Intensive Care: Escape to the Country (13 page)

Kate saw the headlights of Joel’s car coming down the driveway and she switched on the outside light. Not knowing whether to wait for him to come to the door or meet him on the veranda, she opted for staying inside in the warmth of her small house. She heard the noisy engine being shut off, and shortly afterward Joel knocked, the sound of brass against brass echoing loudly in the hallway. Opening the door, Kate was certain it was going to be an awkward greeting after their conversation earlier that day, but his usual trademark grin was in place.

“Eh, love. You look nice.”

“So do you.”

Joel’s brown hair was freshly washed and still damp, making the collar of his shirt wet. He smelled of soap and shampoo. He was clean-shaven and although she was used to seeing him with stubble, Kate liked how it looked. His pale blue shirt was unbuttoned at the throat and she saw a hint of dark curly chest hair. The shirt was loosely tucked into his camel-colored jeans, which fitted tightly around his long legs, and a leather belt matched dark brown suede shoes that looked brand new. Kate wanted to praise him further on how nice he looked, but didn’t know what to say without sounding like she wanted another compliment in return.

Joel broke the slightly awkward silence. “Remind me to come back here in the daylight. I’ll bet this place is really cute.”

“It’s a bit rundown, but I love it,” Kate replied.

“I saw a name on the gate but couldn’t make it out. What does it say?”

“Cooinda.”

“What language is that?”

“Aboriginal.”

Joel chuckled. “Yeah, but which one?”

“What do you mean?” Kate’s brows furrowed. “Is there more than one?”

“How long have you lived in this country?” Joel asked, his face serious. “Didn’t you do Aboriginal studies at school?”

“I took Australian history,” Kate replied somewhat defensively.

“And you didn’t learn about the whole first fleet and the invasion of the white people and all that?”

“Well yeah,” Kate conceded, “but I don’t remember learning that there was more than one Aboriginal language. Or maybe I’ve just forgotten.”

Joel shook his head. “Well don’t quote me because I probably saw it somewhere on the net, but I remember reading that there were two hundred and fifty languages before the English came, and today only about sixty remain.”

“Oh wow. I had no idea. Well I’m definitely going to have to find out what the name means now,” she replied. “Here, come in while I grab my coat.”

Kate closed the front door behind him and Joel followed her down the narrow hallway toward the back of the house.

“So what does it mean?”

“Oh. Well I was
told
it means ‘happy place,’ and whether it’s an Aboriginal word or not, I like it,” Kate replied. “I think it suits the property.”

“So do I.”

She watched as Joel looked around him with interest, commenting as he walked past her lounge room, “Kate, you’ve got an incredible knack for decorating. This place looks amazing. And so relaxing.”

Kate flushed with pleasure and was about to reply when Matilda made her appearance. Her usually snobby cat allowed Joel to pick her up, which surprised Kate. The cat generally took her time to warm to strangers.

“Hullo, you.” He held the cat up to his face, her four legs dangling in the air. “Aren’t you cute?”

“This is Tilly.”

“Tilly. Bet it’s short for Matilda.” He drew the cat to his chest and she began to purr.
Traitor!

“Yes. When she was a kitten she used to jump and waltz around the place and so Matilda seemed the perfect name.”

Kate finished buttoning her powder-blue knee-length coat and she saw the look Joel gave her. She knew the coat made her eyes stand out.

“I’d like to say you look cute too, but that’s probably a bit cliché isn’t it?” Joel smiled and a slight awkwardness returned between them.

The dimples appeared in his cheeks and her heart beat a little faster. He really was incredibly good-looking.

Kate tried to stop the direction her thoughts were headed. Her emotions were all over the place when it came to this man. She reminded herself that they were just friends. Nothing more.

And there was still the issue of Rebecca.

Not answering his question but blushing at the compliment, Kate headed toward the front door.

“So, where are you taking me for dinner?”

Twenty minutes later they were seated at the Crowded House restaurant and white napkins had been placed on their laps. Small candles burned on each table and the classical music that was playing was soft and unobtrusive. After perusing the menu, Kate ordered a glass of the house wine while Joel chose a lemon lime and bitters. Kate chose the fish for her main meal while Joel picked the pork belly. After the waitress had finished with their order and left them alone, they engaged in the usual small talk.

Eventually Kate sipped her wine, took a deep breath and plunged in.

“Tell me about Rebecca,” she said softly.

Joel held his glass in his hand but didn’t take a drink from it. He looked down at the liquid and didn’t answer for a moment. Kate wanted to see his eyes but they remained downcast. Finally he spoke, his voice cracking slightly.

“Rebecca was my fiancée. She was killed in a hit and run by a drunk driver.”

Kate felt like the air had been sucked from her lungs.

“Oh my god, Joel, that’s awful.”

She hadn’t expected this.

He continued softly, “She and her friends had come up from Melbourne the week before the wedding. We were going to be married up here. The girls were all out celebrating Beck’s hens’ night. They were walking home from the pub when the driver swerved across the road and hit the whole group. Two girls were taken to hospital with broken bones, but Beck was killed instantly.” He finally lifted his head and stared into her eyes as though begging her to understand. “You’ve probably seen the cross on the side of the road near your place.”

Kate nodded, not trusting herself to speak. That explained why there were often fresh flowers placed there. Poor Joel.

“The driver took off, but Emma recognized the car. The police picked the guy up the next morning. He was passed out asleep, still in his car out the front of his house. He claimed he thought he’d run over a kangaroo and that’s why he didn’t stop.”

Kate shook her head in shock. Her eyes threatened to fill with tears. She had so many questions running through her mind but didn’t know whether it was appropriate to ask them. Finally she spoke.

“How long were you together?”

“Just over eighteen months. We met when I was living in Melbourne. I was catching up with some of the guys I went to university with and Rebecca tagged along with one of their girlfriends. We were inseparable from the moment we met, and got engaged a year later. She died the week before our wedding. That was almost three years ago, coming up in November.”

Kate swallowed and shifted uncomfortably in her seat, not knowing what else to say. She was worried that whatever she said would come out sounding awkward and not offer the comfort she wanted to show him. In the end she opted for her usual honest approach. She reached across the table and placed her hand on his forearm, feeling the warmth of his skin through the thin shirt.

“Joel, I am truly so very sorry.”

Joel shrugged with one shoulder before lifting his head slightly and giving her a sad smile. His actions spoke louder than any words ever could.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“It’s been nice to finally meet someone who didn’t already know about me and Beck. I guess I wanted a fresh start – a new beginning.” He looked at her intently. “A bit like you by the sounds of it.”

“True,” she replied, sitting back in her seat and placing her hands back in her lap.

“I didn’t tell you straight away about Rebecca for the same reason you never told me about your ex. You wanted to try to forget and move on from the past.”

Joel’s eyes bore straight into Kate’s and she read the hurt in them. She nodded. He was exactly right.

 “The thing is, Kate, I’ve spent the last couple of years working on forgiving the guy who killed her, and trying to get my life back together,” Joel explained. “That’s why I don’t talk about it much. It’s hard to walk forward when you’re always looking back over your shoulder.”

“I can’t even imagine what that’s been like.”

Joel shrugged. “It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure.”

Kate frowned. “Wasn’t he ever charged?”

A shadow crossed Joel’s face and his eyes darkened.

“He
was
charged, and he’s been in custody since, but the whole process of convicting him and then sentencing him has taken years.”

Kate shook her head. “That’s crazy.”

“It is what it is. We just have to wait and let justice run its course. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what happens. Nothing will bring Beck back.”

Kate narrowed her eyes and looked at Joel. She heard the sound of sadness and loss in his voice. He might have thought he’d moved on, but a part of him was still in love with her. A part of him probably always would be.

“I’m really sorry, Joel. I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your families have gone through.”

“Over time the pain has dulled. It’s just a different feeling now.”

“Do you still love her?” Her voice was unsteady as she asked the question but she needed to know.

“I suppose a part of me will always love her. I have wonderful memories of our time together, but I can’t live in the past. Nothing will change what happened. As hard as it still is some days, I
have
moved on.”

Are you sure about that?

“Maybe once the guy is sentenced you’ll find some closure,” Kate suggested.

Joel shrugged again. “Maybe. I don’t really like to think about it that much, to be honest.”

The silence between them was filled with the waitress arriving with their meals. Eventually Kate spoke again.

“So tell me, what’s Emma’s problem with me? Why does she seem to dislike me so much?” She scanned his face for an answer before asking gently, “Do I remind her of Rebecca or something?”

For a moment Joel hesitated. She watched his jaw work as he chewed his food. At last he finished and took a sip of his drink. Kate wondered if she was going to have to ask the question again.

“No. You’re not like Rebecca.”

Kate wondered if that was a good thing or not. He didn’t elaborate.

“Then what’s the problem?”

Joel sighed. “To be honest, I don’t really know. Until I saw the way Emma treated you today, I didn’t realize she was still hurting so much.”

Kate nodded. “Her reaction to me was pretty over the top, that’s for sure.”

“Emma and Rebecca were very close. Rebecca was like the big sister Emma had always wanted but all she had was me and Liam.”

“Liam?” Kate interrupted.

“My twin brother,” Joel answered.

“Oh,” Kate responded. She realized there was so much about Joel she still didn’t know. He’d mentioned a brother, but not that they were twins.

“Beck was a lot younger than me, closer to Em’s age. They became more than best friends
–
they were like sisters, even though they had only met face to face a few times while we were dating. When Rebecca was killed, Em lost her best friend, and she nearly lost her brother too.”

“What do you mean she nearly lost you?”

“After Beck died I went back to Melbourne, but I couldn’t face doing the same things every day without her in my life. For a couple of years I was really angry and I did a lot of stuff I’m not proud of. Most nights I drank myself into a stupor so that I wouldn’t have to remember what had happened. I don’t know how I managed to keep a job down. One morning when I didn’t show up to work they managed to get hold of Emma. When I hadn’t responded to any of her phone calls or text messages by mid-morning, she was so distressed she called Liam. He jumped in the car and drove straight from Sydney to Melbourne. It took him ten hours straight. When he got to my place he found me passed out on the floor. I was lucky not to have choked and died on my own vomit. The next day Liam took me back to Sydney. When I’d sobered up enough, he made me promise never to drink again,” Joel explained.

“Oh my goodness, that’s terrible.” Kate was genuinely shocked.

“Yeah, it wasn’t a pretty time and it’s been a long road to recovery. Anyway, between Emma and Liam they made me realize I had to do something. That’s why I moved back here. To start over.”

 Kate looked at him closely. She never would have imagined he had a drinking problem. He seemed to have his life together. Her face screwed up as she wondered how to frame her next question.

“What sort of help did you get?”

“AA.”

Kate nodded.
Alcoholics Anonymous.
She brought her wine glass to her lips but didn’t drink, aware that Joel’s eyes were on her. Placing the glass back on the table, she wished she’d chosen to drink water, but she hadn’t known.

“None of that really explains why Emma doesn’t seem to like me though,” Kate said.

“Yeah, it does love. Think about it, Kate. She’s afraid of two things. One is me being hurt again, and two is that she might get to know you and like you. She’s still hurting more than she admits and she doesn’t want to lose another friend. It’s just her way of dealing with grief. Give her time and once she gets to know you, she’ll come around.”

I hope so.

“Now it’s your turn, Kate. Tell me about yourself.”

She nervously fiddled with the ring on her finger, trying to choose her words carefully. After Joel’s revelation about losing Rebecca, her own pain seemed like nothing. He was staring at her, waiting for her to reply.

“There’s not much to tell, really. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy called Marcus Thornton. He’s a lawyer climbing the corporate ladder to partnership in a large city law firm. We met at a party. We had been living together for the last three years and I came home from work one day and found a text message on his phone. Turns out he was having an affair with his secretary. Pretty cliché I know, but it’s true.”

Kate shared the story in a matter-of-fact manner. Her brain was screaming at her to tell Joel about the baby, but she wasn’t ready to confide in him that much yet. Other than Melissa, no one else knew, and for now Kate wanted to keep it that way.

“That must have been dreadful for you,” Joel acknowledged, sincerity filling his voice.

“It was. It
is.
I felt so violated at the time. And confused. And hurt. Most of all I just felt angry. I would have married him in an instant and he knew that. I used to look at rings all the time and dream of standing at the altar in my white dress on my wedding day. Now that I look back though, I realize Marcus wasn’t interested in getting married. He always made an excuse. ‘After I get this new position,’ or ‘after we pay off the new car,’ or ‘let’s go overseas and have a holiday instead, it will be so much cheaper than a wedding and honeymoon.’ Or the one excuse I believed the most, ‘I don’t need a piece of paper to prove how much I love you.’”

“So you kicked him out?” Joel asked.

“No. I just packed up my stuff and left the same day. I hate confrontation. I moved back home with my parents but eventually knew I had to do something. I love my parents, but living back at home kind of sucked when it came to my independence. So I applied for the job here and moved three weeks later. It was all a bit of a rush really. I’m not usually a spontaneous type of person. I don’t typically like surprises and I like to take my time making decisions. But this just happened and it felt right – like I was stepping into a whole new season. My brother reckons I’ve watched too many episodes of
Escape to the Country
and Dad just thinks I’m a hopeless romantic.” She shrugged. “Maybe I am.”

“So have you seen him since?” Joel asked.

“No. And I don’t want to. I changed my phone number and he still managed to track me down. He’s found out I’m living up here but he doesn’t know where. He’s sent flowers to work twice now.”

“Ah yes, I remember now. The guilt flowers guy.”

Kate nodded. “Yeah, he thinks he can buy me back.”

“Has he apologized then? Asked you back?”

“No. He doesn’t even know why I left! I didn’t even tell him I’d found out about the affair!” Kate answered.

“Whoa. Hang on. You haven’t spoken to him? So he hasn’t even denied it or anything?”

“I have no idea. Honestly. I refuse to speak to him and he’s finally stopped calling and texting me.”

“But Kate, what if it was a mistake? What if he wasn’t having an affair? You haven’t given him a chance to tell you what really happened. What if the text thing was a mistake?”

Kate looked at Joel in surprise. “Are you sticking up for him?”

“No. It’s not that at all, Kate. It’s just that one thing I’ve learned in dealing with my grief over Rebecca’s death is that in order to move on, sometimes you need to have the whole picture in front of you.”

Kate shrugged. She wasn’t going to enter into an argument.

“Anyway, what did you even see in this guy?”

“He treated me well,” Kate replied. “He was generous and decent and had a great sense of humor.”

“And?”

She flushed. “And he made me feel special.” She didn’t want to elaborate but she was sure Joel understood what she meant. She wasn’t about to tell Joel that Marcus kissed her in a way that made her toes curl with pleasure.

“Well, all I’m saying is that you can’t move on unless you forgive him. And it’s pretty hard to do that when you don’t even know what really happened.”

“I’m not going to forgive him!” Kate realized she was speaking loudly when she saw some of the other diners look in her direction. She quickly lowered her voice. “He hurt me so much and he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. I will never forget what he did to me.” She had her reasons for ignoring Marcus and didn’t want to discuss them with anyone, especially Joel. No one, other than Melissa, really understood how badly Marcus had hurt her over the years. Joel looked upset and she was immediately ashamed at her outburst.

“Forgiving him doesn’t mean you have to forget what he did. But it will help you move on. Otherwise you’re just carrying a burden around that’s going to get heavier and heavier the longer you leave it there. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about,” Joel said.

He sounded just like Melissa.

“Yeah, well, maybe one day. But right now I’d really like to change the subject. Can we order dessert?” Kate asked.