Insider X (24 page)

42

LUNCH WAS A feast.  More incredible offerings.  But Na ate like a bird.  She wasn’t hungry.  Her appetite was dampened.

They were back at the desk now.

“Techniques,” Crush said.  He was all business.  It was time for training to resume.

He hadn’t eaten much at lunch either, Na had noticed.  He also didn’t seem his normal fun self.  Perhaps he didn’t like this place?

No, that couldn’t be it.  Such great food.  They could get cappuccino whenever they wanted.  All the ice cream they could eat.  And the shopping afterwards?  Oh my goodness.  This was place was paradise.

Na didn’t know if those were Kitty Kat’s thoughts or her own.  The sarcasm, however, wasn’t lost on her.  She was a quick learner.  Yes, she was.

“Techniques.  Oh, fun!” Na said, in a chipper voice.

Crush almost frowned.  Almost.  His perfect mien slipped for a split second, but he caught himself.  He probably thought Na rash.  Too obvious with her sarcasm, perhaps?  Not that it was that obvious.  Na might just sound like a true patriot.  A believer in the cause.  Yes, those bad bad Americans.  We must punish those Americans.  They hate us.  Try and give us cancer.  Try and poison our skies.

We must destroy them.  Destroy the Arrogant Overlord!  Destroy the Subversive Instigator!

My goodness.  So corny.  The irony of it all made Na want to laugh.

No.  No laughing.

Na used her serious face.  “Tell me about techniques.”

Crush took control of the mouse.  He opened up another module.  Module number two million and three.

Well, not really.  It wasn’t that number.  But it seemed like it.  How many training modules did they have, Na wondered?

Crush explained the ‘divisions’ again.  He used the word “divisors”, though.  Like in math.  Divisor.  How to split something in two.

“You want to split and continue to subdivide the general population, using various profiles to accomplish this,” Crush said.  “For example, one of your tasks, depending on your duty, may be to erode support for a referendum that will be decided in the off-election year.”

“They wouldn’t have me do that, would they?” Na said.  “I don’t know much stuff about that.  Can’t I do something fun?”

“Na, I don’t know what your duty will be,” Crush said.  He was somber.  “It will be based on your scores.”

“What are some of the duties?” Na said.  “What kind of things might I have to do?”

“I will tell you about techniques,” Crush said, more sternly this time.  “Listen.  No more questions.”  He gave her a look.  Na realized that must be one of the rules.  No questions about duty, even here when learning about duty—no questions.  Duty questions were off limits.

What was with these people and their rules?  Na had not been given a list, yet.  No list with rules.  What was she supposed to do?  Mind read?

Guess so.

Crush continued with her training.

43

NA WAS GETTING up to speed, quickly.  The ‘Divisions’ thing had clued her in.  They weren’t doing nice stuff here.

Nope.  Not even close.  She was so right when she was thinking: DOODIEDOODIEDOODIE.  This was Doodie Town.

Stinky.

Na crinkled her nose.  She probably looked cute doing that.  Crush didn’t seem to notice how cute she looked.

But one thing had changed; Na could read him pretty easily now.  It was like a light switch had been flipped.  She was picking up his ‘feelings’.  He hated this too.  Thought this place was a big doodie.

GOODY.

She’d thought so, but she’d gotten worried for a second.  He had gotten so somber, so serious, for a while.  She didn’t want him to be one of those grey men fans.  One of those people who thought the grey men were actually good guys.  Not that those people really existed.

They couldn’t be real.  Who thought grey men were good?  Well… maybe it was a little different if you were actually a grey man.

Was Na a grey man now?  So what did that mean?  Did she hate herself?

Time to nod.  Time to let Crush know she was still listening.

“Many of these sites,” Crush said, “will have a record of every post, comment, like or other action you do on their sites.  As you flesh out your profiles be aware of that.  You want to be consistent with all your posts.  Use the same ‘voice’.  By this I mean syntax and writing style.  Do you know what syntax means?”

“Of course,” Na said.  “It is a sin to tax.  Tax is bad.”  She said it very seriously.

“Na,” Crush said.  His voice was scolding.  “No jokes.”

“Sorry.  I know syntax,” Na said.

“Can you define it for me?” Crush said.

“Really?” Na said.  “You’re going to make me do that?”

“I need to know you understand these concepts,” Crush said.  “This is very serious stuff.  Our duty is paramount here.  We work on a great cause.”

Na was almost overwhelmed by his ‘feelings’.  Crush was being so transparent now.  It was like he was trying to communicate with her not using words.  It wasn’t his facial expressions, or his tone of voice.  It was that intangible thing that Na could read sometimes.  He was projecting it now.  She could feel it.

Crush wanted her to know he didn’t believe any of this garbage.  Goody goody.  She could play this game.  Be a patriot too.

“I understand,” Na said.  “Syntax is the organization of sentences.  How the words are put together.  A pattern in the language.”

“Good, Na.” Crush nodded.  And he smiled.  Could he read her thoughts too?  Did he know how she felt about this stuff?

Yes.

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

Na almost dropped her jaw.  She had felt his answer.  Not a feeling, but as if she could sense the word.  The actual word.  That ‘yes’ wasn’t hers.  Crush had projected it.  Had that really happened?

She thought of the color blue.  What color am I thinking now?

Blue?

You need to say it, Na said in her head.  I sometimes think I am crazy.  Let me know this isn’t just one of my own thoughts having fun with me.

“We are the Online Blue Army,” Crush said.  He looked directly into her eyes.  “It is an honor and privilege what we do.”

Holy moly.  He said ‘blue’.  Had he really just read her thoughts?  Did that mean he’d read all her thoughts so far?  Na blushed. 

He said ‘blue’.  Or was that just a coincidence?

Crush looked at her.

Orange.  I am thinking orange, Na thought in her head.  What color am I thinking?

“Okay,” Crush said.  There was a slight pause, and then he continued.  “I want to make sure you understand the color in the lines concept.  Maybe I didn’t go over that well enough.” 

Had he emphasized the word ‘color’?  It was subtle, but it seemed like he had.   Oh goodness gracious.  Na was truly going crazy.  Of course he couldn’t read her mind.

“Use behavioral logic,” Crush said.  “Imagine your profile as being real.  You don’t want them to do something that would seem out of character.  I’ll give an example.”

Crush wasn’t projecting feelings now.  He seemed closed; he was acting his role.  The role of the trainer.  Na put aside all the crazy thinking and played the role of the dutiful trainee.  She listened.

“You have a profile that you have fleshed out,” Crush said.  “Maybe you’ve made her a grandmother?  If so, make sure you are using words an older person like a grandmother would use.  Don’t use phrases like LOL or IMHO, for example.  A grandmother wouldn’t use text speak.  They would write complete sentences.  They wouldn’t use abbreviations or emoticons.  That would be out of character for someone older than fifty.  And grandmothers are generally going to be in their fifties or older.

“And speaking more of fleshing out your profiles… take that grandmother, for instance, don’t just make her a grandmother.  Give other details that make her seem more real, more fragile and vulnerable.  Perhaps you make her a breast cancer survivor?  Or have her be a widow?  Or maybe have both be the case?

  “You want to add layers with every other post.  Give more details about her life.  Make her seem real.  Make others sympathetic to anything she might say.  Breast cancer survivors, widows, people living on social security, people who have children or grandchildren afflicted with illness… any of those details will only help in the sympathy department.  They will seem more real.”

“Do people in America share such intimate things about themselves?” Na said.  “With complete strangers?”

“Of course,” Crush said.  “They are a very open culture.  They share everything.”

“Really?” Na said.  “Breast cancer survivors?  They would mention that when reviewing a product or making a comment?”

Crush nodded.  “They are a strange people.  They have a whole pink ribbon thing for breast cancer survivors.  They tell everyone.  They tell everyone almost anything.  Look at their Reality TV shows and their day-time talk shows.  They have no shame sometimes.  What they share, what they don’t.”

Na didn’t think that sounded exactly right.  Reality TV shows?  Really?  Did Americans think those shows were real?  Was that how real Americans really acted?  Did all Americans share their personal stories with complete strangers, tell such intimate details about themselves?  It was all very confusing.  She didn’t think that was how it really was.  But what did she know?  She didn’t live in the US.  So maybe Crush was right.

Crush continued with his training.  “You’ll want to create profiles for certain assignments.  When you create them, make sure you tailor those profiles for what you are reviewing or commenting on.  If it is a technical product, like tax software, make your profile an IT expert or a CPA and maybe include some details of what they do at their job.  Google that background info and insert those details into your post.  Those superfluous details, while maybe not needed to do your post, will help establish credibility.  Others will now be more likely to listen to what they say.

“If you are posting comments on a Nike running shoe, for instance, create a persona that dovetails with that product.  Maybe your profile is a former track star who now coaches younger runners?  A track coach would be perfect.  You could share the types of injuries he or she sees with that particular type of shoe, such as arch pain, longer recovery time needed due to knee tendonitis or patellar tendinitis or shin splints.  You can do some research on running injuries and use those technical terms in your post.  The more granular you get with your details, the more effective you’ll be.  It will give credibility to everything you say.

“Likewise for home products like vacuum cleaners, coffee machines, and toasters; use the same techniques.  In those situations, I’d recommend you have your profile be a woman.  A stay at home housewife.  Or an older retiree.  Older people as profiles, particularly those with grown children and grandchildren, are usually very effective.  People see grandmothers and grandpops as less likely to lie and their opinions will be more valued.

“And when you can, make them likable.  Grandmothers and grandpops, as a general rule, are usually likeable in America.  But you can do a lot with how you word your reviews and comments.  You can have their personalities shine through.

“Maybe you go the rosy route with some profiles?  Everything is always wonderful.  Everything is a five-star review, for example.  You can still hurt products with five-star reviews.  Just mention in your grandmother’s review that they had to return the product twice before they got one that worked.  But when it worked, it worked great, so they gave it five stars.

“Because think about it now… anybody reading that particular review won’t buy that product based on that review.  Would you?  Would you buy a product, knowing it might be defective?  That grandmother just said she had to return it twice.  It is a five-star review, but it is just as damaging as a one-star review.  Maybe even more, because it doesn’t look like a fake manufactured review trying to hurt that product.  It has the mantle of legitimacy to it.  It’s a five-star review from a kindly grandmother.  She didn’t want to give it a bad score, because she is a nice person.

“You can always make some of your profiles the cantankerous sort, where they poop everything.  Not everyone needs to be nice.  But the more effective reviewers are generally those who tend to review most products in glowing terms.  That way, when they do an unfavorable review, it will have much more weight.

“Leave good reviews for products on the ‘protected list’.  Use the real stinker reviews for those items on your ‘target list’.  Occasionally, you can still give good reviews for American products.  But be selective.  If you give a good review for an American product make sure it is an older model of something; something that is about to be discontinued, or is being replaced by a completely new model.  You can always come back a few weeks or months later to review that new model, and say that your old model broke and you bought the new model.  But it doesn’t work, as well.  You miss the old model.  The old model was better.

“And it broke.  See?  Subtle; two birds with one stone with that review; very effective.  People reading those types of reviews will keep away from buying those products.  A fan of an Xbox may not buy the newest model, if he or she sees lots of reviews that say the older model was better.  Particularly when there are good consistent details on why that’s the case.  You’ll want to exploit any defects the new product might have; any functionality it no longer has, and speak about how you miss those old features, how the old model could play your old game cartridges, and now the new model doesn’t.  You have to spend money to buy new games.  You can’t play your old games anymore.

“All those types of details will influence buyers.  Make them not buy that product.  And it is very important you realize that your profiles will be examined by readers sometimes.  They may not just look at that one post or review.  They’ll want to see comparisons.  Get a gauge for that reviewer’s baseline—their grading curve.  If a profile gives a three-star review for a product, they may want to see other reviews by that profile to see how that person reviews products.  A three-star review, when all the other reviews are five stars, will hold more weight.  It is almost the same thing as a one- or two-star review.  Particularly if you word your three-star review really well.  Three-star reviews are great to use.  Use them often.  They don’t have a fake stigma to them.

“People will think those three-star reviews are real.  Readers of posts will have their ‘fakedar’ up.  You can go under their fakedar with three-star reviews.  That’s my own word, by the way.  You like?”

“What does it mean?” Na said.

Crush smirked.  “Fakedar is ‘fake radar’.  People know that fakery is out there.  They think they can easily spot it.  Five-star reviews or one-star reviews have that natural hurdle to them.  They already seem suspect in some people’s eyes.  Might be fake, because they are too glowing or too nasty.  So we have to compensate for those discerning readers.  Mitigate our comments. 

“A so-so three-star review can still be very effective at hurting a product.  Particularly if you mention you got the product free.  It was a gift from a friend, for instance.

“For example, you could word a review this way: It’s okay.  Works fine.  It was a gift.  I’m glad I didn’t spend money on it, though.  If I did, then I’d probably think differently.  I’m a little annoyed how it turns off by itself for no reason sometimes.

“See?  How did that sound?  I mention it was free.  A three-star review for something that is free must be really bad, people will think.  Just as effective as a one-star review.  Actually more so, as it goes under people’s fakedar.  As I mentioned earlier, at many of these sites anyone can click and see other reviews or comments that profile may have posted over time.  Zappos.com and Bestbuy.com don’t have that feature.  But many other sites will.  Even with news sites this is the case.  MSN.com, for instance, allows you to click on a profile and pull up all the comments that profile has made on MSN.com and all its sister sites—see their ‘history’.  So… you need to be aware of that.  You need to know your profile.”

“Make sure I use the same voice,” Na said.