I Heart Christmas (37 page)
‘It’s Christmas,’ he replied. ‘Miracles can happen.’
‘You are a miracle,’ I said, running my arms around his waist and rubbing my cold hands against the soft wool of his sweater. ‘I can’t believe you did this.’
‘I know things have been tough lately,’ he said, pressing his forehead against mine and kissing me lightly. ‘I wanted to remind you of some of the good times. How we got here in the first place. How I fell in love with you.’
‘I’ve never forgotten that,’ I promised, kissing him back harder, hoping that I could explain without words. ‘And I never will. I know I get caught up in other stuff and I know I clam up and don’t talk when I’m stressing out but I am always, always in love with you.’
‘I was pissed that you didn’t tell me about the doctor stuff,’ he admitted, pressing a hand against my cheek. ‘I was pissed that you were keeping it from me. And then I was pissed at myself for making you feel like you couldn’t tell me.’
‘Oh God, don’t.’ My blue eyes met his green ones and not a single sight in all of Manhattan could have torn them away. ‘It wasn’t that. I had to process it all first, that’s all. I know I can tell you anything. I was just being stupid.’
‘And you’ve made an appointment to see the doctor?’ he asked, brushing my hair away from my face, his fingers catching carefully in its snowy tangles. ‘And we’ll go together?’
‘Not yet,’ I admitted. ‘But today was something of a write-off. I will, on Thursday, I swear it.’
‘And you know it doesn’t matter what she says, right?’ Alex looked super serious for a moment. It didn’t happen that often so when those sleepy eyes were open and alert, I paid attention. ‘Because I already have everything I want. I had it from the day we met in that coffee shop. I knew it the day we came up here together and I knew it for sure the day I gave you that ring.’
I looked down at my engagement ring and bit my lip. The snow was already making my mascara work so hard, there was no need to push it to the limit with tears.
‘And what about Max Brenner’s?’ I asked.
‘Oh man, I just needed to send your folks some place,’ he laughed. ‘Get them out of the house.’
‘They’re here for a week,’ I reminded him. ‘I think they’ll be hanging out there a lot.’
He leaned over me, shielding me from the snow as it began to come down in big, heavy flakes, and pressed his lips against mine. His mouth was warm and familiar and the feeling in my stomach began to spread all over my body as I pulled him towards me, standing on my tiptoes to get as close as humanly possible to the man I loved.
‘If you carry on like that we’re gonna get arrested,’ he said in a low, broken voice as he pulled away. ‘Save it till we get home.’
‘How about the cab on the way home?’ I replied, grabbing his collar and pulling him back into me. ‘Home seems very far away.’
‘You’re all talk, Angela Clark,’ Alex said, the same longing in his words that I felt in myself. It seemed as though it had been a long time since we’d been together. ‘Let’s get out of here so I can give you your real present.’
‘You do mean we’re going home to do it, don’t you?’ I asked as he took my hand and led me back towards the lifts. ‘Because a girl’s got needs.’
‘Yes, that’s what I meant,’ he said, shaking his head as we went. ‘We’re going home to “do it”. You and your romantic soul.’
‘One of a kind,’ I said, poking myself in the chest. ‘They don’t make them like this anymore.’
‘They really don’t,’ he replied. ‘Thank God.’
Christmas Day was exactly what Christmas Day was supposed to be.
Grace woke us all up far too early and when she jumped on top of me at six a.m., I was thankful that Alex had remembered to put his underwear back on after our late-night stealth sex session. Louisa and Tim emerged from the makeshift guestroom in the basement holding hands and looking incredibly awkward but clearly we weren’t going to be having any epic conversations while my mother was marching around insulting my selection of vegetables and preheating the oven to nuke the turkey.
While me and Lou helped Grace open her pile of presents, my dad poured the boys an Irish coffee while my mum wasn’t looking, and pretty soon everyone had a bacon sandwich in one hand (except for me who was a third of the way into a Terry’s Chocolate Orange, as was tradition) and a drink in the other. Once the mountain of presents Grace had managed to amass were open and strewn across the apartment, Alex allowed us all to open one gift each, having been brought up by abusive parents who only let him open his presents after lunch. I sat impatiently, watching everyone else ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over their gifts while trying to select the most likely-looking box under the tree. I picked the gift bag that contained a six-pack of knickers from M&S and three pairs of black opaque tights. I was not amused. After making the usual complaints when I turned on the TV, insisting that Christmas was family time and we didn’t need the ‘goggle box’ on, Mum eventually piped down when I gave her the latest James Bond on DVD and told her she could put it on while we all got showered and dressed in our nice clothes.
While some quiet time might have been what I wanted, it wasn’t what I needed. The idea of lounging around on the sofa with nothing better to do than annoy Alex all day long still sounded pretty great, but nothing could have made me happier than seeing my dad bouncing Grace on his knee while my mum and Alex, both resplendent in aprons Mum had brought from home, argued over whether or not to cut tiny crosses into the bottom of the sprouts before boiling them.
It was a proper Clark family Christmas.
Or at least it was until Jenny, Craig, Graham and James arrived with a bottle of tequila and a half-eaten pizza. According to Jenny, it was a Lopez family tradition but if it was, it was the first I’d ever heard of it. Not that a little thing like bullshit stopped me from taking a shot, obviously. Almost eight hours after the turkey had been brined, basted, cooked, carved and then microwaved out of my mother’s sight to get rid of any red bits, and our new dining table was covered in nothing but remains of the carnage that had been Christmas dinner, we left Mum with her two favourite Jameses – Bond and Jacobs – and let Dad pass out on the sofa while the rest of us headed out for a post-lunch stroll-slash-drink.
‘Everything’s all right then?’ I asked Louisa as we climbed the stone staircase. ‘With you and Tim?’
‘I wouldn’t say all right,’ she said, sniffling a little from the cold. ‘But he isn’t cheating. He is mates with that girl who’s been texting him and I’m not convinced she’s not having a go at him but he says she’s got a boyfriend and she’s just one of the lads and there’s nothing to worry about. But he did admit he’s been a bit shit lately.’
‘A bit shit doesn’t send you running off over the Atlantic,’ I replied, too much turkey straining against my jeans. I wondered if I could pop open the top button without anyone noticing.
‘Very shit then,’ she bargained. ‘From what I can gather, he’s been sat in front of the PlayStation in his boxers and feeling sorry for himself. He says he thought I wasn’t coming back.’
‘Then why didn’t he try to get you back?’ I asked, a very clear picture of Tim’s bachelor week in my mind. ‘Hasn’t he completed
Grand Theft Auto
yet?’
‘He says he was scared,’ she whispered. ‘He actually said he was too scared.’
‘Ohhh.’
We both stared in wonder. An English man. Having feelings. And admitting to them. Scandalous.
‘And I have to admit, I haven’t been on my best wife-ing behaviour either,’ Louisa said. ‘I’ve been too preoccupied with Grace and we fell off the radar. We both need to try harder if we want it to work. I feel so silly for overreacting now.’
‘It’s so easy to fuck it all up, isn’t it?’ I blinked as we reached the top of the stairs and walked out onto Brooklyn Bridge. ‘It happens before you know it.’
‘I think a lot of the time, it’s not one big thing,’ Louisa said. ‘I think it’s loads of little things. By the time the big thing comes along, it’s already dead. I hope we’ve caught it in time. I really do love him.’
‘I know,’ I said, squeezing her hand. ‘And he knows. Like you said, you just have to try sometimes. I’ve thought about getting it tattooed onto the insides of my eyelids.’
‘What are you guys whining about?’ Jenny crashed hard into the pair of us, throwing her arms around our shoulders and jumping up and down. ‘It’s CHRISTMAS!’
‘We were just deciding whether to throw you off the bridge now or on our way back,’ I replied, pushing her away. She was far too strong for such a small woman. ‘What do you think?’
‘You’re supposed to wait an hour after eating before you swim,’ she replied, sticking out her tongue. ‘So let’s do it on the way back. And then I’ll swim back to your place and kick your ass.’
‘She’s going to make a great mother,’ Lou said, smiling against the sunlight.
‘Yeah, maybe just not yet.’ Jenny pushed into the middle and linked arms with us both. ‘I think maybe I’m gonna hang in there and save up for that Birkin this time.’
‘You’re getting a handbag instead of a baby?’ Lou was rightly confused.
‘I’m gonna wait a little while longer and see if I can’t find a Birkin of a boy to knock me up,’ she explained. ‘Not that I don’t love the shit out of James but I need someone who will be around. And he can’t promise that he will be. Or rather he will promise and then he’ll flake and if that’s the way it’s gonna be, I’d rather hit up the sperm bank.’
‘I told you, I’ll make a baby with you.’ Craig appeared at my elbow and pulled Jenny out of the chain, tossing her over his shoulder. ‘It’ll be my Christmas gift to you.’
‘Because you didn’t get me anything, you cheap bastard.’ Jenny pounded on his back with small fists but she was laughing as he charged forwards, running off across the bridge.
‘I really, really hope that he’s joking,’ Alex said, taking my free hand in his. ‘That is not a christening I want to go to.’
Lou squeezed my arm lightly and let go of the other side, jogging to catch up with Graham and Tim. I raised my hand over my eyes to see the outline of Grace, happily swaying from side to side on her daddy’s shoulders.
‘And you know we’d be putting it through college,’ I replied, smiling at the happy-ish family. ‘And taking it to college. And picking it up from college. And feeding it and clothing it and everything else-ing it.’
‘I’ll get him sterilised first thing in the morning,’ Alex said gravely. ‘And you can get the Pill injected, right? Can you make your doctor friend give her that?’
‘I’ll give it to her myself,’ I promised. ‘I’ll tell her it’s Botox to stop her arse from sagging.’
‘She does have a great ass,’ Alex admitted, tilting his head to the side to get a better look. ‘I’ve got to give her that.’
I shoved him a little but he was right. She did have a great arse. That was one of the reasons I wasn’t worried about her finding a man.
‘But it’s not as great as yours, my love,’ he said, kissing the top of my head.
‘Obviously,’ I replied, lifting my face up towards him for a proper kiss.
We stalled for a bit, hanging back while the rest of the gang walked on and leaned against the barrier, looking out at the Statue of Liberty. It was hard to see anything when the sun was so bright but the sky was blue and the water glittered beneath us, keeping Brooklyn and Manhattan at a safe distance. Close enough to wave but not near enough to start any trouble. The spiky skyline of the city was completely greyed out as the sun leaned over into the west but Brooklyn sparkled. The windows of the warehouses and fancy apartment buildings on the waterfront glowed orange with the reflected late afternoon light and there were patches of snow that had settled on Christmas Eve and gone undisturbed overnight. I imagined me and Alex taking our child there and building snowmen or throwing snowballs. I imagined taking him or her over to the carousel in the summer and taking pictures to send to my mum and dad. Playing in the park, taking them to school for the first time, sitting on our stoop and watching Alex teach them to ride a bike on our new street. For the first time, I really imagined what it would be like to not just be us anymore, but to be a family.
‘You’re quiet,’ Alex whispered into my ear.
‘It’s a Christmas miracle,’ I replied in a voice just as low.
‘You’re having a good day?’ he asked, turning his back on Lady Liberty and leaning in towards me. ‘Or at least a better day than yesterday?’
‘I’m having the best day,’ I said, meaning every word. ‘And Mum remembered to bring my pork pies so it’s only going to get better.’
‘I’m going to make every day better,’ Alex promised, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand. ‘That’s my job. That was part of the whole marriage deal.’
‘I missed that part of the vows,’ I smiled. ‘But it sounds nice.’
I looked over to see Graham throwing Grace high in the air while she screamed with laughter. Tim and Louisa were holding hands, her head resting on his shoulder, and Jenny and Craig were stumbling alongside them, stopping every few steps to kiss like teenagers. Probably because they were drunk like teenagers. It felt good to see everyone smiling and I couldn’t imagine how I could possibly be happier than I was at that exact moment. I felt as though someone had emptied out all the stress and the worry and the panic and filled me up with light and sunshine and assorted Disney characters. That or I was very, very drunk.
‘Merry Christmas.’ Alex kissed the top of my head and pulled me by the hand, hurrying to catch up with the others. ‘Come on. You can open the rest of your presents when we get back. I’ve heard a rumour that there might be shoes.’
‘I’m coming,’ I said, letting him drag me along. ‘You don’t have to bribe me with footwear.’
‘Since when?’ he asked, eyebrow arched. ‘Shoes, Angela Clark, there are shoes waiting for you.’
I laughed and I picked up my pace but I wasn’t in a rush. I wasn’t in a rush for anything. I had everything I needed right there with me on that bridge, and it was more than enough.
Dear everyone, please accept this virtual hug as the Christmas card I won’t have time to send and know that I have asked Santa to put you all on the ‘nice’ list. He says you’re golden. Rowan Lawton, thank you for being everything that you are and for stopping me from licking Brian Cox at dinner that time. Thank you to everyone else at Furniss Lawton and James Grant, especially Liane, Blaise and Georgie (what happens at karaoke, stays at karaoke) and Izzy, John and Will, thanks for suffering so quietly through the Kelktails madness.