God's Little Freak (19 page)

“I think you are right that maybe I should discover m
yself all over again. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I have grown enough to want to grow even more. I don’t want to stop exploring ever again. When I stopped exploring, my life started to become dark and chaotic,” Kevin says.

They continue their discussion along these lines and just before it
is time to go Kevin says, “I suddenly remember: my dad suggested that I talk to Aunt Sally, Brendan’s mother, about the fact that he may have committed suicide because he was gay and didn’t know how to deal with it. He says that maybe it will help her to bring closure about his death, because she blames herself for his death and it wasn’t her fault. I can’t decide what to do. What do you think I should do?” Kevin wants to know.

“You’ve only given me one option. Is there another so that I can
decide?” Dr Barnard asks.

“What do you mean?” Kevin asks
- and then keeps quiet for a while before he says, “Ah, ok, I get it. The other option is that I leave it. I watched
J Edgar
, the movie, where his mother says that she would rather have a dead son than a gay son, when it was already obvious to everyone, and surely to her too, that he was gay. Maybe Aunt Sally feels the same?” he says.

“You will never know until you have talked about it. A person may say
: ‘I prefer a dead son’ until the son is dead and then it is very different. I’m afraid it’s a choice you’ll have to make, but I’d say losing a child is the toughest thing for a parent and losing a child through suicide even more so. One can only hope it would help her, but there are no guarantees. It is hard for me to make an assessment without knowing her, but if she knows why it happened it may help. Not knowing is far worse than knowing. If she believes what you say about her son; that is an entirely different story. Good luck with that!” Dr Barnard says.

On an unusually warm day, late in November, Kevin
is sitting without a shirt on at home in front of his computer. He has finished school for the year and now has to find something to do during December. Most of the people he knows are either going to Mozambique or Cape Town for the holidays. Kevin and his family are staying in Johannesburg for the holiday, their first ever holiday in the city. At least there might be more to do, if he could only find someone to join him.

He logs on to F
acebook as he usually does and then onto another website where he could meet other gay guys. James, a friend he met at the gym, told him about it, but until now he has not met anyone interesting. While perusing the profiles of others, he hears the sound that someone wants to chat with him on Facebook. He clicks to the other screen and sees it is Michael, asking him how he is doing.

Kevin jumps up with joy, rubs his hands together
and has a big smile. He replies, “I’m well! Thanks for finally replying.”

Michael: “
Not online for ages. My life has been hectic.”

Kevin: “What are you doing? Are you in Vryheid?”

Michael: “No, I’m in Germany, in Leipzig.”

Kevin: “Wow
! What are you doing there?”

Michael: “I want to enrol here to study music next year and there are some tests I have to complete.”

Kevin: “Don’t you still have to finish school?”

Michael: “I’m done with school. I’m a year older, remember?”

Kevin: “Oh, yes. So, you will study in Germany?”

Michael: “Yes, I just have to see where. There are far more opportunities for me here. I’m so glad that I left Vryheid when I did,
otherwise I would not have been able to see any of this.”

Ke
vin: ”Yeah, about that… I want to apologise for what I did to you all those years ago. I was so cruel and an idiot, but I know that now.”

Michael: “It’s OK. I’ve forgiven y
ou a long time ago when I realised that if you didn’t act the way you did, I would never have known about the possibilities there are in music outside of Vryheid. It all turned out the way it was supposed to. I can see that now.”

Kevin i
s overcome with emotion and although he doesn’t cry, his eyes are filled with tears.

Kevin
: ”Thanks, Michael. Glad you feel this way. I’ve changed a lot over the last few years and know how much I hurt you back then.”

Michael: “Kevin, I will always remember what we had. Some may call it puppy love, but I don’t
think so. In my world you are my first love and that will never change.”

Kevin: “And you are mine…”

Michael: “Chat later. I have to go now. I’ll call you sometimes. It will be much better talking to you.”

Kevin: “It would. Enjoy!
Love. XxX”

Michael: “
Love you too! xXx”

Kevin
doesn’t want Michael to go. He has waited so long for this moment and now it’s over. “At least Michael doesn’t hate me anymore,” he thinks, but his thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing. It’s his mother who tells him that he should get ready so that they can go and donate blood. He asks her if Klara should be ready too, but his mother says that she’s too young. Kevin’s mother donates blood regularly.

On their way his mother says
, “We all have O positive blood and that is usually in shortage. This year is especially bad and the December holidays have not even started yet. You’re old enough now and should donate blood regularly too.”

Kevin is not very keen on having his blood drawn. Like most people, he does not like needles, but if it can help someone, he will face his fear. While reading the sheet on reasons for self-disqualification, he makes a shocking discovery. It says that if he
has had sex with another man, anal or oral, in the past six months, he should disqualify himself from donating blood.

He thinks
about it for a while. He has never had anal sex, so that’s that, but oral sex? He thinks about it and realises that he hasn’t done anything sexually in the past six months. On the one hand he feels some indignation that he hasn’t, but on the other, at least he can donate blood.

When it is his turn, he lies down on the bed and decides not to look at the nurse putting the needle into his arm. “It’s not nearly as bad as I thought
,” he says to his mother. After a while he looks at how the needle goes into the vein in his arm, and it doesn’t bother him.

On the way home, he asks his mother about the men having sex with men clause and that one should not donate blood when one
has had any such activity for six months.

“It’s there because men who have sex with other men have a greater risk of HIV. That’s part of why I don’t want you to be gay. It’s really not the kind of world where you belong
,” his mother replies.

“But that’s where I am. It’s not going to change. The strange thing is that even if I use condoms or have a relationship with just one partner, the wording of it is such that I would not be able to
donate blood. It’s stupid,” Kevin says.

“They must have something like that
or else it would cost them too much money to test all the blood, which in the end would just be a waste of resources,” his mother says.

Kevin knows there is a lot of talk about HIV everywhere and he
has heard it before that some say gays are more vulnerable to HIV. He looks up statistics on the internet to try and understand it.

What he discovers doesn’t make any sense and
, as is often the case nowadays, he discusses it with God. After a usual chit-chat between him and God, Kevin says, “I don’t understand why gays are singled out as more risky when the biggest demographic who have HIV are straight, black, women.
19
I’m not in any one of those categories, yet I’m regarded as a risk factor. How does that work?”

“I don’t know. You should go and a
sk the people who compiled that form for an answer,” God replies.

“I know why,” Kevin says
. “Because we live in South Africa and you can’t say that blacks are more vulnerable, because that is racist. You also can’t say that women are more vulnerable, because then you’ll have the feminists jumping up and down. And you can’t say straight people are more vulnerable, because that’s just strange, so let’s pick on the faggots because who cares about them anyway?” Kevin says.

“It may be that HIV was originally more prevalent amongst gays, but times have changed and people are just slow to adapt
,” God explains.

“It’s no wonder that HIV keeps spreading, because facts are replaced by political correctness!” Kevin says
, enraged.

“There are other reasons
for it spreading, too. The biggest reason is probably that people do not accept responsibility for their actions and live a life without consequences, which is a delusional life and…” God continues.

“So, let’s say I get or give a blowjob to someone
– that disqualifies me from donating blood. But since I have a blood type that is always in shortage, I can probably still ignore that and donate blood, right? For the greater good?” Kevin asks.

“Absolutely not!
If you do that, you will bear false witness, which means your soul will not benefit from such an action. Everything you do must remain truthful and within the framework of the Commandments or loving thy neighbour as Jesus put it,” God replies.

“But I
am
loving my neighbour by donating blood. That should be greater than the false witness Commandment. If they do not receive my blood, they will die!” Kevin says.

“Then
let them die. Mankind should learn: ignorance kills! You may have the desire to love your neighbour by donating blood, but those accepting it do not love you the way you are. Love works both ways. If you think you can promote love by bearing false witness, you are deluding yourself,” God says.

Kevin is
horrified, “Are you advocating that I should let people die? This can’t be true!”

“You don’t let people die; the ones who compiled that form do, by their ignorance. It’s
on them – their responsibility – not you. As I said: ignorance kills, not only in this area of life but in many other areas,” God says.

“OK, I get it. There is something else I’ve wanted to ask you. I read on the internet that there are some people who believe that Paul, the Apostle, may have been gay
too, because he talks about the thorn in his flesh. Is that true?” Kevin asks.

“I think you should speak to Paul himself. I’ll inform h
im that you want to talk to him,” God replies.

“I can do that?” Kevin asks surprised.

“Of course you can. Jesus spoke to Moses and Elijah. Just as you sometimes speak to Jesus you can also speak to Paul,” God explains.
20

“OK, cool. I’d like that. It wou
ld be an interesting experience,” Kevin says.

The following day, Friday, Marcus returns from university. He is a bit depressed because it is going to be his last holiday before he starts working in January. On Friday evening he feels like going to a club. He asks Kevin whether he wants to go along.

“A club? I never thought of that actually. Sure! I’ll go with you. But I’m not 18 yet. Won’t it be a problem?” Kevin asks.

“I hope not. You look older than 18, so it shouldn’t be a problem. If someone asks you, just say you’re 22, OK?” Marcus says.

Kevin is rather excited to do something with his brother. They have never had much of a relationship and he doesn’t know why. He is used to competing with some or other girl for his brother’s attention. It will probably be the same tonight.

At the club, nobody bot
hers to ask Kevin for his ID and they get in without a hitch. The music is overpowering and he can feel it throughout his body. There are bright lights flashing. In every way the club overwhelms one’s senses. Kevin loves it. Both of them go to the bar first to get something to drink.

On the
dance floor, Kevin and Marcus are dancing. Initially Marcus thinks that Kevin is a bit too extravagant in his dancing style and shows him a few basic moves. Kevin doesn’t mind that his brother corrects him. He would like to be good at this. He concentrates while dancing and looks at others to get some idea what to do.

As no surprise to Kevin, it does
n’t take long before a girl is interested in Marcus. The surprising bit is that her friends are also interested in Kevin. Initially it’s fine, but as time goes on, Kevin finds it a bit irritating, being surrounded by girls. They are constantly at the bar drinking shooters. After a while Kevin wonders: “Who is paying for all of this?” He certainly isn’t paying for anything. His brother is nowhere to be seen.

He
tells them that all this drinking has put him in a mood for dancing again and he heads for the dance floor. On the dance floor, he looks around while dancing. He finds that there are certainly one or two guys who show some interest towards him and he likes that. However, soon enough the girls he had shooters with return and he is surrounded by three girls once again. He catches on to the fact that they are probably interested in his body since they are quite touchy. He doesn’t know how to handle the situation, but continues dancing anyway.

One of the girls suggests
that they go outside. She grabs his hand and heads outside. There are almost as many people outside as inside, but at least one can talk to one another. Kevin feels that the chick he is with is definitely in hunting mode and he doesn’t want to give her the wrong impression. If she spends time with him, it will be a waste. In the end nothing will happen. Although he isn’t interested in her physically, she is quite a sport. He isn’t sure what to do. While she’s talking to him, he interrupts her and says, “I’m sorry, but I am gay. I just thought I’d tell you that now so that…”

“So? We’re just having fun, right? Nobody said anything about sex!” the girl says and makes quite a scene.

“OK, sorry, my mistake. Let’s go dancing again!” Kevin says in order to get her to calm down.

On the dance floor, it doesn’t take long before she drifts away towards someone else, and
he sees his chance to get away from her and heads for the bar.

Kevin gets a Hunter’s since he isn’t in the mood for beer anymore and doesn’t want anything stronger than that. He stays at the bar for a while and thinks about the girl he just danced with. “She definitely was l
ooking for some beef,” he thinks, “but too proud to admit it!”

At the bar, another rather cute guy keeps staring at him and Kevin gets some kind of vibe from him. He doesn’t know what to do and stays where he is. Eventually, the guy comes over and starts talking to Kevin, but slurs his speech and his eyes are unfocused. Kevin c
an’t understand much the guy is saying. He laughs and nods his head every now and then but wants to get away from this drunk, without being rude. Eventually he says, “Let’s go and dance,” and walks away, hoping to lose the guy in the crowd. On the dance floor, he dances again and closes his eyes in order to avoid eye contact with anyone. He likes the music which is trance-like with a fantastic rhythm. He loses himself in it. He experiences his body, the feeling and movement of it, even his breathing, to be completely different than ever before. “Was this what Dr Barnard was talking about?” he wonders. He is really getting into it, when his brother touches him and shakes him and says, “Let’s go home!”