Authors: Renee J. Lukas
“Well,” Lydia said gruffly. “You need to stay in now. It’s mandatory. A Category 3 is churning in the Gulf.” Her gestures were very dramatic. “We’re just getting the outer bands.”
“You mean this isn’t the storm?” I exclaimed.
“No, it’s not.” Lydia’s hands were on her hips.
“Oh, for God’s sake,” Adrienne sighed. “We’re in a brick building.” She glanced at the TV screen. “It’s heading west anyway.”
“That may be!” Lydia snapped. “But guess where the most dangerous side of a hurricane is? Where we are, the east part. We’ll be getting fierce winds and rain all night. So you two better hunker down.”
We laughed all the way back to our room.
“Hunker down!” Adrienne mocked her, throwing her keys on the desk. “Let’s be sure to ‘hunker down.’ Jesus, does anyone really say that?”
“Apparently she does.”
We laughed harder.
As rain pelted the window of our tiny room, I cracked open a beer. The devil on my shoulder wanted to lose control again. “Let’s have a hurricane party,” I said excitedly.
“The girl who doesn’t party?” Adrienne’s mouth broke into a slow smile. “Don’t you have to study?” she teased.
“I can’t go to the library tonight,” I said, taking a sip. “The drill sergeant out there would kill me.” To be honest, I wanted to re-create the situation that had resulted with her in my bed. The part of my brain that wasn’t working would have done anything to make it happen again.
Take that, Reverend Butler!
She laughed, pulling out a beer for herself. “She’s probably called in the military to guard the doors.” Ever since our conversation in the convenience store, Adrienne seemed odd around me. Maybe she was nervous. “I could call Nancy upstairs.”
I took a step toward her, setting my beer can on the desk. “That wasn’t the kind of party I had in mind…unless you’re scared.” I slid my arms around her neck, suddenly feeling bolder than ever. This time it wasn’t the beer talking.
Adrienne backed away. I stood, dangling, in the middle of the room, feeling a lump swell in my throat. She took my hand and sat me down on my bed. We sat side by side against the wall, under Bette Davis, with our legs tucked up beside each other. The seconds that passed might as well have been a hundred years. I watched as she traced the sharp edge of the opening of her beer can. “I’m not scared,” she said.
“Really?”
She lowered her eyes. This was the first time I’d seen her look really vulnerable. I thought I understood so much more about her now. “I just…”
“I’m not your type,” I teased. “You think I’m too uptight.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yeah, you do!” I laughed. “And it’s okay. But I’m not.”
“I know! I’m starting to think you’re the wild one of the two of us.”
“Not hardly.” I dissolved into giddy laughter, shaking my head more times than necessary. “You have that honor.”
* * *
Under the watchful eye of Bette Davis, I was just an eighteen-year-old girl in love. It was innocent and frightening in ways it didn’t have to be, other than the usual terror of falling in love with someone who never made you feel sure you were standing on solid ground.
“It’s just that…” Adrienne struggled. “I’m not queer, you know.” She looked at me with a pained expression.
My face, my entire body, spread with the heat of embarrassment and humiliation. I had to somehow scrape my pride off the floor. “It’s okay,” I said. When I looked at her again, I was so busy concentrating on how to look cool and undaunted by her revelation that I didn’t even remember her face or what she said next. There was only an ache inside, a pain stronger than any I’d ever known, getting stronger inside me. “Excuse me.” I had to go out to the bathroom where I could let it all go. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me cry. That was something I’d never, ever show her.
Chapter Forty-Five
Robin paused on the stair, realizing that Adrienne hadn’t closed her apartment door yet. Then another thought surfaced—the possibility that this chapter of her life didn’t have to be closed if she didn’t want it to be. There was such freedom in opening herself to the idea of joy, pure joy, and possibility, again. She climbed the stairs, ignoring every thought that tried to pull her back down. She met Adrienne in the doorway, took her face in her hands and kissed her like it was the end of the world.
Adrienne pulled back. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
Robin nodded, still lingering on her lips, her chin, and thinking only about everything she wanted to do to her. She wouldn’t deny herself, not now. As she tried to pull her tighter to her, Adrienne stopped her again.
“Because I don’t play games,” Adrienne said. “Not anymore.”
Robin kissed her again, holding her tightly so Adrienne wouldn’t change her mind. Then Adrienne held her hands and led her inside.
* * *
Adrienne’s bedroom was decorated as warmly, as invitingly as the rest of her apartment, which shouldn’t have been all that surprising to Robin. But it reminded her that Adrienne was, in fact, an adult. There wouldn’t be posters of hair bands on the walls. Robin smiled to herself, grateful for the passage of time and warmed by the memory of the girl she used to know. They fell upon a down comforter, and Robin couldn’t hide her smile.
“What?” Adrienne traced her mouth and searched her eyes.
“Remembering.” Robin’s smile was bigger and more joyful than it had been in years. She felt slightly self-conscious as Adrienne continued tracing the features of her face. She imagined what Adrienne must have been thinking—her drooping eyelids, sagging cheeks. Of course Robin imagined them so much worse in her mind.
“You’re beautiful,” Adrienne said, almost in a whisper. Hearing Robin’s sharp intake of breath, like a gasp, Adrienne took her into her arms and kissed her so deeply, urgently, erasing all thought, all reason from Robin’s mind.
They peeled off each other’s clothes in a passionate fury, years of ache and desire, too long unanswered…for Robin, it felt like her last chance to be free.
She held Adrienne’s face gently as she laid kiss after kiss on her soft, yielding mouth, kissing her cheeks, her eyelids…
Adrienne laughed at the frenetic kisses; it was as if Robin only had seconds to live and was getting every last bit of pleasure she could find in this life. There was a sense of frenzy, as they reached for each other with eager hands. Adrienne’s bronze skin wrapped around Robin’s pale, porcelain body, intertwined in a raw, sensual dance. Robin was unapologetic and bold, the way she caressed the round fullness of Adrienne’s breasts, something she’d imagined—and remembered—for so long. The feel and scent of her skin, it was so familiar to her, so perfectly intoxicating. As Robin mounted her, Adrienne’s hands were cupping her backside possessively, then gliding slowly up to her shoulders, in awe of her.
They moved so easily together, as moonlight cast its spell of shadows and made more perfect the imperfections of the day.
Like an old movie, the moon’s streaming light gave Adrienne’s face a gentle, Hollywood glow. Robin stroked it, yearning to see every expression as she touched her.
Adrienne felt her longing and answered with caresses almost too unbearably real for Robin, making her want more.
As the hours ticked by, Robin’s insatiable desire only grew. She held Adrienne’s strong thighs and pushed them apart, driving her wild with thrashes of her tongue, her lips. Robin remembered
Curious Wine
and the Emily Dickinson poem it referenced: “I had been hungry all the years…my noon had come to dine…” The feel of Adrienne’s raised hips, quivering, convulsing…she was so utterly lost in the moment, she almost didn’t hear her begging her to stop. She slid up the length of her beautiful, bronze-like body and held her.
“I’m sorry,” Robin whispered.
“Don’t be, please.” Adrienne tried to catch her breath. “I haven’t been…treated like that in years.” She laughed. “It was so good I need a cigarette. And I don’t smoke anymore.”
Robin could feel her cheek in a smile against her chest, her heart still thudding so fast.
The night seemed to stretch out with no end, with Robin losing herself next, shuddering, as Adrienne enjoyed her, with expert fingertips never losing contact with her breasts and her whole writhing body.
Before long, the light shifted behind the window curtain, a silent warning for Robin. As Adrienne slept, she checked her phone. Peter’s voice mail messages reminded her of the reality waiting right outside the door. No matter how long she stayed here, she couldn’t shut out the world forever.
She hurriedly grabbed her clothes off the floor. With one step of her foot on a creaky floorboard, Adrienne began to stir in the bed. She raised up slightly on her elbows and looked at the clock.
“It’s early,” Adrienne said. “Can’t you stay for breakfast?”
“Oh no,” Robin answered. “I have to get back to the hotel.”
She knew she needed to leave before dawn broke, before her identity was revealed to everyone on the street. And she knew she couldn’t be seen arriving at the hotel; it would only spark another scandal.
“Oh.” Adrienne’s face fell as the reality set in for her. She threw off the sheet, tempting Robin with her nude body lying there. “I guess you have to go back to being a big, self-righteous right-winger.”
“Don’t.” Robin sat on the edge of the bed. “Don’t ruin it.”
“Ruin what?” Adrienne sat up. “What’s there to ruin? What is this?”
“You’ve given me a wonderful memory. But that’s all.” Robin glanced at her bare breasts, then looked away. She rushed to gather the rest of her things. Sadly, she had to accept that her joy couldn’t last forever. There was too much at stake.
Adrienne bolted out of bed and followed her to the living room. She seemed to enjoy how uneasy she was making her, the way Robin couldn’t even look at her.
“Could you please put some clothes on?” Robin was obviously uncomfortable.
“You didn’t seem to mind last night. In fact, you preferred me without clothes.” Adrienne purposely straddled a barstool by the kitchen counter, revealing the still glistening wetness between her legs.
Robin ached but turned away to pick up her coat from the couch. “You knew this wouldn’t be able to last,” she said. “We can’t make more of it than it was.”
“I told you I don’t play games.”
Robin turned to face her—Adrienne’s arms were folded over her breasts and her legs still wide open…
“What do we call
this
?” Robin said, gesturing to Adrienne’s pose.
“Touch me one more time,” Adrienne said. “If you can and you still leave, I’ll believe it’s over.”
Robin approached her slowly and reached for her face. But Adrienne took her hand and drew her finger along the velvety, wet center of her. Adrienne’s breath caught in her throat. Robin couldn’t stop stroking her once she’d begun. Adrienne kissed her so hard that everything in Robin’s head began to swirl.
Minutes later, Robin was undressed again, and they were slow dancing in the living room, their hearts pounding. Robin’s whole body felt like a flowing river of peace, relaxation, an exquisite pleasure she hadn’t experienced in so many years.
* * *
Adrienne wore a long, soft button-down shirt as she fixed them coffee. Robin, back in her flannel shirt and jeans, reclined on the couch, watching her tanned legs with admiration.
“You know,” Robin said, “I used to look for the light on in our window when I came back from classes. I’d get excited to know you were back…with your reading lamp on.” She smiled to herself at the memory.
“I have a confession too,” Adrienne said, handing her a steamy mug. “I used to sit at the window and watch for you to come up the hill.”
Robin broke out in a slow smile that quickly turned to sadness. She only took one sip of her coffee before she said, “You know I can’t stay.” She knew she was now going to have to outrun the sunrise if she was going to make it back undetected. It might still be possible. “It’s been so…wonderful.” Words failed her, but everything she felt was in her deep blue eyes, which could barely hold back the flood as she made her way to the door.
“Yeah.” Adrienne followed her, waving her hand like nothing mattered. “I don’t know why I’ve been so nice to you. You’ll probably win, you know. And now, after this, can you say with a straight face that what we are is unnatural?”
Robin stepped toward her and held her face in her hands. “Nothing has ever felt so natural and right in my whole life. The worst part is, I’ll never be sure if I’m doing the right thing, leaving you.”
“The worst part is I know you’re doing the wrong thing, and I have to let you go.” Her caramel eyes were shinier than Robin had ever seen.
There was some peace in knowing that Adrienne did feel the same, but it also made everything more difficult, even tragic.
Robin held her one more time.
“Wait!” Adrienne pulled away and went to the bedroom to get something from her nightstand drawer. She came back, holding a wrapped gift in the shape of a small rectangle. She gave it to Robin and closed her fingers over it. “Don’t open it until before the debate. It’s for good luck.”
Robin looked at her suspiciously. “You’re wishing me luck? Wouldn’t you prefer to see me lose?”
“Well, yeah. But take it anyway.” Adrienne laughed, then held a smile, a loving, genuine smile that Robin felt deep inside.
“Thank you,” Robin whispered, kissing her on the cheek. “I don’t know what it is, but thank you.”
They both laughed awkwardly, neither one able to face the magnitude of this moment, like the time they said good-bye at school. Some moments were too filled with emotion to be able to move through easily. And if Robin let herself feel completely, it would be too much to handle. If it was a final good-bye, neither of them wanted to say it.
It would be Robin to break the awkward silence first. “I guess this is good-bye.”
Adrienne nodded quickly, almost businesslike, her smile dissolved. She took a deep breath. “I don’t like ‘good-bye,’” she said. “How about ‘so long’?”
Robin nodded. “So long.” She gave her a long hug, then turned and left.
Chapter Forty-Six