Authors: Jennifer Loiske
I lay on my bed for a long time, unmoving. I listened to the silence surrounding me. I touched my surroundings carefully but I didn't find the slightest hint of other minds or danger. I curled into a fetal position and let the silent tears flow. Thank God Clarissa and Marie were staying with David’s parents. I knew they were safe, as Flow and Bruun would have warned me of any danger immediately. I had given both dogs a serious lecture on the meaning of pack and, as I couldn’t follow their thoughts uninterrupted, told them they should concentrate on me and send me their thoughts if anything important happened. Their hybrid minds did not function quite the same way as wolves, and thus I was not always able to follow their thoughts. For most of the time, their thoughts were filled with food and chasing and lying in the sunshine, and I was tired of sharing my thoughts between my own everyday life and chasing squirrels. However, Flow and Bruun were my children's best safeguard at this time and I had ordered them to follow Marie and Clarissa wherever they might decide to go. David's parents loved our dogs and needed no explanation for the dogs being brought along -rather, they thought it obvious that the dogs would stay overnight with the girls. At times I was uncertain of their ability to protect the girls sufficiently, but as I had no other protection to offer, I had to believe they would do their job and keep my children safe.
I cried until my body felt empty of tears and sorrow. I cried because of the danger I had placed my family in. I cried for my own stupidity. I cried for David and for Gunward, because although I didn´t want him in my life, I had missed him. I cried because I was no longer allowed to be an innocent cub and play with my brothers and I cried because the world seemed to be crushing down on me and I didn’t know where to find the strength to fight it. I knew how easy it would be to go and leave everything behind. To take a new form and disappear from the lives of David and my children. They would eventually forget me and remain safe.
The temptation was so strong. I felt my skin prickle and my cells prepare for the change. My nails grew and bent. My hands were no longer completely human. My eyes changed, and at that moment I sensed Gunward’s rage. I let go of the change and let myself slowly return to my human form. My consciousness was filled with Gunward’s sadness and anger. He knew that I would have left him and disappeared for centuries. In a momentary flash, I saw him and his pack looking for me. He was demolishing my home and torturing my family, killing all my friends and family members without hesitation. Nothing would replace losing me again. I knew I could never leave like this. Even if my family might be able to cope with me leaving, Gunward would never be able to handle it and I couldn't leave my family unprotected. My love for them was unlimited and I had to admit, I loved Gunward too, - too much to make him suffer to that extent for my sake anymore.
I sat up carefully, swung my feet to the edge of the bed, and got up. The room spun around me for a while and I saw little specks of light floating around me. I leaned against the wall and shook my head to clarify my thoughts and regain the balance between my body and my mind. I pulled on David’s T-shirt and moved slowly downstairs and towards the wine cellar. It was completely silent. The wine cellar was on the ground floor, half underground, but I was reasonably sure that a loud enough shout from there would be heard on the top floor where our bedrooms were located.
Our house was built like stairs on a slope so that a magnificent view of the archipelago could be seen on each floor. On the top floor were three bedrooms, each with a door to a large common terrace. Between the bedrooms there was a lounge space dominated by a large, whitewashed fireplace in the middle. Around the fireplace were voluminous armchairs which were often appropriated by Clarissa and her friends. Straight, open stairs led down to the middle floor, which was actually a single open space. It was divided by a high fireplace, open on both sides, where a merry fire almost always burned. On one side of the fireplace was our kitchen with its island and on the other side was our living room, dominated by an invitingly soft couch of gigantic proportions and a beautiful, shiny white grand piano. From the living room a door led to a terrace of about a hundred square meters. In the summer it served as another living room and a place for sunbathing with a breathtaking view. On the ground floor there were a few comfortable guest rooms as well as the wine cellar, utility room, and showers.
All in all, our house was designed to be an integral structure and I couldn't imagine anyone being able to move there so quietly that no noise would be heard from floor to floor. I wondered why Gunward hadn't locked David in one of our outdoor buildings. We had two guest huts of fifty square meters, a sauna with a lounge, a boat shed as well as a storage room in connection with a heated garage for two cars. I didn't think Gunward had managed to get David to the wine cellar without a fight and it would have been considerably easier to drag David outside, thus having to haul him down only one set of stairs and then out the back door to the nearest of the buildings. Instead, Gunward had chosen to imprison David in a small cellar of a few square meters and I was curious as to why I didn’t hear any noise from there. I was absolutely certain that David would be banging on the cellar door and screaming until he was exhausted. I could also believe he could have found a way to escape from the cellar, but it was eerily silent. I glanced at the kitchen clock and noticed it was over four hours since I had crawled into bed after showering. It was nearly half past three and morning would be here soon. I tiptoed the last few steps and stood outside the cellar door. Funny, I thought, that we called it a wine cellar, as it did not hold a single bottle of wine, or anything else to drink for that matter. The builders of the house had named it wine cellar, but for us it was just a cold room off the entrance hall.
I lifted my hand to the lock and hesitated. I was too afraid of what I would find. I could picture David beaten to a pulp, an angry David, a sleeping David, a crying David and even a dead David, but I wasn't sure if I was brave enough to find out what was hidden in the cellar. I swallowed and, against my own volition, opened the door. David was sitting slumped against the back wall. He looked up and I could see he had been crying. I offered him my hand but he flinched away, as if I had hit him. Slowly he stood up and stared sadly into my eyes. My husband. His deep blue eyes looked at me accusingly and he whispered something disbelievingly. I didn't understand what he was saying, but his entire being was accusing me, denying my touch and closeness. He was staring at me without a blink and I let out a nervous laugh. I didn't know what I should have done. I wanted to scream that I was innocent. That I had done nothing. That nothing had changed. But I knew that everything had changed. On the outside David looked all right, but I was absolutely sure that Gunward had not let him off easy. Gunward wanted me back and was prepared to use any shameless trick to remove all the obstacles between us. I knew he wouldn’t dare touch my children, but David was an easy target in his view. Even though David was nearly Gunward´s size, a large man, he would have no real chance of defending himself against Gunward. A human could never prevail in a fight against a shape shifter; the very thought was impossible. I took a step towards David, but he promptly sidestepped me. I sighed in defeat and turned my back to him. I did not know what he wanted from me, but I started up the stairs towards the living room and hoped he would follow me.
David did not move. In the end I had to stop and look back at my husband, worried. David didn't even smile. He was like stone, still and cold.
“David?” I asked carefully.
“Honey?” Still nothing.
I took his hand gently and prepared for him to shake it off, but he let my hand stay in his. I twined my fingers with his and pulled him gently towards the stairs. Out of the cellar and up the stairs to the living room or even to the kitchen. He was silent and cold, but didn't refuse to follow me. We sat down at the kitchen table. He as far from me as possible, and I as close to him as he let me. Silence enveloped us. I knew he was waiting for me to speak, but I didn’t know where to start. What had Gunward told him? Why did he not run into my arms but pushed me away? Should I tell him the truth? And if I did tell him, would he think me crazy? That was more than likely, so I decided to keep quiet. I knew I could stay still for hours but I wanted him back. I wanted to resolve this ridiculous situation and I lifted my eyes to meet David’s.
“Do you know those moments when you imagine seeing something so unbelievable and strange, something that can’t be real if you think about it rationally? And when you try to rationalize it, you can’t find any explanation for it, leading you to conclude you must have imagined it all,” I began quietly
David just kept looking at me in silence. Unmoving. I waited for him to say something, but as the silence continued I went on hesitantly.
“Think that something really impossible can happen and the impossible has happened to me.”
David stood up quietly. How dangerously tall he looked, standing there in front of me with accusation in his eyes and his whole being radiating anger. I shut up.
“Do you know that man?”
“Yes,” I whispered, “But...”
“Who is he, and why is he going around our house like he´s been here often? Sofia! I have put up with many of your tricks all through the years, but this is the limit! Are you in love with him?”
“Yes. No! It´s not what you think! I have never been unfaithful to you. You have to believe me!” I shouted in desperation.
“He said something else and, you know, he was much more convincing than you, my dear,” David’s voice oozed contempt.
I knew that to him, unfaithfulness would be the ultimate crime. In many ways he was right, but from my point of view I had not been unfaithful to him. As I saw it, I couldn't be blamed for something that had happened two hundred years ago and, in any case, David could not judge me according to my past. Or could he?
“I left him a long time ago,” I said quietly. David sank back into the chair and covered his face in his hands.
“What have you gotten yourself into?”
I started to explain but David silenced me with a move of his hand. Silence evolved around us again. I had no idea how to wriggle out of this, so I contented myself with peering at my toes and thinking of different explanations for David in case he gave me a chance to explain. The minutes passed by and the silence was nearly palpable. I was afraid to look at David or to get up. I looked at him and he was staring at my face like a maniac. Like he was looking for answers to his questions in my face. The truth. Suddenly he spoke, quietly but with such authority that not answering him would have complicated matters even further, and I found myself telling him everything.
I told him about my family and how I found out I could change my shape. I told about my trek to Swedish Lapland and my longing for Norway, for the island of Senja. About my brothers and Gunward. I told him how I had ended up here, fallen in love with him and decided to stay with him. I told him about my love for him and how good it felt to be close to him. I told him absolutely everything. David looked at me for a long time and suddenly he laughed out loud. His laughter was deep and bubbly, and I looked helplessly back at him. I didn't know if this was a good or a bad thing. After a long time he dried the tears off the corners of his eyes and became serious.
“My love, I´ve always known you to be really good at getting out of the strangest of situations, but this is such an unbelievable tale that you have outdone yourself. Should I really believe you are able to change your form to any living creature, that you are immortal and, above all, that you’re married to some two-hundred-year-old killer wolf? You can’t be serious!”
David seemed unable to stop laughing. His laughter sounded nearly hysterical by now and I felt desperation permeate my every cell. I knew that my explanation sounded made up, but there had to be some way of convincing him.
“When you put it like that, it does sound quite unbelievable, but please keep your mind open and believe that you´re the one I love. You´re the one I chose. I have been faithful to you from the moment we met. I can’t prove it, but you must believe me,” I said and smiled uncertainly.
I reached out to touch David’s hand and when he took my fingers between his palms I forced my hand to shift. I felt my bones move and transform. My hand was changing slowly, but I wasn't sure how far I could take the change without scaring David. I settled for shifting only so far that my hand would differ clearly from a human hand. When the change began, my eyes turned more yellow, sharper and gleaming of fear, waiting for some reaction from David. I stared at my husband with my wolf eyes. David was staring at my hand with such horror that I quickly transformed it back to my human hand. Then he pushed my hand away from his and rubbed his head in desperation. Had I gone too far? At least he was not laughing anymore, though maybe it would've been better if he had been. He raised his eyes to mine just in time to see the change fading from them. I held my breath. I had either won or lost, but David’s expression didn’t reveal what my fate would be.
“All right. This will require food and good white wine, and then you can tell me everything again and in more detail,” he sighed.
The game was not over yet. At least he would listen to me.
I started over from the beginning. I told him how people have been able to change themselves to an animal form for centuries. For example, the Shamans in Lapland have always been able to change themselves into eagles or wolves. Some people who had been under an evil spell justified their wrongdoings by changing into werewolves and blaming wolves for their crime – wouldn’t it naturally follow that animals were also able to change their shapes? I told him how closely tied to Gunward I was and that in the eyes of our pack and the whole wolf community, I was married to Gunward forever. I told him how every cell of my being recognized Gunward and how Gunward was tied with me for all our immortal lives. I told him what had happened to us and how easily I would also be capable of evil. Being aware of that, I had had to transform and leave my pack. I told him how he, David, was the strength that kept me from slipping towards the dark side. David anchored me to this life. The moment I met him I had understood that my fate as a human was bound to that of this wonderful man and that I wanted to stay with him for as long as his human life would last. I had always taken the love between Gunward and me for granted and hadn't expected that a different kind of love could exist. And then he came, and swept me off my feet. David had taught me what it was like to be deeply loved; to be the recipient of an unbelievably selfless love. I would never allow anyone to come between us. Not even Gunward would ruin our love. I simply would not have it. It was much too precious to destroy.