HIS (A Billionaire Romance Novel) (18 page)

“Change the future,” I finished for him. “Yeah. I know. But it doesn’t make it better.”

“Not if you don’t let it,” he said. “Sandra… what I did… what I
didn’t
do… that’s going to take a long time for me to forgive. And I’ll work through it, someday. But what happened to you and your sister? That was a lifetime ago. That’s something you’ve paid for time and time again. I can see it in your eyes. Haven’t you punished yourself enough? What would Jenny say?”

“Jenny’s dead,” I said. Even though it had been years, tears sprang to my eyes like I’d lost her just yesterday. “She can’t say anything.”

“But
you
can,” he insisted, standing up from the table and walking to my side. He knelt down on the ground and took both my hands in his, and I gasped audibly. “You can tell yourself you’re forgiven. You can
stop
telling yourself that you’re worthless and to blame. You can tell yourself it’s time to move on and that you’ll never make the same mistakes again. And you can tell yourself that you’ll always be there for young people like Jenny who got lost along the way, and that you’ll use your position in the police department to offer them a way out.”

I looked down at our hands, my vision blurred by my sorrow. This was the first time since I’d known him that Nathaniel Hale took the time to ask me about my past. It was the first time I genuinely believed he was listening to me. Staring at our entwined fingers I just wanted to cry. It was beautiful.

“Doesn’t that seem a hell of a lot more fair to you than spending your whole life as a prisoner of your own guilt? And doesn’t that seem more fair to the lives you could save by doing so?”

I stared into his eyes, into those gold-green gems glittering in the candlelight. I was looking for the lie, for the thing that would tell me he wasn’t sincere. I didn’t believe anybody could know what I did and tell me to forgive myself. I didn’t believe anyone could look at me the way he was looking at me right now and really mean it.

But I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t find anything but honesty and acceptance. This was a man I’d known only as a sexual fling and a childish asshole, but now, looking into his eyes, I felt like we were one and the same. We were both looking for redemption. What if we’d found it in each other?

“You deserve better than this,” he said to me, and I couldn’t help it; I threw my arms around his neck, and without giving myself even a millisecond to reconsider, I kissed him as hard as I could.

Our lips crashed together, but somehow fit as perfectly as they always did. I felt fireworks go off in my chest and stars burst behind my closed eyelids. I felt the heat of his body pressed against mine, the scorching ferocity of his mouth blending with my own, his arms moving around my waist to cradle me, comfort me, make me whole again.

As his strong fingers clutched at my back, I pulled away, trembling violently. I looked again into his hazy, lust-filled eyes. His jaw was clenched as he searched my face, looking very much like a man doing his best to hold his desires back.

“Sandra,” he whispered, “we shouldn’t do this…”

“I know,” I told him, my lips aching for another kiss. But it wouldn’t be right—not like this. Not when I was still assigned to his case and sworn to protect him. I couldn’t do that if I was compromised by my feelings. I’d broken things off with Nathaniel Hale for a good reason, and I had to keep a professional distance no matter what my body was telling me.

I stood up, liberating myself from the circle of his arms and wiping my eyes with the back of my wrist. Every cell in my body screamed for me to return to him, but I couldn’t let my heart overrule my head. I couldn’t put Nathan in potential danger by letting myself get distracted, and after what I’d just done, I couldn’t bear to sit there and take another bite of dinner.

“I’m going to bed,” I murmured, ignoring the longing pulsations between my thighs. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Nathan nodded slowly. I could see his rippling muscles bunch up like he was ready to pin me to that couch and fuck away every bad feeling and thought threatening to destroy me. I could almost feel the weight of him on top of me, pushing me down, sinking into me as he made me his again. I could taste his lips again, or feel the flame of his tongue darting against my own. I could almost feel his flesh beneath my nails.

But no. Not now. Not yet. Not until I knew he was safe.

“Goodnight,” he said, his voice strained as he watched me pull the screen around the couch so I could change into my pajamas.

“Goodnight,” I echoed, slipping under the blanket I’d brought from home. As I listened to the sounds of him cleaning up the table, I tried desperately not to touch myself and drifted off into a restless night’s sleep.

FIVE

Morning
came far too quickly for a girl who’d spent the evening entrenched in nightmares.

I’d been dreaming about Jenny, of course, and my mother, too. I’d dreamt their corpses were in our old living room, stuck with the thousand needles they’d used to keep their demons at bay. They were bloated and bruised, but all smiles, with teeth too bright for dead girls.

And all the while, they kept asking how
I
was, if
I
had made myself a hero yet. And in my dream, all I could do was say, “No, Mom,” and “No, Sis,” like some shameful little girl, and they laughed and laughed and laughed.

Why the hell did you kiss him?
I thought to myself, pondering my own stupidity as I sat up on the smelly couch. I guessed the only good thing about last night was that the department was fighting a budget crisis and probably didn’t have any ears in this room.

“Stupid,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure if I was talking to myself or to the man still entombed in a sea of Egyptian cotton. We’d told Nathan to pack for a week, and he apparently used most of his luggage space to stow away miles of white sheets with an almost impossibly high thread-count. No sleeping like a commoner for that man.

I didn’t need this. I didn’t need any of this. My life was complicated enough without trying to jump back into bed with someone who’d probably cut himself on cheap toilet paper. I’d learned my lesson once, and I didn’t need to be reminded.

Did I want to do it anyway? Yes. Was I going to? Hell no.

The sun was coming up, and he was still sleeping as I began my little ritual. I spent five minutes at each window surveying the ground, taking note of everything worth noting. Cars parked in the lot by make and model, loitering individuals with their general descriptions, places someone could hide… Captain Pierce would expect an update with his morning coffee, and I wanted to be the detective on top of this case, not the woman who spilled her heart out and kissed the star witness.

And there
was
a problem out there. There were at least a dozen men posted about in unusual places. Not police, that much was certain. I could spot an undercover from a mile away, but these men were different. I spotted another one out on a little patch of grass on the edge of the property, his back leaned up against a tree, hands in front of him and his head slowly turning from one side to the other as if searching for something—or someone. A moment later, a pair of men came rounding the block again, walking calmly down the sidewalk. That was the third time they’d passed.

They were ex-military. No question. If I could see twelve of them, there were probably a dozen more being a little less conspicuous. With the entire apartment being too small to allow me a quiet place to make the phone call, I decided the little area that doubled as a living room was probably best. I lifted the phone to my ear.

“Detective, I expected this call ten minutes ago.”

Captain Pierce was being his usual rosy self.

“I have eyes on some men downstairs. At least twelve, well trained. They appear to be holding position around the building.”

“Yes, Sandra. Mr. Hale insisted on private security. We have a few trusted officers posted in the building, but we can’t afford to throw an entire squad at this problem. The world doesn’t stop being a bad place when a rich asshole needs protection. Mr. Hale has invested a small fortune in protecting himself since your little visit to his house,” the Captain replied gruffly.

“And you’re going to tell me these men can be trusted, and that they aren’t potentially compromising this entire operation?” I asked indignantly. How in the world could the Captain be okay with this? Mercenaries were in it for the money, and if there was one thing Mr. Wallace had in abundance, it was money. We were supposed to be running a low-profile operation, not informing every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the tri-state area of our location.

“How’s Mr. Hale holding up?” the Captain asked, changing the subject without answering my question.

“He’s settling in,” I replied, staring over at the lump under the sheets.

“Excellent. Stay put and try not to worry, Candy.”

I cringed, biting my tongue and trying not to give the Captain my what-for. He knew what he was doing. I could practically see the sneer on this face, could practically hear him biting back a chortle in his tone. This was going to be a long day…

“Morning, sweetheart.”

I jumped two feet into the air, smacking my head squarely on the slowly rotating ceiling fan that hung perilously low in the shitty little living room. My head thrummed with pain as it came down into the half-wall, half-counter that separated the efficiency, and my vision dwindled into a tunnel as I hit the floor.

Click… Click… Click…

The sound was aggravating. It wouldn’t stop, just an incessant noise that was keeping me from enjoying this moment of rest. I blinked, staring through hazy eyes at the ceiling, the rotating blades spinning round with a lopsided motion and causing the metal chain that operated the fan to smack against the lighted glass dome.

Click… Click… Click…

“Are you okay?” Nathan asked softly. His face appeared above me, a look of concern painted across it.

The fog was still lifting from my freshly-concussed brain, but already I was identifying things that were wrong with my current situation. For one, I was laying on the dirty-ass floor. For two, my eyes were locked on a rather enormous and exceptionally erect penis. It had been awhile since I’d stopped my little visits to Mr. Hale, and even longer since I’d been with a man. For a brief moment, I considered doing something about that.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” he asked, his balls jiggling as he moved.

“Oh, for God’s sakes, put some clothes on!” I shouted, sitting up and rubbing my head. “Were you…? What the hell were you doing over there?” I said, inadvertently glancing back at his erection.

“I… uh…”

“What, you can’t even make it one day? It’s bad enough I have to share a space with you. You’d think you could at least keep your hand off your dick while I’m around!”

My brain was sorting everything out, the cloud lifting as I stared at this man. It didn’t matter that I was practically drooling—that was probably thanks to the brain injury I’d just experienced. The icing on the cake came as he started to laugh.

“No, you don’t get to laugh at this. I’m in here trying to keep you alive. You don’t call me ‘sweetheart,’ and you don’t scare me like that!”

“I’m sorry. It’s not like you haven’t seen it before…”

“You’re
sorry
? What exactly are you
sorry
about? Are you sorry about last night? Are you sorry about the men outside, or the way you’re risking this whole operation by telling every private security firm in the region where you’re hiding?”

I was fuming now. I could hear my mother’s voice pouring out of my lips as I chastised this entitled asshole.

“I trust those guys. I’ve used them in the past. Besides, do you think the cops your captain posted in this building would stop the Paddies? Maybe you weren’t paying attention last time Wallace went on trial.”

He still made no attempt to cover himself, his cock swinging side to side as he talked, drawing my eyes again and again like the mechanized sweeping of a metronome.

“Trust me,” he whispered, a grin spreading on his face.

He was doing this on purpose. I wrenched my eyes away from his genuinely delicious-looking body and tried to calm my breathing. “Clothes on. Now. No more secrets from here on out. If you intend to do anything to change the nature of our living arrangement or our security, you need to inform me immediately. And… no doing
that
,” I said, waving at the God-given gift between his thighs.

“I thought we were only supposed to be pretending? You’re starting to sound like a nagging wife,” Nathan laughed. I hissed, hackles rising as I realized the only way he’d take any of this seriously was if the threat to his livelihood seemed real.

I stood up, crossing the space and wrapping a hand around his most sensitive exposed parts.

“Let me make this perfectly clear, Nathan,” I said, clamping down harder and listening to him yelp. “In here, you’re going to do what I say, or I’m going to throw you to the wolves. Now, put your pants on.”

I released him, turning away and trying desperately to ignore the burning desire inside me. I’d just touched his cock, and even though I’d meant every word of my threat, all I could think about was how the smooth, supple skin of his dick had felt so right in my grasp. The pleasurable pulsations kissing him had inspired in me last night returned with a vengeance, and I grimaced, trying my best to once again ignore them.

What the hell is wrong with you, Sandra? Don’t let this man affect you like this. Hold it together…

I didn’t have a chance to revel in my little show of force. Nathan’s hands swept up behind me, grasping at my wrists and lifting them, throwing my hands against the wall as he pressed against me from behind. I could feel the heat of his dick against my ass and his breath catching just behind my ear.

“Jesus Christ, Sandra. Do you even understand what you do to me?” he whispered, holding my wrists tighter as my palms pressed against the cool wood paneling. His breath swept through the hairs at my nape, sending goosebumps over every inch of my skin. “Women fall over themselves to be with me. Bag the rich guy—that’s the game, isn’t it? They play pretend. They want something. All of them want something. You were always different. You never asked me for anything...”

“I only wanted you.”

“Then why the fuck did you break it off with me?” Nathan said, straining against me.

“Because you were too self-obsessed to give yourself to anyone. All we had was sex and lies. I hated your immaturity. I hated everything about you,” I said, my body practically purring with excitement.

He released my wrists, but I kept my palms firmly planted against the wall, rocking my hips ever so slightly against him and gasping as his fingertips brushed slowly down my sides. He paused at the edge of my breasts, feeling them through the thin t-shirt I’d slept in, teasing the rounded edges before moving on to my hips.

“I’m not that man anymore, Sandra,” he said huskily, his voice strained as he pressed his fingertips into the soft spots at the front of my hips. I could feel the slight tremor of his touch—he was so close to losing control. He pressed harder, and I knew there would be bruises in the shape of his fingers by the afternoon.

I didn’t care. In fact, I realized, I
wanted
them. I wanted to look into the mirror later and see the remnants of when Nathaniel Hale’s lust had gotten the better of him—and of me. Every time I looked at my hips for the next few days, I wanted to shiver at the reminder of all the dirty, filthy things this man had done to me.

I moaned as he pressed his lips into my neck, gliding them over my flesh. He left scorching trails wherever he went, like he was setting fire to my very being with only the power of his caress. I could feel my pussy pulsing with want—no, with
need.

I wanted to hate-fuck Nathaniel Hale into oblivion, and maybe even beyond.

I wanted to take out all my frustrations on this spoiled brat. I wanted to make
him
want for something, for once, something I’d deny him until he was begging and pleading and broken beneath me. But as much as I wanted that, I wanted him to take me, too, to show me what I’d been missing since the day I left him high and dry in his fancy little castle on the hill.

“You always been so fucking beautiful,” he whispered, biting ever so softly on the slender expanse of muscle between my shoulder and neck. I sucked in a breath through my teeth, my knees trembling as he blew warm air over his teeth marks. “I can’t control myself around you, not since that first time,” he added breathily, his hands forcing my loose flannel bottoms down over my hips, the pants pooling around my ankles as my skin tingled in the cool air.