Here With Me (4 page)

“I did. I also chose my field, but I didn’t choose to be gone so long or miss the birth of my son. Those weren’t choices I made. They were done for me. I’m not choosing to sit here, but I’m here for Ryley and I’ll do anything for her.” I have to look away. I don’t want her to see the pain and anger in my eyes. For years, I’ve fought to get back here and each and every time we thought we were close. Each and every time we thought a unit would be waiting for us. They weren’t.

“Do you have trust issues, Evan?”

“Yes and no,” I mumble.

“Care to expand?”

Not really, but I know I have to. “I shouldn’t trust the Navy, but I do. I don’t know what to think and Nate’s on a mission, so it’s not like I can sit down and ask him.” I shrug. “I’m not even sure he’ll tell me the truth. He took my girl when he was supposed to be keeping me alive in her heart. It’s the Navy that has protected me for years, yet kept me away from my life. They kept me alive so I could return home, but part of me wonders why it took so long and how much Nate really knew.”

“Why do you think Nate’s lying?”

The thought of Nate and Ryley together turns my blood cold. I want to kill him. If he was in my unit, he’d be dead for touching something that doesn’t belong to him. I stand abruptly, knocking over the chair, and start to pace. My hands rub roughly over my face, and I let out a growl of frustration.

“Evan?”

I shake my head to let her know I’m not ready. I lean my head against the wall and try to think about anything other than Ry and Nate together, but I can’t. Since I came home, they’re all I see. I want to forget he’s my brother and destroy him, but knowing my mom has lost so much holds me back. He and I will never be brothers again though, that’s for sure. I’ll never be able to forget what he’s done.

“He’s always liked her,” I say quietly.

“How does that make you feel?”

I close my eyes and picture him watching her while she sat on our couch, waiting for me to come home. He was so enthralled with her he didn’t even hear me come in.

“There was this time I walked into the family room. They hadn’t heard me come in so I took a moment to just watch, observe. I stood in the doorway with my eyes on Ryley. She was sitting cross-legged with her book in her lap. She was always doing homework and that benefited me because she’d make sure I did mine too. When we started dating, my grades went up. I didn’t care that she was smarter than me. She was the beauty, and I was the brawn; it made us work. Standing there, watching her, I was jealous of the pen that she held in her mouth while reading her book.

“When I looked to my left, there was Nate sitting in our dad’s chair. He had an open book in his lap, but his eyes weren’t focused on his reading material. They were on Ryley. I knew that look – I got it every time I stared at her – but I didn’t like seeing it on his face.” I shake my head remembering the look on his face when I caught him. “I cleared my throat and he jumped. Only guilty people jump. He knew I had caught him gawking at my girl.”

I turn and face her. She looks poised and ready for whatever I’m about to throw at her. “I never doubted Ryley’s love for me when we were younger. Hell, not even while I was away. I trusted her. That was the one thing I could take with me when I deployed. She loved me, supported me, and I knew she’d be waiting for me when I stepped off that plane to come home. When Nate was home I knew they spent time together, but now I question everything. What were they doing? How long has this been going on? I leave and come back to nothing. My life – the one I was counting on being there waiting for me with open arms – is in the arms of my brother. The one man I was relying on has taken my family away from me. He was supposed to protect what’s mine, not covet it. I never thought in a million years he’d make a move on Ryley.”

I walk over to the water cooler and fill a paper cup. I have to do this repeatedly to quench my thirst. She offered me a mug when I walked in, but I don’t know how well it’s been cleaned. I crush the cup in my hand and toss it in the wastebasket before returning to my chair.

“I feel angry and betrayed,” I say, finally answering her question. “I feel as if my whole life with Ryley has been one big lie, and I’m not sure if I can ever shake that feeling.”

“But you trust her?”

My head moves slowly up and down, as if it’s unsure of my answer. “I do trust her, more than anything, but I can’t wrap my head around why she’d go to Nate.”

“Evan, sometimes love has an odd way of working around pain.”

I lean forward and look her square in the eye. “What about my pain? What about my agony? Who’s going to nurse my heartbreak? How come these thoughts weren’t going through either of their heads when they started betraying me like this? How come he wasn’t scouring the ends of the earth looking for me? Someone knew we were alive out there, and no one came.”

She picks up her pen and scribbles on her notepad. I don’t even care what she’s writing. I just want to be done so I can go drown my sorrows at Magoo’s. At least my favorite bartender is still working,
Slick Rick
. Thank God some things never change.

“Do you feel like Ryley betrayed you?”

“Yes.” My words sting, but they’re the truth.

“DID YOU CALL HIM?”

I finish off my water and set the glass on the table beside the couch. My fingers linger on the wood. The table feels worn and old. The wood is rough and in need of refinishing. I imagine it’s from years of water stains and wet tissues being left there from the many sessions before mine.

That’s how my life feels right now, worn and old. The vibrancy I once knew is no longer there. I’m reduced to memories, hard stares and what if’s. I spend most of my time with my arms crossed, holding in my heart because I know it’s going to burst out of my chest any moment now. Bringing up these memories is painful.

I shake my head. “I tried, but I think when you’re sixteen and you’ve just been mesmerized by someone who, in your mind, is the epitome of a romance novel character, you become tongue-tied. I picked up the phone many times and pressed six of the seven digits needed, but could never press the last one. Each time I’d put my phone back on its cradle, held my head in my hands and chided myself for being stupid.
He
gave me his number.
He
wants me to call. That’s what I told myself over and over again.

“Before I knew it, it was dark, and I was still sitting on the edge of my bed with my pink phone laughing at me, the boxes in my room mocking me. My knees had been bent for so long they screamed in agony when I moved. I had chickened out and convinced myself that Evan was just a dream. That Evan Archer didn’t exist, even though my heart knew he did.

“The next day was my first day of school. I should’ve been excited, but I wasn’t. The only thing I wanted to do was get through my day, act like I didn’t exist and rush home to sit on my bed and try calling Evan. My plan was to call while he was still at school, wherever that was, and leave a message. That way I didn’t have to talk to anyone, especially his mom. I don’t know why, but the thought of asking for her son to come to the phone scared the ever-loving daylights out of me.

“Being the new kid in school was something I was used to. My mom’s job moved us a lot, so fitting in was a piece of cake. I knew the routine: keep your head held high, smile and never sit in the front of the class. That was actually the first thing I learned. You never want to come off as too eager to learn and be the teacher’s pet. My first class of the day was AP Honors English. I chose the fourth seat in the third row. I remember I had to look busy so as not to draw attention to myself, but I looked to my left when the seat next to me shifted.

“I was met with those ocean blue eyes and a smile that made me forget my name. Only it wasn’t Evan. It took me a moment to realize the similarities between Evan and Nate, but once I did, there wasn’t anything stopping my verbal vomit.”

“
‘You look just like your brother.’”
I blurted out the words with such embarrassment, but he didn’t care. His eyes shone with humor, and he laughed. I wasn’t sure what he found so funny because I felt like an idiot for saying what I did. Siblings often look like each other, but Evan and Nate were almost too similar. I was too wrapped up in Evan the night before to realize that they’re twins. They weren’t the first set of twins I’ve met, but Evan and Nate were different. They weren’t identical because you could tell them apart, but from a distance, you’d never know who was coming at you. Both are tall with dark hair and beautiful blue eyes, but when they were side by side, you could tell them apart. Evan has the most adorable dimples and Nate has a slightly crooked nose from breaking it during football. Where Evan has straight hair, Nate’s is wavy and the girls in school always loved his hair. Nate was always skinnier than Evan too, even though they worked out the same. Evan could put on muscle like he was taping it to himself. I know that upset Nate.

“
‘We’re twins, and you just made the other me very happy.”
Nate said this with such excitement. It dawned on me quickly that Evan was in this school with me, and that I’d see him.

“
‘Why’s that?’”
I hadn’t a clue what I was doing, but Nate seemed to appreciate that. He pulled out his cell phone and an instant wave of envy washed over me. I wanted a cell phone, but my father wouldn’t allow it. I thought for sure with us living off base and me attending a public school, he’d get me one. It didn’t matter how much I pouted, he said no each time.

“
‘Evan has been pacing by the phone waiting for you to call. He’s going to be outside that door when the bell rings now that he knows you’re here.’”
My eyes went instantly to the door and to the clock, back and forth until the big-hand was on the seven. I thought that I was going to burst out of my chair when the bell rang, but I didn’t. Somehow I moved with such precision and calmness that I was the last one out of the class.”

“Was Evan there waiting for you?” she asks with just as much excitement as Nate had that day in his voice.

“He was. When I walked out of the classroom he was standing across from me. His leg was bent with his foot pressed up against the locker. His hand was resting on his bent leg, his books resting on his thigh. He beckoned me with his finger, and I moved toward him as if he was pulling me by a string. I thought, ‘Wow, a real-life James Dean, and he wants to talk to me.’

“
‘You didn’t call.’”

”
’I chickened out.’
”

I shake my head, pulling my bottom lip into my mouth. I sigh, remembering my first day of school. “I couldn’t believe I had just said that, but he didn’t care. His eyes were soft and welcoming. Evan was an easy one to read, a very open book. His hand sought out mine, his fingers weaving, locking us in place. He was holding my hand again, a thought that I couldn’t even begin to put into words.”

“
‘Can I walk you to your next class?’
”

“Did you let him?” she asks, almost too eager to hear our love story.

I stand and take my empty glass to the water cooler. Right now I feel brave enough to talk about Evan when we were in high school. I don’t want to talk about Evan and the past six years though. Those memories are painful. I fill my glass and walk back to the once royal blue couch and sit down. I tuck my legs up underneath me and rest my arm on the side. My fingers pick at the threads that have come loose.

“I did, every day until he graduated. He was seventeen when we met and starting his senior year.”

“When was your first date?”

“Technically that day. He asked me to stay after school until his football practice was over so he could walk me home. I was afraid my dad would be upset with a strange boy walking with me, but it was a risk I was willing to take. I’m a romantic at heart and believe in love at first sight. I was in love with Evan Archer, and if he asked me to jump off a bridge for him I probably would’ve done it.”

“That’s extreme, Ryley. Are you always that intense with your emotions?”

“It’s how he made me feel. The sun was brighter. The clouds were bigger. The birds even sang louder once I met him. I know not everyone has that experience, but I did. He was like my daily dose of life.”

“Interesting. Please continue with your first date.”

I nod. This lady doesn’t forget anything. “Our first date happened while he was walking me home. He kept apologizing for hitting me with the football and asked if he could make it up to me. I wasn’t going to tell him ‘no’ so we stopped at this little ice cream shop. He asked if he could order for me, and I told him that would be fine. I went and picked a table for us to sit. When he came to the table, he asked me to close my eyes. Of course, I did. What I didn’t expect was for him to feed me the first bite followed by our first kiss.

“Evan placed the spoon at my lips, and I opened my mouth. The chocolate and raspberry combination was heaven. I knew right away what he had chosen. But the best part was when he replaced the spoon with his lips. My cold lips met his…” my fingers run softly over my lower lip as I remember the feeling of him being there. “Do you know how people say certain emotions cause you to see fireworks?”