Highland Secrets (English Edition) (19 page)

I collapsed
on my sofa exhausted. The pair of scissors I had used to cut the sticky tape on the parcel were still on the table. In my mind, I kicked the scissors off of the table in rage, but in reality I was too tired to do that.

The light on my answering machine was flashing, but I ignored that too. I
curled up onto my
side and cried myself to sleep.

I arranged to meet my grandmother for a coffee to stop myself from thinking about Adam all the time. She had left a number of upset messages for me on my answering machine. This woman was rarely agitated, so I rang her in the morning only to find out that I had become a headline in the news. One of the headlines mentioned the word sex videos. I was just happy that although my face had been shown, my name hadn’t been mentioned. But at least now I knew what had made my only living relative all emotional. I was an embarrassment to her.

The positive thing about it
all was that, even without having to seek out my therapist, I didn’t care what Alice thought and whether she believed that I alone was at fault. However, I still felt like I needed to talk to somebody. And she was the only person who came to mind, so I now let her come to visit me at the apartment for the first time in the two years I had been living there.

I looked around my small apartment discontentedly. It didn’t look particularly clean. I hadn’t really
had enough time to tidy it up over the last few days. Why was that?, I thought sarcastically. At least I put the dishes in the dishwasher and tidied up the living room table a little. My suitcases still remained unopened on the floor, so I carried them up to my bedroom and put them down in front of my wardrobe. I had only just finished doing this when the doorbell rang. I went to the door, opened it and then I could only stare at my grandmother speechless as she pulled me into her arms and didn’t let me go for several minutes.

“I’m just so happy that you’re alright”, she said with tears in her
eyes which almost sent me into shock again. What had happened to this woman? I had gone through some difficult times since I had lived with her and she had never been there for me. I could have been suffering and she always acted as if she hadn’t noticed.

I frowned in bewilderment and I didn
’t really know how to deal with so much unexpected warmth from her. “Come on in”, I said and pointed to my tiny living room. She sniffed and wiped her face clean with a cotton handkerchief.

She tried not to moan at the sight of my badly run household or to get upset in any other way, I had to give her credit for that because I knew that it took a lot of effort on her part. She sat down
carefully and I went into the kitchen stunned to get the coffee.

We sat for a while in silence with neither of us daring to look at each other. Then she said: “How are you?”

“Very good”, I said. “Especially now that I’m a porn star.”

She snorted derisively and was shaking as she put her cup down on the low table. “I know that our relationship was never the best. And I also know that that’s my fault.”

“I wouldn’t have said it so directly, but yes.”

She smiled wistfully and
her eyes displayed a hint of sadness, which did actually make me feel sorry for her. She looked older now than she did when we last met. Now, I also noticed that the grey bun in her hair wasn’t as perfect today as it usually was. She appeared to have just tied up her hair half-heartedly. She put her hands in her lap and removed a few bits of invisible fluff from her black skirt.

“I’
m sorry. I know I wasn’t a good replacement for your mother. Most of the time I just ignored you or tried to drive you on to achieve more and more.” She sighed and I waited uncertain about what was actually happening here. “Your mother would probably have been disappointed in me, but I found it difficult to look at you every day. You not only look like her, you also move like her and you even talk like her. I know I should have loved you exactly like I loved her.”

“You don’t have to say anymore. I know why you were so distant towards me”, I said in amazement and also in relief at the fact that she was suddenly opening up to me. My fingers were shaking as I lay them on her hand and stroked her
gently. Tears were welling up in both of our eyes as we looked at each other.

“I’ve always loved you.
Almost losing you has finally made me realize that”, she said hoarsely. “When I saw you in the news, the train accident and all the suffering came back to me. I felt like all that was going to happen again. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you’re alright. Can you forgive a stupid old woman?”

I was
shocked. I had expected accusations and even more rejection, but not this. This turnaround was completely unexpected for me. I held my grandmother in my arms and was amazed about the warmth I felt inside me. “Thank you”, I said to her. “I really needed that.”

After we had cried together for several more min
utes and Alice had continued to reaffirm how much she regretted her behavior and tell me how proud of me she had always been, I decided it was time to tell her what had happened.

I left the minor details about Adam out and she seemed to notice that I was doing this because I still hadn’t got over Adam, so she didn’t ask any questions.
I tried to describe everything else as well as I could and while I did this I didn’t put up the emotional wall I had always used at all. I found it painful to go through everything that had happened to me again, but it felt liberating to share it with somebody who listened carefully, offered words of comfort and didn’t sit next to me with a grim and dismissive expression on their face. This is exactly what I had wanted from Adam, but maybe Adam had been too close to everything that had happened to be a good listener. I hoped for him that he didn’t bottle everything up, but instead found a way to deal with it.

Over the next few weeks, I had a number of appointments with my therapist. At first, I constantly felt like I was being followed. Everywhere I went, I felt like I was being watched. I constantly had to turn around and convince myself that neither Alfred nor Molly were there. This feeling started to disappear over time and eventually I was even able to fall asleep in my apartment again without having the light on all the time. My grandmother had invited me to stay with her for a while, but I felt it would be better to try to get used to being alone from the start.

A feeling that didn’t disappear was my desire
for Adam, even if I still desperately tried to not think about him. The memories of his kisses came flooding back to me and left me with butterflies in my stomach or made my panties wet as if by magic. I missed him and repeatedly wished each day that he would appear and pull me into his strong arms.

This desire was then followed by the anger I felt
at him because he hadn’t contacted me at all. Not even to find out how I was. However, I was now sure that he had told the truth when he said that he had lied to Molly about his feelings for me. If he had really felt something for me, then he would have asked about me. Maybe it was better this way. It would help me to move on from him quicker.

My relationship with my grandmother had improved considerably since our conversation. We arranged to meet up regularly to go shopping or
to go to a café. It was nice to have somebody who I could talk to about anything. I eventually told her everything about Adam and she confessed to being curious about the man who managed to get me to come out of my shell. I got the feeling that our conversations also did her good.

One month after the events on the Isle of Skye,
I started my new job. It no longer bothered me that the museum was just a small and insignificant one. My work colleagues were all very friendly and there was a collegial atmosphere. You couldn’t have wished for a more relaxed workplace. I made my way to the museum again this morning. The new exhibition on “The portrayal of angels evolving through centuries” was very popular among the visitors because the paintings were so diverse.

“Good morning
, my little angel”, Tom greeted me with a smirk on his face from ear to ear. Little angel was his new nickname for me because he thought that I looked like a red-headed angel on a painting by Melozzo da Forli. I couldn’t see the similarity myself.

“Good morning, Tom. Is today another washing day?” Every
Wednesday, Tom brought his dirty washing to give to his mother. He called it his Wednesday appointment.

“Yes, unless you want to do my washing for me. I would have no objection to moving in with you.”

I laughed and declined. “My apartment is still far too small.” That was the excuse I always gave him. “And as you know, there are far too many men in your flat share.” Tom lived with three young men in a large apartment.

“Oh, my little angel”,
he called after me as I scurried past the ladder he was just standing on to change a bulb in one of the emergency output signals. “My offer still stands. You and I in a bath with a glass of chilled champagne.”

“I’ll get back to you”
, I said and went straight into the warehouse of the museum. I had my own small compartment out the back. I was currently working on an old fresco that displayed the portrait of a young man. The picture had been donated to the museum. Somebody had found it in the attic of an old house. The artist was unknown. Perhaps it was even a self portrait. It must have dated back to the fifteenth century. I immediately started working. This allowed me to relax and even Adam’s hot kisses couldn’t distract me.

“
Hey, did you forget our lunch arrangement?” I was startled as Tom appeared behind me. I looked up at the clock taken aback. Hadn’t I only just got here? Had three hours actually passed?

“I’m sorry”, I said with an apologetic smile. “I completely lost track of time.”

“I noticed that.” Tom hooked my arm around his and dragged me out the museum. “I should actually be offended. I never forget our meals together. That probably means that it’s more important to me than it is to you.” Tom winked at me and held the door to the bistro opposite the museum open for me.

We sat down at a table for two. To be precise, we sat at this table next to the window
with a view of the museum entrance every day. Tom brushed his dark hair back and looked at me affectionately with his green eyes. I sighed inside. I had longed for a warm and heartfelt gaze like this from Adam. But that was now all in the past, I reminded myself. More than a month had now passed since he had driven me back to London and disappeared out of my life. Perhaps it was time to look forward? If I wanted to forget about Adam, I should focus on somebody else. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. The Linda that came back to an empty home every evening and only focused on her career was long gone. I had almost died in Scotland and that had happened without me really having lived. And going out with Adam had made me feel good. I had felt liberated that evening.

I looked at Tom. He was attractive and warm-hearted, always happy and I liked him. I should give him a
chance, I thought and bit my lower lip.

“So you’re not going to eat your salad today?
”, enquired Tom and he looked at me with a raised eyebrow and with a grin on his face. “I don’t feel like it. It doesn’t have to be thrown away.”

I blinked and looked at my
plate which remained untouched, while Tom had already polished off his burger and chips. “Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts.”

“
Which man can’t you get out of your mind? Tell me and I’ll throw him in the Thames”, he said jokingly.

I gave him
a flirtatious smile, put my fork in my mouth and mumbled: “You.”

“Me? How did I manage to do that
? I’ve being trying to get your attention for weeks.

I chewed and meanwhile plucked up all my courage. I had never asked a man for a date before. “We could go to the cinema sometime. What do you think?”

Tom opened his mouth “Are you serious? You really want to go out with me?”

I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to, but I hoped that an
other man would help me take my mind off of Adam. I was still thinking far too often about the man who looked so unbelievably hot in a kilt and in jeans and made me drool every time I looked at him in this way. Adam had disappointed and abandoned me.

“Yes
, let’s do something.” This yes somehow made me feel good. It was as if I had said to Adam: “See, I can also be happy without you.”

Tom gave me a lift home every day after work in his Skoda. He had offered to take me home on my first day at work because he lived just do
wn the road from me and so I didn’t have to take the bus.

“Then we’ll meet Saturday?
”, he ascertained again. “I still can’t believe that you finally said yes after all those times I’ve hit on you.”

I looked out of the side window
embarrassed. “Saturday, exactly.”

Tom
turned into my street. A Porsche was parked in front of my house in a no-parking zone. I blinked in disbelief, I recognized this car. My heartbeat started to accelerate and my stomach did somersaults as Tom stopped behind the car and I got out hesitantly.

“Saturday”, said Tom again. He would probably repeat that constantly over the next few days. If I hadn’t been so nervous, I may have even found it sweet. But I was only able to think about the Porsche, which is why I just nodded, reached out for my handbag on the backseat and closed the car door. I remained standing on the pavement until Tom’s Skoda was out of sight. I then
turned towards the good-looking, dark-haired man stood at the front door of the house where I lived.