I'd Rather Not Be Dead (29 page)

Jerky, Ricky nods. “Yeah.
Cancer. They cut it out twice, but...”

“I'm sorry,” TOM says, sounding
like she is. I'm a little proud of me for finding the sympathy.

Ricky shrugs. “Yeah, well... It
was God's will...”

“Drew?” Finn calls, grabbing my
attention and directing it to where he and Fray are frowning at a
very pale rendition of Tanya. She's slumped in a chair on the edge
of the room, her head against the wall. Her eyes are open but
there's drool in the corner of her mouth.

TOM takes the coffee from Ricky,
mutters a thanks near his general vicinity, and starts toward the
elevator bank while I frown at Tanya. It's Sunday morning. What are
she and Ricky doing here? Even if the church canceled normal
services today for the revival, shouldn't these two be at that?

“Drew?” Tanya calls to her as
she passes by.

TOM stops with an annoyed grunt.
“What?”

“Is your friend okay?” Her voice
is spacey and her eyes seems to drift behind her movements. Maybe
she's sick. But why is she in the main lobby instead of the
emergency room?

“Yeah, he's fine,” the other me
answers, not seeming to notice anything odd about Tanya being here.
“He's in intensive care, but he's just peachy.”

“Maybe you should pray for him,”
Tanya suggests, her words mis-formed by her lassitude. “I'd like to
pray with you.”

“Why don't you just do it for
me?” TOM asks. “I prefer to talk to people who exist.”

Tanya frowns, taking a while to
understand the statement. TOM's turned the corner between us and
the elevator before the young Crusader puts it together. “God
exists!” she calls out, her fingers trying and failing to grab her
cross. “And He loves you! If you could just accept that, you could
be saved, Drew!”

If the other me hears, she
doesn't bother replying.

“Calm down, Tanya,” Ricky coos,
bending over her. “She'll accept Christ soon. We'll get that
horrible demon out of her.”

Horrible demon? I trade a
confused look with Finn.

“I know what you're doing,”
Tanya slurs. Finally, she manages to catch her pendant. I'd have
thought the gesture far too well ingrained for her to have trouble
with it, however exhausted and ill she may be. “It won't work.
It'll go wrong. You have to stop.”

“It'll go fine,” he croons at
her. “My angel told me this is the path. She was right about Drew
coming here this morning and she's right about the rest of it.”

His angel? Ricky Woodman has a
personal angel now?

“Let it play out,” Fray says
sternly, grabbing for Finn's arm and drawing my attention to
them.

“He drugged the coffee!” Finn
yells at him, jerking his arm free and striding after TOM.

“Yes, he did.” Fray appears in
Finn's way, but the latter dodges the block with ease.

“He did?” I ask.

Ricky Woodman slipped drugs into
my coffee... Why? Did the 'angel' that told him I'd be here tell
him to?

“Yes,” Finn growls. “Probably
gave you whatever he gave Tanya earlier.”

Tanya... Shit. Yeah, she's not
just feeling bad. He must have gotten worried she was going to mess
things up.

“Wait!” I jog after Finn. “I
died from being pushed. Even if I'm about to be acting like Tanya,
how would I get from here to being shoved off the overlook?”

He stops to look down at me.
“You're only shoved if the dream's exactly right. Tossed would kill
you just as easily.”

“The dream was sent by The
Shadow Lord,” Fray announces.

I scream in frustration and spin
to glower at my friend. “If he knows so damn much, why doesn't he
just tell us?”

“Maybe he doesn't really know,”
Finn suggests, going to stand beside TOM while she waits on the
elevator.

“He knows.” Fray takes a deep
breath, looking around like he's looking for eavesdroppers. “He
could get in a lot of trouble for helping. If he just let
everything happen without his help, Drew would die and we wouldn't
know how or where. That's what he should do. There are rules in our
society and he's breaking a big one.”

“Why?” I ask. “Why do that for
me?”

“He'd do just about anything for
you,” Fray whispers.

Chill bumps coat my arms.
“Why?”

While the other me shuffles in
impatience, Finn and I stare at Fray, who concentrates on the floor
for a while before meeting my eyes. “The Shadow Lord's name is Drew
McKinney.”

“What?” Finn asks.

“Andrew McKinney,” I whisper. My
hand searches for Finn's and latches onto it as some of the puzzle
pieces snap together. “Granddaddy McKinney is The Shadow Lord?”

Solemn, Fray nods.

“But... He died of a heart
attack,” I state, not quite arguing. “There's nothing violent or
tragic or traumatic about that.”

Fray shrugs. “I've always gotten
the impression he stayed because he was watching out for his
family.”

“Like my grandpa won't leave the
store,” Finn adds, getting a hesitant nod from Fray.

Looking severely annoyed, TOM
reaches out and presses the already lit button on the wall. She
blows on the coffee, takes a sip, then winces. Everyone knows
vending machine coffee tastes horrible, so there's no way she's
going to notice the drug. I wonder how long it's going to take to
start messing with her.

My mind's still boggling as I
follow TOM into Cris's room. His mom smiles at her, but neither of
them say anything as my living self leans against the wall, sipping
at the painfully bad brew while she watches Cris like she's certain
he's going to leap up and run away any second. Eyes glued onto her
with just as much concentration, Finn grinds his teeth together and
radiates anxiety.

TOM starts to droop shortly
after she finishes the drink. Following a huge yawn, she shakes her
head and announces, “I need more caffeine.”

Her steps seem unbalanced as she
makes her way back to the elevator.

My grip on his arm keeps Finn
from doing anything when TOM staggers and nearly falls into the
wall. Should I tell him to move out of Shadow and shout for a
nurse? Surely if anyone saw what we're watching, they'd do
something to keep the living me here. Which would keep her alive,
right?

My mouth opens, but Fray shakes
his head quickly. His eyes are frantic when they meet mine. What is
he not saying?

“Trust me.” The words simply
appear in my thoughts, written in that figurative book in my
head.

I envision the book, imagine
writing on it. “What are you keeping from us?”

“Trust me,” he scrolls across my
imagination. “Please.”

Maybe I shouldn't. But I do.

TOM leans against the back of
the elevator while we ride down to the nerve-jangling sound of Finn
grinding his teeth. If he doesn't stop doing that, he's going to
need dental work.

My arms twine around Finn, as
though I have any chance of holding him back if he decides we've
done things Fray's way long enough. He lets out a breath while he
puts an arm against my back. His hand rests on my hip, his fingers
digging in around the bone. It hurts, but if the possessive
grasping makes him feel better then I don't mind it.

Ricky and Tanya are still in the
waiting room but Tanya's taken a turn for the worse.

TOM's footsteps slow. Is she
finally starting to suspect something? Because she's going to
realize something's up eventually, isn't she? Surely I'm not that
stupid... My eyes flicker to Finn. Then again, this wouldn't be the
first time I'd been blindsided by the obvious.

We all stop near the Crusaders,
Finn's hand still on my hip and Fray hovering on the other side of
him, waiting to pounce if Finn starts charging in. Tilting her head
to the side while peering at Tanya, the other me asks, “Is she
alright?”

“Yeah,” Ricky answers. “The
doctor said she'd probably drift off.”

TOM's frown deepens. “Shouldn't
they have kept her then? Or sent her home? What's she doing out
here?”

Ricky's eyes flicker around the
room, landing almost everywhere except on TOM's face. She clears
her throat, moving into his gaze in an attempt to meet it. “What's
going on?”

“She doesn't have insurance,”
Ricky says, sounding miserable to be announcing that to the world.
“The doctor thought she should keep close in case she has a bad
reaction. But if she stayed back there, they'd have to charge for
it.”

The other me nods and I don't
blame her for accepting that answer. I have no idea if they bill
emergency visits based on how long you hang around being observed
but it doesn't seem far-fetched. And Tanya would hardly be alone in
not having health care insurance.

“But it's okay for her to be
sleeping?” the other me checks.

Ricky nods quickly. “As long as
her pulse is steady. Which it is.”

TOM nods again, then lurches in
surprise when Ricky stands up without warning.

My hold on Finn tightens
instinctively but he's perfectly still. In fact, he's so still that
it's scary. I watch him, not sure what it is I'm looking for. I
can't say if I'm worried he's about to snap, worried he's plotting
something foolish, or worried neither or those are true.

Ricky laughs quietly, nervously.
“He said we only had to stay here half an hour, then I could take
her home.”

I try to look at Fray but Finn
completely blocks my view of the ghost's face, so I look back at
the drama. Ricky's stuffed his hands into his pockets and is
looking down at his friend. He squints in thought, like he's
wondering how he's going to get her out of the lobby. Not being
exactly toned, it's unlikely he could carry her by himself.

He stoops over Tanya while TOM
staggers a few steps toward the coffee machine. “Tanya?” he calls a
few times, giving her a little shake to try to bring her to.

She murmurs, shifts, and stays
asleep.

“Hey, Drew?” Ricky trots over to
TOM with a unsteady smile. “Um... Do you think maybe you could help
me get her into the car?”

Those of us in Shadow hold our
breaths as the living me studies Ricky. “Why is she with you?”

He gapes, thrown by the
question.

“Why you? I mean, shouldn't her
parents have brought her here?” TOM clarifies.

“Good girl,” Finn whispers.

“Probably,” Ricky admits, his
hand going to his chin and partially covering his mouth. “But
they're in Pigeon Forge. It's their anniversary.”

Finn sighs. Ricky's giving off
all sorts of tells that he's lying through his teeth, but his
answer seem plausible enough that TOM's buys it anyway.

“Drew...” Tanya stirs, her head
moving as she tries to find me with glassy eyes. “Don't go,
Drew...”

At this point, I'm sure she's
trying to tell the living me not to go with Ricky but TOM
interprets it as a plea against abandonment. She sighs
begrudgingly, nods, and moves to stand next to Tanya. “Alright.
I'll help.”

Tanya struggles to say
something, probably trying to tell TOM she's got it wrong, but the
harder she fights for consciousness the less awake she seems. I
bite my lip when Tanya slides under again. I really hope Ricky
didn't give her too much of whatever he's handing out.

My bones jar in tune to the
grinding of Finn's teeth as TOM helps Ricky get Tanya out of the
chair. Still asleep, Tanya murmurs like she's having a nightmare,
but her legs support enough of her weight that her caretakers are
balancing her in a sleepwalk more than they're carrying her.

Living Drew isn't looking very
stable herself. Neither's Ricky, really. His physical balance is
fine but he's dripping sweat and his skin is flushed. His eyes jump
in random patterns of fear. And his pause when TOM stumbles on the
lip of the doorway screams of near panic. If the second girl passes
out before he can get either of them to his car, Ricky's in
trouble.

The automatic doors are drifting
shut before I realize we aren't following. I look up at Finn,
finding him staring at Fray. Shifting for a better view, I keep my
arm around Finn's waist and his hand stays on my hip.

Fray meets Finn's glower with an
aggravating calm that's likely to get him punched very soon. Or
worse. The ghost takes a deep breath, letting it out with
excruciating slowness. “Here's the deal, kids...”

His eyes move from Finn's to
mine. “You grandfather has gone to a lot of trouble setting things
up for you not to die at that overlook.”

I nod.

“I think you'll survive going
there.”

Frowning hard, I nod again.

Fray takes his time continuing,
starting to speak a heartbeat before I urge him to hurry up. “I
don't know what will happen if you're somewhere else.”

“What do you mean?” Finn asks
swiftly.

Fray's lips curve ever so
slightly as he looks back to Finn with eyes much softer than they
were before. “The universe doesn't like to see its plans thwarted.
It wants Drew to die today. Right now, everything's focused on her
dying in a certain spot. But if you rush out into that parking lot,
the focus will move. And I have no idea where it will move to.”

Swallowing, I concentrate on
breathing. The words make sense. I'd been thinking Fray wanted
things to go further so there would be payback and conclusion. If
the police find Ricky out on the road with two drugged up girls,
he's going to jail. Whereas if Finn had simply distracted the other
me, not only would nothing have been done to Ricky unless we could
prove he'd dosed Tanya, but Ricky would still be trying to hurt
me.

The idea that's not just Ricky
but existence itself out to get me is chilling. I want to scoff at
it. The universe doesn't have plans any more than a town has plans.
The universe is just a place. But maybe fate isn't a matter of
conscious planning. Maybe it's just momentum. Maybe death is
pulling me closer with a force like gravity. Maybe I'm close enough
to it for that force to be tremendous. To seem determined.