Authors: Jonathan Safran Foer
In major newspapers across America, full-page ads, signed by one hundred evangelical leaders, assert: “We are all Zionists.”
United Nations statement: “With the number of earthquake refugees estimated to exceed twenty million; epidemic cholera, dysentery, and typhoid causing more fatalities than either the earthquake or the war; and an extreme shortage of food, potable water, and medical supplies, the Middle East is facing a humanitarian crisis of unprecedented proportions. We will either respond to this crisis immediately and with overwhelming resolve, or face decades of global instability, and the greatest loss of civilian life since the Second World War.”
DAY 14
Transarabian spokesperson: “Bethlehem and Hebron have not been conquered, they have been reclaimed. This historic victory would not have been possible without our brave brothers from Morocco, Algeria, Libya, and Pakistan.”
The American president to the Israeli prime minister: “It was Mossad. Our plane and Turkey's.”
“What interest would Israel have in downing a plane of our last non-combatant in the region, much less our closest and most necessary ally?”
“That's a question for you to ask yourself.”
“I give you my word: Israel was in no way involved with the downing of the American plane.”
Turkey declares war, “in partnership with our Muslim brothers, against the Zionist Entity.”
301 Defenders and 334 Betrayers.
Military assessment given to Israel's prime minister: “The IDF is nearing collapse in the north and east. The 5th, 7th, and 9th Divisions of the Syrian Army have full control of the Golan Hights, and are preparing an
offensive to capture the Galilee. The Transarabian Army has penetrated the Negev.”
Spokesperson for the Israeli settlers, resisting evacuation: “We will die in our homes.”
DAY 15
Ministry of Defense memorandum to the prime minister of Israel:
To follow is our response to your request for three viable strategies to win the war.
Strategy 1: Attrition
Israel has superior medical resources, the disease epidemics are killing at a faster rate than warfare, and a defensive position is less costly to maintain than an offensive one. We will pull back to our defensible borders, enhance our already robust military deployment, and allow the war to be won biologically. We will hasten the process by disrupting lines of medical supply, and more crucially, of water. There are options for taking more proactive steps in this regard, to be discussed in person.
Strategy 2: Overwhelming Act
A nuclear strike would be the most overwhelming display of force, but comes with too many risks, in terms of unmanageable consequences, including reprisals and the American response. Instead, we recommend two dramatic conventional attacksâone in the east, one in the west. The most effective target in the west is the Aswan Dam. Ninety-five percent of Egypt's population lives within twelve miles of the Nile, and the dam provides more than half of Egypt's power. With the destruction of the dam, Lake Nasser would run downstream, flooding virtually all of Egyptâmassive civilian casualties, certainly in the millions. Egypt would cease to be a functioning society. In the east, we will bomb Transarabia's main oil wells, crippling the Arabs' ability to prosecute the war.
Strategy 3: Reverse Diaspora
While the war has exposed a widening gap between American and Israeli leadership, and between American and Israeli Jews, Israel will, with the proper public relations campaign, culminating with a speech delivered by the prime minister, persuade one hundred thousand American Jews to come to Israel to support the war effort.
It will be an enormously costly logistical effort, one that diverts men, equipment, and strategic focus from the planning and execution of military operations. The vast majority of the volunteers will have had no military training or experience, will not be in fighting condition, and will not speak Hebrew. But their presence will force America's hand militarily. The president of the United States could watch eight million Israeli Jews be slaughtered, but not one hundred thousand American Jews.
Pending your response, we will prepare a full and detailed course of action.
“Good afternoon. I want to extend to the people of the region affected by yesterday's earthquake the deep condolences and unwavering support of the American people. The full extent of the devastation is still unknown, but the images that we've seen of entire neighborhoods in ruins, of fathers and mothers searching the rubble for their children, are heartbreaking. Indeed, for a region that is no stranger to suffering, this tragedy seems especially cruel and incomprehensible. Our thoughts and prayers are with the people of the Middle East, and also with all of those around our country who do not yet know the fates of loved ones back home.
“I have directed my administration to respond with the full resources of the United States in the urgent task of rescuing those still trapped beneath the rubble, and to deliver the humanitarian relief that will be needed in the coming days and weeks. In that effort, our government, especially USAID and the Departments of State and Defense, is working closely with our partners in the region and around the world.
“There are several urgent priorities. First, we're working quickly to account for U.S. embassy personnel and their families in Tel Aviv, Amman, and Beirut, as well as the many American citizens who live and work in the region. Americans trying to locate family members are encouraged to contact the State Department at 299-306-2828.”
“Say it,” Tamir told the screen.
“Second,” the president continued, ignoring Tamir, “we've mobilized resources to help rescue efforts. In disasters such as this, the first days are absolutely critical to saving lives and avoiding even greater tragedy, so
I have directed my teams to be as forward-leaning as possible in getting help on the ground and coordinating with our international partners as well.”
“Say the word!”
“Third, given the many different resources that are needed, we are taking steps to ensure that assisting governments act in a unified way. I've designated the administrator of the U.S. Agency for International Development, Dr. Philip Shaw, to be our unified disaster coordinator.
“Now, this rescue and recovery effort will be complex and challenging. As we move resources into the Middle East, we will be working closely with partners on the ground, including local government agencies, as well as the many NGOs, the United Nations missionsâwhich appear to have suffered their own lossesâand our partners in the region and around the world. This must truly be an international effort.”
“Say the word!”
For the first time in decades, perhaps ever, Jacob remembered the Texas Instruments Speak & Spell he'd had as a child. He brought it to the beach one summer; it melted onto a picnic table and wouldn't stop repeating
“Say it,”
not even when it was turned offâlike a ghost:
“Say it, say it, say it⦔
“And, finally, let me just say that this is a time when we are reminded of the common humanity that we all share. Despite the fact that many are experiencing tough times here at home, I would encourage those Americans who want to support the urgent humanitarian efforts to go to WhiteHouse.âgov, where you can learn how to contribute. This is not a time to withdraw behind borders, but to extend ourselvesâour compassion and our resourcesâto the people of the Middle East. We must be prepared for difficult hours and days ahead as we learn about the scope of the tragedy. We will keep the victims and their families in our prayers. We will be aggressive and resolute in our response. And I pledge to the region that you will have a friend and partner in the United States of America, today and going forward. May God bless you, and those working on your behalf. Thank you very much.”
“He just couldn't bring himself to say it.”
“Neither can you, apparently.”
Tamir gave Jacob that most annoying of all looks: the put-on assumption that Jacob must be jokingâsurely he was joking.
“What?
Military? Aid?
”
Tamir muted the television, which had moved on to images of fighter jets coring massive apples of smoke, and said: “Israel.”
“Don't be silly.”
“Don't
you.”
“Of course he said it.”
“Of course he didn't.”
“He did. He said,
the people of Israel.”
“Of
the region.”
“Well, he definitely said Tel Aviv.”
“But he definitely didn't say Jerusalem.”
“He
did
. But if he didn'tâand I'm sure he didâit's only for all of the perfectly reasonable reasons you know.”
“Remind me of what I know.”
Tamir's phone started ringing, and as with every call he'd received since the earthquake, it didn't have to ring twice. It might be news from Rivka or Noam. It might be a response to one of his dozen attempts to get home. E-mail had come back early that morning, so he knew they were safe. But there were innumerable unaccounted-for family and friends.
It was Barak calling from upstairs, asking if he could use the iPad.
“What's wrong with yours?”
“We want two.”
Tamir hung up.
“It's a regional catastrophe,” Jacob resumed, “not an Israeli one. It's geological, not political.”
“Nothing is not political,” Tamir said.
“This isn't political.”
“Give it a few minutes.”
“And if you were somewhat less insistent on hearing your name, it would be somewhat easier to say.”
“Ah⦔
“What?”
“It's our fault.”
“That came out wrong.”
“And can I ask you,” Tamir went on, “who
you
is? When you say, âIf you were somewhat less insistent,' who is the
you
?”
“You.”
“Me, Tamir?”
“Yeah. Israelis.”
“
Israelis
. OK. I just wanted to be sure you didn't mean Jews.”
“Look, it was a statement, and he was being careful.”
“But this isn't political.”
“He didn't want to
make
it political.”
“So what's the plan?” Julia asked, walking into the room.
“Dumbarton Oaks,” Jacob said.
“Julia,” Tamir said, turning to face her, “let me ask you. Do you feel a need to be careful when one of your friends is injured?”
“Theoretically?”
“No, in life.”
“What kind of injury?”
“Something serious.”
“I don't know that I've ever had a seriously injured friend.”
“Some life.”
“Theoretically? Yes, I'd be careful. If it were necessary.”
“And you?” Tamir asked Jacob.
“Of course I would be careful.”
“We're different in that way.”
“You're reckless?”
“I'm loyal.”
“Loyalty doesn't require recklessness,” Julia said, as if she were taking Jacob's side, which she didn't feel like doing, especially without knowing what they were talking about.
“Yes, it does.”
“And no one is helped by a loyalty that makes the situation worse,” Jacob said, wanting Julia to feel that he had her back.
“Unless the situation is going to get worse anyway. Your father would agree with me.”
“Which only proves the sanity of my argument.”
Tamir laughed at that. And with his laugh, the rising temperature was halved, the pressure relieved.
“What's the best sushi in Washington?” Tamir asked.
“I don't know,” Jacob said, “but I know it isn't as good as the worst sushi in Israel, which is better than the best sushi in Japan.”
“I'll probably stick around here while you guys go out today,” Julia said. “I've got some things to catch up on.”
“What kind of things?” Tamir asked, as only an Israeli would.
“Bar mitzvah stuff.”
“I thought it was canceled.”
Julia looked at Jacob. “You told him it was canceled?”
“I did not.”
“Don't lie to your wife,” Tamir said.
“Why do you keep saying that?”
“He keeps saying it?” Julia asked.
“You can't see it,” Jacob told Julia, “but he's nudging me right now. So you know.”
Tamir gave Jacob another invisible nudge and said, “You told me that with Isaac's death, the earthquake, and what happened between the two of youâ”
“I did not say anything,” Jacob said.
“Don't lie to your wife, Jacob.”
“What, about Mark?” Julia asked. “And did you tell him about your phone?”
“I hadn't told him about anything that you just told him about.”
“And it's none of my business,” Tamir said.
Addressing only Julia, Jacob said, “What I told him was that we were talking about how to
modify
the bar mitzvah, in light of, you know, everything.”
“Modify what?” Sam asked.
How do children do that? Jacob wondered. Not only enter rooms silently, but at the worst possible moment.
“Your bar mitzvah,” Max said. And where did
he
come from?
“Mom and I were talking about how to make sure the bar mitzvah feels good within the context of, you know.”
“The earthquake?”
“What earthquake?” Benjy asked, without looking up from the maze he was drawing. Had he always been there?
“And Great-Grandpa,” Jacob said.
“Dad and Iâ”
“You can just say
we,”
Sam said.
“We don't think we can have a band,” Jacob said, taking over the
parental side of the conversation in an effort to demonstrate to Julia that he was also capable of delivering difficult news.
“Fine,” Sam said. “They sucked shit anyway.”
It's very hard to have a productive dialogue with a thirteen-year-old boy, as every gently broached subject becomes an Ultimate Conversation, requiring defense systems and counterattacks to attacks that were never launched. What begins as an innocent observation about his habit of leaving things in the pockets of dirty clothes ends with Sam blaming his parents for his twenty-eighth-percentile height, which makes him want to commit suicide on YouTube.
“They didn't suck,” Jacob said.
Still focusing on his maze, Benjy said, “When Mom parked the car, it wasn't right, so I picked it up and put it in the right place.”
“Thank you for that,” Julia said to Benjy. And then, to Sam: “There's a nicer way to put it.”
“Jesus,” Sam said, “I'm not allowed to have an opinion anymore?”
“Now, hold on a minute,” Jacob said. “
You
chose them. Mom didn't. I didn't.
You
did. You watched the videos of half a dozen bands, and it was
your
opinion that Electric Brigade should be the band for your bar mitzvah.”
“They were the least pathetic of three totally pathetic options, and I chose them under duress. That's not the same as being a groupie.”
“What duress?”
“The duress of being forced to have a bar mitzvah when you know I find all of this shit to be bullshit.”
Jacob tried to spare Julia from having to be the one, yet again, to object to bad language:
“Shit to be bullshit
, Sam?”
“Is that poor usage?”
“Impoverished. And try to believe me when I tell you I would have been every bit as happy not to pay the utterly mediocre Electric Brigade five thousand dollars to play bad covers of bad songs.”
“But the rite of passage is nonnegotiable,” Sam confirmed.
“Yes,” Jacob said, “that's correct.”
“Because it was nonnegotiable for you, because it was nonnegotiable forâ”
“Correct again. That's what Jewish people do.”
“Not negotiate?”
“Have bar mitzvahs.”
“Ahâ¦I'd
completely
misunderstood the whole thing. And now that I
realize we have bar mitzvahs because we have bar mitzvahs, what I
really
feel moved to do is marry a Jewish woman and have Jewish children.”
“You need to slow down,” Julia said.
“And I
definitely
don't want to be buried,” Sam said, the Ultimate now within sight. “Especially if Jewish law requires it.”
“So be cremated like me,” Max said.
“Or don't die,” Benjy suggested.
Like a conductor zipping up a piece of music, Julia gave a quick and stern
“Enough,”
and that was it. What was so scary about her? What about that five-foot-four woman, who never inflicted physical or emotional violence, or even saw a punishment all the way through, terrified her husband and children to the point of unconditional surrender?
Jacob broke down the breakdown: “The thing we want to be sensitive to is the appearance of enjoying life too much in the face of Great-Grandpa's death. Not to mention the earthquake. It would be in poor taste, and also just feel bad.”
“The
appearance
of enjoying life?” Sam asked.
“I'm just saying that some sensitivity is required.”
“Let me tell you the right way to think about it,” Tamir began.
“Maybe later,” Jacob said.
“So no band,” Sam said. “Is that enough to make sure we don't appear to enjoy life?”
“In Israel we don't even have bar mitzvah parties,” Tamir said.
“Mazel tov,” Jacob told him. And then, to Sam: “I might also skip the sign-in board.”
“Which I always wanted to skip,” Sam said.
“Which I spent three weeks making for you,” Julia said.
“You made it
over the course of three weeks,”
Jacob corrected.
“What?”
“You didn't spend three weeks making it.”
“Why do you think that's an important clarification?”
He all of a sudden didn't, so he changed course: “I think we should also consider editing the centerpieces.”