In Too Hard (Freshman Roommates Trilogy, Book 3) (26 page)

“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I won’t mention that I was here…to anyone.”

I nodded, getting her meaning. She wouldn’t mention to anyone about Syd and me. And she wouldn’t mention to Syd that she’d seen me nearly come to tears over a pretty piece of fabric. I put the scarf on my desk and turned back to Jane, attempting to put Syd out of my mind. Not possible, but I did want to talk to Jane about Caro.

 
“I saw the interview you did with the Strattons,” I said. “And I was sorry I couldn’t make it to Caroline’s funeral.” The truth was I had been so engrossed in finishing
Flames
that I wasn’t aware of it until a few days later. I had gotten together with Jason for drinks a couple of days after the funeral, while he and Betsy were still in Chesney.

 
“It was a nice service,” Jane said.

Jason had said the same thing. “I’m sure it was.” I leaned against my desk and crossed my ankles. “I just wanted to tell you…and I know this sounds kind of…
trite
coming from me. But seeing you in that interview? I was really…proud of you, Jane.” I meant it. When I’d watched it, I no longer recognized the brash and brazen girl who’d outrageously flirted with me last fall. Jane had…found herself, as I knew she could. As I had suggested to her.

“Thanks,” she said. “Your words to me…they meant a lot. They really helped me out.”
 

I think she was sincere. At least there was none of her old biting sarcasm or anything. “I’m glad,” I said.
 

She nodded at the scarf sitting beside me. “Now maybe it’s time to take your own advice? Make it less…complicated? ‘Let the rest of the bullshit go?’” she said, throwing my words to her back at me.

“Yeah, maybe,” I said.

After she left I sat at my desk for a long time. “Let the bullshit go”, “Syd”, “teaching” and “happiness?” all joined “Three Fucking Million” on my pad of paper.

As Nora said she would, Adina called later in the afternoon. I hadn’t left my desk, hadn’t graded any papers, or gotten that soda. Had just stared at the tablet and thought.

Could I let it all go?

Adina not only liked
Flames
, she couldn’t stop gushing. Not one to interrupt a gush, especially about my book, I let her go on. We talked about cover art ideas, of which I didn’t have many, but really liked the ideas she had. We then talked about her edits. She’d be sending me her full edit letter next week, followed by her marked-up copy of the manuscript. But she said, “It’s not a long letter, Billy. And it’s mostly quick fixes—a few things need a bit more explanation, some clarifications, things like that. We can talk about turn around time then, but I think once you see it you’ll agree that the changes are minimal and we can have this book ready soon.”

“Okay. Yeah, it all sounds doable.”

“Super. We plan on making the deal announcement this week. I’ll work with Nora on that. We want to get the buzz started. So you’ll probably want to get some statements ready. I know you’re at that college place for a little while longer, but we’ll have time to sit down and talk it all out once you’re back in the city.”

I didn’t expound on her “that college place” statement. I didn’t want to share my Bribury adventure with Adina. Or Nora. It felt special to me, private. But maybe I was melding my whole experience this year with my feelings for Syd.
 

Then a thought came to me. “When you make the deal announcement, are you going to put in a synopsis of the book, or just announce the deal?”

“Not sure yet. Why?”

“Well, as I’m sure you realized, I have yet to name my protagonist.”

“Oh, thank God. I was so hoping you weren’t married to ‘Esel.’”

I laughed. “No, it was a placeholder. I’m back and forth on the name.”

“Okay. If we do a synopsis, we’ll do it without a character name. Keep it vague. That might heighten some mystery actually. Just make sure you have it before I get your edits back, we’ll be going to galleys shortly after that.”

“I’ll have it by then,” I said. We said our goodbyes and hung up.

She’d loved it. So had Nora. And Syd had loved what she’d read of it. It had sold for three million. Maybe I
could
get away with using Esme. Fuck the haters.
 

I remembered Syd’s words about my original Esme/Rachel character notes and how they compared to Salinger’s Esme.

Practical. Unsentimental. Wise beyond her years. Very matter-of-fact. And yet you know she’s going to rip your heart out.

I opened my laptop and pulled up
Flames
. Yep, a quick find and replace and I had the name of my protagonist set.

I looked at my tablet again, checked the time, then called Corrine Patterson to see if the dean had time to see me.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Syd

J
ane walked with me to class one morning a few weeks after I’d seen Billy for the last time, which was unusual. I didn’t think she even had class until eleven on Tuesdays.

She’d been dealing with her own stuff with Stick lately, and though I didn’t know what all had gone down, there was a period in there when she was a total bitch to be around. I mean, way worse than usual. But, the last couple of weeks she’d been flying high and it seemed like they’d worked it out.

She’d even been on television. An interview she did with her father and Caro Stratton had aired and Jane was getting a lot of attention on campus. Which of course she hated.

The three of us had taken the train to Manhattan last weekend to shop and have a girls’ weekend—part of Jane’s birthday gift from her father and Caro. We’d done a bunch of shopping at Barney’s for Jane’s upcoming stumping on her father’s campaign trail gig. But she’d also taken me to a cool vintage shop she liked and I’d gotten a few things.

I now wore my new purchases and was…okay with the fact that I didn’t look like all the other girls as we walked across campus. In fact, I kind of reveled in it.

“Listen, I saw something online this morning, and I thought you should know,” Jane said. She shrugged. “Maybe you already do know, but my guess is the way you’ve been moping around lately that you’re not in the loop much.”

Ah, the reason for walking with me. “What did you see?” I’d tried to hide my heartbreak from Jane and Lily, because then I’d have to tell them about Billy. And I just couldn’t. So, I didn’t think Jane would be sharing with me something she’d seen online about Billy. Like he’d reunited with his lost love Diandra Scott and was now engaged.

“Remember our prof from last semester? That hottie Montrose?”

A cold wind swept over my heart. No. He couldn’t have. “Yeah?” I said, trying to sound uninterested.

“I guess he sold his next book. Big time deal. Like a three million dollar advance or something.”

Emotions rushed through me and I swallowed hard. He’d finished
Down in Flames
. He’d
sold
it. And for a huge advance, which would only be given if they’d loved the book and thought it would be a huge best seller.

Pride and elation ping-ponged in my heart. I’d known it the moment I’d started reading it. To know that the publishing world saw it too… My throat barely worked as I said, “Is that so? Good for him.”

Jane gave me a sidelong glance and a snort, both of which I ignored. Did she know? Why else would she even mention it?

 
“You know, I finally bought and read Montrose’s big, supposed masterpiece,” she said.

“You did?” I asked genuinely surprised. “What did you think?”

She shrugged. “Meh.”

“Meh?” I was shocked. I knew Jane and I had different tastes in…well, everything (except wanting to sleep with Billy, we’d once shared that), but how could
Folly
not have affected her? How could—

“I mean, I kept waiting for the gangsters to show up. There wasn’t even one gangster.”

Oh, my God. I stopped in my tracks. Jane had to be smarter than that. “Jane, the gangster is a metaphor. It’s supposed to symbolize Aidan’s—”

“Ha. Got ya,” Jane said, nudging me and continuing to walk on while I stared after her. “I got the metaphor, Syd, I’m not an idiot.” I started walking again, catching up to her. “And yeah, I can see what all the fuss is about. Is this new one as good?”

“I don’t know,” I honestly said. “I read about three quarters of it before I…we—” I realized what I had just admitted. I stopped again, and this time Jane stopped with me. She didn’t say a single word, gave no sign of knowing that I had read Billy Montrose’s newest book. But if she’d been fishing, I’d taken the bait.

There was such a look of understanding from Jane, and just a little sympathy too. I stopped trying to figure out how Jane Winters knew everything. Sighing, I said, “Yeah, I think it probably is as good. Maybe even better. But, I didn’t get to finish it.”

She only nodded. “Well, sounds like you’ll get to right around Christmastime. Hey, I already know what to get you.” A little chuckle, then she slung an arm around me, squeezed and we continued walking.

“Very funny,” I said, but I knew I’d be the first one at the bookstore the day
Down in Flames
dropped.

W
hen I got out of class I checked my phone like I always did and almost dropped it in shock as I saw a text from Billy.

Do you have some time this afternoon? I have one last piece of the project I need your help with.

Had he found another box? Had I messed something up? He’d texted a half hour ago, so I wasn’t sure if he’d see my response right away, but I told him I could work this evening if he’d just leave it on his desk.

Can’t with this one. I need to explain it in person. I’m in my office all afternoon. Can you make it?

God, just when it wasn’t completely devastating to think about him. To see him again. In his office where we’d spent so many hours. But, I had been paid to complete this project for him, and I was eternally grateful for that opportunity.
I’ll be there shortly. I’m nearby.

Because of the money I’d earned as a literary assistant, I would be able to spend the summer here, and even take a few classes, so I could stay in the dorms. Mrs. Otterbein had said she could use me and I’d probably get nearly forty hours a week at the admin building for the whole summer.

When we’d been in New York last weekend, I went to see my brothers in Queens and to let my mother know that I wouldn’t be home for the summer. It hadn’t gone well with her, but it did look like she had stepped up—or perhaps my grandmother had stepped in—and Duncan and Liam were being taken care of. It had been great to see my little redheaded leprechauns and I’d brought them both Bribury sweatshirts. They’d cried when I’d left and then I’d cried the whole way back to Manhattan, but I knew I wasn’t the only big sister out there who went off to college.

As I walked down the hallway in Snyder Hall, I was happy to realize that I hadn’t even once thought about going back to the dorm to change into my more…Bribury clothes.

But yes, I did run a hand through my hair and put on some lip gloss before I knocked on his office door. I waited to hear a “come in,” but instead the door almost instantly opened, as if Billy had been right there waiting for me.

It had been so hard to see him a few weeks ago when I’d come to tell him how I felt. This time…yeah, it was still excruciating, even if I had gotten myself kind of back on track emotionally since then.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey.” He stepped back and I entered the office and had an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. Boxes were everywhere.
 

“Did you find another set of notes?” I asked as I moved into the room and he shut the door behind me. I heard the quiet snick of the lock and wondered how many times that sound had made my skin start to heat and my pulse race.

“No. These aren’t notes. This is the stuff from my office. I’m packing it all up.”

Oh, right. He’d be leaving soon. Duh. I turned to face him and said, “About the job?” just as he said, “You look different.”

I raised my hand self-consciously to my hair, which I had stopped straightening recently. The loose waves had grown on me, plus it saved a ton of time in the mornings.

He took a step toward me. “I mean good. Different good. You look good.” He ran a hand across his chin, a gesture so familiar to me that a lump formed in my throat. “Jesus,” he whispered more to himself than to me. “And I call myself a writer.”

The book. Yeah, that was safe. “I heard about your book deal. Congratulations,” I said.

“Thank you. I wasn’t sure if you knew. I wanted to call you when it sold, but…” A pained look came across his face. He looked tired, but I supposed wrapping up his classes, getting ready to move, and selling a book would tend to take its toll on a man. Tired, yes, but he still looked amazing to me. His hair was a little longer and I remembered how I’d liked to sink my hands in it right at the base of his skull. Now, my hand would probably come to the bottom of his neck.

Not that I’d get the chance to find out.

He wore jeans and sneakers, with a black tee that only seemed to bring out the grey of his eyes. He watched me look at him and I knew the heat I was feeling being this close to him was creeping up my neck. “So, anyway, the job?”