Read I Am Charlotte Simmons Online
Authors: Tom Wolfe
I Am Charlotte Simmons (81 page)
“Well, hel-lo, Sarah!” she sang out. She obviously had been fixing that Sarah into her memory ⦠to last.
Mrs. Thoms took a deep breath and quickly scanned the room. Charlotte was sure the funk of coal and gas fumes had shocked her and made her look about the poor little room in a judgmental fashion.
Charlotte had instinctively hung back. So Momma introduced Mrs. Thoms to Buddy and Sam first. The boys shook her hand and said “Yes, ma'am” to whatever it was she had asked them. Meantime, Momma was busy making a fuss over Mr. Thoms, who was too polite to take a deep breath and investigate the premises, even though he had never been here before, either.
“Oh, Land o' Goshen, Mr. Thoms, you're so nice to
come
!” She called him, whom she knew fairly well, Mr. Thoms, and her, whom she barely knew at all, Sarah. Charlotte started to try to figure that outâbut for what earthly reason did it matter? All that mattered wasâwhen would they leave?
come
!” She called him, whom she knew fairly well, Mr. Thoms, and her, whom she barely knew at all, Sarah. Charlotte started to try to figure that outâbut for what earthly reason did it matter? All that mattered wasâwhen would they leave?
Mrs. Thoms approached by herself. “Charlotte,” she said, “I don't think I've seen you since graduation last spring. I never did get a chance to tell you what a wonderful speech you gave.”
Charlotte could feel herself blushing. It wasn't from modesty in the face of praise. “Thank you, ma'am,” said Charlotte. Then she tensed and blushed, expecting the next words out of her mouth to be about Dupont.
“Right after your speech, I told Zach”âit seemed so strange, this ZachâCharlotte had a recollection that Mr. Thoms's full name was Zachary M. Thoms, but it had never occurred to her that there might be people who called him Zachâ“he ought to have a public speaking program at the high school. I think every student ought to be able to do what you didâmaybe not as well, but they ought to not be
afraid
to. You didn't even look at a note.”
afraid
to. You didn't even look at a note.”
Charlotte felt herself turning crimson all over again, not so much because of Modesty's proper embarrassment as because she couldn't think of any appropriate reply. Should she say thank you again? Somehow it didn't fit. She just wanted this whole evening to be over.
Seeing Charlotte stuck, Mrs. Thoms filled the conversation vacuum. “Oh, I wanted to ask you, Charlotte. My brother married a girl from Suffield, Connecticut, and one of
her
sister's daughter's best friendsâshe met her when they both went to Saint Paul's School in New Hampshireâyou know Saint Paul's?”
her
sister's daughter's best friendsâshe met her when they both went to Saint Paul's School in New Hampshireâyou know Saint Paul's?”
Charlotte hadn't followed any of this genealogical excursion, but she did get the part about Saint Paul's, and she said, “Yes, ma'am.”
“Well, her friend goes to DupontâI think she wanted to go to Dupont, too, but she ended up at Brown. I shouldn't say âended up,' I guessâshe's a senior now, and she can't say enough good things about Brown. Anyway, her friend is a senior at Dupontâ”
This conversation, innocuous though it was, was already weighing down on Charlotte, already an immensely heavy burden for a depressed girl. The last thing in the world she wanted to chitchat about was somebody's daughter at Brown's former friend at Saint Paul's who is now a senior at Dupont.
“âand sheâI'm talking about my brother's wife's ⦠sister's ⦠daughter's friend”âshe started laughing at herselfâ“What does that make her? If my brother's wife is my sister-in-law, then what does that make
her
sisterâ
also
my sister-in-law?âor my sister-in-law once removedâ” She laughed again. “I think I've been in the South too long! I can't believe I actually said that, âbrother's wife's sister's daughter's friend'âanyway, she's a senior at Dupont and she says she knows you.”
her
sisterâ
also
my sister-in-law?âor my sister-in-law once removedâ” She laughed again. “I think I've been in the South too long! I can't believe I actually said that, âbrother's wife's sister's daughter's friend'âanyway, she's a senior at Dupont and she says she knows you.”
“Knows
me
?” Charlotte was startledâfrightened. Her amygdala had removed the safety and was primed in the fight-or-flight mode.
me
?” Charlotte was startledâfrightened. Her amygdala had removed the safety and was primed in the fight-or-flight mode.
“That's what she said. The girl's name is Lucy Page Tucker.”
The blood began draining from Charlotte's face. She stared at Mrs. Thoms with a ferocious intensity, looking for ⦠even the slightest tipoff toâ
“You know her?” said Mrs. Thoms.
“No! Not at all ⦔ Charlotte realized that her voice was weak and shaky and terribly wary, but she had no control over it. “I mean, I think I like ⦠know who she is. But I've never met her? Golly, I don't think I'd know her if I saw her. And she says she
knows
me?”
knows
me?”
I'm being too defensive! she thought. Now she'll know she's onto something! Charlotte's brain was boiling, and the steam rose.
“That's what my sister-in-law said. I just talked to her this afternoon. I got the impression that you and this girl were in the same crowd.”
Now Mrs. Thoms seemed to be studying
her
face for ⦠any little giveaway. Charlotte knew she should be ⦠cool ⦠but it wasn't in her.
her
face for ⦠any little giveaway. Charlotte knew she should be ⦠cool ⦠but it wasn't in her.
“Oh, not at all!” she said. “I mean, I think she's like ⦠president of a
sorority
or something! I don't even have any crowd. I'm just a freshman. I'm not evenâ” She didn't try to complete the sentence. She shrugged.
sorority
or something! I don't even have any crowd. I'm just a freshman. I'm not evenâ” She didn't try to complete the sentence. She shrugged.
“Well,” said Mrs. Thoms with a cheery smile, “maybe she's considering you as a candidate!”
Was that smile fake ⦠ironic? How much did she know? All of it? Gloria talking to Lucy Page at Mr. Rayon ⦠the lioness ⦠She wouldn't forget that big face and its mane of blond hair in a thousand years.
“Oh, she wouldn't be considering
me
. I'm justâI mean, nobody's ever even
heard
of Sparta or Alleghany County or the Blue Ridge Mountains, most of them. They went to private schools? I mean, like ⦠we're completely different? I'd
never
join a sorority. I mean, I might as well like ⦠join the ⦠uh ⦠uh ⦠Afghanistan
army
or somethingâ”
me
. I'm justâI mean, nobody's ever even
heard
of Sparta or Alleghany County or the Blue Ridge Mountains, most of them. They went to private schools? I mean, like ⦠we're completely different? I'd
never
join a sorority. I mean, I might as well like ⦠join the ⦠uh ⦠uh ⦠Afghanistan
army
or somethingâ”
Mrs. Thoms laughed at that, but Charlotte didn't even have it in her to laugh along with her. She hadn't even meant it as funny.
Nothing
is funny to a depressed girl. She had to spit
all
of it out.
Nothing
is funny to a depressed girl. She had to spit
all
of it out.
Even as she did so, Charlotte was aware that she was out of control, and she only hoped that all the question marks in her declarations had neutralized theirâdesperation. How much Mrs. Thoms knew, which also meant how much Mr. Thoms knewâboiling, boiling, boiling, boiling, Charlotte scanned Mrs. Thoms's face square millimeter by square millimeterâ
A drop in the noise level of the little room as the front door openedâ
“Why, Miz Simmons”âgaspâ“land's sakes, it's just real nice”âgaspâ“to see you!”
The unmistakable good-hearted contralto of Miss Pennington. She and Momma had always remained Miss Pennington and Mrs. Simmons to each other, and more than once Charlotte had wondered if it was because of her. Charlotte could hardly believe it, but Miss Pennington went up and gave Momma a hug, and Momma hugged her, too. Charlotte knew intellectually that the very sight should fill her with happiness. The two most important women in her life had closed whatever gap there was between themâbut ohmygod, think of the peril! What one knew, the other would know, too! And what Mrs. Thoms knewâthey would soon know, too!
Behind Miss Pennington came Laurie. She immediately frightened Charlotteâbecause she looked so radiantâactually radiant it was, her complexion; actually winning it was, her smile; actually contagious, they were, her high spiritsâLaurie lit up the room.
“Mrs. Simmons!” she said. “It's been a month of Sundays!” Whereupon she gave Momma a big hug.
“Merry Christmas!” The jolly contralto of Miss Pennington as she shook Daddy's hand and then put her other hand on top of Daddy's hand, creating an affectionate sandwich.
Daddy was beaming over such a merry and sincere expression of fondness,
and his eyes followed her as she embraced Mr. Thoms and then made a fuss over Buddy and Sam.
and his eyes followed her as she embraced Mr. Thoms and then made a fuss over Buddy and Sam.
The boys had been smiling and dancing a little jig ever since she and Laurie came through the door.
“This is for you and the family!” said Laurie, hoisting her other hand, two fingers of which were looped through the neck handle of a half-gallon plastic jug of apple cider, non-fermented, one could be sure. There was a green-and-red plaid Christmas ribbon about the neck. “This is from Miss Pennington, too. Merry Christmas!”
Momma took the jug in both hands. “Well, I'll be switched,” she said. “You all surely did bring this to the right house. Buddy and Sam are sort of partial to apple cider themselves!”
She looked at them. Buddy put on a comic grin, and Sam copied him, and everybody laughed.
“What do you say, boys? âThank you, Miss Pennington, thank you, Laurie! And Merry Christmas to
you
!'”
you
!'”
Charlotte stood where she was, next to Mrs. Thoms. She was fully aware of what a marvelous Christmas moment this should have been ⦠the family assembled round the potbellied stove ⦠dear friends arriving on a snowy night bearing gifts ⦠cheeriness so rich and thick you could cut it like fruitcake ⦠Laurie looking absolutely glorious, a girl in the prime of youthful joy, generosity, and love for the folks around her ⦠and Charlotte Simmons, on her first trip home from the field of triumphâ
she goes to Dupont
âin a state of panic over what somebody right here in the room knows. She
wanted
to rush forward and hug her beloved mentor, who had plucked her out of obscurity in the Lost Province and sent her off to the great world arena “where things happen.” She wanted to shriek “Laurie!” in unrestrained, girlish camaraderie upon seeing her best friend from high schoolâthe one constant when she took her stand against Channing and Regina and all the rest of the Cool cliqueâand rush toward her and embrace her with the sheer uplifting joy that gladdens the heart of every grown-up looking on, because she knows she's witnessing a bond of sisterhood that will last a lifetime, regardless of their fates in terms of wealth, the status of their husbands, or anything else. But Charlotte could barely force herself to put a civil smile on her face, and a rush toward anyone was out of the question.
she goes to Dupont
âin a state of panic over what somebody right here in the room knows. She
wanted
to rush forward and hug her beloved mentor, who had plucked her out of obscurity in the Lost Province and sent her off to the great world arena “where things happen.” She wanted to shriek “Laurie!” in unrestrained, girlish camaraderie upon seeing her best friend from high schoolâthe one constant when she took her stand against Channing and Regina and all the rest of the Cool cliqueâand rush toward her and embrace her with the sheer uplifting joy that gladdens the heart of every grown-up looking on, because she knows she's witnessing a bond of sisterhood that will last a lifetime, regardless of their fates in terms of wealth, the status of their husbands, or anything else. But Charlotte could barely force herself to put a civil smile on her face, and a rush toward anyone was out of the question.
Charlotte could see Momma coming about. “Where's Charlotte?” she said. “Charlotte! Look who's here! Oh, there you are! I can't see for looking!”
From the expression on Momma's face you could tell that she was just
waiting for her daughter to come forward, rush headlong, and put on the show of affection the moment demanded. And so was everybody else. Charlotte made the gravest smile one could imagineâand she knew itâand could do nothing about itâand moved forward, away from Mrs. Thoms, ever so slowly. She wanted to move faster â¦
con brio â¦
but she couldn't command her legs to do it. She could feel her smile growing steadily more feeble by the moment.
waiting for her daughter to come forward, rush headlong, and put on the show of affection the moment demanded. And so was everybody else. Charlotte made the gravest smile one could imagineâand she knew itâand could do nothing about itâand moved forward, away from Mrs. Thoms, ever so slowly. She wanted to move faster â¦
con brio â¦
but she couldn't command her legs to do it. She could feel her smile growing steadily more feeble by the moment.
In the few seconds it took her to reach Miss Pennington,
something
must have happened to her poor feeble face, because she saw Miss Pennington's big Christmas smile grow puzzled. She threw her arms around the big woman's neck and said, “Oh, Miss Pennington, Merry Christmas.” The words were right, but the music was off, the notes, flattened by panic and something more, which was guilt.
something
must have happened to her poor feeble face, because she saw Miss Pennington's big Christmas smile grow puzzled. She threw her arms around the big woman's neck and said, “Oh, Miss Pennington, Merry Christmas.” The words were right, but the music was off, the notes, flattened by panic and something more, which was guilt.
Miss Pennington must have detected something herself, because this wasn't the kind of homecoming embrace in which both parties rock this way and that before finally stepping back to make a beaming appraisal of one another. No, they parted pretty quickly, and Miss Pennington sounded as if she were speaking in some official capacity as she said, “Well, Merry Christmas to you, Charlotte. When did you arrive?”
Charlotte told her when she arrived and what a time they'd had driving up the mountain in the snowstorm. What on earth had the woman seen in her face? Then she turned to Laurie and tried hard to do better. “Laurie!”âand she held out her open arms.
“Why, it's the Dupont girl!” said Laurie.
They hugged each other and even put their cheeks next to one another's; but as hugs go, it felt like sheer protocol. Whatever it was about her expressionâher mannerâ
“Merry Christmas, Mr. Thoms! Mrs. Thoms!” Laurie had already turned to the Thomses. Her ebullience had immediately returned. Her cheeks were rosy. Her smile was sunshine itself. Youth! Joy! Hope! Rude animal health! Beauty! Laurie wasn't
really
beautiful, but her radiance made up for any flaw. What did it matter, the faintly puffy quality of the end of her nose? She was the girlâthe confident, warm-spirited, buoyant, loving young womanâany parents would love to see coming home from college. Charlotte didn't envy her, however, because envy was irrelevant. Envy was a luxury of those who still had hopes for the future. No, Laurie merely made Charlotte pity herself all the more. She forced her to see in the most graphic way all the qualities Charlotte Simmons no longer possessed. She no longer had the
strength to pretend, either. Anything anybody said, any look anybody gave herâfor that matter, the mere presence of anybody in this roomâbore down on her with an abominable weight and made her anxious to be somewhere else. The entire planet now orbited menacingly around her deep worries. All else was irrelevant.
really
beautiful, but her radiance made up for any flaw. What did it matter, the faintly puffy quality of the end of her nose? She was the girlâthe confident, warm-spirited, buoyant, loving young womanâany parents would love to see coming home from college. Charlotte didn't envy her, however, because envy was irrelevant. Envy was a luxury of those who still had hopes for the future. No, Laurie merely made Charlotte pity herself all the more. She forced her to see in the most graphic way all the qualities Charlotte Simmons no longer possessed. She no longer had the
strength to pretend, either. Anything anybody said, any look anybody gave herâfor that matter, the mere presence of anybody in this roomâbore down on her with an abominable weight and made her anxious to be somewhere else. The entire planet now orbited menacingly around her deep worries. All else was irrelevant.
Momma wasn't the sort who was given to having people stand around talking and drinking refreshmentsânot even unfermented cider or lemonade or branch waterâbefore sitting down to have supper. Charlotte decided she was just going to have to find the strength to get through it. There would be some pretty good talkers at the table, Momma, Miss Pennington, Mr. Thoms, and, as she now realized, Laurie (who had gotten
fucked,
same way she had) and Mrs. Thoms wouldn't be bad at it, if she had to guess. That left only her and Daddy. So she would just let all the talkers talk and talk and talk, and she would get through it by forcing a smile and nodding a lot, and if anybody asked her about something at Dupont, she would just turn it over to Laurie and ask her how that thing is at N.C. State.
fucked,
same way she had) and Mrs. Thoms wouldn't be bad at it, if she had to guess. That left only her and Daddy. So she would just let all the talkers talk and talk and talk, and she would get through it by forcing a smile and nodding a lot, and if anybody asked her about something at Dupont, she would just turn it over to Laurie and ask her how that thing is at N.C. State.
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