Greegs & Ladders (15 page)

Finding out
lots of interesting things

Hope you’re
having a good time as well.

Been watching
your stand-up, pretty funny.

Not as good as
Bill Hicks or George Carlin...

but alright.
Inject this into your eyeball, or

you will die.
Longevity formula and other

preventative
measures. Don’t give to any

humans, will
make them immortal.

Chat soon.

I
instinctively wanted to not inject the longevity formula into my
eyeball, not because I didn’t want to inject myself in the eyeball…
After 648 HL’s I very much wanted to do that. No, I just didn’t
want to give Rip the satisfaction of popping by with a note after
abandoning me on this miserable rock and me actually following his
instructions. But, I knew enough about Rip, to know that I had to
do it, or I would die. And I didn’t want to die. Inject myself in
the eyeball I did. But I only gave myself half of the formula. The
other half I gave to a fellow named Herb. In all the time I’d been
on Earth, he was the only decent human being I’d met. He was a fine
fellow that Herb, and I couldn’t think of a better man to pass
countless HL's with. Here’s how cool of a guy Herb was. I went over
to his house where he was gardening.

“Hey Herb, I’m
going to stick this needle in your eye and make you immortal,
okay?”

“Sure,
whatever,” said Herb, not even looking up from his rake.

That was Herb
for you, nothing phased the guy. Took everything in stride.

A few HL’s
later, and it was considered an irrefutable fact by many that not
only was the new planet not new, but it had been there since the
beginning of time, as could be proven by ancient textbooks that
spoke of nine planets in the solar system. This split people into
two ideological camps, those who knew for a fact it had always been
there and those certain (with the aiding of heaps of “scientific
explanations”) that the new planet was a mass hallucination. As was
always the case when people divided themselves into two ideological
camps... violent wars broke out for centuries between the Believers
of the Nine Planet Theory (BNPT) and The Mass Hallucinationists
(TMHs).

One thing that
both the BNPT and TMHs agreed on, was that the useless rock at the
end of the line was not a real planet, and never had been. Pluto
was never spoken of again by any human being. It was erased from
memory and history. If it had to be spoken of it was in dismissive
euphemisms like “That small, puny, stupid rock,” or “The little
meteor with no friends, and an ugly, cold, barren surface that no
one would ever want to visit even if it was a planet.”

This feud of
belief systems, like all feuds of belief systems, was both embraced
and fuelled by the ones who really controlled things on Earth...
the money lenders and the dealers of arms and weaponry. At this
current juncture in history, both of these tasks were performed
exclusively by the recently formed Global Group of Firms LTD
(GGFLTD), who were now the only company or government that existed.
In reality, GGFLTD was neither a company, nor a government... it
was a cross-planetary, all encompassing ruling elite, consisting
entirely of Investment Bankers, with a small subsidiary branch
supplying arms to both the BNPT and TMHs. Both the BNPT and TMHs
had complicated and utterly powerless leadership who answered only
to the GGFLTD. Each side routinely convinced their followers of the
need for perpetual warfare on the other, due to the 'advisement'
from the Global Firms. One of the first actions of this monolithic,
ultra-powerful organization was to create a gigantic central
computing device. They called it “The Economy”. It churned out
graphs and charts and 'advisement reports' which dictated every
action performed by mankind. Any semblance of these numbers having
any bearing on the real world had long since been replaced with the
simple phrase 'Growth.' The GGFLTD had adopted the motivational,
pro-human slogan of 'As long as things are growing, then things are
not un-growing, and that is good.' It seemed to resonate with the
masses, keeping them building things and procreating. The GGFLTD
had long since erased the idea that building things was for any
other purpose than to keep the complicated graphs and charts “The
Economy” pumped out from sharply dropping. It was strongly
engrained in the minds of all human beings, that should the graphs
and charts ever go down, all sorts of terrible things would happen,
and growth would become ungrowth very quickly. Buildings were built
primarily for the purpose of investing in, thus making the GGFLTD
board members more money, so they could invest in the building of
more things. The benefit for the masses was simple... jobs. So long
as things had to be built, someone had to build them. And once they
were built, they would also have to be kept clean. Growth=Jobs, and
without growth, things would not be growing, and that was not good,
so the general populace was constantly reminded.

Under the new
'growth for the sake of growing' economic model, the population of
Earth now towered at an astounding 8.5 trillion people. This
controversial, newly arrived, closer planet offered some fantastic
solutions for a ridiculously overpopulated globe. BNPT Scientists
blasted Rocket ships off on a tri-secondly basis, delivering load
after load of refuse to the surface of the new planet. This
continued for a few HL's until it was realized they were sending
all of their best rockets off into an ever growing heap of garbage.
The problem was solved with the construction of a giant cannon,
taking up the entire continent of Africa, aimed at the garbage
planet.

The Global
Group of Firms LTD sociological model of exponential growth and
perpetual warfare between the BNPT and TMHs had a very drastic side
affect. It was sucking the earth dry of oil. The GGFLTD did not see
this as a negative. The constant search for oil was only an
opportunity for more jobs, and a solid reason to go to war, which
was a great motivator to build things, especially after they'd been
blown up. In order to meet the massive and unmeetable demand for
oil, the GGFLTD “advised” (demanded with no chance of any possible
alternative) the drilling of countless oil wells in countless
oceans and under countless arctic ice shelves. At a rupturing rate
of nearly 50% and with the mere mention of silly things like 'the
environment' or 'standards' or 'the planet' being punishable by
death, it was not long before every ocean was oozing with oil.
Nobody cared... it was soon decreed, by way of newly circulated
GGFLTD approved information documents, that the ocean had always
been black and goopy, and that the new shimmering fish species
living in the black goop had always been there. Anyone who thought
otherwise soon found themselves homeless. Most people found
themselves homeless actually. The infinite wisdom of the Investment
Bankers found that the act of residing in homes merely made it
harder to keep them clean, and generally aided in the deterioration
of the value of the buildings. In order to keep the graphs and
charts headed in an upward trajectory, it was vital that all
buildings remain empty, save for cleaners and security persons
keeping non-cleaners off the premises.

Some Formerly
Ambiguous Odds and Ends, of the Loose Variety, are Tied Up

Many
more HL’s passed by. More planets began to appear. Then entire
suns. Then solar systems. They came from all over the place,
seemingly surrounding the earth. Many of them were clearly
inhabited. The people of Earth had two choices: to accept that they
were wrong about nearly everything and acknowledge the ever
changing realities surrounding them… or completely ignore the facts
and further delude themselves about their own importance in the
grand scheme of things by denouncing science, logic and observation
in favour of even more self aggrandizing religion, ritual, silly
clothing and wars over all of the above.
Guess which one they chose?

Me and
Herb saw it all happen, together. We had no idea why all of this
was happening, but we at least acknowledged that it was. Two of the
new stars appeared on opposite sides of what humans called their
sun. The two stars violently smashed into the sun, forming a
colossal new super star,
five times
the size of the Earth’s old sun. The shock-waves from this
collision blasted Mercury, Venus and the Earth into Mars, forming a
hideously unshapely conglomeration of a planet. A
planetglomerate.

Humans
reacted as they always did in times of chaos and uncertainty, they
engaged in massive amounts of carnage and violence and sexual
misconduct. STD’s were spread and cultivated rampantly.
“
The Economy” began to ungrow. Panic struck
the board members. At the behest of the GGFLTD's Growth Restoration
Division, scientists worked tirelessly to keep up with all the
diseases, developing new and better ways to make sex safer and more
sterile. They eventually settled on
an ornamental and intimate genital contraption for
both the male and the female. The male device was a tube that
sucked ejaculate out of his penis, funneling it into a sealable and
sterile tube, where it could be kept for over 2 hours. With a few
more HL's of work, the ejaculate was able to be stored for over 40
hours. The sterile tube was then placed in a receptacle attached to
the side of a suction cup that formed around the female genitals
with a tube leading inside her, directly to the womb. Once
sterilized and tested, the male ejaculate was pumped into the
female and delivered right to her biological doorstep. Sex was
forbidden by law, except for procreation, even the word sex was
banned. It was only to be done in a strict, laboratory setting and
was a completely joyless affair. Since the only purpose was to
procreate, it was not called sex any more, it was called an
“Attempt.”

The shock-wave
continued throughout the rest of the solar system as well. Jupiter
was knocked off of its orbit, floating about various solar systems
as it pleased. It had become a 'free planet.' The shock-wave sent
Saturn smashing into Neptune, forming a mini star which pulled both
of their various satellites, along with the asteroid field, into
orbit. The many moons and asteroids were slung around the new
mini-star in circles like a lasso, with each one eventually
smashing into the planetglomerate (making what was already a
hideously ugly thing into a true monstrosity.) During one of these
collisions, Mars was actually dislodged from the planetglomerate,
and began to slowly drift away. Seeing a chance for escape, my pal
Herb rallied the approximately 1% of the population still capable
of critical thinking and they hopped aboard the planet of Mars,
thoroughly disgusted with the direction the rest of the species was
taking. All of the smartest, most intelligent, freethinking human
beings joined Herb's expedition with the intent of forming a
veritable Utopia on Mars. Under Herb’s steady guidance, they would
succeed in doing so. Herb cordially invited me to come along, but I
refused, for what I was observing on the planetglomerate was
something I felt somebody needed to see and record. I don’t believe
in words like fate, purpose or higher power, but I began to see why
those cruel, heartless bastards left me here all this time. I was
to watch something spectacular unfold.

Due to the
sweltering heat from the newly formed stars surrounding them, the
humans gradually shed their clothing, until they had no choice but
to be naked. It simply wasn’t practical, or possible, to wear
clothing. However, the humans couldn’t simply discard a way of
thinking so engrained in their brains as shame of their naked
bodies. So they simply shifted the same mentality they had once
applied to clothing to nakedness. It became socially ridiculous to
be seen wearing clothing of any kind. People were mocked and
ridiculed for it, flocking out of the great mud camps into 'The
Cleanliness.'

Long
ago, the actual human board members of the GGFLTD had ceased to
exist. It is the natural progression of Investment Banking firms.
They keep 'growing' to a point where no humans are required to keep
“The Economy” running. At this point, all humans were desperate to
get back to the good old days and make “The Economy” graphs and
charts go up again. Feverishly, they put their heads down, built
things, and kept them clean. Then they looked at them and said
‘hey, look at that, we built that, better keep it clean or else it
will get dirty.’ Slowly but surely, “The Economy” started to spit
out graphs that went up again. With all of the scientists and
critical thinkers gone, the rest of the species quickly agreed
everything was their fault... after all, now that they were gone,
the graphs were going up again. Rejuvenated by this new found
purpose, the creatures poured out over every inch of the surface of
the planet building and cleaning
spotless surfaces that looked like varnished
marble, shiny glass windows and freshly bleached tile floors. They
looked like this, because that’s precisely what they were. It all
looked very impressive, and it gave everyone something to do and to
look at. This process continued for many thousands of HL’s, until
they had covered every square inch of the place with buildings and
structures and surfaces… anything to keep their minds off of the
insanity swirling around them in space. Anything to avoid facing
the truth that they were not alone, and they were not important.
Anything to keep “The Economy” from going down again. The task of
building and expanding and keeping such a hideously large
planetglomerate clean was enough to take anyone’s mind off of 59
suns swirling about you in a wonderful new star system. Nearly
every species of plant and animal was obliterated. As was always
the case, the only creatures that survived were ones able to adapt
to their surroundings. Among the most impressive of these creatures
was The Quigg, a perfectly, biologically-evolved cleaning specimen,
who could shine and disinfect surfaces like nothing else. Soon
enough, almost all the other life forms on the planet were simply
bio-cleaning creatures. Since they had no need to do work any more,
the dominant species on the planet got lazier and lazier with each
passing HL. They also got sloppier and more brutish and less
intelligent. They stopped learning about things, and passing on
knowledge.