Here at Last (32 page)

“I'm here," I said breathlessly.
I
slid my hand
s
from his stomach up over his chest and shoulders until
they
were resting beside his
ears
and my breasts
hovered just above
his chest
.

In that moment, I realized that Nicholas not only loved me but that he needed me. The thought of losing another woman whom he loved would
likely
break his heart, and I resolved
then
to stay with him in Chicago. Before I
’d ever
met him, he’d
been
my
guardian
and advisor. For nearly a year, he had
increasingly
been my crutch. Now, it was my turn to
protect
him.

“I love you,” I told him.

When he was close to coming, I tucked my face into his neck and held my body just
a few inches
over his. He thrust himself into me hard and fast, arching his neck while I gently bit into his shoulder. He cried out
a few times
when w
e came
, and
I lowered my body onto his, relaxing my arms and resting my head on his shoulder.

Wrapping his arms around me, his body
began to
shudder
.
I opened my eyes
to see
him
crying
quietly.

“Shh,” I said. "
It’s okay. I’m here
.
Everything's going to be okay
."

His body continued to shake with grief.

“Nicholas," I whispered. "What's wrong?"

He seemed
bound by
despair. I lowered my body
off of his
and lay beside him, taking him into my arms. "It's okay
.
I promise.
Everything's okay.”

“I can’t lose you," he
whispered
. It was as if the prospect of my moving to New York
and learning of JT's
marriage
proposal plans had unnerved him so much that he was afraid of
being
left
alone
again
.

“Nicholas, you're not going to lose me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you now
,
"
I said as I held him.

After a few minutes
, he quieted. "I'm sorry.
”

“
Don’t be
,” I told him.
“It’s okay.”

“No, i
t’s not.
I'm sorry you ever had to see me like this."

I
pulled
my head
back enough to look into his eyes and
smiled
at him
tenderly. He looked like a frightened child.

"Like you haven't seen me
cry
before?"
I asked.

He
smiled a little and
reached up to wipe his eyes.

“And I don’t even cry,” I told him.

“The only person who's ever seen me cry like th
is was Lydia," he remembered, “a
nd hospice. Right after Rachel died."

"
I should never have
said anything to you today
. I was just so happy that there were some possibilities in my life again.”

Shaking
his head
,
he
reached up for my face
with both hands
and looked
directly into my eyes
. "I want you to be happy. I want
you
to
pursue
your dreams. If they're in New York, w
e’
ll find a way to make this work. I don't want you feeling like you have to stay in Chicago to take care of me.”

“I don't feel l
ike I need to take care of you,
" I smiled, “
but
you do need some help."

He laughed
a little
. “Apparently, I do."

Chapter
29

The following morning, I got out of bed early and went into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind me. Nicholas was still
sleeping
, and I didn't want to wake him. I washed
up
before returning to the bedroom
,
and he
watched me as I walked back toward the bed.

“I was beginning to wonder if I
’d
have to check on you again," he
smiled
.

“
Very funny
," I chided.

When I climbed back into bed, h
e rolled over and kissed me on the neck before excusing himself to go wash up as well. I slid back under the covers
and closed my eyes, listening to him as he quietly opened the bathroom door and padded back across the carpeted floor into the bedroom. He
got back
into bed and moved
toward the center where I was. As h
e lay
naked
behind me,
he kissed
my neck and shoulder.

I smiled. “If you start that, again, we’ll be in bed all day."

He continued
kissing me. "I'm making up for lost time."

I laughed and rolled over to face him, and he took me into his arms and kissed me
deeply. I had to admit that
as great as my chemistry had been with JT, when our guard was down and we weren’t distracted with grief,
there was something different about being with
Nicholas. There was something very primal
and
passionate about our time together.

Somehow, yesterday had been a breakthrough for both of us. I decided that, for the most part, I was finished with grieving. It wasn't serving me an
ymore, and I knew that JT would
never
have
wanted me to be
as
miserable as I
’d
been. That allowed Nicholas to begin trusting that there really was an “us,” and
he began to relax
.

As time passed,
I began to see the man whom I had seen in my dreams – that smiling man who had made me feel so warm and loved. Joy was beginning to come back into my life
since I’d
released the grief,
and
I was happy
at work and
was
taking care of myself
.
I was also
falling more deeply
in love with Nicholas
, and, f
or the first time, we were getting to know one another outside of our stories of loss
and grief
. I was finally beginning to understand who Nicholas was – not the widower, not the single father
,
but the man.

When we had met, Nicholas
had been
grieving so deeply
that he really
wasn't in a position to
get to know me. It was only after
he
remembered why he
’d
recognized me
the
day
that we’d
run into each other that he began to believe that he might know something about me. After all, he
wa
s the one who
ha
d come up with his “list."
Nonetheless, there's a difference
between knowing about a person
and knowing a person. We had learned a lot
about
one another
over the years
, but we were still getting to know
each
other.

Nicholas felt the same way. He knew that we’d hardly had a chance to really get to know one another
so
he
suggested
that
we go away together
over Valentine’s
Day
.
He told me that a couple of his colleagues would be more than happy to cover his classes while he was
gone
.
I had so much overtime that I knew
that taking
a week
or two
off
wouldn’t be a problem
since we would have met our February deadlines by then
.

Nicholas asked me if I wanted the trip to be a surprise or if we should plan
it
together.
I opted for the surprise as long as he told me in advance
how
to pack.
As the time approached, he
said
that he had made all of the arrangeme
nts a
nd to pack for
“
warm and balmy.
”
To me, it sounded like the perfect escape from the long Chicago winter.

There was only one
requirement
– I would need to
get to know
Hannah. We would fly to Florida and drop her off with Nicholas’s parents before leaving from there and going on vacation.

Nicholas sensed my hesitation. “Don’t be nervous. Hannah’s a great kid. She’ll warm up to you as she gets to know you.”

“I know,” I said, reassuring myself. “Everything will be fine.”





Nicholas invited me to dinner
at his house. I hadn’t been there since I’d freaked out and left a few days after Christmas. He and I had been officially dating for about six weeks
, and he’d only recently told Hannah that he had a girlfriend
. It was early February when I pulled up into the driveway of his townhouse. Nicholas met me at the door and kissed me on the cheek when I entered. I slipped my coat off, and he hung it in the closet.

Hannah was watching from the living room. “Hannah, Sophia
’s
here. Do you want to come over and say
‘H
i
’
?"

“Hi, Hannah," I said. "It's good to see you again."

She reached up her hand to wave. “Hi,” she said shyly.

“How are you doing?" I asked her as I walked into the living room. “Are you playing
with your
dolls?"

She nodded, handing me one of her Barbie dolls.

“I
had
Barbie
s
when I was a little girl," I told her. “
I loved to play with them.
What else
do
you like to play?"

“Dress up," she said.

“Do you
play dress-up a lot?" I asked her.

“No,
” she answered.
“D
addy doesn't like it."

Nicholas squatted down
in front of
Hanna
h and gave her a hug. “Hannah, H
oney, why don't you go wash your hands for dinner?" he asked.

She scampered down the hall
and
went to wash her hands while he picked her Barbie dolls up off the floor and
placed
them on the coffee table.

He said quietly, "
Almost a year
after Rachel died, I found Hannah in our
bed
room playing dress-up with Rachel's things.
I lost it
and
told her she couldn't do it anymore.”

“I see.”
As
Hannah returned
a moment later, I said,
“You know, I'd be
happy to play dress-up with her
.
"

Nicholas smiled at me and reached
over
to squeeze my hand, and Hannah looked up at her
father
excitedly. “Can we play dress-up,
D
addy?"

Looking at me, he
mouthed “You’ll be sorry.
” I
simply
shrugged, and Nicholas told Hannah that she could play dress-up
with me
after
dinner
until I was ready to stop
playing
.

After that, Hannah and I got along famously. She raced her way through dinner and asked if we could start playing together before I was halfway done with my plate.

“Hannah, let Sophia finish eating first," he told her.
I smiled
at
Nicholas
as h
e suggested that she go watch TV until I was done with dinner.
After she left the room and we heard her turn on the TV, he said,
“I don't know if you realize
what you’ve
gotten yourself into
.”