Holy Socks And Dirtier Demons (17 page)

we should go.” Something crept through me, a warning of danger, a feeling

of impeding disaster, but that might have been a result of a head full of soupy

brain.

Lilith nodded, and touched the side of my dented head. “Can you

walk?”

Even if I couldn’t there was no way in hell I’d let her carry me. “I’m

fine. Nothing more than a headache.”
The size of Texas.

Lilith nodded, keeping her arm wrapped around my waist as we

followed the yellow brick road down the Evolutionary path.

Halfway down the trail, I stopped. “Where’s the sword?” Shit. I

turned around and headed back toward the watery alcove.

Lilith’s eyes flashed. “You lost Tyrfing?”

“I didn’t lose it.”

“Well, it wasn’t by your corpse. So I’m guessing you lost it.” She

shook her head, looking disgusted.

Bitch. “Sorry for dying and all. Next time I’ll let you have the

honor.”

“Won’t happen.” She winked. “I’m much harder to kill. Hell, one

little smack in the head with a tire iron and you’re down for the count.”

“She has a point.” The angel looked up long enough from his

manicured nails to nod.

A humming echoed from the rainforest on my right. Suddenly

Tyrfing shot across the sky and embedded itself in the angel’s midsection. He

let out an annoyed squeak, and fell to the ground.

Oops.

“Damn it, can’t you control yourself? You’re like a kid with A.D.D.”

101

She kicked at the unmoving angel. “Shit, we’re going to have to carry him to

the car.”

Guilt rose inside me, but only a little bit. He was annoying, vain, and

for the most part unhelpful. Really more of a pain in the ass than anything

else.

Lilith struggled with his feet. “A little help here.”

“Why? I thought you were tough. Could do everything for yourself?”

At this point, I was just being a dick, exhaustion overriding my common

sense.

“I apologize for my earlier comment. It was uncalled for and mean. I

guess you could say—” She winked at me. “—The devil made me do it.”

I laughed, and begrudgingly wrapped my arms around the angel’s

torso. We half dragged his body along the Evolutionary Trail and to the

Gremlin’s hatchback. Intelligent design, my ass.

102

Thirty

Lilith drove slowly across the Brooklyn Bridge, careful not to draw

attention to the fact we had a kabobed angel stuffed in our hatchback.

“Will he be okay?” I glanced into the backseat, noting the angel’s

pale face and the slight blue tint around his lips.

Lilith swung into the fast lane to avoid a slow moving truck. Its

bumper sticker read: “Don’t follow me, follow Jesus!” She shook her head

and stabbed the gas pedal. “Angel will be fine. I have some bandages at

home that will fix him right up.”

“I didn’t mean to...”

“I know, but better him than me.” She shivered. “There’d be no

saving me. Remember that the next time you want my blood.”

“Stop pissing me off then.” I chuckled, feeling my tension ease. “I

bet that’s the last time the angel mouths off.”

She laughed. “Somehow I doubt it.”

And damn if she wasn’t right. An hour later, fully restored to his

angelic state, he looked down his nose at me and said, “When was the last

time you showered? You smell like the devil.”

I flexed my fingers on the hilt of the sword I’d pulled from his torso,

and weighed the cost/benefit of shoving it back in.

“Hey, Jace, I have to run to the store for cat food.” Lilith reached

inside her cookie jar, frowned at my I.O.U., but didn’t comment. “Try not to

destroy anything else,” she glanced at the picture of Alex Trebek, “while I’m

gone.”

“Cat food. Good idea. The kid will be hungry when we...” I stopped

myself when Lilith shot me a confused glare. Oh right, food for the evil cat.

“Do not let anyone in and stay out of sight. Samuel’s looking for

you,” she warned.

“I can handle him.”

“Right.” Blowing me a kiss, she left the apartment, slamming the

door in my face.

“Do you want to play Mage?” The angel tapped me on the shoulder.

He held a ten-sided dice in one hand and wore a geeky grin, which reminded

103

me of a high school kid taking his mom to prom.

“Not in this lifetime.” I stepped by him, and dropped into the soft

couch. “Go watch TV or something.”

“The mean one does not have cable,” he whispered as if it was a sin,

and I guess in his world it was.

A knock sounded at the door. The angel and I looked at each other,

and then at the door. I stood and reached for Tyrfing. The angel shuddered,

but for once kept his mouth shut. Maybe Lilith had forgotten her keys. Nope,

I remembered seeing them clutched in her hand.

“Who’s there?” the angel asked in a falsetto when another knock

rattled the wood.

“Your local Avon representative,” a harsh male voice answered.

“We’re having a sale on bath salts.”

I rolled my eyes. How stupid did you have to be—?

Fuck.

The angel pulled open the door before I could stop him. “Do you

have any lavender?” he asked. Throwing my body against the door, I tried to

slam it closed, but a meaty hand slipped through, grabbed my neck, and

tossed me across the room. I landed with a crash, smashing against Lilith’s

white painted bookcase. The Anti-Christ’s Cookbook thunked me on the

head, and Bodhi hissed at me from his perch on Lilith’s bed.

Ignoring the spoiled cat, I blinked at the hulking demon currently

giving the angel a beat down. This was not going to be fun.

I stumbled to my feet, glad to see Tyrfing still in my hand. “Hey.” I

tapped the sword against the floor. “What is it with you demons? Are you all

stupid?”

Braathwaate, the demon of ignorance, glanced up from choking the

angel. He looked like a demon should look; big, dumb, and ugly. Unlike

Lilith, who looked far better naked then the man/beast in front of me.

“Can’t Satan afford pants?” I dragged Tyrfing across the carpet. “I

hope to hell he gives you guys a good health plan.” I reared back, and swung

the sword at the demon’s head. Not surprising, Tyrfing struck true and the

demon’s head rolled from its body and fell to the floor. Pus seeped from the

wound, and onto the white carpet. Lilith was going to be pissed.

“Well that was easy.” I kicked at the demon’s headless body. It

toppled to the ground and shattered into three pieces. Three repulsive, fetid

pieces.

I leaned down, and helped the angel to his feet. “Next time. Don’t

open the door.” A rush of power ran through me. I’d finally defeated one of

Satan’s minions. How was that for tough? “Ummm, Nemamiah,” the angel

called.

Shit. I knew it was too good to be true. I spun around, and stood

facing four hulking, and now a bit shorter demons.

The closest demon growled before grabbing me in a chokehold. Pop.

104

Pop. Pop. My vertebrate snapped in succession. He released me, and I

dropped to the ground. Oddly, the hard floor comforted me somewhat until

the second demon stomped on my ribs like a soccer ball.

Blood shot from my mouth sprinkling Bodhi. Big red globs of snot

covered the growling cat. He jumped on my leg with his claws extended. I

kicked him off, just in time for the third demon’s assault on my vital little

jaces. My nuts headed north, and my stomach followed that direction,

spewing the lining of what used to be my esophagus.

“For God sakes, help me.” I motioned to the angel, who hovered near

the ceiling, out of reach to the dwarfed demons. Dwarfed demons that

roamed around the apartment, knocked over furniture, and made a big mess.

“Will you play Mage with me?” the angel asked, plucking at his

feathers.

Bastard. “Fine.”

“Fine.” He huffed back and waved his hand.

Tyrfing clattered against the floor, and flew into my hand like

something out of a sci-fi movie. The kind of movie with cheesy special

effects and a hero too blinded by the femme fatale’s beauty to realize his

danger until she sucked out his soul.

My fingers tightened on the hilt the sword, and I pulled back to

deliver a deathblow. One of the demons smiled. I shanked his naked, green

ass. Pus boiled from his wound, splattering the walls. Ummm, not good.

The demon split into two more, again shorter demons. They glanced

at one in another and laughed. I gripped Tyrfing tighter and tried again.

Thwack. Suddenly I was faced with eight midget demons.

I quickly did the math, hacking away until the room was covered in

six-centimeter sized fiends, who looked a lot like little green army men, but

shorter.

All part of my plan, I assured myself as they danced around me,

stabbing my feet with their teeny-tiny fingernails. Sharp, pokey, teeny-tiny

nails.

Bodhi jumped from the top of the refrigerator, swatting at a few of

the demons with his own sharp claws. With miniature shrieks, the demons

scattered, which only excited the hungry cat. He choked down a few of the

olive monsters.

I smiled. For once, the cat was helpful. The angel, however, refused

to come down. He floated above me, still annoyed that Avon hadn’t come

calling.

“Ow.” I kicked at a demon biting my ankle. He flipped through the

air, skidded across the floor, and smacked into the oven with a splat, a loud

smacking splat complete with emerald spray.

An invisible light bulb popped above my head. With grim delight, I

lifted my foot and squashed a handful of demons under my boot. They made

a crunching sound much like cockroaches, but then again, roaches didn’t

105

scream, or beg for mercy.

Next thing I knew, I’m dancing around Lilith’s apartment crushing

demons while singing Whistle While You Work. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. A

quick-change step to the right. Smash. Smack. Bang. Double time.

“Nooooo…” a demon screamed as my boot crushed his tiny body.

“Oh yes. That will teach you to fuck with someone a hundred and

seventy-three times your size.” I did a quick mental count. “Lesson learned.”

I stomped down harder until I reduced him to a fly-splattered puddle.

Bodhi tracked down the rest of the runaway demons, most of the

time swallowing them whole. Lilith was right. He was one hungry cat.

When the last of the demons were smited, I scrapped off my boots

over the trash can and glanced around Lilith’s demon-sprayed apartment.

Please let the market be busy, I prayed reaching for a broom and

dustpan. The place was a mess. What wasn’t broken was covered in demon

splatter. From floor to ceiling, the room looked as if it had been hit by a

hurricane, and not the good alcohol-fueled kind.

Keys rattled in the door.

Fuck.

Lilith opened the door, her eyes growing wide as she took in her

newly redecorated living space. Demon Feng Shui.

Bodhi circled Lilith’s long legs before letting out a cry, hacking once,

and spewing demons guts over her shoes. New Prada black leather boots, I

should add.

“Why me?” she whispered to Heaven.

The angel answered, “It is not your place to question Him. I could

smite you for that.”

She growled, “Get out, all of you. I’ve had a bad enough day, and

now I have to spend the next four hours mopping up...” She pointed to the

splattered floor. “What the hell is that stuff?”

“Tiny demons. I’ll clean it up.” I showed her the broom in my hands.

“You go lie down. Take a nap.”

“Nap?” Her right eye twitched.

I glanced at her bed, its sheets covered in crushed demon. “On

second thought, we should go.” I picked up the cat, grabbed the angel’s foot,

and disappeared through the door.

Her screams followed us down the hall.

106

Thirty One

I sucked down two beers while Hades laughed. He laughed so hard

he fell off his barstool and bounced like a yo-yo. Yet laughter continued to

pour from his fleshy lips.

“It’s not that funny.” I rolled my eyes, feeling bad about leaving

Lilith, but I was damn sure if I’d stuck around, she would’ve killed me.

“The greatest succubus in the Universe reduced to a cleaning lady. It

ain’t unfunny.” Hades grabbed his sides to catch his breath. “Worse, she

saved your miserable hide from Samuel and you repay her by wrecking her

place.” He shook his snake infested head. “You are never gonna get laid