Authors: Kate Brauning
How we Fall
the rest and brushed my hands off on my jeans while the swarm-ing bodies fought over their plunder.
We walked toward the playground equipment. Sparrows hopped and chirped along the picnic shelter roof on the singles already warm from the sun. “So, do you know what you want your third wish to be?” Will asked.
“My what?”
“Your third wish. So I can be forgiven for waking you up.”
His shoulder brushed mine as we walked. Even through the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I felt his warmth.
“I’m not sure. I’ll have to think about it.” I’d thought he’d been teasing about a third wish, but maybe he really did want me to pick something. He headed for the bandstand, and I almost said something, but then I followed him up the steps.
I’d never been up here with a guy before. I sat on the stage, leaned up against the curving band shell, and stretched my legs out in front of me. He sat down close enough that our legs touched.
The band shell faced the middle of the park. Because the giant trees blocked it from the view of the road, it was a popular place for making out. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to be here with him.
He couldn’t like me as much as he seemed like he did. Will was just a flirt. Next month he’d take another girl out to breakfast and sit on the bandstand with her. I didn’t really care.
He was so different from Marcus, but somehow it only made me miss him more.
When I didn’t shift away from him, Will took my hand and threaded his fingers between mine. I should have let Marcus hold my hand more. At the beginning, he’d wanted to.
“Hello in there.” Will turned toward me a little, leaning his shoulder against the band shell. “What are you thinking about?”
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“Nothing.” I looked down at our hands. This guy, this super hot guy, was into me for whatever reason, and I was daydream-ing about my cousin. Claire would tell me I was an idiot. She’d be right.
The blue in his eyes darkened. “Well, do you know what I’m thinking about?”
I did. Every time I looked at him, a shock went through me at how light his eyes were. He hesitated, and I moved toward him, just an inch. He leaned down. My stomach tightened and my brain turned to fizz. I hadn’t kissed anyone but Marcus for years.
His lips touched mine and he held still for a moment, asking. I touched his ribs, slid my hand around to his back, and pulled him closer. He kissed me, eyes closed and eyelashes dark on his skin. I pulled in a deep breath, closed my eyes, and kissed him back.
My fingertips traced his chest, feeling the strength of his muscles and his beating heart. Will might not be in love with me, but at least he knew what he wanted and went after it.
That, more than anything else, made me want him.
His chest pressed against mine, and he slid an arm around my waist. He pulled out my ponytail and ran his hand through the layers of my hair the way Marcus used to.
Marcus had to get out of my head. I leaned back on an elbow and pulled Will down beside me, a little surprised at myself but not really caring. We lay on the bandstand floor, him kissing me, his hand on my side and mine curled in his shirt.
Not hiding was a relief.
I broke away. I looked into his eyes for a moment, catching my breath. He lifted my chin with a finger and kissed me again, but I pulled back. This was too much for a first date. He was going to get the wrong idea. “Just so you know, I don’t—I mean, I’m not . . . ”
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He grinned. “Oh, don’t even start.” He came back, his shoulders looming over me. I ran my hand up his back, feeling the warmth of his skin and muscle through his shirt. I relaxed and let him kiss my cheekbone and my lips again.
Forget Marcus. My world didn’t hang on him. Guaranteed he’d been doing this with Sylvia. I pushed toward Will and he leaned back so I was above him. He kept on grinning.
“What?” I demanded. He didn’t answer. I’d never wanted to kiss anyone besides Marcus, but right now, I wanted Will. Kissing him was easy. Surprisingly easy.
His face turned serious. He reached to tuck my hair behind my ear and brushed his thumb along my cheekbone.
I froze. His thumb traced my eyebrow, his lips touched my neck, and I couldn’t move. If I closed my eyes, this was the basement and he was Marcus. The tightness in my gut turned to the stab of a half-healed wound splitting open.
Will paused. He sat up a little. “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head. If I could just breathe for a minute, I’d get over it. Marcus wasn’t an option. He never really had been. I bit my lip but it didn’t help, and hot tears spilled down my face.
He sat up all the way. “Did I do something? I swear, I wasn’t—you seemed—only whatever you wanted, nothing else.”
“No. I’m just being dumb. Never mind.” He hadn’t done anything except do exactly what Marcus had always done. I’d remember the callus on Marcus’s thumb brushing my skin for the rest of my life.
“Shit. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.” His eyebrows drew together.
“No, I’m sorry. It’s not you. I just . . . ” Breaking down crying was high on the list of things not to do while making out, but that didn’t stop me.
“Tell me,” he said.
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I shook my head. “It’s just that I broke up with someone, sort of, not too long ago.” He didn’t have to know who.
“You did,” he said. “Okay. Well, I was dating this other girl a few months ago. It’s not a big deal. I don’t care.”
I almost laughed but cried instead. Having dated other people wouldn’t make me cry while making out. “That’s not it.”
“Oh.” He got it. “So it’s too soon.”
I nodded and wiped my face. I had a feeling it would be too soon for a long time.
“Come here.” He leaned against the band shell again. I scooted back. Crying like this was so embarrassing.
“So, if you’re crying, it’s not just that making out is a little weird. You’re not over him yet?”
“Not really.” I hadn’t talked to anyone except Claire about this, but as long as Will didn’t know who, it helped to say it out loud.
“But you said you broke up with him, right?” He was still confused, but I could hardly blame him.
“Yeah. I mean, it wouldn’t have worked.”
“Were you together a long time?”
“A year.” The words sounded strange, even to me. I’d never said them to anyone but Claire.
“Wow. Well, this is awkward. You didn’t love him, or what?”
He picked up a stick from the bandstand floor. The trees around the band shell had littered leaves and twigs across the stage.
I wasn’t expecting him to ask that. He sounded like he didn’t really want to know the answer. “I did, actually.”
“Then why wouldn’t it have worked?”
I hesitated. “We had a lot of problems.”
“Chris never mentioned you dating anyone. He said you were single.”
He said it too casually, turning the stick over in his hands.
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“Chris didn’t know. We didn’t really tell anyone.”
“Why, was he married?” he teased, but his voice had an edge. “Was he a teacher or something?”
“No.” I almost smiled. “Mostly the problem was my parents. They weren’t okay with it.” All true things. I wasn’t lying.
I shoved my hands in the pockets of my hoodie. The day was already too warm for wearing it.
He stilled. “Was it Marcus?”
I looked up, too stunned to think of a convincing denial.
“A few nights ago he came over to my place, and he said something,” he said. “Once he got drunk, he kept talking about Sylvia, wouldn’t shut up about her, but then out of nowhere he said, ‘I thought Jackie loved me.’ He just kept saying ‘I thought she loved me, I really thought she loved me.’ I figured he said the wrong name or was talking about a different Jackie. But he wasn’t, was he?”
My face flamed. I couldn’t look at him. By now, he’d be regretting that he ever asked me out.
And why had Marcus said that? I’d told him I loved him. He should know it.
Will was waiting for my answer. I shook my head.
He was quiet for a moment, staring at the bandstand floor.
After a minute, he sighed. “Well, I guess that makes sense. But it’s a bummer. I like you.”
What did that mean? “Please don’t tell anyone. I can’t believe he told you.”
He squeezed my shoulder. “Well, he told a whole room of guys, but they weren’t paying any attention. Unless they heard him say your name, it just sounded like he was mooning around about Sylvia. Seriously. I’ve never been that broken up about a girl.” He paused. “So, why’d you break up with him for real?”
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secret so fast. “We weren’t ever really dating. I mean, we’re cousins. It had to end sometime.” He was judging me for messing around with my cousin. He had to be.
He didn’t say anything for a minute. When he did, his words were careful. “Do you still want to be with him?”
I shook my head. “Our parents would throw a fit. We’d have to move out. School would be miserable and they might call a social worker. It’s not worth it.”
I shouldn’t tell Will all this. It was my secret. Guilt had hung over me for years because of it, and I’d stopped trying to get to know people because I’d been afraid they’d find out. But it had been almost a month now, and I wasn’t getting over Marcus, and I didn’t think I ever would.
“You do want to be with him, but you don’t, because he’s your cousin.” He broke the stick in half. The broken ends splin-tered.
The truth might be embarrassing, but at least it was the truth. I did love Marcus. I did want to be with him. “Right.”
“Well, that’s a problem, but it’s not so bad.”
He couldn’t know how much of a problem it was or wasn’t.
“It seems bad enough to me.”
“I mean, him being your cousin might be weird, but it’s not like it’s wrong or anything.”
I just sat there. I’d never truly felt like it was wrong, exactly, but it certainly wasn’t good. “You don’t think it’s weird?”
“Well, it’s strange. My dad married a twenty-five year old last year. They swear it’s true love and all that, so whatever. Stuff happens.”
“Is that why you moved out?” I asked.
“They wanted their space.” He played with his cell phone instead of looking at me.
Clearly not the whole story. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.” He shoved his cell phone back in his pocket. “So, 185
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you’re telling me you went out with me, and made out with me, but it’s not going to go anywhere because you want Marcus instead.”
For the millionth time this summer, I hesitated. “Not neces-sarily.”
He shrugged. “I mean, it’s okay. I get it. It’s just not exactly how I’d planned on the date going.”
I played with the broken stick he’d tossed aside. “No, I mean, I really want to get over him. I just don’t know how.
He’s always bringing Sylvia around, and no one at home even knows, so we can’t even fight like normal exes. And everything he says—” Shit. I was still crying. “It just sucks.”
He picked up one of the broken pieces. “It sounds like you want him back.”
“No. I don’t.” Sunlight crept across the bandstand stage.
Getting over him was the plan, not getting him back. Plus, I’d literally offered myself to him, and he’d said no.
“If it worked out, you could just move to another state.”
“We can’t do that.”
“If you love him enough that you’d fall apart while kissing a hunk like me, it’s clearly a big deal. I mean, I’ve never had a girl break down and cry while making out with me before. It’s a pretty big shock to my pride.” He gave me half a smile.
I raised an eyebrow. “I think your pride will be okay.” I didn’t know how to handle his reaction to the whole thing.
“Why don’t you think it’s weird?”
He huffed. “You were together for an entire year, which is normally a lot, but between cousins, that’s a heck of a lot. I mean, you’re obviously still hung up on him, and he is too, or he wouldn’t have blabbed about it to a whole room of guys. I just think,” he pulled away a little and turned to face me. “I just think there are enough hard things in life you can’t do anything about. Parents get divorced. Dads kick their kids out of the 186
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house. Don’t let something make you miserable if you can do something about it. If that’s what makes you happy, go for it.”
I stared at him. “You really think that?”
He threw the sticks off the stage. “So what if it causes some family disruption; it’s causing that already. And honestly I don’t see how the relationship can be wrong if you really care about him. If you’ve got a chance at something good, I think you’d be crazy to not go for it. Besides, it’s not like it’s never happened before.”
My world was tilting too fast for me to keep up. Not wrong.
He didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I ducked my head.
“Even if we could, he’s dating Sylvia.”
He gave me that cocky grin. “If being cousins isn’t a problem, Sylvia had better not be what stops you.”
It was so tempting to decide what we had was worth it, to try to dissolve the last month and take him away from that lip-glossed messy blonde. But we wouldn’t last, and I’d lose him. “I can’t do it.”
Frown lines creased around his eyes. “Then what do you want?”
I wiped my face and sat up straight. “I’m trying to change what I want. And I really like you.”
The frown disappeared and a corner of his mouth tipped up.
He looked down at the bandstand floor, then over at me again, for all the world looking like I’d just embarrassed him. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Then—would you go out with me again?” His confidence returned. “Say you will. Come on. A second date.”
I’d laughed more in the last week than I had all summer.
“You can’t mean that. I just told you I’m in love someone else.”
“I’ll take my chances. Besides, charm is on my side.”
I’d told him pretty much everything. If he wanted a second date that badly, then okay. “All right. That sounds fun. But nothing fancy.”