Here With Me (14 page)

I heed her advice and make my way up to EJ’s room. The door is closed, but the laughter coming out of his room is heartwarming. I turn the knob and open the door slowly. My intent is to spy, but what I see just about does me in. EJ is in Evan’s arms and he’s telling EJ about each picture on the wall. Evan points with his freehand and describes what he was doing and how upset or happy his mom was with him at that particular time. This is really the only moment I’ve been given, or taken advantage of, to stop and stare at Evan. The memories haven’t done him justice, that’s for sure. His arms are more muscular, defined really, as he flexes to hold EJ. The tattoos that I had memorized, some that I watched him have done, are there, but less vibrant. His dark hair is buzzed making me miss the locks he had when he left.

Evan points out and names everyone in the photos, and even though EJ knows who they are, he allows Evan to do so. Seeing them together, it’s uncanny how much they’re alike. The only thing EJ doesn’t have is Evan’s dark hair.

They turn and find me standing there. Evan doesn’t look surprised at all making me wonder if he knew if I was standing here the whole time. He smiles the most adorable lopsided grin, highlighting his dimples.

“Isn’t your mom beautiful?” he says to EJ quietly, but loud enough for me to hear. I turn away, staring down at the ground as my cheeks heat up. It’s not that I haven’t had a compliment in a while, it’s just the way Evan says it. His voice has always turned my insides to goo.

“She’s pretty,” EJ says with a smile. Evan looks at him and grins before turning his gaze onto me. He winks and walks toward me. This is an image I’ve had on replay in my mind for years. This is how life should be. Not the life we’re leading right now, each of us on different sides of the fence with one wanting what he had when he left, and the other learning to move on. We’ve been dealt a shitty stack of cards.

“Well, I think you guys are both very handsome.” EJ nose scrunches up causing us to laugh.

“I don’t want to be handsome. I’m cute.”

Both Evan and I start to laugh which causes EJ to start as well.

“Is it dinner time?”

I nod. “I think so, but I thought the three of us could talk first.”

Evan nods and holds EJ a little tighter. “Where do we talk?”

I motion toward the door. “Downstairs. I know my parents are here, but they know everything and it might be easier for EJ to understand.”

“Okay,” he agrees and follows me as we make our way back downstairs. I sit first, and Evan sits down across from me. He reluctantly lets EJ go, but I ask EJ to sit down so we can have a talk.

With my hands folded and a frog resting in my throat, I look at Evan and EJ sitting side by side and know it’s now or never. Never can’t be an option.

“EJ, do you know who Evan is?” I start, unable to really comprehend what I’m saying or how I’m going to tell him.

He looks at Evan, shrugs and shakes his head.

“Do you know how your dad is away right now?”

He nods, still looking confused.

“Evan is your dad’s brother, but —”

I have to stop when a sob takes over my body. The couch dips and Evan is next to me with his arms around me. I melt into him. My body knows him regardless of him being away for so long. My hands cover my face as I wipe away the tears. I have to be strong and do this for Evan.

Clearing my throat, I adjust, but Evan doesn’t move his arm from my shoulder, and I don’t ask him to. It just means I’m going to hell for having these feelings for two men. “You know how Chris has two dads?”

“Yeah, and he says it’s the coolest thing ‘cause he gets lots of presents.” Of course my child would be excited about the prospect of presents and not the drama of having two dads.

“EJ, I know you’re only five, but you’re very smart and going to start school soon so I want you to listen to me closely.”

EJ leans forward with his little arms resting on his knees. Evan chuckles behind me, and all I can think is how much fun it’s going to be watching Evan get to know his son and realize how much trouble we’re in because EJ is Evan’s mini-me in every way that counts.

“Evan is your dad and before I had you in the hospital, he had to go away on a super-secret mission that took a really long time, but he’s back now, and he’s not going anywhere.”

EJ’s brows furrow, his expression probably mirrors the one I held when I first saw Evan coming down the steps earlier in the week, although for different reasons.

“EJ?”

He looks up at me with the most confused look I’ve ever seen. “Are you and Daddy not gettin’ married?”

I feel Evan stiffen next to me. I swallow hard and fake a smile at our son. “Your dad and I are still getting married, EJ.” With that Evan removes his arm, and I’m instantly cold and left feeling hollow. “What I’m trying to tell you is that Evan is your dad – he helped make you in my tummy – and Nate is also your dad because he’s raised you.”

I think that I’ve only confused him more when he blankly stares at me and Evan. Of course, Evan isn’t helping, not that I think he should. This is my mess. I need to be the one to clean it up.

My mom and dad walk in, and my mom sits by me while my dad takes the spot next to EJ. He pulls him into his lap and gives him a hug. “I know your mom is making your head all messy, but she’s a girl and girls do that a lot.”

“Hey,” both my mom and I yell out at the same time to no avail because all the men are laughing.

“Do you know your name?” my dad asks, confusing not only EJ but myself as well.

“It’s EJ, silly Papa.”

“Yes, but what does EJ stand for?”

EJ pretends to think by tapping his finger against his lips, another Evan trait. “Eban junior,” he says proudly.

“Well, to have the name junior added, you have to be named after someone and that usually means you’re named after your dad and sometimes your mom.”

He shrugs, still not understanding. I knew this would be hard, but had no idea that we couldn’t convey that Evan is his biological dad, and he’s here to stay.

“Sweetie, look at grandma.” EJ does immediately and dazzles her with his smile. “Your mommy and Evan were going to get married before he had to go away. Everyone told us that he wasn’t coming back – that we’d never see him again – so when you were born, we all wanted you to have a daddy and Nate said he’d do it. Evan and Nate are brothers and Nate – well, we all wanted Nate to help be your daddy.”

EJ looks from my mom, to me, to Evan and my dad with his lower lip sticking out. My heart breaks for my son, being five years old and trying to grasp this news. “So he’s not my daddy no more?”

“No, of course not,” Evan speaks up. “I just want a chance to be your daddy too, EJ. I’ve missed so much, and I didn’t mean to. Look…” Evan moves and reaches for his wallet, pulling out a picture. I catch a glimpse of the photo – it’s of me and Evan with his hand on my belly right before he left.

“I know you can’t see much, but you’re behind my hand, in your mommy’s tummy. When she told me that she was pregnant I was so happy… still am happy. I want to marry her someday and had planned to until I had to go away.”

It doesn’t escape my attention that he said he wants to marry me, not wanted.

“Why’d you go away?”

“My job sent me and… and I don’t know EJ, something happened and I’m not sure how to explain it, but I can promise you that I’ll never be gone like that again.”

EJ appraises us all to see our reactions. We’re all stoic, unreadable. “So I have two dads now?”

All of us nod slowly, except for Evan. I know he doesn’t want to agree, but for now this is how it has to be.

“I’m hungry, Papa.”

The four of us start laughing in relief. Leave it to the kid to diffuse a heavy situation with a hungry stomach. My dad carries EJ into the other room, followed by my mom, leaving me with Evan who is still sitting so close to me that I could just lean in and get lost in all things Evan. I could pull him close and breathe him in, but that’d be wrong. My traitor body is telling me otherwise though. My skin is screaming to be touched by him and my fingers, they’re locked in a vice grip so that I don’t reach out and run my fingers over the ink on this arms.

“This is really hard, Ryley.”

“I know,” I whisper.

“I want my family back, and I’m going to tell you this right now, I’m very angry with Nate. I was told that he knew everything. Hell, I thought you were sending me fucking care packages only to find out you thought I was dead. But there’s no excuse for Nate. I’ve always known he’s had feelings for you, and the moment I’m out of the picture he swoops in –“

“It wasn’t like that.”

“I don’t care, Ry. What I care about is you and our son. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t have gone on that mission, River and I thought something was up with it when we got the orders, but we follow orders and look where we are now.”

Evan stands and places his hand on my cheek, guiding my eyes to his. “I’m going to fight for my family and I’ll do it dirty if I have to. I’ll be the one standing up at your wedding stopping it, and I’m going to prove that you’re still madly in love with me even though we haven’t seen or been with each other in six years. Your body sings for me, I felt it when I sat down next to you.”

He bends down and places a searing kiss on my lips, and once again I’m back in the ice cream shop with chocolate, raspberry and Evan consuming every sense that I have. I don’t want it to end. I want to be sixteen again and starting to fall in love with the most gorgeous boy I’ve ever met. I want the redo, the start over. I think we’ve earned that. When he pulls away I almost reach for him, but I refrain. I’m committed to someone else, and the fact that I have to keep reminding myself of that is not a good thing.

CLOSING MY EYES,
I rest my head on the back of the couch. The smell of Ryley’s perfume is present and comforting. All night I’ve been trying not to think about everything I’ve missed, but sitting at the dinner table with Carole and Jensen acting as if nothing has changed has made me feel split in two. A part of me is grateful that they’re not making a big deal out of it, but the other part wants to scream and yell and have them listen to every damn thing I have to say. Thing is, I know Carole will. She’ll let me pour my heart out, keep it confidential and try to do something. I’m not sure I want her to have that burden.

Seeing my son in the flesh for the first time is indescribable. I’ve missed so much, but am thankful to whoever made sure I saw him grow up through photos. When he was standing there holding Ryley’s hand, I wanted to break down and cry. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I wanted to sob like a damn baby because my chest hurt. The pain – it’s nothing like I’ve felt before. It didn’t matter that he was standing in front of me, smiling. I wanted to fall to my knees and pull him to me. I needed to feel him in my arms and know that he’s real and not a figment of my imagination or just an image on a three-by-five piece of glossy paper. Instead, I channeled the warrior in me and held it all together.

Tonight’s dinner was by far the best dinner I’ve ever had. It had nothing to do with the food, but with who was at the table. Sitting next to EJ and watching him barely eat reminded me so much of me when I was a child. Nate was always the hearty eater. Me, I wanted to be outside playing and getting dirty. I’m not sure that’s what EJ was thinking today, but food definitely was not on his agenda this evening.

I don’t know how Ryley usually handles his picky eating, but tonight she let it go. I’m willing to bet it was because I was here. The last thing I want is for EJ to be in trouble because of my presence, but I also don’t want her to waver on her parenting skills. She’s going to have to teach me her rules so I can enforce them. I never knew what it meant when people would say it take a village to raise a child, but I do now. It took four of us to explain to EJ that I’m his dad. The child in me wanted to stand up, stomp my feet and tell him that I’m his dad, his only dad and that my brother was crossing the line. But I didn’t. I couldn’t do that to EJ or Ryley. It’s not his fault and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m glad it was Nate over some random man playing daddy in my place. Except, as far as I’m concerned, Nate knew. He should’ve been protecting my family by being a brother and an uncle, not making plans to take my place.

Ryley sits down next to me, but I keep my eyes closed and pretend that this is normal for us at the end of the night. In an ideal world, I would be cleaning the kitchen while she gives EJ a bath and we’d both tuck him in. We’d sit on the couch and cuddle, or I’d have her feet in my lap while she reads and I’d watch some sporting event on TV until it was time for bed. We’d go upstairs together, and I’d make love to her. Either way, we’d be together, unlike now.

I’ve never felt so far from her even though she’s next to me. When I kissed her earlier I thought I was going to bust out of my seams. Touching her, even with something as simple as cupping her face, brought back six years of anticipation. Maybe it’s better this way because if we were to start making out I’d probably blow my load in my shorts and never in my life have I done that.

“How come you haven’t called your mom?” her voice is low and calm.