I'm Judging You (24 page)

We have more ways to get our news than ever, which is supposed to be a good thing, because more competition is supposed to challenge you to do better. However, in this social-media age, what it has done has allowed the information business to be a free-rein free-for-all. Old rules of journalistic integrity have been thrown out the window. Everyone has been given the conch, and no one knows what to do with it. Instead of using the new-media landscape to spur us to higher quality, we have instead become sloppier than ever: Tweet first, research later. Post first, rescind later. Guess first, confirm later.

This is why media literacy is important. We need to know when we are being fed bullshit (which is always) by the press, and we need to know where to turn to when that happens (citizens on the ground telling the stories), and then we need to confirm those sources. We must remain critical and questioning because we are being pissed on and believing it's raining. But we can all monitor the trash we're letting in and out and keep ourselves vigilant. Read beyond headlines, call Dr. Google, and don't be a part of the problem. And if the website you got the information from uses Comic Sans as its font, you should not only disbelieve it but vow to never go there again, because they know nothing.

 

18. How to Succeed at Business Failure

We are social media–driven not just personally but also in the way our business lives are dependent on it. This is why so many people are failing in their professional lives: they bring bad habits, bad taste, and bad behavior in the way they conduct their business online. I cannot help but judge us for it. We do so many things that deserve epic side-eye, and we wonder why we cannot prosper. What are those things? Let's talk about four of them.

1. You are using Comic Sans font

Just like clothes, fonts speak for you. Some are serious, some are more casual, some are classic. And others are clown suits. The leader of that pack is Comic Sans. Comic Sans is a font that is a joke all the way through. In fact, the person who created it never meant for it to be used for anything besides the software he was testing it for. Somehow, the font ended up in Microsoft Word, and on that day, the world was cursed with a typeface that is not only tacky but persistent. It is the Visa of fonts, except it's everywhere I never want to be. At best, it is appropriate for, well, comics. (Refer yourself to the name.) It is for things we're supposed to laugh at on a very basic level. It can also signal things that are supposed to be for children, like their party invitations. THAT IS IT, PEOPLE. That is all.

Somehow, people think the font is cute and friendly, but what it really is is childish and not appropriate for adult business. Government agencies use Comic Sans sometimes. Sure, our various bureaucracies are an everlasting joke, but they don't have to laugh at us with their font, too. That's just rude. I fear that there is a tombstone somewhere with Comic Sans engraving. How is the person supposed to rest peacefully forever like that? I've seen churches, hospitals, and police departments use this font, and I want to write them sternly worded letters of disappointment. Putting serious messages in Comic Sans is like dropping bad news and then saying “LOL” afterwards. It does not compute, nor does it make sense.

Comic Sans should not be used for anything business-related or anything you want people to take seriously. EVER. NEVER EVER.

As a professional, you should know that I cannot think you're all that gathered if you're using a typeface meant for children. If I see that font in an e-mail, I might think you're joking and refuse to respond. The use of Comic Sans is usually accompanied by text of varying colors, because one bad decision begets another.

I found some old posts I wrote in 2003 and they were in Comic Sans font. That should tell you how terrible they were. Who do we need to petition to make them remove Comic Sans from every piece of software? Can we go to Congress and ask for a policy change? Is there a campaign we can run to ensure the extinction of this awful piece of type? Something must be done. Basically, if Comic Sans was a person, it'd be the dude who wears baseball caps backwards, raises the roof at the party unironically, tells terrible jokes only he laughs at, and describes himself as “really chill” because he tries very hard to be cool—but really he's forty, lives at home with his mom, and doesn't have any plans to do better. He's a great babysitter, and kids love him, but is that the dude you want to represent your business at an important conference? No, because he is immature—nice, but not appropriate. Stop using Comic Sans for business, everyone. Please. For the love of all that is good and professional. Stop. Today. Immediately. Thank you.

2. You still use an AOL or Hotmail account for work purposes

Everyone remembers their first e-mail address. Mine was something wack like [email protected] I was fourteen; don't judge me too hard. Either way, in the nineties, AOL and Hotmail were the places to be in these new Internet streets. All we were doing was chatting anyway. Then the Internet grew up, and we did too, and we went off to college. Some of us started working. And then Gmail happened, because Google launched their plan to control us all. They did it so right, and we were all able to get rid of our [email protected] e-mail accounts. Now we could get [email protected]l.com. Some of us kept those old accounts to use as our junk e-mail receptacles. When you sign up for sweepstakes or fantasy football leagues, odds are you do so using those AOL, Yahoo, and Hotmail accounts. That is perfectly fine.

If you are still using AOL or Hotmail as your main e-mail or business e-mail account, though, I am not sure I can do business with you, because you seem like a member of Team Bad Decisions. How can I trust your business acumen when you haven't even upgraded your e-mail life since 2001? How can I know that you'll be on top of things when your online moniker is the equivalent of wearing platforms with goldfish in the soles? You are living in the digital seventies, and we must bring you up to date. Odds are you also use Internet Explorer 6, and your website was built on Geocities, and you think glitter wallpaper is still all the rage.

I got a business e-mail from someone with an AOL account and it automatically went to spam. I only found it in my spam folder after the person followed up by text when I didn't respond. It was like my inbox was so offended it didn't even want me to see the message. If this were basketball, my e-mail client blocked their shot across the court and then wagged its finger in their face, like, “Nope.” Word to Dikembe Mutombo. All I could do was look at this person sideways because I thought they were better than that. To this day I'm not sure I ever did reply to their e-mail. I'm scared that whatever their inbox had is contagious.

Get an e-mail address with an ending that is either
gmail.com
or your own domain name. Or even get one of those @me.com e-mail addresses. There are so many more professional options that there is no excuse for not letting these old addresses die hard.

3. You annoy everyone with your marketing

Everyone is more accessible than ever now that we're spending multiple hours online every day. This is great for businesses because we can reach people 24/7. However, marketing is not about harassing everyone to be your customer, client, or reader. Good marketing is when you know who would be interested in your product and you find ways to get them to pay attention. It does not mean beating everyone on your friends list over the head with your event, sale, or article. It just does not.

Think of the Internet and your friends, followers, and fans as one big conference room. When you do that, you will understand what behaviors are appropriate and what stuff will make people report you as spam. You should conduct yourself as you would if you walked into a professional event where there are some people you're familiar with in varying degrees and some you do not know at all.

Your friends list is full of people who want to support you, but do not take advantage of them by attaching yourself to their eAnkles and trying to use them as your sole customer base. If you are a club promoter and you're hosting an event, please know which of your friends actually live in your city. Do not send folks in New York an invitation to an event happening in Memphis. It's lazy to “Select All” instead of taking the time to go through your friends list and geotarget your message. Also, I know we've known each other since college, but I'm not coming to any party described as “grown and sexy.” Any event where that phrase, “grown and sexy,” is on the flyer is guaranteed to be full of immature behavior from people with obligations they refuse to acknowledge. You know good and damb well that when you go to “grown and sexy” night at the club, someone's shoes are gonna get stepped on and it'll turn into an all-out brawl. No, thanks! I'll be at home on my couch binge-watching my favorite nineties shows and eating all the snacks.

Furthermore, do not drop your flyers on people's Facebook walls, either. That's like placing one of your stickers on my car. This is my eProperty, and you will not use it to promote your shenanigans. That's intrusive. Learn some etiquette about you. All this will do is get your post deleted, and you might end up on my persona non grata list. Similarly, do not tag people to your event flyer so it shows up in their photos. And if you have anything in Comic Sans on that flyer, your event has already failed before it's begun. I am not coming, and I will be judging people who do.

I love my fellow writers, and I get that we need people to read our words, but one thing I hate is people posting a piece and tagging fifty-five of their friends to it. This is like going up to fifty-five people, tapping their shoulders, and saying “HEY, READ WHAT I WROTE.” That's not cute. First of all, again, our friends
can
support our work, but they are not obligated to. When we do the tagging thing, we're basically pulling them into a crowded room and interrogating them about whether or not they've seen what we did. Don't put folks in that position. If you're in their social-media family, trust that they will see it. And in case you REALLY want that person to read what you wrote, send them a message and say “Hey, it'd mean a lot if you read this.” But do not tag fifty-eleven people to your writing. It's pushy and unprofessional.

There are few things that make me blow smoke out my ears more than the folks who take to Twitter to publicize their work in all types of wrong ways. There are the people who are notorious for tweeting random people with “Follow me back.” Never in the history of ever have I been compelled to follow someone who thinks the way they should get more people in their eLives is by demanding it. These are the people who walked into the conference room with their business card in the air, saying “HEY, CALL ME.” First of all, are you talking to me? Second, don't yell at me. Third and most important, who the hell are you? You didn't even introduce yourself or nothing. You just rolled up and told a stranger to follow you.

And for the people with mixtapes who send me links on Twitter: I do not work in A&R. I don't work for anybody's record label, and I really don't care about your music. Can you not? How about you don't. My iTunes is still mostly nineties R&B, so unless you're sending me a link to Brandy's discography, I do not want. Don't spam me, bro. I don't know why this is such a thing. Is someone advising people that tweeting a hundred random strangers links to their music is effective promotion? It's like handing a stranger on the street your CD (if you're reading this in the future, they were optical discs with music on them). Why should they have any dambs to give about what you just gave them? Every time a rapper tweets me his mixtape link, an angel loses her ability to do the Running Man correctly. Save the angels. Follow me on Twitter, though! @Luvvie.

4. You call yourself a visionary or something equally pompous

We should all think very highly of ourselves. Confidence will take you far, because thinking you're an awesome person allows you to dream bigger, want more, and expect great things from yourself. However, there is a thin line between healthy self-worth and arrogance (aka Kanye West Syndrome). On our social-media accounts, we have to define our entire selves in these small pockets of digital space. How do you tell people who you are and what you do in these short bios? Well, one way is to use terms that are loaded with symbolism so people can picture what we do.

But you can take it too far by using grandiose adjectives and referring to yourself as all types of monumental nouns. Some of us append these major titles to ourselves, and I scratch my head wondering if they are just using an invisible sarcasm font because surely they cannot be serious. So you're the chief executive president CEO director visionary trailblazer of your company, huh? Yes, here I am, still not knowing what the hell you DO, Tommy. If you're calling yourself a trailblazer, I hope your job is to literally set grass and wildlife on fire to make running paths. Do you work for Runyon Canyon Park? If not, that's pretty presumptuous of you.

Why are you calling yourself a “visionary” on LinkedIn?! What does it
mean
? You say it means you come up with great ideas—well, can you execute them? Because if all you have is a notebook in your house full of genius things you've never done, you should delete your profile entirely. Ascribing that word to yourself really raises the bar too high, and you're coming out of the gate overpromising. People will expect the world and then some from you. Isn't that a lot of pressure to put on yourself? Also, the word is pretty meaningless to use on a résumé or a site that is supposed to be your portfolio. “Lemme search for ‘visionary' on LinkedIn,” said nobody ever.

If actions speak louder than words, some of us are trying to shout into a megaphone instead of doing the work that will make others shout on our behalf. I read some folks' self-written bios and I wonder if they also invented the Internet and solved world hunger. If you're constantly reminding people of how much of a “boss” or “guru” or “expert” you are, you're probably overcompensating. Those descriptions are supposed to be used
about
you; they are words for other people to bestow on you.