Authors: Rebecca Yarros
“This is what I have to do,” he pled, stepping toward me.
I retreated. “No. It’s not. You’ve never wanted to do it. Is this like that stupid Ducati? Do you need the adrenaline rush to feel alive? Is that it?”
His jaw tensed. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t, either, but you’re asking me for things I don’t know that I can give, things you never would have asked me to do nine months ago. Do you not want to be with me? Is that it?”
His mouth dropped in shock. “No. There has never been a moment since I met you that I didn’t want you—want to be with you. But you need to go run that dig. I’ll assess for SOAR. We’ll both live our…dreams.” He ended on a whisper, as if he could barely speak the lie, because he and I both knew SOAR had never been his dream.
“Separately.” My heart rebelled at the idea of building separate lives.
“Yes. This…this is what I want my future to be. Our future.” The flat tone of his voice sounded more like defeat than determination.
“What kind of future is that? The one where we see each other in passing between your deployments and my digs? Or maybe we can manage a hookup halfway between. Is that what I am now?” We stood on the edge of something I couldn’t fathom, and I had no clue how to bring us back. Not without him fighting for us equally as hard. “This isn’t how I want our life to be. How can this be the future you want?”
“I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to live like this, or how I can make you understand.” His eyes met mine, and the anguish, the honesty I saw there stole my breath. “I know that this choice—this moment—might cost me you, and it’s fucking killing me.”
“Then stop making these asinine decisions. Stop ripping me apart. Stop making these choices pretending like they’re all about me when they’re really about you! That’s why you want me to go on the dig, right? So I resent you a little less? So you feel righteous that I’m not sitting at home waiting for you to die? Because let me tell you, I had the same damn fear every day on that dig that I did while I waited at home. Maybe it was easier on you—” My mouth dropped. “Is that it? Did you figure out that it was easier for you to be gone while I was away?”
“No,” he whispered, apology streaming from his eyes. “Don’t you see that this is what’s best for you?” His head shook. “For…everyone.”
I ripped the necklace over my head and put it on the coffee table, the ring making an obscene sound of abandonment against the glass. “How do we build a future if we don’t agree on one? What? We just sleep together when we’re in the same state? Send emails?” He couldn’t mean it. There was something else there, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was he looking for an out? “Josh, do you even still want to marry me?” The question ripped through my soul like razor blades, and the bleeding was instant, excruciating.
“I want that more than my own life. But you’re right. Living like this isn’t fair to you. The waiting. The worrying. The sacrifices. Not after what you’ve been through. Not after what I’ve promised you…all the promises I’m breaking right now.”
“Why do you have to do this? What we have…what we’ve fought for, it’s like you’re just throwing away everything we’ve wanted.”
“Sometimes the things we want aren’t the same as what we need.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. Need and want have always mixed into one when it comes to us.” There had to be an explanation, some reason that he would put us through this, jeopardize us. It had to be a sense of duty…
Or guilt.
Will.
Another shard of my heart broke, crumbled like tiny pieces of sand sifting through my fingers. Was he ever going to get past what had happened? Really and truly?
“It’s just something I feel like I have to do,” he whispered.
“No.” I shook my head. “No, it’s something
Will
had to do.”
His head snapped, his gaze widening. “December,” he warned.
“That ring?” I pointed to where it lay on the table. “I accepted it from Josh Walker. The boy I fell into lust with on the ice, and the man I fell in love with when he held me together. I don’t want to marry Will, or his dreams, as great as they were. You want it back on my finger? Then you act like the man I love, and not the man we lost.”
“That’s not fair.”
“None of this has been fair! We didn’t ask for any of this. We lost Will. We almost lost Jagger. We almost lost
you
. Hell, some days it feels like I did. But you have to stop punishing yourself for what happened. Joining SOAR isn’t going to bring him back.”
“Nothing I’ve done is enough. This is the only way I know to make his sacrifice matter!”
“It already does!” My throat tightened as tears bit into my eyes, the sting the only feeling I recognized. “You are an amazing man. A wonderful friend. He knew that. Stop thinking that you need to be more, because you’re already more than enough.”
“I can’t. I’m not.”
“Then see yourself through my eyes. See the man that I love. The one who promised to be my whatever. I’m holding on to you with everything I have, until my fingers—hell, my very soul—are raw and bleeding. You’re trying to live for Will, but you’re killing me.”
He sucked in his breath, his eyes closing slowly. “You’re right.”
A small sliver of hope spiked through the fog of my misery.
“You’re right,” he continued. “You should go back to Turkey. You should take the job—follow your dream. There have already been enough casualties, and I refuse to watch you wither away. Go.”
My chest tightened, every nerve ending screaming to latch on to him and hold tight. Not to let him nail shut the coffin he’d built to put our relationship in. Desperation took hold and squeezed my lungs. “Stop. I…I can figure it out. If this is what you need, then I can do it.” Deployments without warning. Never knowing where he was. Never ending. “I can do it for you, for us. Josh, I love you, and nothing is ever going to change that. Whether we’re on different continents, different beds, or different wavelengths, you’re my everything.”
He walked forward slowly and pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead that felt too much like a good-bye. “Go run your dig. We’ll—” He glanced at where my ring sat on the coffee table, echoing the same defeat that radiated from him. “We’ll figure this out when you get back. Two months isn’t going to change how much I love you. A lifetime couldn’t.”
Then he turned and walked out, pausing in the doorway. “But if this changes your love, if you realize that all I’m doing is holding you back…” He swallowed. “I won’t blame you. I’m not really sure I could love me, either. Not under these circumstances.”
“Josh,” I whispered. “Stay.”
Don’t give up. Don’t abandon what we have.
His knuckles turned white on the handle, but he walked through, shutting the door behind him.
I took in a gulping breath. Fear, pain, heartbreak, it all coursed through my veins, but anger trumped it all. He’d made another fucking decision for us. I stomped up the stairs like a petulant toddler. Fuck it. If he didn’t want to sleep next to me, then I didn’t want to sleep next to him.
I knew that was a lie about twenty minutes later when I crept back down the stairs, put my ring around my neck, and then crawled into our guest bed, simply because I knew Josh was on the other side of the wall. I let my hand rest on the smooth paint as a tear slipped down my cheek.
Two and a half years, and we were back here, our headboards separated by a wall and our hearts separated by something a little less tangible.
How could he have changed so much that we were no longer his priority? Unless he hadn’t. Unless this was about something different altogether. But what?
I’m not really sure I could love me, either.
His words gutted me more than his SOAR declaration.
His walls had grown so thick, and he shut me out until I was freezing, my heart barely able to endure the cold.
But that heart still beat for him in a way I knew it never would for anyone else.
Some damned homecoming. My eyes blurred with tears as I pulled out my cell phone and opened my flight app. One hundred and ninety-nine dollars later, I changed my departure date.
Then I emailed our wedding coordinator.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Josh
“I swear this is the second time in two months that I’ve told you that you’re being a fucking idiot,” Jagger said as he grabbed clean clothes out of his dresser.
“What the hell do you want me to do, Jag? She took her fucking ring off. I’m pretty sure that says it all right there.” I flexed my hands to keep from punching a hole in his wall. When I’d finally realized that her left hand was as naked as I’d wanted to get her, my heart had been crushed. She may as well have driven a construction truck over it. Then to realize I’d been a moron and it was hanging around her neck, only to have her actually take it off? That tiny action rocked the foundation of my very being.
In that instant I realized that letting her go wasn’t just going to break my heart, it was going to obliterate it.
What the hell was I going to do? My most basic instinct was to march over to our house, throw open the door, strip her naked, and keep her screaming my name until she agreed to put that fucking ring back on her hand. But she’d already accused me of trying to sex my way out of things, and she’d been right.
“So you told her to go? Pushed her even further away?”
“Yeah, well, it’s what she needs.”
Jagger stopped shoving his clothes in a bag and flat-out glared at me. “Get a fucking grip.”
“I have one!” I shouted. Okay, well that sounded insane. “I’m fine,” I said softer. “No nightmares, found my purpose, you name it, I’ve done it. I corresponded with my therapist overseas with Skype sessions, I flew missions, I got my head back. My heart just seems to have left.”
“You left her, Josh. You walked out in the middle of the night after she asked you to stay. Paisley put her back together and then put her on a plane.”
“You don’t think I know that? This is for the best. I’ve put her through hell the last few months, and she didn’t deserve it. Not any of this. If she’s done with me, I can’t blame her. She can go back to Turkey, and I can…” Move out? Walk away? Fuck, the thought hurt more than a fucking bullet.
He shook his head. “Damn, Josh. I know you’re used to being her rock. You’re used to swooping in and saving her like you did when her dad died. But Ember is a hell of a lot stronger now. She doesn’t need you to save her—she needs you to save yourself. Sort your fucking head out before you lose her. You’ll never find another woman that loves you like she does.”
“I don’t want another woman.” Ever. She was it for me, and if I lost her, everyone else would pale in comparison.
He zipped up the bag. “Then what the hell are you doing?”
I threaded my hands through my hair and closed my eyes. “What she needs.” I repeated it in my head, my personal mantra to get me through this shit.
He scoffed. “Do you even want to fly SOAR?”
My eyes opened. “No. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Will never got to.”
“For fuck’s sake. Didn’t you learn anything watching Paisley struggle with Peyton? You can’t live for someone who’s dead.”
“It’s not the same,” I snapped.
“Oh? How?” He folded his arms over his chest.
“Paisley didn’t get Peyton killed.”
Jagger’s posture softened, and he rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m too sleep-deprived for this shit. You did not get Will killed. If anyone shoulders that blame it’s me, and if I can function, you can, too. Because Carter would kick your ass for what you’re doing right now. If you don’t want to fly SOAR why would you put Ember through that?”
I didn’t answer, but I didn’t have to. Jagger had been my best friend for years and knew me entirely too well.
He paused, then swore under his breath. “You did it so she’d take the job.”
I nodded.
“Because she was going to stay here for you.”
I swallowed back the growing boulder in my throat and nodded again.
“I can’t decide if you’re the most unselfish asshole on the planet or the most manipulative.”
“She said she wanted the job. The only reason she wasn’t taking it was for me. Do you have any idea what she’s given up to be with me? What she risks?”
“They all do. Every woman who marries a military guy takes that same risk. They might not have the same scars Ember does, but they all know the same fear. Morgan, Sam, Paisley, Ember…they all knew what they were doing. They were all willing to change their lives for love.”
“So, I’m supposed to watch her give up everything she worked her ass off for, and then leave her with what? A kiss and a prayer that she won’t hold a folded flag? She deserves better. A hell of a lot better than me.”
Jagger shook his head and clasped my shoulder. “Trust her to make her own choices.”
“I won’t be the reason. I won’t hold her back. If it means taking myself out of the equation, then I’ll do it. She’s already given up too much for me.”
“You still love her?”
My soul burned with the thought of her smile, her tenacity, her insane level of courage. “With everything I am. Hell, she
is
everything I am.”
“Then you need to make it clear that she can have both—you and her dig.”
“And the SOAR stuff?”
“That’s between you and that heavy-ass guilt you’re carrying. I’m not going to tell you not to do it if it’s what you think you have to do. We all owe our debts to Will, and we all pay differently. You just have to decide if your guilt is worth losing Ember.”
“I don’t know how to live without her.”
“Then stop standing here like a whiny bitch, get out the kneepads, and hit your knees. Beg. Plead. You, of all people, taught me the value of laying our shit bare, of fighting for the women we love.”
“She took the ring off, and I basically told her it was okay. I gave her the out. How the hell do I fight that?” It was all I could say, because it was all I could think. How could she walk away when I couldn’t so much as contemplate a life without her?
Because you made her, you jackass.
“Then put it back on her hand. Don’t accept the invitation to assess for SOAR. Fix your mess, Josh. She’s stood by you through a hell of a lot.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I get it. You’ve walked through Hell these last six months, and I love you like a brother. You saved my life, and I will never be able to repay you for that.”
“Jagger, don’t.” I couldn’t take one more thank-you.
“But because I love you, I will kick your fucking ass if you don’t loosen your sphincter to let your head out.”
My head snapped toward his. “You know I can physically take you, right?”
“Yeah, well, it’s worth the risk. You two have always been what I’ve looked up to, and I’m not really thrilled that Paisley and I are beating you out in the ‘stable couple’ department. Hell, Grayson and Sam are beating you, even with all their drama. Get. A. Fucking. Grip. Or you’ll be right, and she’ll be gone. You can be the badass SOAR pilot, and you can fly the covert missions, but it’s going to cost you Ember. Even if she stays with you, that mission will eat a hole in her soul, and you know it.”
Trying to envision a future without December—her laugh, the way her arms wrapped around me, the feel of her body underneath me as I made love to her… My eyes squeezed shut, like they couldn’t bear to see it. “What am I going to do? She doesn’t even realize that this is equally about giving her the future she’s worked for. She thinks I’m only living for Will. To make his sacrifice mean something. She doesn’t see that by doing one, I give her the other.”
Jagger slung the bag over his shoulder. “Yeah, well, maybe Carter would want you to fly SOAR. Maybe he would have wanted you to carry out that legacy, but I can tell you for sure that he never would have wanted you to lose Ember over it.”
He pushed past me and headed downstairs.
“So that’s your advice? Pull my head out of my ass?” I called over the railing.
“That about sums it up!”
“And what if I’m right? What if she’s done?”
He paused midway down and looked up at me. “You’ve never been a coward, Josh, so don’t start now. You’ll fly into a hot LZ to save a soldier, so take the fucking risk and save your relationship.”
I stood in our living room later that afternoon, but it didn’t feel the same. She’d left an hour ago for the airport, taking the out I’d foolishly given her—forced on her. I’d stupidly watched from Jagger’s window as she pulled out of our driveway, taking my heart with her. I was pretty sure I’d left fingernail marks in his windowsill to keep from going after her.
Who the hell was I to keep her from her dream? Then I’d be the epitome of what her dad had hated about Riley.
I swear, she won’t be trapped under my dream.
My promise to him twisted the knife I’d cut myself open with.
“I set her free,” I called out, my voice morbidly loud in the empty house. “I didn’t keep her caged.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “But if it was the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong?”
Without Ember, this house was just a shell, an echo of something beautiful. The warmth, the welcome, the feeling of home, it was gone, because she was gone. Our pictures, our furniture…everything we’d started building together was here, but without her, none of this meant anything. It felt as empty as I was without her.
Without her love holding me together, I started to unravel. Every fuck-up I’d put her through the last few months replayed in my head. Every time I couldn’t talk to her, couldn’t let her in. The motorcycle race, the nightmares, returning to the deployment. The short emails we’d exchanged during the last couple of months, which did nothing to bridge the monumental canyon I’d created.
She deserved this job without me fucking it up for her, or feeling like she had to choose. Hell, she deserved a fuck-up free life. Maybe taking off her ring was her way of saying she knew it, too. I stared at the empty portion of the coffee table where she’d laid it last night. Maybe she’d taken it with her? Maybe she had put it back on?
Or maybe she’d left it in her jewelry box.
My steps felt leaden as I climbed the stairs. Everything felt heavy, my heart, my limbs, my choices. What if I found the ring in her jewelry box? What if she’d really given up on us…given up on me?
What the hell was I supposed to do? If I didn’t join SOAR, would Ember come home? Give up on the dig? If I did join, would that be even worse for her? What would Carter say? That they needed the best? That it was our obligation to step up? What would Doc Howard have said? Would the father in him demand that I take a desk job and protect his daughter? Or would the soldier he was understand the debt I had to pay?
He’d kick your ass for the way you’ve hurt her.
The sun came in through the window, and my face reflected in the glass frame of the print at the head of the stairs. I looked as shitty as I felt. I focused past my pale face and sunken eyes to the words beneath the glass. The Gettysburg Address. My eyes skimmed the words, my mind filling with memories of sitting next to Ember in history class, trying my damnedest to keep my focus on our professor instead of her.
I’d failed.
What’s your full measure?
she’d asked me. Where was my resolve? I pulled Carter’s ring from my pocket and turned it over in my fingers as I read through the address.
“‘But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.’” My voice carried through our empty house, reverberating off the walls like I lived in a tomb.
We cannot hallow this ground…
because they’d already made the greatest of sacrifices. There was no higher elevation to ascend to, no better way to consecrate that ground because those soldiers had already done so with their own blood. To have tried would have been arrogant, as if there was anything the living could have done to compare with the price that had already been paid.
My forehead rested against the cool glass, and my eyes slid shut.
“This is the only way I know to make his sacrifice matter!”
“It already does!”
Our words from last night’s fight slammed through me, shattering the last of my grief, my guilt, into manageable pieces. I was doing the same, trying to make Will’s sacrifice mean more, trying to earn it. He’d offered up his very life for mine, and there was no way to make that sacrifice mean more than it already did.
Now I was the arrogant bastard.
My fist closed around his ring, and I concentrated on the edges cutting into my palm, letting the pain ground me. SOAR was his dream, not mine. And yeah, he’d think it was kick-ass if I flew with the 160
th
…but he’d be pissed if he could see what I’d done to my relationship.
He lives for them.
He’d needed Jagger to live for Paisley. That love, their future family had been his last thought. His last word had been garbled through his blood, but I’d heard when he’d whispered Peyton’s name.
Love.
His last moments weren’t a lament of never flying with SOAR. They weren’t spent talking about how honorable it had been to save our lives. Because in those final, gasping breaths, that hadn’t mattered. He’d only needed to know that his friends would live, that Paisley would be okay, that he’d be with Peyton soon. If Will left a legacy, it was love. And I let mine slip through my fingers because I was an arrogant bastard with my head up my ass.
Of course she’d left, given up, taken the out I damn-near shoved down her throat. I had taken the last of her hope and crushed it when I walked out that door last night.
God, I’d wanted to stay, ached to, but I knew I would have given in if I’d lingered one second longer. I would have put my hands on her, forgotten every reason she needed to go, and I would have let her stay.
Maybe I could live with the guilt of what happened to Will, but watching that fire inside Ember die slowly? That would kill me.
My cell phone buzzed in the pocket of my shorts, and I fumbled it before I swiped it to answer the Colorado number. “Hello?”