Speaking of faces, Ryan’s itched like mad. The doctor had said it would, but she was not to scratch because it could cause an infection. Why did her body tell her to if it was bad for her?
She pulled a compact mirror from her purse. The right side of her upper lip stuck out, giving her a permanent snarl. It felt lumpy. The doctor said that was scar tissue. She couldn’t imagine how he was going to be able to fix her face. The abrasions on her cheeks no longer oozed, but the circular pattern made her look as though she’d been attacked by a sander. The scabs on her forehead itched the most. She rubbed them, just enough to relieve some of the itching. But it felt so good, she couldn’t stop. She rubbed harder—across her forehead and down her cheeks. Scabs fell away.
Ah, sweet relief. And blood. Crap.
“Mackenzie, hand me a napkin out of the glove box.”
Mackenzie turned toward her as she held out the napkin. “Your face!”
Ryan dabbed at her face. Okay, it was bleeding more than she thought.
Mackenzie handed her another napkin. “What happened?”
“I scratched.” It wasn’t like she was bleeding to death or anything. But pretty much her whole face bled.
Kelsey looked at her through the rearview. “Ryan, you weren’t supposed to scratch.”
“Well, I did. Just get me to Mom.”
By the time they pulled into the feed store’s parking lot, Ryan had gone through several napkins. Most of the bleeding had stopped, but her face had blood all over it.
The mostly full parking lot sent panic through Ryan. “Pull around to the back. I’m not going to walk through the front door.” Kelsey parked close to the loading dock, and Ryan practically sprinted from the truck to the store.
Her dad was at the dock loading sacks of shavings into the back of a pickup truck. When he saw her, he stopped with a sack poised for the next toss. “Ryan, what happened?”
“I need Mom.”
He released the sack and followed her to the makeshift kitchen in the back of the store. “You sit at the table. I’ll get her.”
Mackenzie sprinted past them to the front of the store. “I’ll get her.”
Her dad wetted a paper towel and handed it to her. “Here. This should help.”
She pressed it to her face. It felt cool against her skin and relieved some of the itching.
Her mom rushed toward the kitchen table. When Ryan removed the paper towel from her face, her mom sighed. “You scratched.”
“I couldn’t help it. Is it bad?”
Her mom inspected her face. “Well, the bleeding has mostly stopped. We’d better goo you up.” She moved to the sink and washed her hands. “Why didn’t you take the antihistamine he gave you?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t mean to scratch it like that.” She tilted her face so her mom could apply the antibiotic gel the doctor had prescribed. “Did I just make it scar worse?”
“I don’t know. You did a pretty good job of pulling those scabs off.”
Ryan’s phone rang. She pulled away from her mom to answer it. It was Justin.
“Hey. I got out of practice early. I’m heading over to the hospital now.”
“How’s your mom?” She turned her back on her mother.
“Still in a coma, on a ventilator.” His voice cracked and Ryan’s heart squeezed a little in her chest.
“I’m so sorry.” She cringed. Those words were so inadequate.
“I’m sorry about today. People are stupid. “
“Yeah.” She tried to think of something else to say to fill the awkward silence between them.
He sighed deeply and seconds ticked by before he spoke again. “Well, hey, I’d better go.”
She nodded as if he could see her. “If there’s anything…”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
She tapped End.
Her mom inspected her face. “Everything okay?”
“Did you hear about Justin’s mom?”
Her mom placed the cap on the tube of ointment. “Mrs. Miller told us that she took pills. How is she?”
“Bad. She’s on a ventilator. I can’t imagine what Justin is going through. I feel so helpless.”
Ryan watched emotions play across her mom’s face—anger, sympathy, frustration? “It’s so irresponsible.”
“What?”
“She has a child.” She put her hand up as if to stop Ryan from speaking. “I know she’s ill. I just don’t get how you do that when you have a kid. That’s a burden no kid should have to shoulder.”
Ryan didn’t get it either, but right now her concern was Justin. “Mom, what do I say to him?”
“All you can say is that you’re sorry it happened.”
“It sounds so insufficient.”
Her mom stood. “It does. But there is nothing else you can say.” She stuffed the tube of medicine in her purse. “Justin is dealing with issues that are way bigger than you need to be involved in.”
Ryan’s stomach tightened. “What does that mean?” She had a feeling she knew where this was going, and she didn’t like it.
“I don’t think you should get yourself too involved with this boy. He’s still grieving for his sister and now this. He already has anger issues—I just think he needs a wide berth.”
“Anger issues? You sound like Kelsey. He doesn’t have anger issues. He’s one of the kindest, gentlest people I know. He’s my friend. My
only
friend.”
“I’m not saying you can’t be friends at school. Just be careful—he’s got some heavy stuff to deal with.” Her mom started toward the front of the store and Ryan followed.
“
I
have heavy stuff to deal with. Look at what’s left of my face.”
Her mom spoke over her shoulder. “Your face is beautiful. It’s going to heal just fine.”
“Mom, look at me.” She waited for her mom to turn toward her. “It’s a mess. It’s gross. The ointment makes it look worse. Talk about a wide berth—even my teachers don’t want to look at me.”
Kelsey appeared from the short hall leading from the store to the back room. “And then there’s the profanity written on her locker.”
“Shut up, Kelsey.”
Too late. Worry had already settled on her mom’s face. “What?”
“It’s not a big deal.” Ryan shot Kelsey on of those help-me-out-here looks but her sister kept talking.
Her mom covered her mouth with her hand and tears came to her eyes.
Ryan looked at Kelsey. “You have a big mouth.” To her mom she said, “It’s just somebody trying to get attention. It doesn’t matter.”
“Did you report it to the principal?”
“No. It just doesn’t matter. If I make a big deal out of it, they get what they want. Whoever is doing it can waste all of their lipstick on my locker for all I care.”
Her mom folded her arms across her chest and tightened her jaw. “It does matter. You should report this.”
“Mom, I went through this in Chicago. Believe me, it will make things worse. Just let me handle it. It’ll go away.” She glared at Kelsey. “Why did you say anything?”
“Because she needs to know.” Kelsey looked at her mom. “That’s not all.”
“Don’t.” Ryan wanted to plaster duct tape over her sister’s mouth. “Please, Kelsey, don’t go there.”
Of course Kelsey ignored Ryan’s plea. “She and Justin are the rumor
du jour
.”
Heat filled Ryan’s face and her muscles tensed all the way to her toes. “You are such a bitch.” She spat the words at Kelsey and stalked to the front of the store.
Kelsey called after her. “Wait, Ryan.”
She braced for her sister to come after her until she heard her mom say, “Give her some space.”
Thank God.
Mackenzie stood at the register preparing to check someone out. Ryan sidled in next to her. “I’ve got this.”
“Thanks.”
Ryan knew her little sister hated waiting on people. She’d rather unload bags of feed than actually have to talk to people. But she’d stepped up to the plate since Ryan’s face looked so bad. Ryan no longer cared whether customers stared at her. They could freaking gawk for all she cared—it was better than having to be around Kelsey.
She checked out the customer and moved to straighten the clothes racks. The bell jingled as new customers entered the store. She looked up and her heart stopped.
How dare they come in here?
She wasn’t sure if she wanted to retreat to the back room or tackle the girl standing next to her father. But in the end, it didn’t matter what she wanted to do, because her feet were not moving. She was frozen. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but stare at the girl. It was like her senses had clicked off.
Jessica Stern stood less than ten feet away. She was practically glued to her dad’s side, but her gaze was fixed on Ryan.
Ryan was vaguely aware that her own father had entered the room. She saw him walk up to Mr. Stern and heard him speak, but couldn’t make out the words. Her body was on fire, her pulse pounded in her head, and she was totally helpless to stop it.
Jessica walked toward her, while Ryan watched through eyes that seemed to no longer belong to her. “Your face. Ryan, I’m so sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Ryan felt her dad’s hands on her shoulders and slowly, her senses kicked back in. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“I tried to stop it. I didn’t know it would get so out of hand.” Tears dripped from Jessica’s eyes.
Ryan nodded. “I remember you telling Macey to stop. Once.” She folded her arms across her chest. “My question is, why did you let it start?”
Jessica opened and closed her mouth, but didn’t say anything.
Ryan’s dad gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze before releasing her. “Was there something you needed, Bill?”
Mr. Stern shook his head. “This thing has been tearing Jessica up. She’s not allowed at school, so I figured I’d bring her here. The girls need to make peace.”
Jessica found her voice and said to Ryan, “Can you forgive me?”
She fixed a nonchalant expression on her face. “I can forgive you. The question is, will you be able to forgive yourself? Think of my face every time you’re tempted.”
Mr. Stern took a step toward Ryan. “Now, that was just uncalled for. Jessica is real sorry.”
Ryan’s dad stepped forward too. “You can leave now.”
Mr. Stern put a hand on his daughter’s shoulder. “Come on. You done your best.”
Ryan didn’t breathe normally until the door had closed behind them. “Well, that just about caps the crappy day I’ve had.”
“Justin?” He opened his eyes and stared at the florescent lights above him. It took him a few seconds to return to the horror of his life. His dad stood above him dressed in navy-blue scrubs. Dark circles hung beneath his eyes. “Hey. Why don’t you go home? It’s nearly eight.”
He leaned forward and the waiting room recliner popped to chair position. “Man, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. How is she?”
His dad attempted a smile, but it was overshadowed by the sadness in his eyes. “She’s tracking movement with her eyes and she’s over-breathing the vent.”
“English?” Justin rubbed his eyes and stood.
“Sorry. She’s breathing on her own more than the vent. They’ll probably remove it tomorrow.”
Relief rushed through Justin, causing his knees to buckle. His dad caught him under the arms. “Whoa. When was the last time you had something to eat?” He eased him back to the chair.
What, you’re worrying about that stuff now?
“Does that mean she’s going to be okay?”
“Physically, yes.” He sat in a chair across from Justin and rested his forearms on his knees. Sadness rippled across his face as he sucked in his breath. His head dropped and his shoulders shook. Tears dripped from his eyes and down his face. “I’m sorry.”
Justin’s heart raced. “Dad. What do you mean
physically?
Is she brain damaged? Dad?”
His dad shook his head and wiped his eyes with his hands. “No, not that we can see. She’ll go to a psychiatric hospital for a few days.”
Justin let out a long sigh. “You scared the crap out of me.”
“I tried to get her help. The more I insisted, the more she refused.” He got that
I’m about to cry
look again and took a deep breath. “I admit I gave up. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to feel better. I shouldn’t have given up.”
Seeing his dad so vulnerable eased some of the anger Justin had been harboring. “She told me she was afraid she’d forget. It was like she felt that if she moved on, she’d be betraying Chelsea.”
His dad sat up and cleared his throat. “Justin, we’re all going to counseling. We should have done it two years ago.”
Justin stood. “I don’t need some shrink to tell me what to think.”
His dad stood too. “First, they don’t tell you what to think. More important, we’re doing it for Mom. It’s going to be part of her recovery. Will you do it for her?”
The teary-eye-chin-quiver feeling surged in Justin, but he managed to stuff it down. He nodded and said, “I’ll go for her. But if they try to pull their shrink crap on me, I’m out of there.”
His dad gave a weak smile. “We all need shrink crap.”
“I’m fine, Dad. I’ve dealt with it. I’ve taken care of Mom, myself, the house. I’ve pretty much been the adult around the place.”
“I think you’ll be surprised if you just open yourself up to it.”
Justin struggled to keep the growing frustration under control. He’d go for his mom and that would be enough. While his parents ran from the reality, he’d grieved his sister. It was time to move forward with his life. He gave a heavy sigh. He was too freaking tired to argue. “Can we see Mom now?”
The glass door to her room was open and from the hall, Justin could hear the soft swooshing of the breathing machine. He and his dad walked to opposite sides of the bed. The TV that hung above the door blared some talk show, but his mom seemed asleep. “Do they think she wants to watch TV?”
“They’re stimulating her brain. We don’t want to make it too cozy to stay asleep. Talk to her.”
“Mom?” She opened her eyes and reached toward him. He took her hand in his and she squeezed. He squeezed back. “Dad’s here too.”
Her brow wrinkled and Justin pointed. She turned her head toward his dad and tears filled her eyes. His dad wrapped his fingers around her other hand. “Sandy, we’re here.”
She pulled her hand from his dad’s and pointed to the tube that had been crammed down her throat and was now anchored to her mouth. His dad eased her hand away from the tube. “Sorry, sweetie. That has to stay a little longer.”
An ancient nurse pushed a computer on wheels into the room. The bold letters on her badge said her name was Dorothy. She scanned the bracelet on his mom’s wrist and the code on a bag of IV fluid. “Hi, Alan. She’s doing much better today. We’re just waiting on an order to extubate her.” She switched an almost empty bag of fluid for the new one and backed out with the computer cart.
Justin gave his dad a questioning look.
“Take her off the ventilator. She’s breathing on her own.”
Justin squeezed his mom’s hand and looked into her eyes. “Did you hear that? You’re breathing on your own.”
His mom kept her gaze on him. Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes.
His dad brushed them away and cupped her cheek with his hand. “Sandy, we’re going to get better. We’re going to make this work.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead.
Justin couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his dad show that much affection to his mom. So maybe he was serious about them becoming a family again.
Dorothy came back in, smiling. “Good news. I just spoke to Dr. Shulkin and we’re going to DC the vent. If ya’ll will go to the waiting room, I’ll come get you when we’re done.”
Justin followed his dad to the waiting room and sat in a chair across from him. The atmosphere was awkward, as if they were both trying to think of something to say.
“I thought you were pulling a double?” That was the best Justin could come up with.
“No. I found someone to cover it.” His dad looked around the waiting room, rubbed the back of his neck, crossed his legs, uncrossed them, and finally stood. “How’s football?”
“Good. Coach let me leave practice early today.”
“Are you playing Friday?”
“Yeah.”
His dad sat again and leaned back in the chair. “I’m off Friday. I thought I’d come to the game.”
“That’d be cool.” He refused to acknowledge the excitement fluttering in his chest. Dad always intended to come to a game, but got called in to work. Last year he’d made it to exactly zero games.
“I’m making some changes at work.”
“Yeah?”
Why is he telling me this? I don’t really care about hospital politics.
“I’m not going to take more than my required call time, and I’m not going to sign up for extra shifts. It’ll be less money, but we can handle it. It’s time I lived my life outside the hospital.”
Justin nodded. He should say something, but figured
Yay, you’re going to be a dad
wasn’t appropriate.
The double doors leading to the ICU swung open and Dorothy waved them back. She walked between them and said, “She did great.”
Justin’s heart soared when he saw his mom sitting up in bed eating ice chips. When she saw them, she set the pink plastic cup on the over-bed table and reached toward them with both arms. Justin hugged her first.
She held him tight. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so ashamed to have put you through this.”
“It’s okay, Mom. We’re going to be okay.” He gave her an extra squeeze before releasing her. He straightened and his dad swooped in for his turn.
He cupped her face in his hands and placed a kiss on her lips, and then pressed his face next to hers and cried.
It was weird to see his dad like this. He was always so in control—so detached from his emotions. To see his parents hugging and crying bordered on surreal. Tears fell from Justin’s eyes too, and he prayed that all these feelings, hopes, and promises would last.
After the hugging and crying, a
what next
feeling invaded the room. It probably only lasted a few seconds, but to Justin it felt like they shifted gazes from one to another for hours.
His dad finally broke the silence. “Sandy, it’ll be a while before you get to come home.”
His mom pressed her lips together and nodded. Tears dripped down her cheeks.
Justin leaned close. “It’s okay, Mom.” He wanted to tell her how good it was that she was going to get help for her depression, but he wasn’t sure how much she knew or needed to know just yet. He had to follow his dad’s lead on this one.
“I’m making some changes too.” Dad laced his fingers with his wife’s. “I’m going to be home more. We’re all going to family therapy.” He kissed her hand and held it against his cheek.
“I guess they’re going to send me to a psych hospital.” She let out a deep sigh. “It’s okay. I have to find a way to feel better—because if I don’t, I don’t want to be here.”
Pain squeezed Justin’s heart. “Mom, don’t say that. I need you.”
Her gaze met his and she reached toward him. “I’m going to work hard to get better. I promise.”
Nurse Dorothy toddled back into the room. “Visiting hours are over, but I’ll let you stay a few more minutes.”
“Thanks.” Justin’s dad gave a half smile.
Justin looked at his dad. “I hate these visiting hours. Fifteen minutes every hour? It’s ridiculous.”
“It’s so patients can rest.” His mom gave him a weak smile. “They’ll probably move me to a room tomorrow, and then you can stay as long as you like.” She shifted her gaze to Justin’s dad. “Y’all go home and get some rest. I’m tired anyway.”
He kissed her and said, “I’ll be back early in the morning. Call me for any reason.” He straightened and took in a shaky breath. “I love you, Sandy.”
As they said their good-byes and left the hospital, weariness filled Justin. He wanted so bad to believe they were on the road to being a family, but couldn’t see how what had happened would erase the years of dysfunction.
Justin pulled into the drive behind his dad and his chest tightened. The image of the paramedics wheeling his mom to the ambulance was burned into his mind. He dragged in a deep breath and pushed it away.
His heart thudded in his chest as he entered the house. He didn’t want to see the pills and alcohol that were in the kitchen. Sweat prickled his forehead and he couldn’t catch his breath. His dad grabbed him around the waist and guided him to the kitchen table.
“Breathe into your hands. You’re okay.”
Justin cupped his hands around his nose and mouth and concentrated on slowing his breaths.
His dad sat across from him. “You’ve been through a lot in the past twenty-four hours. How much sleep have you had?”
Justin dropped his hands and took a deep breath. “A few hours here and there. You?”
“Not enough for either of us.” His stomach let out a loud, angry growl. “I’m going to order a couple of pizzas.”
Justin nodded and shifted his gaze to the eating bar. The vodka and the pill bottle were gone.
His dad saw it. “I cleaned up this morning—Chelsea’s room too.”
“Thanks.” Justin moved to the sofa in the den, clicked on the TV, and let his mind drift to the hug in the nurse’s office. He wished he’d kissed Ryan, but he hadn’t wanted to hurt that beautiful mouth. Every day her face healed a little more. It was just a matter of time until he got that kiss.
*
When Justin walked into Shop, he felt all eyes on him.
This is going to be a long effing day.
Thank God Ryan was already there. Her smile made him care a little less that the whole freaking school knew he had a screwed-up family. He gave her a half-hug before taking his seat.
She moved to sit next to him. “How’s things?”
“Better. Mom is breathing on her own.” He tried to make his tone sound positive, but it came out sort of flat.
“So she’ll be coming home soon. That’s good.”
“Not exactly home. She has to go to a psych hospital for a while.” He waited to see which look would settle on her face. Horror? Pity? Not pity—he hated that one the most. She skipped right past those expressions and did the unthinkable. She placed her hand on his forearm, looked into his eyes with her sparkly blues, and said, “How are you?”
It was bad enough that the spot beneath her hand radiated little tingles throughout his body, but her gaze sucked him in. He wanted to cup her face and kiss the crap out of her. His hand was on its way to her cheek when he remembered they were in class
.
He leaned back and said, “Better. Finally got some sleep. How about you?”
“Me? Well, nobody walked up and said,
‘Hey, I heard you got caught with Justin in the nurse’s office
.’”
“The rumor was ridiculous. Anybody with half a brain would know it was a bunch of crap.” She nodded, but the wariness in her eyes told him she wasn’t convinced. “Ryan, I promise you, I will keep that rumor from affecting you. I’ll make it go away.”
She smiled, but the corners of her eyes drooped just a bit. “The thing is, you can’t take words away. You can’t make people unhear them. But it wasn’t your fault any more than it was mine. It was just some stupid girl.”
The conversation they’d had in the car two nights ago came rushing back to him.
Some girls don’t know they can say no.
He couldn’t tell her that he’d done nothing to stop the rumor that had spread about him and Brittney last year. If anybody had a reason, it was Brittney Boyd . “It wasn’t you. You just got in the way of somebody getting back at me.” The thing he didn’t get was, why now? They’d moved on since their one date last spring.
“Jesus, what did you do?”
“Let’s just say it was the date from hell.” He hoped that would be enough. He didn’t want to think about that night. He’d been that nightmare date that Ryan had talked about. All hands, no brains. Shit. He was an ass. He wasn’t worthy of Ryan Quinn.
Thank God she let it drop. He looked into her eyes and thought about that future kiss. “Your face looks better.”
She let out an almost laugh. “Do you realize how awful that sounds out of context?”
Heat flushed through him. “You’re beautiful even with the scratches.”
She smiled and it made him feel warm inside. He wished he could grab Ryan’s hand and escape to a place where the two of them could be alone. Not rumor-producing alone, just spending time together alone. The bell rang and Ryan moved back to her table.
Ryan had a doctor’s appointment, so he went the rest of the day without seeing her. He made it through football practice and drove to the hospital.
He arrived at the ICU at the beginning of the fifteen-minute visiting time. He tapped the metal plate on the side of the wall and passed through the doors when they swung open. As he neared his mother’s room, his heart pounded a slow cadence in his chest. His feet turned to lead as he trudged closer to the door of the glass-walled room. The curtain was closed across the glass, but the room was lit up like a late-night construction site. He heard the familiar whooshing of the ventilator and the beeping of the heart monitor. A nurse quick-stepped into the room carrying an IV bag and a couple of syringes. He heard orders being given and repeated. Tension emanated from the room.