Authors: Carrie Thomas
Forever,
Cash
I noticed
that he ended the letter with f
orever
,
t
he inscription I had put on his watch. I kept reading his words over and over. I looked at my alarm clock…3:47 am. The only thing in my mind was that he was gone. He left me with a note. I didn’t even get to hug or kiss him. I felt as though my world was ending and my muscles hurt as I curled up in my bed with the letter he left for me and cry.
I d
idn’t
even open the box
of letters
yet
,
because somehow in my mind
,
they make it real. They make it real because I know he would have never let me read them if he were still here. I didn’t even know about them. I feel lost right now. I kn
e
w it was coming anyway, but I guess I thought we would have a proper goodbye. Maybe I felt like we would do the long distance thing, I didn’t know
,
but I didn’t expect any of this. I got up out of bed and went to my top drawer and pulled out Cash’s blue
S
uperman
T-shirt
. I held it up to my nose for a brief moment before I put it on. I had to sleep in it
…
it made me feel closer to him.
I tried to call him as I
lay
back down
,
but his phone was turned off. I guess he was in the air flying back to Boston. I felt so hopeless at that moment, like a rug had been pulled out from under me. I had never been so heartbroken in all my life. I put the box
of letters
to the side of my
bed under my night stand.
I exhausted myself with tears and hopeless thoughts in his
T-shirt
that night and continued this same daunting path every night after that for three months. I was physically and emotionally worn out.
Every day
,
I just went through the motions. I played basketball, went to school and did my homework. I hadn’t been out with Jess and Cara in a while because for some reason
,
I didn’t want to have fun. I didn’t really want to enjoy anything, I was hurt and sad and I guess I just wanted to feel that emotion for a while.
I had truly never felt so low in all my life. This just justified how strong my feelings for him were. I felt like a hallow shell. There was nothing deep inside me…nothing
,
but hurt.
I walked into my room one day after school and decided I was ready to face the letters. I opened the box and sat down on my bed. I counted each one. There were thirty of them and they were each in plain white envelopes
numbered one through thirty
written neat in the right hand corner. I picked up the
envelope that had day 1 in the corner and opened it.
Millie,
I don’t really know you yet
,
but I want to. From the moment I laid eyes on you
,
I thought you
were the most beautiful girl I’ve ever
met
.
There was something about you that is different from anyone I’ve ever been around. You’re genuine, smart and beautiful.
I didn’t want
to like you because even though
I don’t know you
,
I could already tell you were too good for me.
You make me curious to know all about you. I want to know everything from what made you choose the silver nail polish you were wearing today in school
,
to what you wear to bed at night. Maybe one day you can tell me yourself the answers to all my questions about you.
Cash
It was signed with only his name.
I cried immediately because it felt real. These were his words, not my thoughts.
I knew he loved
me,
it just sucked because we couldn’t be together. I missed his blue eyes, his messy hair, his scruffy beard, his backwards baseball cap, his really
sucky
tattoo and his really sweet one, I missed lying in his arms,
his
sweet slow kisses…I missed him.
I put that one on my bed and picked up another, this one day 4…
Millie,
I didn’t really want to talk about this in a letter
,
but your all I can think about and you wanted to know. The other night when your dad arrested me, I wasn’t upset because Cameron deserved it. I would go to jail for
protecting
you
every day
because I want to
take care of
you.
P.S. Your dad was professional. I didn’t state my case to him because he charged me with battery and all I had to do was pay a fine. I was guilty of kicking that kid
’
s ass, no matter the reason for it. Th
at’s why I didn’t fight it.
Cash
Day 18…
Mil,
You have no idea how much you mean to me. Seeing you at school will never be enough for me. I still feel like you are too good for me
,
but I promise I am going to do everything I can to keep you. You are the light in my dark life. I’ve
never even met anyone like you
(remember the apology banana split?) I laughed when you brought that to me the next day
,
but I soon realized that you are just that sweet. Your heart is kind and I’m so glad I met you.
Cash
I didn’t have enough patience to read anymore
,
but the last one. I had to know what it said.
Day 30…
Mil,
You have no idea how long this month has seemed to me. I guess when you’re waiting for something as special as you
,
it’s worth it, but every night when I’m by myself, it seems to drag. It seems that I have waited forever for you without even realizing that’s what I was doing. I had no idea what bad shape I was in
,
until I met you. You completely changed my outlook on well…everything. I always thought showing emotion made you weak
,
but when I see the reactions you have when I express any kind of emotion around you, it is worth it. Trust me when I tell you that I have never, ever felt anything for anyone like what I feel for you already. You are the most special, beautiful
,
bright-eyed girl
I have ever met and I don’t know why you want to be with me
,
but I promise you that I will spend forever trying to keep you. You make me look forward to my life, the
future. I am so excited for our “first” date tomorrow that I can’t sleep. I can’t wait to have you for a few hours alone. I guess, I’ve rambled enough for now and anything else I have to say can be done in person tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow
, sweetheart
and I am sweating with need over being able to touch you and kiss you.
P.S. I know that you were upset with me after your game. I’m sorry that I wasn’t completely honest with you, but I felt like I was doing the right thing to try and protect you. You will always come first for me, Even if that means skirting around the truth every now and then, I’ll do it because I’d rather have you angry with me and here, than for something to happen to you.
P.S.
S.
The other day you asked me when I knew for sure that I could love you…the answer to that is the day you took the cigarette out of my mouth and took a drag. Something about the balls it took to do that knowing you had never smoked before
slayed
me. I realized that night that you weren’t ordin
ary
and I was hooked.
Yours forever,
Cash
CHAPTER
23
“Mil?”
“What’s up?”
“Mil, I’m worried about you. Your dad and I both are. We watch you day in and day out, it’s frightening. You are a shell of who you used to be. I know first loves are tough
,
but do you really think you are supposed to just stop living? Stop existing? I know you love Cash and believe it or not
,
I truly believe he loves you too
,
but you have to have a positive outlook for your life. Sweetie, this is a lesson for you. You have to pull yourself back up and keep moving forward. This isn’t you. I know your down
,
but you need to dig deep and become the person, the woman I know you can. Finish your schooling, go have some fun, go to college. If you and Cash are meant to be, you’ll find you way back to each other. Trust me
,
sweetheart, your life will go on, it has no choice. The choice you do have is what you make of it.”
I sighed deep. I knew she was right. “I know mom, I’m sorry I’ve worried you and dad. I think I’m ready to go forward.”
“I’m glad. I’m going to court with your dad today. He has to testify for the trial. He will be going to Boston next month.”
“Yeah, he told me. He said not to worry about any of it, that it was all a formality.”
“He’s right. This will all end soon and we can go back to normal around here.”
Maybe she and dad will go back to normal,
I think.
I’ll never be the same.
I’m sure my dad never told me all the details of th
e
night that Cash left
,
but he did tell me that when he showed up with other officers that Rusty had Cash at gun point and Mr. Dave was knocked out unconscious. One of my dad’s fellow officers ended up shooting Rusty. He survived the bullet wound and the trial for all the charges were going on this week.
The lawyers for the prosecutor’s side had the three
young guys
that were with Rusty that night
,
willing to testify against the organization along with Cash.
That’s why my dad had to go to Boston next month.
I had kind of faded into the background at school. I still had friends and sat with Jess and Cara at lunch
,
but I wasn’t exactly a social butterfly.
With Cash being gone, I didn’t want to do any of these things anymore. I felt like maybe if I had something new, it wouldn’t remind me of him like the old stuff did.
I really needed a change. I was more ready than ever to graduate.
For some reason, I finally got it the week of prom. Jess and Cara talked me into going. At first, I didn’t really want to
,
but then I realized that I needed these experiences even if I couldn’t have with them with the person I really wanted. I didn’t want to look back ten years from now and know that I couldn’t be my own person without him.
We decided we would just do a big group date this year. We were renting a limo and going to the after party at Cara’s together. I was the last person they picked up that night because of course, I live in the sticks. “Millie, you look beautiful,” my mom said as I came into the living room.