Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) (5 page)

“I don’t think that was dying.”

“No… you’re right. But I’m pretty sure my soul just exited my body for
a minute.”

“Do you think that’s possible?” she asks, considering that it might be.

“You know what I think? I think anything’s possible when I’m inside of you. Yeah, I think part of me, part of my soul, just fled my body and went straight into yours.”

“That is how it felt,” she whispers. “I just lost part of me and it was replaced by part of you.”

“Yeah, beso,” I agree, liking that idea. “Now you can’t ever leave me. Now I’m inside of you forever.”

“You were always inside of me Pax, it’s just another piece.”

With her words, the unsettling feeling that’s been lingering in my body for the past day disappears. Thinking about Gabriel, thinking about my mom… maybe it’s something that’s never gonna leave me. That’s gonna sneak up on me every once in a while and make me feel like something’s off. But it’s not. Nothing’s off. Everything is right. I’m surrounded by friends who love me and who love Jessa. Vi was right – everything is perfect. Jessa is in my arms and everything is right.

I just got done watching Paxton play another kick ass show and I’m feeling pretty fucking perfect. Paxton is never changing, he has no problem slipping off that stage and back into my arms like he wasn’t just getting worshiped by all those people. The guys and even Vi are always on some adrenaline high after the shows, ready to go celebrate and wanting to relive every moment of the show with a bottle in their hand or a joint in their mouth or, in Billy and Louis’ case, trying to cover up the fact that they are snorting coke.

I get it now- why Pax usually just wants to go home after the shows. He just wants things to be normal. He keeps himself isolated. He keeps me isolated. He’s protecting us from all the bad stuff that used to come with his career.

I snuggle into his side, happy to have his warm, moist body back in my arms. He holds me closely and kisses the top of my head and I reach out my tongue to taste his salty skin. I love the way he tastes and smells when he gets off stage. I love how warm he is. I love that he’s mine. He pulls me further into his body and slides down the couch, ducking so our foreheads are touching and we are in our safe little cocoon. He smiles at me and I think he looks like a boy. He makes me feel like a kid sometimes, when he smiles at me like that. Like a kid who’s in her little fort with her best friends. He laughs.

“What?” I ask him, laughing myself.

“You,” he says.

“What about me?

“You make me happy. This whole situation is so much different the second time around. Because of you. It’s fun. Like I’m just playing. Trying to impress my girl who is watching me from the side of the stage. I’m just a kid who’s in love.”

“
I guess that means I’m dating the coolest kid on the block. I’m just a girl, playing with a boy.”

“It’s fun, huh? You and me. This. It’s the best time.”

I run my fingers across his lips. Ever since last night Pax has been happy again. Last night was awesome. Oh my god. I’ve never been much of drug user, but being high with Paxton was so fucking amazing. We are going to have to do that more often. Vi was right – we needed a night to forget about finals and the Lincoln show. “Yeah. It’s the best time. I love being in love with you.”

He puckers out his lips and I do the same until they’re touching. He smiles again and laughs and I love this side of him. “My girlfriend.”

“The sexy boy I’m dating.”

“You are so damn cute,” he tells me.

And then I’m reminded that I am not in a safe little fort with Pax when I hear the door to the greenroom slam open. I ignore it, so does he, but eventually I realize the room has gone silent. I glance at the doorway where a woman is standing. Her shirt is only half a shirt and it reveals her tight stomach and a tattoo snaking up the right side of her torso, disappearing into a low slung pair of pants that are synched around her ankles. Her long, blonde hair hangs down her back in a straight, sleek line. Her lips are painted cherry red and her light brown eyes are rimmed by long black lashes. She takes all of my focus away from Pax because she’s beautiful and intriguing. And she’s staring at Paxton. His body turns and my safe cocoon disappears. I can feel his arm stiffen around my shoulder.

The pain in the girl’s expression is pulling at my chest. “Paxton,” she says quietly, but the room is dead silent so her word rings like a bell.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Stella?” Billy says with hate in his voice.

The word runs through my head but I can’t quite grasp it. This beautiful woman standing in front of me, the one that’s got Paxton and the rest of
us speechless is Stella? Paxton’s ex-girlfriend? The one that broke his heart? Seeing her in the flesh, it seems possible for the first time that there is a girl out there that he would want more than she would want him.
Jesus.
This is not what I pictured when Vi talked about Stella. This petite, big eyed, fragile, beautiful girl definitely does not look like the evil bitch Violet described.

She takes a ste
p through the door and it shuts behind her. The rest of us are non-existent as she walks slowly towards Paxton. Her eyes don’t even veer to me – the girl who he’s got his arm wrapped around.

I’m staring at her intensely focused eyes and I feel Paxton’s arm slowly slip off my shoulder. He stands as if in slow motion and now I’m not looking at her, but I’m looking at him standing in front of her, looking down at her. Her big eyes looking up at him and I can see it, I can feel it. The history.
The them
.

Her hands slip around his sides, each one of her ringed fingers clicking dow
n on his hip. “What are you doing here, Stella?” he asks her. He doesn’t sound angry. He sounds pained. Like the site of her, here in his space, is painful.

“I missed you
, Paxton. I needed to come see you.” Her voice is sweet and delicate and makes me feel for her. I can’t imagine what it does to Paxton.

I watch as his hands make their way to hers. They linger there, holding onto her for what is probably just a moment, but seems like an eternity. He pushes her hands off him but it looks reluctant, like he’s fighting himself to do it. Her hands fall to her sides and they are no longer touching but the space between them is like nothing as I watch them staring at each other like a million words are being passed. Like they are operating under a completely different frequency then the rest of us. Like they are the only ones in the room.

“You shouldn’t be here, Stell,” he tells her with passion that could be anger, but sounds more like remorse. Like regret. Like words he doesn’t want to say but he’s forcing himself to.

“I know, babe. I know that.” S
he shakes her head and her face becomes tense. “Don’t make me go, okay. Just give me a chance to explain.” Her hand reaches out and tentatively touches him on his stomach and I see the flinch. The reaction to her touch. The fact that he reacted to it.

“There is noth
ing to explain.” His voice is suddenly tense as his eyes veer around the room like he is only now aware that they are not alone. When they make their way to me they close for too long, like he’s just remembered I’m here and he’s trying to accept it. He reaches out his hand toward me and all I can do is stare at it. Not sure what to do with it. “Jessa,” he says. I look into his impatient eyes. “Let’s go.”

I grab a hold of his hand and he pulls me up, stepping around Stella and walking me out the door. “Catch you guys tomorrow,” he says without turning around.

We make our way through the crowd of fans that seems to grow with every show. Ninety percent of them are female and they all look desperate for Paxton. They grab onto him and call to him. They never bothered me, at least not as much as it should bother me to have a throng of girls throwing themselves at my man. But what just happened inside of the club is planting itself firmly in my body.

We’re in the car heading home and neither of us has said a word. I feel like I’m in shock. Like things have changed. Like I’ve lost him just because that girl stepped into that room. Everything seems different all of the sudden. We’re half way home when Paxton finally speaks. “Why are you so quiet over there?” he asks like he’s irritated with me. I realize then that his hand is not laced with mine or resting on my leg.

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. You always got questions when it comes to that shit. What do you want to say?”

“Nothing, Pax,” I tell him, looking out the window, focusing on nothing.

“Shit,” he mutters under his breath.

When we get home I head into the apartment with Paxton following me.

“Come on
, beso, let’s get in bed,” he tells me.

“No, Pax. I don’t want to.” And it’s the truth.
For the first time since I met Paxton, even when we were just friends, I have no desire to get into bed with him. Instead I head into the kitchen and open the cabinet that is stocked with alcohol. I take out the whiskey and uncap the bottle, taking a pull off it before going to find a glass. “You want some?” I ask without looking at him.

“No, kid, I don’t. I want to get in bed with you.”

I pour some in my glass and lean back against the counter, enjoying the burn as the alcohol slides down my throat. I stare at Paxton as he leans into the island, staring at me with frustration. “You got something you need to tell me?” he asks me. “‘Cause I don’t want to sit here all night staring at your cranky ass. If you’re pissed about something, let me know so we can move on.”

“You two seem
ed pretty comfortable with each other,” I tell him ‘cause I don’t know what to say. How do I describe the indescribable – the air, the shift, the change that happened when they were together?

“Ha,” he lets out a bitter laugh. “She makes my skin crawl.”

“Why, Pax? Why does she make your skin crawl?”

“Because, Jess, she is the epitome of everything I hate about this life.”

“Sounds like she got to you.”

He shakes his head at me.
“Why did her in that room bother you so much?”

“It wasn’t her. It was your reaction to her.”

“My reaction? What the fuck does that mean? She walked in the room, I stood up, took you with me and got the hell out of there.”

“That’s not what happened, Pax.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me then, what happened?”

I stall, taking a drink, because I don’t know what to say. “Your voice, when you talked to her. Your hands, when you grabbed a hold of her.”

“You’re being paranoid. There was no ‘voice’ and no ‘hands’. There was nothing. There never was anything. Any reaction you saw out of me was disgust. That girl is scum, Jessa.”

“Then why were you with her? Why was it her that left you and not the other way around?”

“You want it? You want the whole story, huh? ‘Cause if this is the reaction I’m getting from her walking into a damn room then I don’t really want to see you after I tell you about being with her.”

“I’m tired of her being the one thing you won’t talk about. Why won’t you talk about her?”

“Because, beso, I know how it feels to hear about you wanting other guys. I know how it feels to watch you with one of those guys… two actually. Why the fuck would I tell you about me with anyone but you? Why the hell would I do that?”

“Because I’m asking you to.”

Paxton pushes himself off the counter, muttering curse words, his eyes burrowing into mine. He walks around the counter to me, propping his hands on either side of me, getting in my face. “What are you gonna do? You gonna pull this cold shit? You gonna not talk to me, not sleep in our bed after I tell you about her? Why would I do that? What the hell does it matter?”

“It matters because you won’t fucking tell me,” I shout, pushing at his chest, but he doesn’t move. “If all you had to tell me was that she was your girlfriend. That she left you for your friend, then you would just fucking say it, but you don’t. You don’t tell me because you know… you know what you had, what you have, is still between us.”

“Ahh… fuck off. You are already turning this into some bullshit it ain’t. If you are going to start comparing what happened with me and her to what I have with you then you are already fucking with yourself.”

“You’re telling me everything
, Paxton, everything but what I want to hear. Everything but the truth.”

“There is no truth
,” he snarls, his face so close to mine that I can feel his words on my skin. “You are telling yourself lies.”

“Unless you tell me, I can only listen to my imagination,” I tell him, grabbing a hold of his chin and clamping down hard. “Why are you so affected by her? Why are you trying to protect me from what you were with her?”

He flares his nostrils and flexes his jaw then pushes away from the counter. “If we are going to do this- rehash all this shit that is completely irrelevant and is only going to piss you off- it’s going to be in our bed with you in my arms.” He grabs the bottle of whiskey and my hand and brings us both into the bedroom. He sets the whiskey down on the bedside table, empties his pockets and takes his shirt off. “
Fuck
. I swear to God, Jessa,” he tells me, turning around and looking at me. “If you let that bitch come between us in any way, even if it’s just in your delusional head space, I will lose my mind. Do you hear me?”

“
Yeah, Pax, I hear you,” I tell him, pulling off my clothes and pulling on one of his t-shirts. I grab the whiskey and sit down on the bed underneath his Venice mural instead of next to him where I usually am.

“That’s how this shit is gonna go, huh? You gonna stay out of my arms until you get all the details?”

“Yep,” I tell him, feeling no desire to curl up to him at the moment. I un-cap the bottle and take a swig, passing it over to him where he is sitting on the bed now. He does the same and holds onto the bottle.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, kid.”

“Start at the beginning.”

He takes a deep breath and pierces my eyes with his.
“Day one?” he asks with a big, fake smile plastered on his face.

“Might as well.”

“I met her after my first show with Chaos. She was running the club we played at,” he tells me, like he’s bored to death. “I was fifteen and she was nineteen but she leached onto me from day one. I was trying to stay the fuck out of Glencoe and spending my nights on the couch of whoever would have me, so she took me in. We were fucking, but all I was was the girl’s roommate. She was my fuck buddy,” he pauses to give me a tight smile. “You know all about that, right?”