Authors: Sugar Jamison
Ben’s fingers touched the nape of her neck and then ran through her hair. It was a soft touch, a sweet one, and she was so surprised by it her breath caught a little. “Relax,” he soothed. “I’ve been watching you hop around this room for the last hour. Just sit here for a while.”
“I could never sit still. It’s probably why I failed at every desk job I’ve ever had. My mother used to say I had ants in my pants and that I ran around like my butt was on fire. She threatened to turn the fire extinguisher on me a few times. Once she even chased me around the house with it.”
She missed her mother. Sometimes so much that an overwhelming ache came over her and she was paralyzed with it. She e-mailed her from time to time just so she would know she was alive, but she didn’t offer much information about herself. She never called. She knew her mother was disappointed in her. She knew her mother would never truly forgive her for what she had done, but she still wanted to hear her voice so bad it hurt.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Miss Dina?”
She shook her head. “I would like to get a real tree for this room.”
He nodded. “Tomorrow. What else?”
“That’s it,” she lied. “You know, I’ve never had a real tree before. My mother is a crazy hippie and said that the slaughter of millions of trees every year for a holiday that had been too commercialized and lost its meaning is outrageous. She forbade us from ever bringing one into the house. So we used a fake one, but I would like a real one if it’s okay with you.”
He cupped her face in his large, warm hands and looked into her eyes. “What’s wrong, Dina?”
Her eyes welled. She tried to turn away so that she could hide her tears from Ben but he wouldn’t let her look away.
“What is it, sweetheart?”
“I’ve been called a lot of things in my day, but nobody has ever accused me of being sweet.” She attempted to smile at him, but her mouth just wouldn’t work right.
Ben pulled her forward until her chest was touching his and her face was so close to his that their lips nearly brushed together. “Please tell me.” He smoothed his hand down her back, each touch causing her to unravel a little more.
“I miss them,” she finally said, and the moment the words escaped her mouth the tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Your family? Why don’t you go see them?”
“I can’t.”
“You can. You’re just afraid. You still have them, Dina. They may be mad at you, but you still have them. I have nobody. Everybody I have ever loved has died. I would give everything I own to have them back just for a little while. But you don’t have to give anything; all you have to do is show up. They still love you. How could they not?”
She shook her head, unable to speak, and Ben didn’t force her to. He just pulled her closer and held her while she cried. Even though her misery was so palpable she could taste it, even though thoughts of her family churned in her mind, she was very aware of Ben, very aware that he was holding her and comforting her and there for her. Nobody had just been there for her. No one had ever held her while she cried. No man had ever cared enough. She had only known him for five days and yet this man had been sweeter to her than all the men she had dated combined.
She lifted her head to look at him, his face expressionless but his eyes full of concern. She didn’t know what made her do it, but she pressed her lips to his and when simple contact wasn’t enough she kissed him a little deeper, a little harder, a little longer. He didn’t kiss her back, but he didn’t push her away either. He just held her a little tighter, let her take from him all that she needed, and when she broke the kiss he didn’t chastise her or react or say anything at all. And that’s when she knew she had done the wrong thing.
She shouldn’t have kissed him. She shouldn’t have begun to feel for him. It would only mean disaster for her and her son. She wasn’t what Ben wanted. She would never be what he wanted.
“I need to check on Dash.” She got up, unable to look at Ben anymore, and fled the room, ignoring him as he called after her.
* * *
Ben sat there for a moment after Dina fled. He was stunned. His whole body was literally stunned. She had kissed him. He had been kissed after having nine years of no physical contact with any woman and it did something to him. He loved his wife, for years she was the only thing he could think about, but Dina’s kiss was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Dina’s kiss spoke to him. It told him that she needed him, to protect her and care about her and care for her. It told him that he needed her, that he needed something more in his life than what he currently had.
But you still love Karen.
And he felt guilty. And he felt like he couldn’t trust his heart. Five days in the company of one woman and he was already thinking about the promise he had made to himself that he would never allow himself to love again, that Karen would be the only woman who ever had him.
But it’s been nine years.
Yes, it had been nine years. Nine years was too long to mourn. But could he really move on? With Dina? He hadn’t bargained for this when she walked through the door. He hadn’t expected that her reappearance would change him this much. Maybe asking her to marry him was a mistake. He could do it if he had no feelings for her, but he did. Every day he felt a little something more for her. It wouldn’t be fair to her to go into this when he was so confused. Maybe he couldn’t go through with it. Maybe he couldn’t marry Dina at all.
Chapter 9
O Holy Night …
Dina walked into the nursery later that night prepared to give her son a bath. She knew he was in the room. She could hear his soft baby sounds, but he wasn’t in his playpen where she had left him. She followed his noise and the sounds of a soft, deep, murmuring voice to the bathroom to see Ben on his knees besides the tub. His sleeves were rolled up. His shirt was wet. He had bubble bath on his chin. He was smiling down at Dash, and Dina felt herself slipping a little in love with him.
Shit.
There was no way she could marry him now. She sucked at relationships, at making someone else happy.
He doesn’t love you.
There was that too. She knew if she ever entered a marriage, a forever, it would have to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved him.
She sat on the floor behind him, her back resting on the vanity. He turned to look at her, never taking his hand off of Dash.
“I decided I wanted to try my hand at giving him a bath. Is that all right with you?”
“No, Ben. It’s not all right. How dare you spend time with your son and take care of his basic needs at the same time. I’m totally offended.”
He turned back to Dash, brushing his hand over his head. “My son. Have you decided to take me up on my offer and be my wife?”
I can’t marry you,
she wanted to say, but the words just wouldn’t come out.
“I thought you said I have until Christmas to decide.”
“You do. But you called him my son. I thought—”
“He needs a father. But you don’t need me as a wife. You could fall in love again. If you let yourself. You could find a younger wife than me to give you lots of kids. A younger, hotter wife, without cellulite on the backs of her thighs.”
He looked at her for a long moment and for the life of her she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “The tree lighting is tonight. Do you still want to go with me?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because you kissed me, then went all chickenshit on me and hid in your room all day.”
“Oh, that?” She grinned at him. “That was just a case of hormones. Don’t mind me.”
He smiled back at her. “Good. Go get ready. Dress warm. I’ll finish up with Dash.”
She returned to the room a few minutes later, finding Ben still with Dash, working her son’s tiny feet into snow boots. Ben’s face was scrunched in concentration. He took the task so seriously it caused a smile to form on Dina’s lips and a lump to form in her throat.
She knew that if she married him she would find some way to screw it up. But not being his wife … She wouldn’t ever be able to turn off her feelings for him.
You could build a life with him. You can be happy.
She internally shook her head, not sure that would be possible.
You could make him happy. He needs to be loved.
She could give her love. She could give and give after so many years of taking.
“I took a dry sweater out of your closet. I hope that’s okay,” she said when Dash was finally shoed.
Ben gently set her son in his playpen and came to her, surprising her by taking her in his arms. She involuntarily leaned her head against his hard chest.
This is nice,
she thought,
to have somebody there just to lean on
.
“You seem sad. What’s wrong?”
“If I tell you then you’ll really know what kind of nut job I am.”
He buried his fingers in her hair at the base of her neck. “Knowing how crazy you are will only make me feel better about having the largest collection of celebrity body hair in the country.”
Her eyes snapped up to his. He was grinning at her with that naughty bad-boy smile and she damn near melted. “You’re a huge weirdo, with an odd sense of humor.”
“So are you. That’s why I like you so much.”
“You like me? I think I can die happy now.”
He smiled softly at her again as he smoothed her hair back into place and looked into her eyes. “Are you going to be warm enough?”
“Yes, I think so.” She was warm enough right now. She was so warm with his touch she thought she never might feel cold again.
“I want you to wear one of my scarves and a hat just in case. It’s a long way into the center of town.”
“I should be fine. We’re not walking to town. Are we?”
He said nothing, just kissed Dash’s forehead and then hers. “Let’s grab our coats.”
* * *
Ben didn’t say a word to Dina as they bundled up in their warmest coats. An unfamiliar feeling rushed through him as he watched her dress. Excitement. He hadn’t remembered feeling this way since he was a small child. And he had Dina to thank for it. She gave him something to look forward to and he wanted to repay her.
She stood quietly at the front door, Dash in her arms. He could tell she was lost in thought and he wished he could be inside her head for a little while. He wanted to know how she really felt about being here, if she was really ready to give half of her son to him, but that was a conversation for another time. Right now the only thing he wanted to do was give her a good Christmas.
He took the scarf he had grabbed for her and wrapped it around her neck. As he did, she shut her eyes and smiled.
“What?” he asked her, wanting to know the source of her happiness.
“It smells like you.”
The strong urge to press his lips to hers struck him. He wanted to kiss her smile, to taste her warmth, to relive some of the feeling that overtook him this afternoon when she touched him, but he tamped it down and stepped away from her. He couldn’t kiss her. Not now.
“Are you ready?”
“I’ve got enough layers on to climb Mount Everest and not catch a chill.”
“And Dash?” He looked down at the boy as a tiny bit of concern passed through him. “Do you think he’s warm enough?”
“I think he’s going to roast if we don’t get him outside. Don’t worry, Ben. He’ll be fine.”
Ben nodded and opened the door, leading them into the driveway.
Dina screamed. She turned to him in wide-eyed disbelief. “You didn’t?”
He took a bewildered-looking Dash from her. “Their names are Olaf and Barnum. They are the two best looking Clydesdales in the state. The driver’s name is Terrence. He’s been giving carriage rides for over twenty years.”
“Hello, ma’am.” He tipped his hat to her and climbed down from his perch. “Can I help you up? It’s a nice evening for a ride.”
* * *
She was smiling. Smiling so much her cheeks hurt. She couldn’t remember a time that she had felt so – so – so … damn happy. There was something magical about the night. She was sitting in a horse-drawn carriage looking up at a night sky that seemed to be filled with a million stars. She had her baby in her lap and was snuggled under a thick blanket with a man who went through a lot of trouble to make the night special for her. A man who made her want to forget about the rest of the world.
“Are you warm enough?” Ben asked her as he touched her cheek. “I had Dovie pack us a thermos of cocoa. It might be a little bumpy now to have some, but as soon as we stop I can pour you a cup.”
“I’m fine.” She leaned against him. “And if I forget to thank you later for tonight, thank you.”
* * *
Once they got to the lighting Dina wanted to get out and stand with the crowd. She had rung in the New Year in Times Square. She had been in the stands when the Yankees won the World Series. Both crowds had some sort of amazing electricity running through them, but there was something different about this crowd, something she really wanted to be a part of. Maybe because it was made up of families drunk on happiness and hot cocoa instead of booze. Or maybe it was that this gathering was what Christmas was really about.
“It hasn’t changed much since the last time I was here,” Ben said, breaking her from her thoughts. “It’s almost like I can feel my mother here. I haven’t felt her in a very long time.”
Dina looked up at Ben, who was looking away from her at the unlit tree. She thought she saw tears in his eyes for a moment, but when she looked again they weren’t there. Seeing him miss his mother made her miss hers; it made her wonder what her family was doing that night. It made her think about seeing them again. She slipped her hand into his seeking comfort. Their fingers locked. But that wasn’t enough for either of them, it seemed, because he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her. She had never been hugged like this before. Held so close to somebody that she didn’t know where he ended and she began.
Suddenly people around them began to count down. He let go of her then. She missed his warmth, but it was only for a moment. He lifted a sleepy Dash from his stroller so he wouldn’t miss the magic and pulled her close to him again just as the tree lit. And as if on cue everyone around them starting to sing “Silent Night.” Even Ben in his beautiful baritone. Dina was speechless. She had never experienced anything like this and she didn’t want it to end. She didn’t want to go through the rest of her life without feeling this feeling again.