Authors: Tom Holt
Tags: #Fiction / Fantasy - Contemporary, Fiction / Humorous, Fiction / Satire
Grailblazers (32 page)
âWhat do you mean?'
âIt looks rather like I chose the wrong man for the job,' he replied. âDo you remember a boy called Boamund? One of the Northgales kids, tall, gangling, unfortunate manner.'
âOf course I do,' Mahaud said. âSnotty, the other boys called him. Not a very agreeable name, but apt.'
âWell,' Simon Magus said, âhe was one of my Sleepers. This spot of business that's going on now, I put him in charge of it. He was doing all right, too, until... Oh well.'
Mahaud took the glasses back. âWhat's happened?' she said.
âGirl trouble.'
âOh dear. I never thought he was the type, really.'
âThey're the worst sort, usually,' Simon Magus replied. âAnyway, it's not that sort of trouble. Oh
damn,'
he added peevishly.
damn,'
he added peevishly.
âNever mind,' said Mahaud briskly. âCan't be successful every time.'
âSuppose not,' replied the magician, philosophically. âA great pity, though. I'd rather set my heart on this one coming off.'
âPut a lot of work into it?'
âRather a lot, yes,' Simon Magus said. âAnd I thought I'd made sure it was fairly idiot-proof. Still, there are idiots and idiots.'
Mahaud thought for a moment. âIt's never too late to - well, give him a helping hand, you know.'
Simon Magus looked at her. âBut that's unethical,' he said. âOnce they've started and everything. Most improper.'
âNobody would ever know.'
âI would.'
âOh.' She stood for a moment, playing with the binoculars. âFair enough,' she said. âFancy a quick game of Scrabble?'
Simon Magus studied his wife for a moment.
âMahaud,' he said, âyou're up to something.'
âNonsense.'
âCome on, I know that expression. You're not to interfere.'
âI wouldn't dream of it,' replied his wife innocently. âYou know that.'
âWell, then.' He glanced at his watch. âBlast,' he said, âI must dash. I said I'd give Merlin a game of dominoes.'
âYou run along then,' Mahaud said. âSee you later.'
Â
It was an awkward moment.
âHello again,' Galahaut said. âWe were just going to come and look for you.'
âOh yes?'
âWe were just,' Galahaut went on, âhelping your father have a really good sort-out of his sock drawer.'
âReally.'
âAnd then,' Galahaut persevered, âhe said he felt a bit tired and went to sleep, and so we thought we'd come and find you. But here you are anyway.'
The girl gave him a look. âI don't believe you,' she said.
âYou don't?'
âNo, I don't'.
âOh.'
âI think,' the girl said, âthat you're trying to steal Daddy's special Socks. I think you're
burglars.'
burglars.'
âWhat makes you think that?'
âYou are, aren't you?' the girl said. âI think you tricked your way in here pretending to be knights, but really you're just sock-thieves. Probably,' she added, remembering a phrase from a book she'd been reading, âan international gang.'
âOh, we're knights all right,' Boamund interrupted. âThere's no question of that.'
The girl sniffed. âKnights fight fair,' she said. âKnights don't tie people up and go emptying drawers out on the floor. Burglars do that.'
âKnights do too, sometimes. It's all a matter of what's right in the particular circumstances.'
The girl shook her head. âDaddy told me to be specially on the look-out for burglars,' she said. âAnd he told me that if ever I saw any, I was to get this gun from his study and shoot them.'
âGosh,' Boamund said. Galahaut smiled.
âAnd you always do what Daddy says?' he enquired.
âAlways.'
âWhat a terribly dreary life you must lead.'
The girl frowned. âWhat do you mean?' she asked.
Galahaut raised an eyebrow. âI mean,' he said, âI don't suppose you get out much, do you? No going to parties or anything like that.'
âCertainly not.' The girl looked pensive as she fidgeted with the safety catch of the rifle. Pensive but extremely dangerous.
âCan't be many people of your own age around here,' Galahaut went on. The girl nodded.
âNone,' she said. âExcept for some of the pages, of course. Some of them are quite nice, or at least one of them...' She hesitated for a moment. âBut Daddy says I'm not to talk to the pages. He says...'
Galahaut raised his eyebrow a little bit more. It was very eloquent. But the girl suddenly shook her head.
âWhat's that got to do with burglars?' she said.
âUm...'
âYou're just trying to confuse me,' the girl went on. âThat's a typical burglar trick, trying to confuse people.
Knights wouldn't do that. They'd think it wasn't chivalrous.'
Slowly, she raised the rifle towards her shoulder, and Boamund shut his eyes. This didn't fit in with his preconceptions about damsels in distress at all.
A moment later he heard a hissing noise and a thump. At first he guessed the thump must be his own dead body collapsing to the floor; but after a few seconds he revised this opinion and opened his eyes again.
The girl was lying on the floor, snoring gently, and Toenail was putting an aerosol can back in his satchel.
âKnew it'd come in handy,' said the dwarf. âMarvellous stuff, Mace. Works wonders with large dogs, too. I couldn't find a sack, by the way, but I thought a couple of pillow cases might do instead. Is that all right?'
Galahaut, who had gone a very funny colour, extricated himself from the corner of the room, into which he had backed, and grinned.
âJolly good timing, that,' he said shakily. âNice work.'
âThank you,' Toenail replied, rather taken aback. He tried to remember if anyone had ever thanked him before; good question. âI met this woman out in the laundry room who said I was needed back here, so I came in.'
âWhat woman?' Boamund asked.
âDunno,' Toenail replied. âJust a woman. Appeared out of nowhere holding a pair of binoculars, gave me a message about you two being in the ... you two wanting me for something, and vanished again. Might have been a hologram, even.' He opened a pillow case and began filling it with socks.
âWe still don't know which pair is which, though,' Boamund observed. âYou know, I do think it'd be a good idea if we found out. Otherwise...'
The other two looked at him.
âBo,' Galahaut said, âI don't want to seem slapdash or anything, but if it's all the same to you, I'd rather we escaped with our lives first and saved the underwear-sorting part of it till later. If that's all right with you, I mean.'
âI wonder who that woman was. She might have known.'
âWho?' Toenail asked, looking up from the pillow case. âThe hologram, you mean?'
âThat's if it really was a hologram,' Boamund said. âWhat is a hologram, anyway?'
Toenail was about to explain when a sound outside the door checked him. The sound, if he wasn't very much mistaken, of hooves. Feet, too. Lots of them.
âOh God,' he said, âmore of them.' He reached for the aerosol, shook it and made a face. âNot much left in there,' he muttered. âMay I suggest that you hide?'
âWhere?'
Toenail nodded towards the fireplace. âYou could try the chimney,' he said.
Â
âGood Lord,' Simon Magus said. âHow on earth did they manage that?'
Mahaud looked up from her Scrabble pieces. âManage what, dear?' she said.
âThat young Snotty and the other one,' said the magician, putting the binoculars down. âThey've got away from that lunatic girl after all. There's more to Boamund than I thought, apparently.'
Mahaud smiled. âThat's nice, dear,' she said. âNow, what can I make with this lot?'
She studied her hand carefully. There was a C, an H, an E, an A and a T.
âIs there such a word as theac?' she asked.
Â
Â
It was windy up on the roof.
âHand me up that other pillow case,' Boamund called down the chimney. âCareful now, don't drop it. That's the way.'
A moment later Galahaut emerged. He was very sooty, and he'd broken a fingernail.
âPity we had to leave the dwarf,' he said. âStill, never mind.'
âWe'll just have to wait till we get home,' Boamund said. âStill, it is a shame. I hate polishing shoes and sewing on buttons. It's so fiddly.'
A sleigh was floating in the air a few feet from their heads, tethered to a ring on the side of the chimney-stack. There was a full team of reindeer in the shafts.
âThat's handy,' Boamund said. âI was wondering how we were going to escape.'
âSomething always turns up,' Galahaut replied. âDo you know how you drive one of these things?'
âNot really,' said Boamund. âStill, I expect it's not too difficult once you've got the hang of it. Probably an ordinary flying spell will do.'
âI forgot,' Galahaut said, âyou know all that magic stuff for getting about and things. I could never be doing with it, personally.'
Boamund hauled himself up into the sleigh, took the pillow cases from Galahaut and gave him a hand up into the cockpit. âNow then,' he said, âwe just say the magic words, and then we're away.'
He said them. Nothing.
âWhat's wrong?'
âIt isn't working, that's what.'
Galahaut, the actor, sniffed. âTry putting a bit more feeling into it. Motivation, that's what you need. Come on, let me try. What's the spell again?'
Boamund told him, and he sat for a moment, thinking himself into the part. Then he said the spell.
âGosh,' Boamund said. âThat was very good.'
âThanks.'
âWe still aren't moving, though, are we?'
âProbably a bit too melodramatic,' Galahaut admitted. âA bit too Olivier, maybe. I'll make it a bit more Marlon Brando this time, shall I?'
âWho's Marlon Brando?'
Galahaut said the words again. The sleigh continued to bob gently in the breeze.
âThat's a bit tiresome,' he said. âAre you sure you've got the right words?'
âI think so.' Boamund muttered them over to himself under his breath. They sounded all right.
âPerhaps magic doesn't work here,' he suggested. âI've heard that there are places like that.'
Just then, Galahaut noticed that an arm had appeared over the edge of the chimney-pot. He drew his sword, and then stopped.
âIt's all right,' he said, âit's only the dwarf.'
Sure enough, Toenail's head appeared a moment later. They helped him up on to the sleigh.
âSorry you got left behind,' Galahaut said, âonly, well, it was you or the socks. Couldn't carry both, you understand.'
Toenail understood all too well. Still, it had been all right, just about. He had a nasty antler-gouge in his leg, and his neck ached where a page had thrown a teapot at him, but otherwise he was all right. All the Mace had gone, though.
âWould it be a good idea if we left now, please?' he suggested. âOnly, they were saying something about following us, and...'
âEasier said than done,' Boamund replied. âWe can't get this thing to budge. We've tried the magic spell, and it won't work.'
Toenail looked down at the console.
âIt might help,' he said, âif you took the handbrake off.'
Â
Â
âRunning away,' Boamund said, âis just not done.'
âI've done it,' Toenail interrupted, âlots of times. It's quite easy once you get the hang of it.'
âBut it's not right,' Boamund protested. âSir Lance-lot never ran away from people.'
âMaybe not,' Galahaut retorted, as they skittered over a patch of turbulence. âMaybe the fact that everyone was shit-scared of him had something to do with it. I don't think that lot are terribly frightened of us, do you?'
He waved an arm behind them. Boamund looked over his shoulder. In the distance he could just make out the figure of von Weinacht in the leading pursuit sleigh - there were ten of them - standing up in the box and wielding his big Danish axe. He certainly didn't look frightened.
âThat's beside the point,' Boamund objected, ducking to avoid a passing skua. âI mean,' he added, âthey'll never be scared of us if we keep running away, will they?'
âI don't think they'll be all that scared if we suddenly decide to keep still,' Galahaut replied. âJust rather surprised and very pleased.'
The sleigh rocked as a thermal hit it, and Boamund grabbed the rail. âI still don't think ...' he started to say, and then caught sight of the world, a very long way below. âGosh,' he said.
The pursuers were gaining on them. In the shafts of von Weinacht's sleigh, there was a very big reindeer with a red nose and grey hairs round its muzzle, the tinsel on its antlers cracking in the wind. It looked rather unfriendly.
Toenail, who had been exploring the glove compartment, tugged Galahaut's sleeve. âLook at this,' he said, âI think it's some sort of instruction manual.'
Galahaut took the booklet and glanced at it. âHey,' he said, âthat's not bad, is it? Here, Bo, how about a compromise? How'd it be if we ran away and fought them at the same time?'
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