Holy Socks And Dirtier Demons (24 page)

that shocked me the most. Tears streamed down his reddened cheeks as he

hugged his knees and rocked back and forth like a child.

I stumbled to my feet, and took a few steps toward him. My hand

slipped into my jeans pocket and produced the six-inch knife I’d stolen from

Lilith’s kitchen. I raised the blade, ready to plunge it through Samuel’s

horned head.

Thou Shalt Not Kill.

My arm froze above my head. The knife heated, burning my fingers.

Smoke poured off my melting flesh until I dropped the knife. It clattered

harmlessly to the concrete floor.

Mother Mary and Joseph. Jumping Jehovah. What the heck had come

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over me? The urge to reach down and comfort Samuel flooded through me. I

slapped myself instead.

“My father never cared about me, not in the way a father should.”

Samuel wiped at his leaking nose with the edge of his sleeve. “I wanted to do

right, be a good son….”

“Shut u—” The p caught in my throat. Piety sucked. “Where’s

Mary?”

Samuel curled into a ball. “Your father who art in heaven….”

“Come on, man. Where the fudge is Mary?”

“Thy kingdom come, Her ruling be done...” On and on Samuel went.

Jiminy Cricket. I rolled my eyes at the big, bad son of the devil.

“Peace be with you.”

Shoot, I hadn’t meant to say that. I had to get out of here before I

started forgiving and living righteously. A fate worse than heckfire.

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Forty Four

I staggered from the Core and into the grayish daylight. The angel

and the kid stood across the street. The angel gave a you-hoo wave, and I

skipped across four lanes of traffic.

An SUV screamed to a stop, brakes smoking as I pranced past.

“Asshole,” the driver barked.

I shrugged, gave him a vague smile instead of the finger, and raced

onto the sidewalk where the angel waited.

“You’re alive.” The angel examined me, putting a finger to my

busted jaw. It healed under his touch. “We were worried.”

The kid popped his head from the babypack. “Mine.”

I smiled at him and then at the angel. Love filled me, easing the

coldness surrounding my heart. Tender feelings of concern for—I smacked

myself in the eye. The after effects of the God’s Ball were stronger than I’d

thought.

“Did you find the blonde one?” The angel frowned at my blank

expression.

“No.” I smiled, picturing Samuel, the pathetic deity. “But I don’t

think Samuel will be a problem anymore.” At least I hoped not, but a sudden

feeling of impending disaster came over me. “Come on, let’s get the heck out

of here.”

The angel nodded, scooped up the babypack, and followed me up the

street.

A block north of the Core, a woman ran toward our ragtag group.

She wore a dark green leaf-like dress. It shivered and swayed like a palm tree

in a hurricane, finally settling around her toned calves when she stopped in

front of me.

“You bastard,” she screeched.

Her words didn’t shock me nearly as much as her right hook. After

planting her tiny fist into my jaw, she pulled back for another punch. Pain

exploded inside my brain, but displaced by shock and the kid’s howls from

inside the babypack, it disappeared quickly.

“Quiet.” I tapped the kidsack and turned to the abusive woman.

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“What the heck was that for?” I ducked her next punch and stepped to the

side to put some distance between us.

“You murdered my husband.” She emphasized her point with a left

sucker-punch. I caught her hands, twisted her around, and pushed her to the

ground. Sprawled on the pavement, she stared up at me, her face a mask of

female rage. It was a look I’d seen from two out of three of my ex-wives.

I released her arms and scratched my head. “Who’s your husband?”

The angel frowned at me. I shrugged. What could I say? I wasn’t an

angel. Okay, according to heaven, I was, but that didn’t erase my past.

The angry woman rose to her feet. She was pretty with golden hair

and plump lips that glistened even in the weak sunlight. I started to lose

myself in her green-apple-colored eyes.

“Adam.”

“What?” I stared blankly at her. She rolled her eyes. “My husband.

Adam.” She stabbed her fingertip into my chest. “Burned to cinders inside

your apartment. Does that ring any bells?” With each word, her voice grew

louder until she reminded me of a screeching hen.

I knocked her pointy finger away. “I had nothing to do with Adam’s

death.” Even if I wasn’t too choked up by it. Lilith’s ex-husband was a

douche bag, and the world was better off without him.

“Liar.” At the edges of her eyelids, tears glistened, growing larger

until the droplets spilled down her cheeks.

Poor Eve. Years spent making up for original sin had taken a toll.

Her tears didn’t fall prettily anymore, or maybe I was immune to Tammy

Faye waterworks.

“Listen, I’m sorry for your loss.” I wasn’t really, but after losing

Lilith, I understood her pain. “But I didn’t—”

“You might not have set the fire, but you’re responsible. You and

that slut Lilith.” Her eyes burning with anger. “After your visit, Adam

changed. Suddenly he wanted to confess everything.”

“Like what?” Confession was good for the soul, or so they told the

suckers who flocked to the confessional every week.

Eve wrung her hands. The action reminded me of a child, but I

wasn’t about to repeat Adam’s mistake. I had never liked the taste of apples.

“He went to your apartment to tell you—”

Tires squealed and I spun as the muzzle of an AK-47 poked its head

from the tinted window of a white minivan for a second time. Glass exploded

behind me, sending shards of sharp projectiles at the back of my head.

Bullets whizzed past.

I dove for the angel, not to save his worthless hide, but to protect the

kid. In that instant, I knew the truth. I would give my life, my soul, and even

my collection of tasteful erotica to keep him safe. Not because he was God’s

only son, but because I cared about him, a relatively new feeling for me.

My body slammed into feathery angel wings, softening the impact of

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concrete and broken glass as we hit the ground and rolled behind a beat up

Buick. Shielding the kid and the angel with my body, I drew my nine-

millimeter to return fire.

Click.

Fuck.

What kind of protector ran out of ammunition?

On the bright side, the God’s Ball had worn off, and a litany of fresh

curses spewed from my lips.

The kid squirmed underneath me. “Mine.”

“Hang tight.” I pressed him tighter against my body. “It will be over

soon.” One way or another.

The cowards in the minivan fired another volley of rounds. The loud

pings sounded like a demonic popcorn maker without the sweet, buttery

aroma. Instead, the air smelled of gunpowder, fear, and the metallic scent of

blood.

Blood? Shit.

I checked the kid for bullet holes. Nothing. At least I wasn’t a

completely worthless guardian. The angel looked all right too. No seeping

wounds or nasty dirt stains.

Sirens echoed in the distance, growing louder as the sound waves

stacked one atop another. I poked my head around the car. The drive-by

shooter in the minivan pulled the gun’s muzzle from the window, and I

caught a glimpse of a black tattooed band that circled his wrist. The minivan

sped down the street, nearly running over a mailbox in its bid to escape.

I’d seen that tattoo before, but where? A fleeting memory flashed

through my head, but it failed to take root.

A gurgling to my left drew my attention. Eve. Damn, I’d forgotten

about her. I crawled on my belly toward her prone body. Half of her once

beautiful face was missing, blood already pooled around her head, growing a

darker shade of crimson as it mingled with the asphalt.

“Eve?” I gently shook her. “Can you hear me?”

“Mahahaa…,” she moaned through mutilated lips.

Pulling off my sweatshirt, I pressed it to what was left of Eve’s head.

Blood soaked through it, staining my hands. My eyes found her one

remaining one, and silently I watched as she died.

It looked as if Adam and Eve would be playing together in the

Garden of Evil soon enough. Satan had better watch his back, and I’d better

watch mine.

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Forty Five

The trek to Lilith’s apartment took over an hour, thanks to the New

York Department of Public Safety. They’d towed Lilith’s Gremlin while I’d

been inside the Core fighting to save the world, so we had to hike the twenty-

some blocks home. Under normal circumstances that wouldn’t be a problem,

but I was lugging a screeching kid and dragging a complaining angel, not to

mention picking shards of glass out of my every orifice.

A block from Lilith’s, the kid was in full screaming-hungry-fit mode.

The angel suggested breast feeding, but the blonde we passed on the street

politely refused. Okay, maybe polite wasn’t the right word. She slapped the

angel so hard he flew back three steps.

I rocked the kid back and forth. “As soon as we get upstairs I’ll stuff

you full of cat chow. Just shut up for two seconds.”

The kid’s lip trembled, sucking in and out like a blowfish. “Mine.”

He sniffed. “Mine, mine, mine.”

“I know, kid. It’s rough being the Messiah.” I tucked him back into

the kidsack and climbed the six flights of stairs to Lilith’s apartment. My

lungs nearly gave out on the last step.

Standing outside apartment 676 was a tiny, doll-faced, drunken

cherub. “Hey you.” Cupid jumped around, waving his fat arms. Folds of skin

flapped like the pink feathers of a drag queen’s boa.

Damn. I ignored him and unlocked Lilith’s apartment. I did not want

to hear whatever Cupid had to say. I’d had enough. Between the kid’s

screeching, the angel’s whining, and the smell of Eve’s death surrounding

me, I’d reached my limit.

For the first time in my life, I considered a long soak in a bathtub

filled with bubbles. Fuck. Hanging out with the metrosexual angel was

turning me into a pussy.

Cupid’s chubby feet pounded the ground behind me. I shut the door

just in time and grinned at the satisfying sound of his head smacking into the

door.

Inside the apartment, Lilith’s scent surrounded me. My chest

constricted, and tears sprang into my exhausted eyes. I blinked them away.

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Must be a residual effect of the God’s Ball.

“Mine.” The kid shoved a fist into my cheek, trying to comfort me, I

guessed. I unstrapped him from my chest, and set him on the floor to torture

Bodhi cat.

Better the cat than me.

A loud thump shook the front door. “Let me in, you demon-fucking,

daddy’s boy, son of a whore,” Cupid yelled.

“I do not like him,” the angel said, stroking his feathers. “He smells

like cabbage.” Actually, I was pretty sure the cabbage smell was coming

from the kid, but why push the issue?

The pounding on the door grew louder until I couldn’t stand it. I

threw the door open, catching Cupid around the neck. My fingers dug into

the baby soft flesh surrounding his throat, as I squeezed polluted air from his

lungs. “What the fuck do you want?”

“Ahahhhakkkka—”

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.” Instead of loosening my grip, I squeezed

tighter.

A gooey hand plastered itself to my leg. “Mine.”

I glanced down at the kid, who stared up at me, eyes filled with

disappointment. Apparently, smiting living things at will was fine, but

heaven forbid I strangle one little deity.

“Fine.” I dropped Cupid. He landed on the welcome mat with a thud

and promptly let out a cabbagey belch. The angel shot me an ‘I told you so’

look.

I squatted next to Cupid. “You have ten seconds.”

He frowned and pulled at his diaper. “I could use a drink.”

“No.”

“Self-sacrificing, my ass.” He brushed past me into Lilith’s

apartment. “Okay, here’s the deal. You fucked up, and now you have to clean

your mess up.”

I followed him inside, watching as he opened the refrigerator and

slammed down four beers. The last four beers. My ire rose along with his

blood alcohol level.

He burped, spewing noxious gas throughout the room. Bodhi sniffed

the air, and fell over dead. His short legs stuck straight into the air, a fact that

caused the kid to burst into another round of shrieking tears.

“Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.” The kid ran in circles around the dead cat