For a long moment she was speechless. She didn’t look toward
Ryan, because she couldn’t.
No wonder he didn’t want to meet her eyes. No wonder he hadn’t
defended her from North’s accusations. He was the source of them.
He had betrayed her.
Laura had been numb when Ryan and North finally left. Maybe that
had been a good thing. By the time she was getting Mandy ready for bed, the
numbness had worn off, to be replaced by pain so sharp it was all she could do
to concentrate on the next step.
Yes, numbness had definitely been better. She watched Mandy pull
the pajama top over her head and managed a smile at her success.
North had asked question after question, never verging into
rudeness, but always pointed and persistent. He’d circled around and around the
subject of the fire, phrasing the same question in a dozen different ways.
Hoping to trip her up, of course. The only reason he hadn’t was
because she’d been telling the truth. It would have been impossible to
construct a lie and maintain it under that relentless questioning.
And all the while, Ryan had sat silent, taking notes. Not
looking at her.
Perhaps that had been the thing that hurt the most. Ryan had
never met her eyes, even while North used the information he had given to
accuse her.
She bent to tuck the covers around Mandy, consciously trying to
block that thought out of her mind. If she let herself dwell on how Ryan had
betrayed her, she might fall apart entirely.
She couldn’t. She had to help Mandy prepare for her hospital
stay.
The storybook she’d bought lay on the bed, its colorful cover
showing a little badger in a hospital bed. She picked it up. “Do you want a
story?”
Mandy shook her head, and her fingers moved.
Nolie said she’d come and see me in the hospital. She
said she’d say a prayer for me.
“That’s good, darling.” Tears stung her eyes. What kind of
friendship could she have with any of the Flanagans now?
Can we say a prayer about going to the
hospital?
For an instant she didn’t know if she could do that. Then she
managed to nod. “Do you want to say it?”
Mandy nodded. Her hands moved.
Jesus, help me not to be scared when I go to
the hospital. And help Mommy not to be scared, either.
“Amen,” Laura whispered the word, signing it.
Amen.
Mandy slid down into her bed, smiling. She snuggled her teddy
bear against her face.
Tomorrow I’ll get my
new bear. Ryan will bring it to the hospital.
Her throat tightened. How did she explain Ryan’s defection to
Mandy? What she’d feared all along had come to pass—Mandy had learned to love
him, and he’d let them down.
“We’ll see.” She struggled to smile. “Night-night, sweetheart.”
She kissed Mandy’s cheek, adjusted the nightlight, and got out of the room
before her tears could spill over.
She sank down on the sofa, wiping her wet cheeks, swallowing her
sobs. If she once gave way to them, she might fall apart entirely. She had to
be strong for what tomorrow would bring.
Tomorrow. Mandy thought Ryan would come to the hospital, as he’d
promised. She knew better.
She leaned back against the sofa, utterly spent, her throat choked
with unshed tears. North had demanded that she come to department headquarters
tomorrow to make a formal statement. Only the fact of Mandy’s surgery had let
her postpone it until Friday.
Friday, when her buyer was due to arrive. How would all of this
affect her sale? Could she sell the property if she were under arrest for
arson? Maybe she should be talking to an attorney.
The doorbell rang. She pushed herself slowly to her feet. It
could be anyone, but she knew who it would be. If she didn’t go down, he’d
stand there ringing the bell until she couldn’t stand it any longer.
A wave of anger, hot and strong, swept through her. Stiffening
her spine, she stalked down the steps and flung the door open.
“What do you want now? Do you have more questions?”
She’d expect Ryan to step back at the heat of her anger, but he
just stood there, looking at her steadily.
“No. No more questions. May I come in?”
She stepped back, letting him enter, but switched on the light
in the downstairs room. “We won’t go upstairs. I just put Mandy to bed, and I
don’t want her disturbed.”
And I don’t want you in my living room again,
Ryan, because it might make me remember when you kissed me.
“That’s all right.” He closed the door. “I won’t be long. I
probably shouldn’t be here, but I couldn’t stay away.”
“How am I supposed to react to that? Should I be happy to see
you after what you’ve done?”
“Laura—”
“No.” She took another step away from him, holding out her hands
as if he’d tried to approach her. “Don’t bother telling me you’re sorry. I
talked to you as a friend, and you carried everything I said straight
to your boss.”
“Laura, I am sorry. But I didn’t have
any choice.”
“We always
have choices. You just chose your job.”
“It is my job.” He looked stung. “It’s my duty. Can’t you
understand that the only way through this investigation is to bring out the
truth?”
“What truth? You and North just want to settle for the easy
answer. I have insurance on the property and I need money, so I must be
guilty.”
“No.” That almost sounded like pain in his voice, and there was
no laughter in his face now. “We’re not looking for easy answers, but you can’t
expect me to ignore what you told me. Face it, Laura. It gives you a motive. I
can’t pretend that isn’t so because we’re friends.”
Friends.
She once hoped
they’d be more. Now she knew they couldn’t even be that.
Her throat tightened. She couldn’t go on looking at him,
listening to his voice. She had to get him out of there.
“You’d better leave. You want me to make you feel better about
what you did, and I can’t. So just go.”
He stiffened, fingers clenching into fists. “I’m not looking for
forgiveness. I just want you to understand.”
“I understand. You let us rely on you, and you let us down.” Why
was she surprised? Wasn’t that what always happened?
His face was a mask, with only those blazing blue eyes to say a
living person was behind it. “I guess there’s nothing I can say to that. At
least take my advice and get an attorney. Don’t make a formal statement without
one.”
“Aren’t you afraid you’re compromising your job by telling me
that?”
He didn’t react to the jab. “There’s someone the family uses
that I can recommend, if—”
“No.” She pushed the suggestion away with both hands. “I’ll find
my own attorney. You should be happy about that. I won’t involve you.”
“I am involved. I can’t help but be. We’re—”
“Don’t say we’re friends. We’re not.” She wrapped her arms
around herself to still the shaking that had begun deep inside.
“I can’t walk away that easily.”
“Do you believe I’m guilty?” She threw the question at him.
“No.” His response snapped back. “I know you’re not.”
“That makes it worse, not better.” She shook her head. “You like
to pretend you’re not good at responsibility, but that’s not it. You’re afraid.
You may be fearless in a burning building, but you’re terrified of emotional
involvement. Well, congratulations, Ryan. You found the perfect way out.”
She yanked the door open. “Goodbye. Please don’t come back.
Ever.”
S
he’d pulled
the vinyl chair as close to the hospital bed as she could, but it still wasn’t
close enough. Laura put her hand over Mandy’s, as much to reassure herself as
to reassure her child.
Her daughter gave her a quick smile and turned her attention
back to the cartoon characters on the television screen. Mandy had been taken
by the novelty of having her very own television that she could watch in bed.
She had happily settled back against the pillows, not even objecting when she
had to put on the hospi-tal’s cotton printed gown instead of her own pajamas.
Laura fought to keep her smile on straight as she glanced at her
watch. She’d thought the procedure would be over by now, but it was afternoon
already and still they hadn’t begun Mandy’s sedation. Dr. Phillips had popped
in earlier with an apologetic smile. An emergency required his attention, and
Mandy’s procedure would be delayed.
Clearly that bothered Laura more than it did Mandy. Her daughter
seemed unconcerned, dividing her attention among coloring books, television
cartoons and her teddy, who sat propped against the bed railing.
Was Mandy’s calm due to those prayers they’d shared the previous
night? She couldn’t be sure, but whatever had caused it, she was thankful.
Surely God had listened to Mandy’s prayers.
The thought startled her. Was she beginning to fumble her way
back to a relationship with God? If so, her friendship with the Flanagan family
was responsible for that, and she didn’t know whether to be glad or sorry.
She pressed her palms together, willing herself to be still. If
she got up and paced or did anything else to show her stress, Mandy would pick
up on it.
The memory of Ryan’s visit certainly didn’t do anything to give
her peace. Just thinking about it tightened her throat and squeezed her heart.
She’d been harsh with him, but he’d deserved it. He hadn’t even
admitted he was in the wrong or said he was sorry for what he’d done. He’d just
expected her to understand he’d acted out of some concept of duty.
Well, she didn’t. She fought to harden her heart against the
pain. Ryan had gone, and she was on her own again. That was okay. She was used
to that. She didn’t need Ryan or any of his family.
But just at this moment, waiting for Mandy’s surgery, she
wouldn’t have minded a little company.
The swinging door creaked, as if in answer to her thought. Nolie
peeked around the door’s edge, her smile encompassing both of them.
“Hi, how are you?” Her hands moved with her words. “May I come
in?”
“Of course.” Laura rose as Mandy held out both arms to Nolie,
then she stepped back so Nolie could reach the bed. “As you can see, we’re
waiting out a delay.”
“We heard.” Brendan came in behind Nolie. He looked oddly formal
in the clerical collar he no doubt wore for hospital visits, but his smile was
warm and the grasp of his hand comforting. “I checked early this morning to see
when we ought to come.”
“Siobhan wants to visit, too, but we decided to take turns.”
Nolie settled onto the hospital bed, handing Mandy a gift bag. “She’ll stop by
later.”
“She—you didn’t need to.” Ridiculous, that her throat was choked
by their simple act of caring.
“We want to be here.” Brendan squeezed her hand and then went to
the bed to ruffle Mandy’s hair. “How are you doing, Mandy?”
She was too busy pulling tissue paper out of the gift bag to
answer, but that didn’t matter. Her expression when she pulled a fluffy,
black-and-white stuffed puppy from the bag more than made up for it.
She hugged the stuffed animal close, burying her face in its
fur.
“I thought you’d like it.” Nolie’s voice sounded a little
choked.
“She’s going to have you accepting one of those puppies whether
you want it or not,” Brendan murmured. “Better watch out.”
“It might
be worth it, to see Mandy that happy.”
She couldn’t believe she was saying that. Probably she was
lightheaded. She hadn’t realized how tense she was until their presence chased
her fears away, at least for the moment.
Did they know about the investigation? About the breach between
her and Ryan?
Her tension came flooding back. If so, they’d be on Ryan’s side.
The Flanagans always stuck together— everyone knew that.
She didn’t want their comfort under false pretences. “I don’t
know if Ryan told you—”
Brendan cut off the words with a quick squeeze of her hand. “We
know about the investigation. Lieutenant North is crazy if he thinks you had
anything to do with starting the fire. We’re all sure of that.”
“Thank you.” Her throat tightened at the sureness in his voice,
and she had to force the words out. “I appreciate the vote of confidence.”
They probably still thought Ryan had done the right thing in
telling North about her insurance, but at this moment, she didn’t care. They
believed in her and they were here, that was all that mattered.
Brendan pulled another chair over, so that they sat in a
semi-circle close to Mandy. Brendan reached out to clasp her hand.
“Shall we pray?”
She managed a nod. She wouldn’t reject prayers on Mandy’s
behalf.
“Father, you know why we’re here today.” Bren-dan’s tone was
relaxed and conversational, and Nolie’s smile was warm as she translated his
words. “We ask You to be with Mandy and her doctors and help her to get well
quickly. We all love her. Amen.”
“Amen.” Laura’s voice trembled a little, and she fought to
steady it.
Maybe it was fortunate that the nurse bustled in just then.
Otherwise she might have let a tear escape.
“Sorry to interrupt, but it’s time for this little lady to have
something to make her sleepy. They’ll be ready for her soon.”
Laura’s tension spiked again as she moved back from the bed to
give the nurse room. Brendan slid his chair back against the wall.
“Maybe we’d better slip out for the moment,” he said. “I have a
few other people to visit, but I’ll come back afterward, if that’s okay.”
She nodded. She wouldn’t have asked him, but it would be good to
have someone there while she waited. It wasn’t Brendan’s fault that he wasn’t
the right Flanagan.
Was she crazy, longing for Ryan’s presence even when he’d let
her down so badly?
“I have to go, too.” Nolie leaned over to hug Laura and then
patted her bulging tummy. “Doctor’s appointment. I hope she’ll say this baby is
coming soon.”
“Good luck.” Laura let her hand rest on Nolie’s, remembering the
feeling of carrying a child, knowing your life was about to change irrevocably.
Would she ever feel that again? It seemed unlikely. “And thank you for coming.”
“How could I not?” Nolie smiled and waved at Mandy. “And don’t
forget, one of those puppies is earmarked for you.”
Laura didn’t bother protesting, knowing Nolie was just trying to
lighten her mood. Nolie understood. They could be good friends, if not for the
fact that she was Ryan’s sister-in-law. If Ryan helped prosecute her for arson,
no friendship was likely to survive that.
She kept coming back to that, no matter how hard she tried to
push it out of her mind. If Ryan—
The door opened, and Ryan came in.
For a moment she couldn’t speak. Brendan and Nolie, probably
sensing the tension, exchanged glances. Then they slipped out the door behind
him.
She finally found her voice. “What are you doing here?”
“I promised Mandy I’d come.” Both his face and his voice were
tight. He held up a teddy bear dressed in a firefighter’s costume. “Believe it
or not, I keep my promises.”
For a moment Ryan thought Laura would push him right out the
door, teddy bear and all. Then she stepped back, and he caught sight of Mandy,
her figure incredibly small in the high, white hospital bed.
She lay back against the pillows. Her eyes drooped, but she gave
him a sweet smile. That smile reached right into his chest and squeezed his
heart until he couldn’t breathe.
This must be how Seth had felt when his little boy was
sick—helpless, desperate, ready to change places in an instant if he could.
Mandy wasn’t his child. She would never be his child. But still,
the feelings were there.
He went to her bedside, holding out the teddy bear. “See? I told
you I’d bring you Firefighter Teddy to keep you company while you’re in the
hospital.”
Mandy smiled sleepily. She held out her arms—not for the teddy
bear, but for him.
He bent to hug her, feeling her small arms tight around his
neck. And his heart.
Laura’s accusation the previous night slid out from the hiding
place where’d he’d locked it.
You’re terrified of emotional involvement,
Ryan. Well, congratulations. You’ve found the perfect way out.
That wasn’t true. It wasn’t.
He slammed the thought back behind doors and concentrated on
Mandy. That wasn’t easy, but it was easier than looking at Laura and seeing the
pain in her eyes.
“You’re sleepy, aren’t you?” He brushed dark curls back from
Mandy’s face.
She nodded. I knew you’d come. Her fingers signed the words
slowly.
If so, she’d known more than he had. North had told him he
should steer clear of Laura and her child, but he couldn’t do it. Not today,
not when he’d promised to be here.
“You need to go to sleep now, sweetheart. I’ll leave you with
Mommy.”
She grabbed his hand, stopping him when he would have moved
away. Come back. Promise.
He could feel Laura’s tension, even without looking at her. But
this wasn’t about him and Laura. It was about Mandy’s needs.
“I’ll come back. I promise.”
She nodded, face relaxing. Her eyes flickered shut.
He turned toward Laura, but before she could say any of the
things she undoubtedly had stored up to blast him with, a nurse and an orderly
came in, pushing a gurney.
“Time to go,” the woman said quietly.
He stepped out of their way. He ought to leave them alone, but
one look at Laura stopped him. She bent over the bed, helping to move Mandy to
the gurney. She even managed a smile as she bent over to give her daughter a
kiss. But he could feel her pain as if it were his own.
“I’ll be right here waiting when you come back,” she whispered.
Mandy’s breath was even, her eyes closed. She didn’t hear the
words, but no doubt it comforted Laura to say them.
The nurse nodded, and they wheeled the cart smoothly out the door.
Laura took a step after them, reaching out as if she couldn’t
help herself. The door swung shut. She turned, walked back to the empty bed and
stood there, her hands clasping the railing.
His heart was a heavy weight in his chest. He had to help her,
but what could he do?
“Laura, let me stay with you. Please.”
He knew the
answer before she shook her head.
She didn’t
want him there. He was the one who’d let her down.
All the familiar arguments he’d been rehearsing since the night
before flickered through his mind. He was only doing his job. He couldn’t help
it. He had a duty.
Funny. None of them even convinced him.
“I’ll come back.” He spun and stalked out of the room,
restraining the frustration that made him want to slam the door on its hinges.
“Whoa.” Brendan took a step out of his path. “What’s eating
you?”
He glared at his cousin, glad to have someone to vent his
feelings on. “That’s obvious, isn’t it? Especially to a trained professional
like you.”
Brendan glanced at the closed door, grabbed his arm, and pulled
him the few feet to the end of the hallway. A window looked out over flat
roofs.
“It seems like Laura doesn’t need to hear this conversation.”