Read God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage Online
Authors: Daniel L. Akin
Children of divorce experience “anger, fear, sadness, worry, rejection, conflicting loyalties, lowered self-confidence, heightened anxiety, loneliness, more depressed moods, more suicidal thoughts,” says the Heritage report, “The Effects of Divorce on America” by Dr. Patrick Fagan and Robert Rector. Compared to kids in intact homes, children of divorce face startling risks. They are twelve times more liable to be incarcerated as juveniles; fourteen times more prone to be physically abused by a single mother, and thirty-three times more at risk if she cohabits; three times more apt to get pregnant, and males commit suicide at sixfold higher rates.
The report also notes that many children of divorce become dysfunctional adults: “Even 30 years after the divorce, negative long-term effects were clearly present in the income, health and behavior of many of the grown offspring.” They have more failed romantic relationships, a greater number of sexual partners, are two to three times as apt to cohabit, are less trusting of fiancées, less giving to them, and twice as likely to divorce. When both are from divorced homes, their risk of divorce is as much as 620 percent higher in early years of marriage. Thus the “marital instability of one generation is passed on to the next.”
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Dr. David Popenoe, a noted family scholar from Rutgers University, explains that there can be no serious debate over this issue: “I know of few other bodies of data in which the weight of evidence is so decisively on one side of the issue. On the whole, for children, two-parent families are preferable… . If our prevailing views on family structure hinged solely on scholarly evidence, the current debate never would have arisen in the first place.”
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Further, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania said, “Most studies show that children in stepfamilies do not do better than children in single-parent families; indeed, many indicate that, on average, children in remarriages do worse.”
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It is disturbing to note that stepfamilies are the second-fastest growing family structure in America. The fastest is created by out-of-wedlock births.
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Even the death of a parent is not as devastating to a child as losing one by divorce or desertion. Why? Single-parent families created by the death of a spouse have a natural protective mechanism distinguishing them from other single-parent families. Dr. James Egan, a child psychiatrist at Children's Hospital in Washington, D.C., provocatively asserts, “A dead father is a more effective father than a missing father.”
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When a father (or mother) dies, he still maintains a place of authority, influence, and moral leadership in the home. Parents who have departed due to death usually leave positive reputations. Their pictures remain on the wall, they are talked about positively, and negative behavior on the part of a child can be corrected with a simple reminder: “Would your dad (or mom) approve of that kind of behavior?” If the father has abandoned the child or was never identified, the answer to that question is either “Who cares?” or even worse, “Who?”
In an article entitled “How Kids Mourn,”
Newsweek
reported:
The death of a parent can have devastating psychological consequences, including anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, underachievement, and aggression. But so can a lot of other things, and losing a parent [by death] is actually less devastating than divorce. “We know that children tend to do better after a parental death than a divorce,” says sociologist Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins, “and that's a stunning statistic, because you'd think death would be harder.”
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Actually there is nothing stunning about this at all. When a child, big or small, loses a parent by death, his mind reasons something like this:
If my daddy could be here, he would be here. But he's dead and so he can't.
On the other hand, if a child loses a parent by desertion or divorce, his mind reasons differently, thinking:
If my daddy wanted to be here, he would be here. I guess he doesn't want to be here, and it must be my fault.
This is the devastating fallout on children wounded by a divorce, a wound we now know often follows them into adulthood.
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And now that the 1990s are history and a new millennium has dawned, additional new research has come forth that makes the argument for marriage with even greater force. As noted earlier, in their blockbuster,
The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are
Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially,
authors Linda Waite, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, director of the Marriage Project at the Institute for American Values in New York, reveal that married women living with their husbands are much less likely to be victims of domestic violence and even violence from strangers than are their single, separated, divorced, or cohabiting sisters.
For most women, marriage is a safe haven. Marriage changes the relationship of the marriage partners for the good, giving them a stake in the well-being of each other and the family in a way other forms of “partnership” cannot. The public promise of marriage changes the way you think about yourself and your beloved; it changes the way you act and think about the future; and it changes how other people and other institutions treat you as well.
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An extensive survey of the data on marriage shows that married people, in general, are significantly healthier, both physically and mentally, than their nonmarried peers:
They are far more affluent, even when living on only one income; women are safer, and men, even from backgrounds at “high-risk” for violence, are far less likely to commit crime; they report more satisfying sex lives than their single peers, even those who are cohabiting; and overall they are significantly happier than folks in any other kind of relationship “arrangement.”
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God knows best. The evidence is absolutely overwhelming and indisputable. He knows best about sex, marriage, and children. And yet we can still have doubts, worries, anxieties, and questions as we approach this divinely ordained institution. Fear can almost paralyze us. How can I know? How can I be sure this is the right person? Has the “case for marriage” received a positive verdict in my own heart? Let me encourage you to keep in mind four things as you attempt to settle this issue.
In my bed at night
I sought the one I love;
I sought him, but did not find him.
I will arise now and go about the city,
through the streets and the plazas.
I will seek the one I love.
I sought him, but did not find him. (vv. 1–2)
MARRIAGE IS THE RIGHT PLACE TO ENJOY SEXUAL
PASSION (VV. 1–2)
A Barna Update
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reported that “the goals that most adults identify as their top priorities in life are healthy living, possessing a high level of integrity, and keeping one marriage partner for life.” These are good and admirable goals, things we hope, and maybe even dream, will come true.
Many Bible scholars believe this portion of Holy Scripture is a dream Shulammite had one night shortly before her marriage to Solomon. It was not a pleasant dream at first. In fact it was more like a nightmare. Still, in the midst of it we learn something of the passionate love she possessed for Solomon. We also receive counsel concerning passion and its relationship to marriage.
SATISFY YOURSELF THIS IS THE RIGHT MATE (V. 1)
Shulammite's desire and passion for Solomon was an all-night affair, and it was intense. She was completely consumed with him in her thoughts. In her bed, where he would soon join her, she longed to have him now.
The themes of “seeking” and “finding” occur four times in these verses. The word translated “sought” or “looked” can also mean to desire, yearn, or long for. There is a feverishness in the word. There is passion. She was certain in her heart (“I sought the one I love”). He was the right man for her.
SAVE YOURSELF FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT (VV. 1–2)
She looked for or sought him, but she did not find him. She arose and, at night, went into and about the city, something dangerous and inappropriate for a young woman in the Middle East to do. So great was her desire for Solomon that she abandoned proper decorum and went in search for “the one I love.” Still she did not find him. Why? The answer is simple: he's not there—yet!
She has saved herself for her wedding night. In so doing, she has honored both God and her husband. Sex, as we have noted, is God's good gift—and one to be enjoyed—but only in marriage. Hebrews 13:4 teaches that the marriage bed is undefiled. It is a place where God says to enjoy the pleasures of sexual passion and to do so fully.
Solomon is not there now in her bed or even at her side, but he will be soon. She has saved herself for the right moment. Understandably she wants that moment to be now, and she misses him. This is the passion God wants us to have for each other in marriage. Such passion is an indication that you have found the right person. Marriage is the right place to enjoy sexual passion.
The guards who go about the city found me.
“Have you seen the one I
love?” I asked them. (v. 3)
MARRIAGE IS THE RIGHT PLACE TO EXAMINE
POTENTIAL PROBLEMS (V. 3)
In her dream Shulammite meets the guards of the city as she searches for Solomon. The significance of the guards in her dream is not all together clear. They could represent nothing important at all. On the other hand they could represent persons of authority and importance, persons of wisdom and counsel who could lend valuable assistance. These are men who “go about the city.” They are wise in the ways of the street. They have observed the habits of humanity. They have seen things. They know.
They find her, and she questions them, “Have you seen the one I love?” Two lessons can be learned from this simple encounter.
PURSUE YOUR SPOUSE WITH HEALTHY ABANDONMENT
She again calls Solomon “the one I love.” She is not ashamed for anyone, even strangers, to know how she feels. She loves him, and she is looking for him. She misses him and needs him. Her anxiety at his absence is normal and to be expected. As time goes on, after they are married, it will be a healthy sign in their relationship that they miss each other when they are apart but also that a security has developed in the relationship that puts fears and anxieties to rest. That there would ever be a day they would enjoy being apart would be a telltale sign that their marriage was in serious trouble.
Charlotte and I knew a couple where the husband traveled a lot, often out of the country. I remember on one occasion seeing the wife and asking if her husband was away on business again, to which she said yes. I said, “It must be hard his being gone so much.” To my surprise she said no. Actually, she enjoyed it when he was away. His absence allowed her to do what she wanted without worrying about him. Charlotte and I were not surprised that a short time later they separated, and eventually they divorced. Pursuing your spouse with a healthy abandonment is to be a lifelong adventure.
PURSUE YOUR SPOUSE WITH HELPFUL ADVICE
Shulammite's asking for help in finding Solomon again reminds us that asking questions, lots of questions, before marriage is wise and good. We should ask questions of others and of each other. It is impossible to know too much. We have already addressed an extensive number of questions couples should work through in preparing for marriage. Let's add a few more.
For many years now (more than fifty!), Dr. Howard Hendricks has taught at Dallas Theological Seminary. During that time he compiled a list he entitled “30 Questions Most Frequently Asked by Young Couples Looking Forward to Marriage.” Let's look at these ourselves and see what young and inquiring minds want to know when marriage is on their mind.
Thirty Questions Most Frequently Asked by
Young Couples Looking Forward to Marriage