I don't want to hear about it, which is good because he's not allowed to tell me much. But when he can talk about it, I just don't want to know. I want him to be that man who smiles and laughs all the time, the man I met back in the bar. I don't want to see him start to cry."
"You married more than a smile and some laughter," Ihbraham said gently. "You married an entire man. Laughter is just a very small part of any person."
"No kidding." She hugged her knees in to her chest, resting her chin on top of them. "I think I always knew there was more to Sam than he let on. He always scared me a little. But back then I liked that, too. SEALs always came into the bar, and everyone was in such total awe of them. Everyone. The guys, too. I thought if I could get a man like that, then I'd be special. I thought, oh, my Lord, what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with someone like that... I thought, if I could get Sam to marry me, I'd work my ass off to make sure that he'd never leave me. And then I'd always be special, and I'd always have someone to take care of me. I'd never have to worry about anything again and..."
Mary Lou wiped her nose with her soggy sleeve. "I'm good in bed. I am." She laughed ruefully. "Or at least I was. I was sure once I got Sam into bed he wouldn't want to leave, but then he started making noises like he was going to break it off with me, and I just... I got so scared."
Dear Jesus Lord, she was actually going to tell Ihbraham this, wasn't she?
"My sister, Janine, she lives in Florida now, she told me ..." Mary Lou took a deep breath and said it. She had to say it—she had to tell someone and she trusted Ihbraham as much as she'd ever trusted anybody. "She told me that if I got pregnant, Sam would marry me—he was that kind of guy— and then I'd have him forever. He'd never leave. And then she gave me this box of condoms to use next time he came over. She didn't say anything, and I didn't ask, but I knew. I pretended I didn't, but I did. She must've done something to them, so that they wouldn't work right. And sure enough, I got pregnant. And sure enough, he married me, and I'm so ashamed, because I knew. I knew. And this is my punishment now, it must be, catching up with me. I'm completely miserable. I hate my life. I'm married to a man who doesn't love me, who never loved me. I tricked him into marrying me and now he's going to leave me anyway."
Ihbraham was silent, and she closed her eyes, afraid to look at him, afraid that he hated her now. He had every right to—she was despicable. She prayed for him to say something.
"It is my thinking that this kind of man, a man who would take responsibility for his actions, wouldn't simply desert you," he said. "If you really want my opinion—
"I do." She risked a look at him. He wasn't smiling, but his eyes weren't cold and angry, the way he'd looked at his brothers. His eyes were filled with sympathy and sadness.
"You've made a mess," Ihbraham told her, not unkindly.
"And now Haley is caught in the middle of it, too. It's not just you and Sam anymore."
"I know that."
"Sam deserves to know this difficult truth which you have told me."
Oh, shit. Sam was the last person she was going to tell. "If he finds out, he's going to be so mad—at me and at Janine, too. I can't—"
"Maybe Janine deserves some of that anger. It was not her place to play God."
"She did it because she loves me," Mary Lou defended her sister. "She might be the only one on this planet besides Haley who does!"
"Yet she made it impossible for you to have an honest relationship with your husband. Do you really wonder why you've been so unhappy? Burdened with the weight of your deceit?"
His words twisted her insides and made her too upset even to cry. Deceit! "You think I'm awful, don't you? Oh, Lord, you're right."
"I think you are human," he told her in his gentle, musical voice. "Everyone who is human makes mistakes. But not everyone attempts to repair them. Not everyone fights to stay sober the way you have fought. Not everyone loves their children as much as you do. Not everyone would take the time to give friendship to a mentally ill neighbor. Not everyone stops to see another person beneath the color of skin or an Arabic name in these difficult times."
He was listing her virtues, but Lord help her, didn't he have that last one completely wrong?
"Alyssa's black," she told him, needing him to know just how awful she truly was. "Did I ever tell you that?"
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