reassuring to me, but I barely heard him.
“You’re in shock,” he said, guiding me to the chair Lucifer
had occupied. “Sit down here. I’m going after my father to
try and talk him out of this madness.”
I knew Jake was wasting his time. The decision was
I knew Jake was wasting his time. The decision was
irrevocable and nothing Jake said was going to change it. I
didn’t want to waste time pleading or bargaining. I had one
thought and one thought only. If Lucifer was right (and there
was no reason to doubt him), I only had a few hours of
existence left and I had no intention of spending them with
Jake. It was his selfishness that had gotten me into this fix
to begin with. I had to make it back to Venus Cove one last
time to say good-bye to Xavier and my family.
I knew that if I saw Xavier once more whatever happened
to me in the morning would be a lot easier to bear. But I
wasn’t going back just for me. Somehow I had to let Xavier
know that it was okay for him to go on with his life, give him
my blessing to move on. There was no way I was going to
try and tel him what lay in store for me. I’d never want to
cause him that much pain. I wanted Xavier to accept that I
wasn’t coming home and stop searching for answers. I
knew from my time in the Kingdom that people never real y
got over the loss of a loved one, but their lives did continue,
eventual y offering them new joys to compensate for their
losses.
I didn’t know how long Jake would be, but I figured
negotiating with Lucifer was bound to take a while. I’d never
attempted projection from anywhere other than my room
before, but it was easier than I expected because this time I
didn’t care who found out.
I found Xavier in his room sitting on the edge of his bed.
He looked distracted and a little disheveled from lack of
sleep. A half-packed gym bag lay open beside him. His
gaze was fixed on the feather sitting on his bedside table. It
gaze was fixed on the feather sitting on his bedside table. It
was the one he’d found on the seat of his Chevy after our
first date. He picked it up, lightly brushed his fingertips
across it and inhaled its rainy scent. I watched him place it
between the folds of a pressed shirt in the sports bag. Then
he reconsidered and returned it to its place on top of the
leather Bible on his bedside table. I knelt in front of him and
saw him shiver as if from a draft. Goose bumps appeared
on his arms, but he continued to sit very stil .
“Xavier?” I knew he couldn’t hear me, but the expression
on his face changed to one of concentration. Could he
sense my presence? Could he also sense how wrong
things were? He leaned forward as if to catch a sound in
the air. I thought about making contact with him the way I
had that day on the beach, but somehow it didn’t feel right
anymore. And I wasn’t sure I could pul it off in my current
state of mind.
“Hey, baby,” I began tentatively. “I’ve come to say good-
bye. Something’s happened and I’m pretty sure it means I
won’t be able to come and see you again. So I wanted to
come one last time to tel you not to worry about me
anymore. You look so tired. Don’t go to Tennessee—
there’s no point now. Try to forget you ever met me. I want
you to have an amazing life. You need to focus on what’s
ahead of you now and let go of the past. I wouldn’t take
back a single second of the time we had, but …”
“Beth,” Xavier spoke suddenly, interrupting my train of
thought. “I know you’re here. I can feel you. What are you
trying to tel me?” He waited a moment and then added,
“Can you give me a sign like last time?”
“Can you give me a sign like last time?”
He looked so hopeful that an idea popped into my head. I
had a way of tel ing Xavier exactly what I wanted him to
know without the need for words. The room was in
semidarkness. I focused my energy and used it to throw
open the drapes and saw Xavier blink as the room flooded
with light.
“Good one, Beth,” he said. I drew closer to the window
and blew hard on it so that a patch of glass fogged up.
Then I stretched out a ghostly finger and used it to draw a
heart on the windowpane. In it I simply wrote, X + B.
Xavier smiled at my handiwork.
“I love you too,” he said. “I won’t ever stop.”
My tears came in a flood then and I couldn’t stop them. If
only I knew I would see him in the next life, maybe I could
stand it. But I wasn’t going back to Heaven. I didn’t know
where I was going. Al I knew was that an eternity of
nothingness awaited me.
“You have to stop loving me,” I said in between sobs. My
entire body was wracked with the sorrow of giving him up.
“You have to move on. If there’s any way back after death I
promise I’l find it. But only to check up on you and the
extraordinary life you’l be having.”
“There you are!” I jumped at the voice, but it was only
Mol y letting herself into the room. “Gabriel and Ivy are
waiting outside. They want to get going. What’s the
holdup?”
Xavier closed the curtains protectively over my sketch.
“I’m on my way,” he said. “I just need a minute.” Mol y
made no move to leave.
“Before we go, can we talk? I need some advice.”
Xavier turned his face to the window where I stil stood. I
knew he didn’t want me to leave. “I’m kinda busy right now,
Mol y. Can it wait?”
“Kinda busy staring into space? No, it can’t wait. My
whole life is fal ing apart and you’re the only person I can
talk to.”
“I thought we were fighting.”
“Build a bridge,” Mol y snapped. “I need advice and
nobody else wil understand.”
“This is about Gabriel, right?” I noticed then that Mol y’s
face was tear stained. She had been crying too. The
corners of her mouth quivered and her shoulders shook
now that Xavier had broached the subject of my brother.
Talk to her, Xavier,
I thought.
Molly needs you and she’s
your friend. You’re going to need your friends around you.
I didn’t know whether Xavier received my silent message or
the sight of Mol y in tears tugged at his heartstrings, but he
sat down and patted the bed beside him.
“Come on then,” he said. “Spit it out but make it quick,
we don’t have much time.”
“I don’t know what to do. I know this thing with Gabriel
isn’t good for me, but I can’t seem to let it go.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“I know how amazing we could be together. I just don’t
understand why he doesn’t see it.”
“So you stil feel the same?” Xavier asked. “Even though
you know he isn’t human?”
“I always knew he was special somehow.” Mol y sighed.
“And now I know why. He’s not like any guy I’ve met
because he’s not just a guy … he’s a freaking archangel.”
“Mol y, you’ve got so many guys chasing you, you
practical y have to beat them off with a stick.”
“Yeah, but they’re not him. I don’t want anyone else and
he doesn’t want me. There are times when I think he feels
something, but then he just shuts it off.”
“You’re going to have to learn to do the same. I know it’s
hard, but you have to look after yourself. Think about what
you want long term. If Gabe doesn’t want to be part of your
life, it’s doesn’t mean yours is over.”
“How am I ever gonna replace someone that perfect? No
one wil ever measure up which means my life is pretty
much over at seventeen. I’l end up like Mrs. Kratz at school
—a dried-up old prune reading romance novels and
supervising study hal .”
“I don’t think you’l end up like Kratz—you need a col ege
degree to do her job.”
“You suck at giving advice!” Mol y’s face cleared as she
let out a peal of laughter. Then her face became suddenly
serious.
“Do you think we’l find Beth?”
“Yes.” Xavier didn’t blink.
“How do you know for sure?”
“Because I’m not stopping until we do, that’s how. Now,
are we heading to Tennessee or what?”
Before fol owing Mol y out the door Xavier moved to the
window and put his palm over the outline of the heart
enclosing our initials.
“I’m coming, Beth,” he murmured. “I know you’re feeling
lost right now, but I want you to be strong for both of us. Just
remember who you are, what you were created to do. No
one can take that away from you, no matter where you are. I
feel your presence with me al the time so don’t go giving
up now. There’s no way I’m staying here without you. If
Heaven couldn’t separate us, Hel ’s got no damn chance.
Hang in there. I’l see you soon.”
When Jake returned I knew my last hope of escaping
death had expired. I looked at his face as he leaned
against the door frame and saw that it was whiter than
parchment. He pressed his head into his hands in
frustration. I waited to feel something like anger, fear, or
even despair, but I felt none of those things. Maybe it was
because the idea of not existing didn’t make sense in my
head yet. Part of me didn’t even think it was possible. I had
always existed, if not as a human on solid earth, then as an
essence in Heaven. I stil existed now even though I didn’t
know how to define myself anymore. I couldn’t imagine no
longer being able to think or feel or yearn for my family.
Was it real y possible that by morning I would disappear
forever, lost not only to those around me, but lost to myself
as wel ? Where would I go? I was barred from earth, not
permitted back to Heaven, and not accepted in Hel . I would
simply cease to exist and it would be like I never lived at al .
With a movement as quick as a tiger pouncing, Jake was
by my side.
“I suppose saying I’m sorry doesn’t real y cut it,” he said,
looking down at me with real pain in his coal black eyes. If
he had one redeeming feature it was that he genuinely
didn’t want to see me go.
“I played a part,” I said numbly. “I used my powers in the
wrong place.”
“I should have known you’d react that way, I should have
warned you!” Jake slammed his fist into a timber post so
hard that an explosion of dirt and timber fragments rained
down on us from above. Jake brushed the debris from my
hair and I didn’t recoil because I found myself unable to
react to anything right now. I couldn’t move; it was as if I’d
forgotten how.
“I guess we both misjudged,” I said with a tight smile.
“Rookie mistake, right?”
A car drove me back to Hotel Ambrosia, Jake speeding
ahead of us on his motorbike. He drove recklessly, almost
swerving the bike off the road several times. I imagined him
turning over new ideas in his head as he rode, locked in his
own world of plotting and scheming. I didn’t argue when he
accompanied me up to my suite. Al of this might have been
his fault, but I didn’t want to spend my final hours alone.
Hanna was waiting for me with a tray of supper. For
once, I didn’t push the food away or tel her to leave it for
later. For the first time in Hades, I took notice of the food
offered to me: thin slices of rye bread, goat cheese,
smoked salmon curled in waves around the rim of the plate,
shiny olives, and ruby colored wine that tasted of plums. I
ate slowly, making sure I tasted every mouthful. For me the
food was reminiscent of my memories of being on earth. It
was something I’d never experience again and I wanted the
moment to last.
Hanna had never seen me eat with such focus or tolerate
Jake’s company without complaint. She watched me, her
face crumpled in pain. There was no way for her to help me
now and she knew it.
“Everything wil be okay, miss,” she said eventual y.
“Perhaps things wil have changed in the morning.”
“Yes,” I murmured vacantly. “Everything wil be better in
the morning.”
Hanna took a few tentative steps toward me, conscious
that Jake was watching her every move.
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Just get some rest, Hanna. Don’t worry about me.”
“But . .”
“You heard her,” Jake said in his most chil ing voice.
“Clear this away and leave us in peace.”
Hanna nodded subserviently and hurriedly cleared the
dishes, throwing me a final look of distress over her
shoulder.
“Good night, Hanna,” I cal ed softly after her as she