“My sister and my work are my life,” Grey admitted, his voice scratchy. Adrenaline washed over his body and made his limbs numb. He felt more naked than Sirus actually was, but words he had never spoken to another soul sat in a tight ball in his throat, pushing to get free. “Except John, and you already know he’s my business partner and best friend. My grandmother was the only other person of real importance in my life. She passed away a little while ago, so now it’s just Kelsie and John. There isn’t anything else for you to know.”
“I don’t believe that.” Sirus remained standing so close to Grey that Grey could see every small line and imperfection in the man’s roughly handsome face. And his eyes, Christ, his eyes held such strength and kindness Grey never wanted to look away. “I think you’ve just gotten so used to being closed up, and have gotten so out of the habit of talking to people about anything other than work, that you don’t know how or where to start.”
Grey’s chest rose and fell in big, visible waves, and he found it difficult to swallow.
“You could be right about that.” Fuck, Grey almost choked on making that one small confession alone.
Looking Grey up and down, Sirus finally took a step back and leaned against the edge of the sink, allowing Grey to exhale, albeit unsteadily. “So,” Sirus began as he curled his hands around the sink ledge, “if you don’t bend over for anyone, then tell me how you know aggressive sex can be painful for the one on the receiving end.” Once again, Sirus lifted his hand and cut Grey off before he could speak a protest. “I have no interest in sharing your stories or secrets, just as I would guess you would never share mine. I just want you to be able to tell me
something
, and that piece of your life actually pertains to what we did tonight, and what we are doing with this fling, so that’s why I want to know.”
Oh, Jesus Christ, no
. “His name was Joe,” Grey blurted, before the voice in his head reminded him to shut up. “He was a boyfriend in college, and he was the first guy I dated for long enough and felt strongly enough about to want to go all the way and actually have intercourse with him. I thought I wanted it; Christ, I was prepared to love it, but it turned out to be the most painful, invasive, violating thing I have ever experienced in my life.” His rectum automatically contracted where he stood; Grey could still feel the fire from that day burning in his channel. “It hurt so damn badly that, honest to God, I thought I’d have to go to the ER afterward and make sure nothing was damaged. The idea of going to a hospital was even more humiliating than the act itself.” Grey grimaced, remembering the days he missed classes while closed up in the apartment he shared with John, praying like hell that his backside would feel normal again so that no one—not even a complete stranger in a hospital—would have to know what happened with Joe.
Right in this moment, while sharing, Grey couldn’t take his stare off the floor. “The thing is,” he went on, “Joe wasn’t even that big. Maybe even a little smaller than average.
If I couldn’t take it with him, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it with any man.” Grey couldn’t help his focus lifting briefly to Sirus’s long, thick cock. “I decided at that point I was meant to be a top.” He shrugged, and finally looked up, facing Sirus again. “I’ve been one ever since.”
Sirus continued to lean against the sink, and he had his arms crossed against his chest, looking as loose as if they were talking about what to have for dinner. “What did Joe say when he wanted to fuck you again and you said no?”
“He never got the chance. I stopped seeing him shortly after that.”
An eyebrow arched halfway up Sirus’s forehead. “Seriously?”
“I couldn’t keep seeing him,” Grey explained, his voice full of rationale. “He was definitely a top, and it was pretty much understood I would always be the one on the receiving end of sex. When I realized I couldn’t, it became obvious we would have to break up.”
“Or, you could have told him, and you might have been able to work something out.”
“No, I couldn’t tell him.” How could Sirus ever think Grey would confess to such a thing? “He never even knew while he was fucking me that it felt like he was tearing me up inside. I didn’t ever tell him I ended it because of the sex.”
“And he never came after you?” Sirus asked incredulously. “He never called you or banged on your door asking for an explanation or a second chance, or demanded to know about your abrupt change of heart?”
“No.” Grey shook his head. “Joe just accepted me at my word and moved on.”
Sirus looked at Grey, let his gaze slide all over Grey’s body, whispering a heated tremor through Grey before he made eye contact again. “Then you were better off without him,” Sirus finally said, his voice striking. “Any guy I cared about enough to have sex with him, I would have ripped down his door and dogged his ass until I got an explanation that made sense to me as to why he was leaving. Especially knowing it was his first time.”
“Joe didn’t know it was my first time with any man.” Grey’s skin crawled at the very idea of giving another person the kind of ego boost and power a confession such as that would have engendered. “He just knew it was my first time with him. Like hell I was going to tell
anybody
that he was the one I chose to fuck me for the first time. No, I didn’t do that.”
Sighing, Sirus said, “He should have known to be gentle anyway, but geez, man, you should have told him.”
“No.” Talk about putting himself naked in front of someone. Grey shuddered.
“Absolutely not.” The scrutiny of Sirus in this moment ate at Grey almost as strongly as he imagined it would have if Joe had known about his virginity all those years ago. Grey rubbed at his neck and tore his gaze from Sirus. “Can we not just stand here looking at each other like this? Do something.” He strode forward, grabbed a washcloth off the sink, and thrust it at Sirus’s chest. “Here, wash up. That’s what you came in here to do.”
Sirus shifted and turned on the faucet, but he looked up and found Grey behind him in the reflection of the mirror. Sirus looked like a thousand words sat jabbing inside him, bursting to break out. Eventually, he just said, “If you’re going to stay the night, take off your clothes and clean up too. Leave everything on the floor. I’ll throw it in the wash in the morning.”
Such relief swamped Grey his legs almost went out from under him. “Okay.” He worked his shoes, socks, jeans, and underwear off in quick order, and by the time he did, Sirus already had a sudsy damp washcloth waiting for him. The men washed in silence, and while they did, Grey couldn’t help his attention dropping to Sirus’s ass as the man cleaned his crack and hole. He couldn’t miss how Sirus’s member twitched as the wet fabric teased over his pucker. Grey’s own ass quivered in response, and a flash of himself bent over the sink with Sirus ramming his asshole full of hard cock took over Grey’s mind and sight, and had his dick stiffening too.
No
. His reaction came from the topic of conversation; that was all. He didn’t want a man to fuck him. All the same, Grey shifted and finished wiping himself down in fast order, and didn’t dare look at Sirus’s ass again. “I’m good.” He tossed his washcloth into the sink and then stooped down to pick up his clothes, taking the time to drape them over the towel rack. “I’ll just leave these here. No need to trip on them if you have to get up to piss.”
A distinct chuckle reached Grey’s ears. “Right,” Sirus said, amusement lacing his voice. “By all means, get them off the floor. Come on,” he reached back and slipped his hand in Grey’s, giving it a tug, “let’s go to bed.”
Jesus, Grey liked the sound of that. He paused while Sirus flicked off the bathroom light, but then gripped his hand in a tight hold, letting the bigger man lead him down the dark hallway. Once they reached Sirus’s bedroom a hint of light from the moon reflecting off the snow outside guided them to the bed. The covers were already rumpled, all the proof Grey needed that he had gotten Sirus out of bed, if not actually woken him up. The sight of something so achingly personal like mussed sheets—that would surely smell warm and woodsy, exactly like Sirus—had Grey stumbling right into Sirus’s back.
“Sorry,” he mumbled into Sirus’s shoulder blade.
Sirus gave Grey’s hand a squeeze. “No problem. You crawl in first though,” he let go of Grey’s hand and stung his ass with a little slap, “and scooch over to the other side. I need to sleep next to the nightstand with my alarm clock.”
Before Grey finished shifting farther than the middle of the bed, Sirus crawled in behind and threw the covers over them both. He spooned his front into Grey’s back, slipped his arm around Grey’s waist, and threaded his fingers through the backs of Grey’s. Sighing, Sirus snuggled them even tighter together. His length grazed along Grey’s crease, kicking Grey’s heart right back into high gear.
“God, you feel good.” Sirus’s voice sounded from right behind Grey’s ear. “Is this okay?” He dug his hand between them and adjusted his cock so that it rubbed against the small of Grey’s back rather than the cleft of his ass. “Just for sleeping. Nothing more.”
Grey exhaled and reminded himself that Sirus was not the kind of man to take something he knew his partner didn’t want to give. “It’s perfect.” He relaxed and let his entire weight sink right into Sirus’s front. Damn it, the man was an inferno. “Never felt warmer.”
“Good.” Sirus pecked a kiss to the back of Grey’s ear. “Sleep tight.”
Long minutes of silence stretched out between the men, but Grey knew Sirus hadn’t yet fallen asleep. His breathing pattern hadn’t changed one bit from the moment he’d climbed into bed, and he continued to rub his thumb in the most shiver-inducing little circles over the back of Grey’s hand.
After counting two hundred sheep in his head—jumping over the fence backward—
Grey chewed halfway through his lip before he couldn’t stand Sirus’s silence anymore.
“What is keeping you from sleep?” Jesus, what in the hell was wrong with him tonight?
He couldn’t just shut up and let things be. “What is sitting right there on the tip of your tongue clawing to get out? I know it’s something.”
Sirus chuckled, and murmured under his breath, “Maybe you are getting to know me.”
Grey tried to turn around. “What?”
Pushing on his head, Sirus forced Grey to lie back down. “Nothing. I was thinking some more about how smart you are, and how I figure you must be a logical, linear kind of thinker,” Sirus responded, all the while continuing to rub the back of Grey’s hand.
“Because of that, logically, you must know that being on the other side of sex can feel amazing, wonderful, and something many people crave. Both men and women, gay and straight. You’ve been with me, and you see how much pleasure I get out of what you do to me, and how much I love having you inside me. I imagine you must have watched similar reactions and cries of pleasure from the other men you’ve fucked in your life.
Logically, you have to know it can be the same for you. That you can reach great heights of sexual pleasure by letting someone capable and knowledgeable inside your body.”
Beads of sweat popped up on Grey’s forehead and, in the dark, he tried to adjust his eyes to the door … toward escape.
“I’m not trying to proposition you right now, or corner you into anything,” Sirus continued, never, never stopping that intoxicating, soothing brush of his thumb over Grey’s skin. “I’m not even saying you should ever lay yourself open and trust
me
. I’m just saying that if you take the emotion out of your thinking—the way you do with so many things—you have to see what I’m saying is true. All I want is for you to think about it and consider it. Just let the idea sit with you for a while and see if you don’t feel differently than you did when you made that decision all those years ago. Can you do that?” Sirus gave Grey a little squeeze. “Will you? Wait, you know what? Don’t give me an answer. I didn’t say it to get a response; I just wanted you to know my thoughts. I won’t bug you anymore.” He nuzzled his face into Grey’s neck, and pressed a kiss to his nape. “Goodnight.”
“Yeah, ’night,” Grey murmured. Sirus settled in behind him, but Grey could not take his eyes off a three dimensional landscape carved out of wood hanging on the wall in front of him. He studied the piece intently, certain it was Sirus’s work.
His mind a jumble of confusion telling him to get the hell out of this cabin right now, Grey’s body wouldn’t let him leave. He couldn’t separate his flesh from the heat and solid wall that was Sirus. Something struggling to get free inside him wouldn’t let Grey walk away.
Grey stared into the intricacies of the carving on Sirus’s wall … and stayed.
Ever.
“What’s wrong?” Grey asked, yanking Sirus out of his dreamy state. “Why are you staring?” He put his hand up to his chin and wiped. “Do I have toothpaste on my face?”
“No, you look fine.” Sirus’s face heated, but he held Grey’s stare. “You look really handsome this morning. You look sexy in blue.”
“Oh.” Twin blossoms of red crept over Grey’s cheeks. “Thanks.” He patted his hands down the front of his shirt and brushed his fingers over his jeans, straightening everything out,
just so
. “I should get going and let you get to your art.” Pointing toward the hallway, Grey backed out of the bathroom and walked to the living room. “Besides,”
he grabbed his coat off the arm of the couch, “I neglected emails pretty much all day yesterday, so I really need to play catch up today.”
Sirus shook his head and smiled. “You do know you’re supposed to be on vacation, right? That generally means you can get away with a little bit of slacking.” He opened the door anyway and followed Grey out onto the porch. The still, quiet cold of morning quickly took root in Sirus’s bones. Without a jacket or shoes on, he moved closer to Grey for a little heat. He leaned down and stole a kiss, letting his lips linger over the warmth of Grey’s breath fanning his face and mouth. “Even big shots like you are allowed to take a couple of weeks off every year.”