In the Rearview (15 page)

Close my eyes

Shut the door

Darkness all around

I'm not that way

I make rational decisions

I don't have the words to say

Why it happened to me

I can't explain it well

I was upset

I was able to be coaxed

He encouraged me

Then he stole from me

Something that I can't get back

Fuzzy

Foggy

Not quite there

Don't remember

Quite what happened

Not sure

I truly want to

It seems far away

In the back

Of my mind

I can't seem to

Bring it up

Can't recall

The sequence

Of events

Blacked out

But still there

Conscious

But not aware

Of what would happen

If I didn't stop

It happened to me

I can't take it back

While I was in the fog

While I was fuzzy

It did happen

What you did

How could you

I never imagined

Simply impossible

It could never happen to me

But then it did

And I can't take it back

Can't stop him now

He's already done it

But as I try to move on

I feel stuck in place

What you did

Is so completely

Unforgivable

You took it away

A precious gift

Something for me to chose

Who to give it to

Yet I didn't get that chance

You stole my innocence

And pierced my soul

With rotten decay

You changed me

Forever different

Never to be quite the same

When you stole from me

You took more than

You knew you would

 

“Hey Jackson, it's Meagan, can you come over after I get off work?” Meagan's stomach churned. Honestly, she didn't want to think about it anymore. She didn't want to discuss it; she just wanted to forget.

If she could pay for a pill to delete the last forty-eight hours she would honestly consider it. But then again, selective amnesia would not help her to learn from what had happened, and she knew she needed to learn in order to prevent mistakes like this again.

Instead of running away, she decided to be strong. She was not going to pretend nothing had happened. Something had happened. Something horrible had happened, and though she could not remember everything, she knew it was something she must face and work through, or it would eat her alive.

She knew she was strong enough.

Meagan knew she couldn't be a shell of a person ever again. She could not go back to how life had once been. She didn't want dull, emotionless eyes and a body that just went through the motions without her mind engaged. She wanted to be a whole person. She wanted to be free from her mistakes, and the only way to do that was to conquer them by facing each head on.

“Yeah. Just text me when you get home, and I'll come over.” Jackson sounded pained. He sounded tired. He sounded defeated.

He sounded exactly like Meagan felt.

“Thanks.”

That was all she could say. She started to feel a catch in her throat that quickly formed to a lump. So she shut her phone and went back to work, nearly choking on the sob she'd stifled. Refusing to break down here, Meagan pushed on. She would cry, but on her terms. She would wait until she was ready.

Meagan could easily distract herself. She had done so for hours already. Focusing on the tasks at hand while working was necessary to prevent a complete breakdown. Everything had a time and a place, and now was not the time. She would deal with her pain, her regret, and her confusion, but she would not do it here, and she would not do it alone.

****

Meagan sat on the leather sofa in her parents' basement cross-legged with her arms tucked into her sleeves. She shivered despite the average temperature of the evening. Tucked into her body, this was how she shielded herself from what she knew was going to come. She wanted to protect herself as much as she could, because she knew she would hurt after remembering, and she knew she must remember.

Despite wanting to protect herself, Meagan knew the time had come. Curled up and waiting for Jackson to come over, Meagan let down her guard and did her best to reach back into the few memories left.

****

She saw herself around a bonfire. She saw only male faces looking back at her. Meagan was the only girl. Vulnerable. Exposed to danger. How little she had understood.

She had never expected what was to come, and it was still a shock to realize these memories were hers. This was not a movie she was watching. This was not a book she had read. This experience was hers alone, and she couldn't delete it from her past.

She continued to watch the scene play, and saw Jackson having a hard time relating to the other guys there. He was shy and somewhat alternative compared to the others surrounding the orange flicker. He had come for her, to keep her company, but he had not assimilated well into the group setting.

The night had been black. The darkness had encompassed all but the flame that illuminated the faces around her. She remembered the dark sky and its inky clouds.

She remembered the cold. It had been a frigid evening. The grass was wet. She wasn't dressed warm enough. She remembered sitting on his lap in front of the fire to stay as warm as possible.

Meagan nearly gagged at the sight of his face in her mind. He was disgusting, a wretched excuse for a human being, as far as she was concerned. She was nauseated to think about what he had taken from her, but she pushed on.

She thought past the drinking and his constant encouragement to consume more. Why had she not noticed he'd never taken more than one beer? Why had she not realized the trouble he'd been creating? Why hadn't she seen it coming?

She fought the fuzziness to remember more than her mind wanted her to.

She remembered getting sick. She had found a bathroom, who knew how, and puked her guts up. The toilet filled with her stomach contents several times, with a flush between each, before she went back outside.

She remembered him offering her more to drink after her getting sick. Even after seeing what had happened, he'd known, yet he continued to coax her into oblivion.

Scum.

She pushed past the resistance to recall her unease in his back seat. How had she gone from the bonfire to his car? She may never remember that. But she did remember pushing against him when i
t hurt. She remembered mumbling
stop
several times while in pain. Who knew how long it lasted. Though she did remember zero pleasure.

Then she remembered pounding on the car windows from the outside. Had anyone seen her body? Was she exposed for those outside to see? She should have felt embarrassed at the time, as she did now, but then all she had felt was the weight and confusion of the alcohol. She had felt as if she was deep underwater. She had felt heavy and slow.

Meagan did remember Jackson yelling. She remembered his frustration and his temper, but she couldn't string his words together. She had let him down. Above all, she had let herself down.

Finally, all she could recall after pain and yelling was cold night air and feeling sick. Her head had spun, and she'd been so dizzy, she hadn't been able to walk on her own. She'd stumbled and slurred. Somehow she had given herself away and she could not remember more than seconds here and there of the entire experience.

She knew now her blood stained his back seat as a permanent reminder of the time she could not recall, and that horrified her too. Every detail was as painful as the rest.

****

“I'm sorry.” Jackson focused on his hands, and not on Meagan. He seemed ashamed. He seemed sad.

But at least he was there.

“Please don't say that. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. I know that. I just need to talk about it. As much as I don't want to, I know I need to.” She sighed.

It was hard to admit to herself she could have prevented what had happened so easily. She just shouldn't have gone. She shouldn't have drunk. Meagan had known better, and she should have said no.

Honestly, she was already healing after struggling to remember as much as she could. She may not have stopped it, but she was not running away from what happened. No one could change the past, and she already accepted that, but she could decide how it affected her now.

“Are you serious?” His gaze moved to her face then, willing her to understand what he was saying, willing her to be kinder to herself. “Don't take on more than you need to. Nothing was your fault. Let's just talk and leave blame out of this, okay?”

“All right.” A lonely tear fell from her lashes and landed on her sock. Meagan began to twist the worn and now damp fabric between her fingers as she and Jackson rehashed the horrible night previous.

“He took advantage of you. I should have stopped it, but I didn't, and for that I am sorry. Please let me apologize for that.”

Jackson's halfhearted smile was sad and short, but Meagan knew he was trying to help her heal.

She nodded. She wasn't ready to speak again yet.

“You told me to leave you alone, and I listened. I shouldn't have listened. I shouldn't have walked away. I should have taken you home. I could feel something was going to go wrong. I could tell something was off, but I didn't listen to my instincts. I should have let you get mad at me then for acting, instead of now for my inexcusable inaction. But I didn't. I listened to your words and not my common sense. I was uncomfortable around those jerks, and I let my insecurities win over my better judgment.

"You told me you knew what you were doing, and I should have seen through the lies to how drunk you actually were. I should have taken control of the situation and prevented what h
appened. I
am
sorry for that. I am so
sorry for what happened to you, and I am sorry you have to hurt now.” His words came out in a rush. It seemed he had a lot to get off of his chest before he could feel better.

Jackson appeared so full of guilt, like he felt he had been the one to take advantage of a vulnerable situation.

Every uncomfortable action implied he needed to apologize, so Meagan let him. She realized Jackson needed healing as well.

“Okay. Fine, I can accept your apology. I know you are sorry about not preventing or stopping what happened. But I do not accept you're at fault. Know this: you are not a mind reader. You did not control him. You are not the one who took me into the back seat and stole something I can never get back. You took me home. You are helping me to remember. You are with me now. That is what matters.” She gave back the same cheerless smile she had received, sincere, but weak and more for the other's benefit.

They both felt to blame, and truly neither should have. There was only one person to blame, and he was not here. Meagan was not at fault. Jackson was not at fault. Neither had asked for what had happened. The only person who was at fault was the one who'd taken advantage. He and he alone should carry the burden for the rest of his life.

“Thank you.” Every muscle in Jackson's face, down through his shoulders, and even his clenched hands visibly relaxed. He seemed to breathe easier knowing Meagan had forgiven him.

Now she only needed to forgive herself before she could begin to move on.

Meagan hugged her arms around herself tighter. “So now what do I do?”

She knew without speaking it aloud she needed to allow herself time to heal. Time would be one of the only things that gave her distance and peace. That and forgiveness.

Everyone whispers

Everyone stares

They know my mistake

They know what happened

It spreads like wildfire

Gossip is fast

Though this is not a rumor

This one is true

Everyone passes it along

Not knowing how much that hurts

Everyone knows my terrible

Horrible

Rotten mistake

At least now

Someone can learn from it

Not make my same error

They will use better judgment

Next time

I will too