If it is your life (21 page)

Dreams by fuck! That was scraping the barrel. All ye could do was sigh. Naw but it was really weird, said Arthur, I was up a high road and I bumped into somebody close to me, I cannay mind who. It might have been one of yous cunts.

Gie us a break, I said.

Naw Pat seriously. Whoever it was, we’re standing there and he’s talking but it is the way he’s talking, like
he’s excited, know what I mean? and nervy, dead nervy. I couldnay quite get what he was saying.

Hang on a minute, what are ye talking about?

A dream I had. This guy, the way he was talking, it wasnay making any sense. No to my head anyway. It was like my ears heard what he said but no my head. It didnay make sense, it wasnay getting through.

Ye talking about yer brains? I said.

Arthur looked at me but he knew I was serious. I dont know, he said, it was like my head but no my brains, once it hit my head it still had a way to go, if it was gony reach my brains.

Me and Tim looked at each other.

Arthur muttered, Nay comments ya pair of bastards. Another thing about him, the guy I was talking to, he was not a likeable person.

So who was it? said Tim.

It’s difficult to say. It was all hazy.

Right.

Another thing was how he was trying no to laugh. I got that feeling about him, he was a nasty fucker.

Well that could be anybody, I said.

Arthur smiled.

I spat into the fire. There was something about him smiling that I did not appreciate. If there was a nasty fucker in the company it wasnay me or Tim. And Nicky Parkes had vanished.

Dreams are funny, said Arthur.

Oh are they? I said.

They can be.

I nodded, gieing Tim a look but Tim was all ears for the story. He was one of these guys ye could sell him anything. A good yarn and that was him. Where do I sign, show me the dotted line.

And Arthur could spin them, nay doubt about that. On he went: There was a wee lane going down the side, he said, like the one round the back of the shops along there, and the guy I’ve met is pointing to one of the back closes running along.

Round the back of the shops? said Tim.

Precisely. That’s where I’m talking about. The back closes came out onto the lane so the front must have been round on the main drag. I am only surmising that cause ye know what like it is when it’s a dream man ye dont fucking know I mean no for sure.

Hazy, I muttered.

Aye.

Ho man! Tim rubbed his hands, waggling his shoulders, enjoying the tale.

So anyway, says Arthur, along comes this other guy.

Other guy? I said.

Aye, and I know him, I know him well. So does the nasty fucker; in fact the two of them are mates, only I dont quite know who the first yin is.

What d’ye mean?

They get mixed up. I cannay mind who’s first and who’s second. That’s the funny thing about it, I cannay remember.

Sounds like a load of fucking keech.

Arthur shrugged.

How many guys again?

Just like I says.

What, three?

Aye.

Could it no have been four? I said.

Arthur frowned. It was three, there was two then the third man came along.

The Third Man! said Tim.

No the fourth? I said.

Naw, said Arthur. That’s the thing about dreams, everything gets slippery. One minute ye know the next ye dont. Weird.

Arthur smiled again and reached down to lift a stick from the ground. He used it as a poker, poking it into the fire. He dragged out half of something and kicked it ower onto its side, using the stick to shove it back in. I wished he would stop messing about. He didnay know about fires. Sometimes I get a daft feeling, like as if they know who it is made them; they will do what you want but if another cunt starts messing then who knows. Fires can be scary. I was about to speak when lo and behold Tim passed me a beer, a beer. A fucking magician! Where the hell did ye get that! I said.

Heh heh heh.

Ya cackling cunt ye!

You’re getting auld.

I looked at him and the can: How did ye open it without me noticing?

Tim winked.

Seriously? I said.

I am fucking seriously.

Did ye drink out it as well? Ye couldnay have, I would have noticed.

Tim laughed; Arthur with him.

Pair of bastards, I said, raising the can to my lips.

Sip it now Pat. I’ve only the one.

Sláinte. I swallied a long mouthful.

Gracias very much, muttered Tim.

I passed the can to Arthur. He was about to take a sip when the three of us spotted somebody in the distance: Peter Craig, he was cutting through the gap site at the other end of the waste ground. He waved ower to us. Arthur shifted the way he was standing to hide the can of beer. Know what I mean, he said, that could have been the polis; open-air drinking, a major act of criminal magnitude.

I was still looking ower to Peter Craig. He must have smelled the beer, I said, imagine smelling the beer.

Tim retrieved the can from Arthur and swigged a mouthful. He swigged another then passed the can to me. I took a long one and passed it to Arthur.

Finish it, said Tim.

Arthur did, then crushed it to death with his fist. He got the stick and scraped a space for it near the middle of the fire, chipped it in and poked stuff ower the top of it.

Ye wouldnay mind if it was a bottle of malt, I said, but one can of beer. A hunner fucking yards!

Tom sighed and gied a mournful look. I hope he doesnay tell Nicky Parkes.

Say ye found it, I said, it can happen.

Arthur winked: We’ll just deny it.

Right …

Aw man, I said, I feel pished. It’s all this excitement.

Tim was puffing smoke. I mean it’s no as if it was intentional. I just forgot. If Nicky Parkes says something, know what I mean, I wasnay keeping him out, I hope he wouldnay think that.

Not at all, I said, one can of beer and four mooths; one swally and ta ta.

Exactly, said Arthur. I wouldnay worry about it. Hey, I’ll finish the dream.

Dont bother.

Naw but it’s funny.

I’m no into dreams, I said.

Neither am I, but this one is different. Arthur winked at the two of us. It’s got sex in it.

Aw for fuck sake.

Sex! said Tim, a big smile on his face.

This gets worse and worse, I said, and I spat into the fire again.

Aye but it’s weird sex, said Arthur.

What a surprise.

Weird sex … Tim laughed for a moment but then he looked at me.

I said, What ye looking at me for?

I’m no.

Aye ye are.

Naw I’m no.

But he was. Then Arthur winked and it was me he was winking at. How come I don’t know. Just be careful, I said.

What about?

Just be careful.

Ye’re staring at me Pat, what ye staring at me for?

Staring at ye?

Aye.

I shrugged. Just dangerous territory man know what I mean, sex.

You’re para.

I’m just saying …

Arthur shook his head and looked away.

Tell us anyway, said Tim.

Arthur waited a moment. I gied him the nod and off he went. But something puzzled me about it. My hearing was no as good as it used to be but that didnay mean I heard things that werenay said. That isnay what folk mean when they say they have hearing problems. I might have been deaf but I definitely was not eh

Paranoiac is the wrong word. I couldnay think of the right one. That was Arthur and his fucking yapping, yap yap yap. Tim was puffing on his roll-up, gieing that contented look he aye gave when somebody was telling a story. He must have been some wean. Ye could have sent him to sleep with a paragraph. Once upon a time the three bears – and then he would have been snoring.

Uch well. I prepared to listen. Come what may Arthur was going to tell us the story. There were times I thought conspiracies were on the go and they werent, it was only me. Two slugs of beer and I was drunk as a fucking skunk. The wife said that about me, alcohol made
me paranoiac. I aye thought things were happening and they werenay.

Dreams bored the arse off me. I never told mine to cunts so how come I had to listen to theirs?

Mine were boring as fuck. That was when I got any. I couldnay remember the last time. They were so boring they never registered. I got dreams where nothing happened. Nothing at all. The dream opens and there I am strolling down the street. Oh I think I see a bus! And then the dream stops. Big deal, seeing a bus. Thank you God.

Imagine telling somebody that.

It wouldnay matter if Arthur’s dreams were boring or no he would still want to tell ye them. The cunt aye had to be talking, just like the fire, he aye had to be poking the thing, messing it about. Yap yap yap, on he fucking went. Then in the distance: Nicky Parkes! He was carrying a polybag. Trouble, I said.

The other two saw him. Arthur quickened with the story, all about this nervy guy he met down the lane, turns out he had just had his hole. That was in the dream. Was it the punchline? I dont know, I wasnay listening. But Arthur was looking at me like he expected a round of applause. Is that all you can think about, getting yer hole? I mean what age are you!

What has age got to do with it?

Aye ye’re well named, fucking J Arthur.

Cheeky bastard. What’s up with you?

There’s nothing up with me, I said.

The two of them were looking at me.

Nothing up with me, I said.

Grumpy bastard, muttered Arthur.

Tim was frowning at me. The man’s got a point.

I dont fucking give a fuck about his point. I’m chittering standing here, it’s fucking freezing fucking cold. I spat into the fire, slapped my hands the gether, turned to see Nicky Parkes arrive. When he did he opened the polybag and brought out a six-pack.

Pure astonishment.

He broke the cardboard, tossed us each a can. Arthur dropped his in the excitement, then moved to clap Nicky Parkes on the shoulder.

Tim was laughing, snapping open the can. Ya fucking dancer! he shouted.

Well done Nicky Parkes, I said.

I tapped a five, he said.

Who off?

Nicky Parkes patted the side of his nose.

Fair enough.

Tim had the tobacco out and was rolling the two of them a smoke.

Maybe I should have got a bottle of wine, said Nicky, that is what I was wondering.

Aw naw, the beer’s great.

Aye but Pat I might have got fucking two: buy one get one free.

Oh.

A can of beer is a pleasure, said Arthur.

A pleasurable experience, I added.

That’s right, said Arthur, and it provides a basis.

I looked at the fire and at Arthur and Tim. Somebody needs to get burnables.

They looked at me.

I got the last lot.

Did ye? said Arthur.

I dont remember that, said Tim, then he smiled. Heh Pat mind that idea you had about saving the empties and bashing them down, taking them to a scrappie?

Aye.

It was a fucking mad idea! Tim guffawed.

I nodded. I stared at the fire a few moments. It did need replenishing. There was a kids’ cot someplace, some fucking thing, I couldnay remember. Tim was saying to Arthur about the story, finish the story. I thought he had finished it. It was a dream, I said, it wasnay a story.

Tell us it anyway, said Tim.

Aye, I said, we’re all ears.

Arthur squinted at me.

Tell us, said Tim.

Ach naw, a stupid dream.

Stupidity hasnay stopped ye before, I said.

Thanks Pat.

Nicky Parkes glanced at me then at Arthur.

I was gony go for the burnables then I thought Naw, I want to hear the cunt. Get it ower and done with, I said.

Arthur sniffed and continued, repeating some of the earlier stuff for the benefit of Nicky Parkes. I only half listened. I hadnay heard much the first time and what I
was hearing now didnt greatly interest me. I find that stuff childish, like dirty jokes and that kind of shite, boring crap.

The beer was tasty, given the label was foreign and I could not remember having seen it before. Some of it trickled down my chin. I wiped it with the cuff of my coat sleeve.

Parties were watching me. I’ll wring it out later, I said, once yous mob have fucked off.

Charming, said Tim.

You dont have to listen, said Arthur.

I sighed. Know something Arthur you are a shifty cunt.

No as shifty as you man you’re a byword in this parish.

Parish, oho, the Pape patter. This is mixed company you behave yerself.

Finish the story, said Tim.

Arthur shrugged. I’m no inventing fuck all

It’s a dream, said Tim.

Exactly. I knew the two guys, Arthur said, but it wasnay like we were pals. It’s more like we used to be pals. Years ago. We had went our separate ways and just bumped into each other.

So what ye saying?

Well it’s obvious. The two of them were shagging the same bird.

What do ye mean ‘obvious’?

The way things happen in a dream, said Arthur. Ye just know. He was a nasty fucker. He was pointing back down the lane. I looked to see what he was pointing at.
Sure enough it was the other guy, his mate, the first yin’s mate. I watches the two of them laughing and joking the gether.

Aw jees, I said, I’m lost.

That is how I felt, said Arthur, fucking sidelined man. I thought These three bastards are keeping me out of it.

Ye mean you wanted yer hole as well?

Tim laughed.

Naw Pat I dont mean that.

Well what then?

It was like They know something I dont.

Tim stopped laughing and said, Who was the woman?

Arthur nodded. I was wondering when somebody would ask that.

Nicky Parkes sniffed, cleared his throat and cleared his tubes, dumped the lot on the fire.

I hope it’s no about us, I said. I hate stories about where that happens, where a guy winds up his wife’s having it away with some cunt. It’s as auld as the hills and it will never stop but that doesnay mean ye’ve got to like hearing about it. Personally speaking I dont like hearing about it, no if it is mates involved.