Authors: Lyn Gardner
“It’s hardly easy,” Toni whispered, staring at the floor. “I
tried a half-dozen times last night to drink that shit, but I just couldn’t do
it. Every time I got close, I’d think about you, and I knew you’d be the one to
find me. I couldn’t do that, not after all we’ve been through. I wouldn’t have
just destroyed me. I would have destroyed you, too, and I love you too much for
that to ever happen.”
A moment of silence passed between them, and then Kris
reached over and took Toni’s hand. “Talk to me, Toni. What are you thinking?”
“I’m scared, Kris,” Toni said in a breath. “I don’t want to
die, but I don’t know…I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t even know where
to start.”
“I think you just did.”
“Huh?”
“Start,” Krista said, squeezing her hand.
“By pouring that shit down the drain?”
“Yes, and by going out last night with Laura, but I’m
thinking that something happened at dinner that brought all this on. Or am I
wrong?”
Raking her fingers through her hair, Toni let out a sigh.
Getting up, she walked to the window and peered through the pane. “It was such
a strange feeling being...being out there. I was so scared, but Laura, she was
great. She never tried to rush anything or force me to do something I wasn’t
ready to do. She even ordered my meal and arranged for us to have a table in
the back away from all the other people, just so I’d be comfortable.”
“And were you?”
Turning around, Toni said, “At first I was. I was so busy
talking to her and noticing things…things that I had forgotten.”
“Like what?”
“Lots of stuff. The taste of a good steak and Cabernet. The
way linen tablecloths feel, and how the flame of a candle flickers at the
slightest breeze. Even the bloody silverware felt heavy in my hand, and for a
little while, I felt...normal.”
“But?”
“But when we left the restaurant, there were people
everywhere and I panicked...and everything went to shit.”
“What happened?”
Walking over, Toni sank into the sofa. “I fucking froze. I
couldn’t walk. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t even breathe. Christ, I must have
looked like a bloody fool standing there like a statue. I don’t even know how
she managed to do it, but Laura got me into the car and brought me home, but by
the time we got here, I guess my embarrassment turned into anger and I...I sort
of directed it all at her.”
“Sort of?”
“I lashed out at her. I told her I didn’t want her around and
for her to stay the fuck away from me,” Toni said, hanging her head. “All I
keep seeing is her face when she left. She looked so hurt. All she wanted to do
was be my friend, but I don’t know what that means anymore. It’s so hard for me
to trust anyone, to believe that they won’t hurt me.”
“Do you really think she would?”
“No, not intentionally, but it doesn’t really matter, does
it? I fucked it all up.”
“You could apologize.”
“What good would that do? It doesn’t make what I did right, and
I can’t expect her to just accept it and still want to be…to
try
to be a friend. Friends don’t treat friends that
way.”
“Sure they do,” Krista said softly. “You’ve been a pain in my
arse these past few years. Hardly talking to me, most of the time not even
acknowledging I was here, but I’m still your friend, and I always will be. I
know you’re hurting, and I know you’re confused. You don’t know which way to
go, but I think Laura understands that, and in a way, we both grade on a curve
when it comes to you.”
“Must be one hell of a curve!”
“Yes, it is, but you’re worth it. So why don’t you pick up
the phone and call her. Apologize and see what she says. You’ve got nothing to
lose.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“I burned her number last night.”
For the third time in as many minutes, Toni glanced at the
clock, and she still wasn’t sure what time it was. She had spent the entire day
finding it difficult, if not impossible, to keep her mind on her work, her
thoughts always drifting back to an auburn-haired woman whose office was one
floor below. Having every intention of apologizing when Laura arrived that
morning, as usual the woman was late, which left Toni with only one option. As
she looked up and saw five minutes remaining for the class, she took a deep
breath and began gathering papers.
Laura couldn’t remember a worse Monday. After begrudgingly
heeding Abby’s advice, although Laura didn’t try to contact Toni over the
weekend, not thinking about her was another matter entirely. Unable to sleep
more than a few hours on Saturday night and even less on Sunday, Laura arrived
at work later than her usual lateness and then proceeded to spill not one, but
two cups of coffee before the little hand pointed north. She had left her lunch
sitting on the kitchen counter. John had called to say his sick leave would be
extended three more weeks, and the over-the-counter painkillers she had been
popping the entire day, while marvelous for a headache, seemed to have little
effect on cramps. Long story short...Laura wanted to scream.
Noticing the time, Laura’s first thought was to visit Toni
before she left for the day, but remembering Abby’s edict, she gritted her
teeth and looked at the stack of files on her desk. Deciding that working from
home sounded much more appealing than staying at Calloway, she began cramming
papers into her attaché as she said under her breath, “Fuck it!”
“Bad day?”
Startled, Laura looked up to see Toni standing in the
doorway. “Toni! Hi!”
“I’m…I’m not disturbing you, am I?”
“No!” Laura blurted. “I mean...um...no, of course not.
Please...please come in.”
As Toni walked inside, she kept her eyes on the floor and her
hands stuffed deep in her pockets, but when she hesitantly looked up and saw
Laura’s smiling face, the weight of uncertainty was lifted. Where she had
expected to see anger and resentment, there was only friendship and compassion,
and all the words Toni had practiced for the past two days came rushing back.
“I…I want to apologize for Friday night. I had no right to say what I did and
take my…my frustrations out on you. I had a really great time at dinner, but
when we left, it all turned to shit, and by the time we got back to my place I
was…I was…”
“Angry?”
“Yeah, and embarrassed,” Toni said quietly. “And I’m sure I
embarrassed you as well.”
“You did no such thing,” Laura said, shaking her head. “You
were right. John and Kris did talk to me about you, so I know that Friday night
wasn’t easy for you. But all things considered, I think you did great, and you
didn’t embarrass me. Not at all.”
“That still didn’t give me the right to say the things I did,
and I’m truly sorry.”
“Well, apology accepted,” Laura said, reaching for the
painkillers.
Seeing the bottle on the desk, Toni picked it up and looked
at the label. “Headache?”
“Um...no,” Laura said, her cheeks darkening slightly as she
held out her hand.
“Oh, right,” Toni said, handing Laura the bottle. “You know?
Those aren’t really good for that.”
“Where were you yesterday afternoon when I was buying them?”
“In my flat, practicing my apology,” Toni said with a twinkle
in her eye. “I have something in my desk that works a lot better than these.
I’ll be right back.”
Before Laura could say a word, Toni bolted from the room,
returning less than two minutes later with a small plastic container in her
hand. “Take two of these and you’ll feel better. I promise.”
Arching an eyebrow, Laura glanced at the bottle only
momentarily before unscrewing the cap and downing two of the capsules. As she
handed the bottle back to Toni, their eyes met and then Laura held out her
hand. “Friends?”
Toni stared at Laura’s outstretched hand. Her lips parted as
the need for air became great, and then ever so slowly, she reached out and
shook it. “Yeah, I think so.”
A small, friendly grin appeared on Laura’s face, but
remembering what Abby had told her, deep down, Laura was positively beaming.
Toni had just taken a step…
all
by herself.
***
“Hiya.”
It was a habit that Toni was having a hard time breaking,
because when she looked up from her desk and saw Laura, she smiled. “Hi.”
“Done for the day?”
“Yeah, I was just getting ready to leave.”
“How’d you like to join me for a cup of coffee?” When Toni’s
only response was a blank stare, Laura said, “I found a small shop the other
day. It’s really quite quaint. Since most people won’t be out of work for
another hour or so, I wouldn’t think it would be too crowded, and it’s only a
few blocks away. I thought, perhaps, we could walk.”
Toni stiffened. “I don’t walk.”
“Okay, so we drive over.”
“I’m not sure—”
“I promise, if it’s too crowded, or you don’t like it, we can
leave.”
Toni lowered her eyes and scowled. It was the simplest of
offers, but within seconds of hearing it, her palms began to sweat, and her
heart began to race. There was nothing simple about going somewhere new. It
would be unfamiliar and filled with strangers and noise...and Laura. Looking
up, Toni saw Laura smiling back at her, and in an instant, saying no became
impossible. “O-Okay, but you’re buying.”
A short time later, they walked into the coffee shop and
within minutes, Toni began to relax. Just as Laura had said, the place was
charming, and with small round tables scattered about, each having only two
chairs surrounding it, the café reminded Toni of an old-fashioned soda shop.
Quickly leading Toni to a table in the far corner of the
room, Laura gave her a reassuring wink as she went to the counter to order
their drinks, returning a few minutes later with two coffees and the largest
croissant imaginable.
“I’d thought we’d split it,” Laura said as she placed it on
the table.
“I’m not really hungry. I had a rather large apple for lunch
today,” Toni said, her eyes creasing at the corners. Watching as Laura tore off
a piece of pastry, Toni said, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“That first time, why did you leave me the apple?”
“It was all I could think of to do. I knew how difficult it
was for you to trust me, to allow me to see you teach, and after the class was
over, your body language screamed for me to stay away. Then I saw it in my bag
and figured what the hell.”
“And now?”
“Now? Now it just makes me smile.”
***
Knowing that the process of extracting Toni from her shell
would be long, arduous, and at times frustrating, both Laura and Kris agreed
that they would do whatever it took, but they would do it slowly. After two
weeks of playful badgering, Kris finally managed to take Toni to a local market
to buy her own groceries, and like they had done when they had shopped for
Toni’s clothes, they entered the small store just as it had opened. A neighborhood
market, with narrow, cramped aisles, it offered its customers a limited
selection, but with only three other people in the store, Toni soon relaxed and
began wandering the aisles with Kris by her side. Having not stepped foot in a
grocery store for over six years, she marveled at all the new products, and
Kris couldn’t help but snicker, thankful she hadn’t taken Toni to one of the
larger chains. Though Toni still refused to purchase any more than what she
could use in a week, by the time they left, the bags they carried contained
more new products than old.
Between shopping with Krista and meeting Laura for coffee on
the occasional afternoon, Toni’s comfort zone slowly began to expand. She made
a point of visiting Laura’s office a few times a week just to say hello or drop
off grades, and even began chatting with Susan Grant on her cigarette breaks.
Although not yet comfortable to talk to Susan about anything other than the
weather, Toni’s conversations with Kris and Laura were no longer stilted or
stuttered. She still remained in her flat every night, bolting the door against
the terror that lurked outside, but in Toni’s own small way she was learning to
live again…and she liked it.
***
They arrived at the coffee shop later than normal and found
it already beginning to fill with people grabbing their fix of caffeine before
driving home. After finding a secluded table, Laura left Toni for only a moment
to get their coffee, but when she returned Toni appeared edgy and frightened.
Like the tide, Toni’s anxieties seemed to ebb and flow. Laura knew the warning
signs, and right now they were flashing brighter than neon. Sitting down, she
slid a cup in Toni’s direction. “Are you okay?”
Staring at the tabletop, Toni shook her head and then
repeated the motion again and then again.
Puzzled, Laura leaned back and looked around the shop.
Noticing a rather obese man sitting at the counter, his tonnage stuffed into a
prison officer’s uniform, she paled. Leaning closer to Toni, she whispered,
“Should we try to leave?”
A few seconds passed before Toni managed to look up, and when
Laura saw the absolute terror in her eyes, she said, “The ladies' room is right
behind us. Can you make it there?”
All Toni could do was respond with a jerk of her head, but it
was enough for Laura to spring into action. Standing, she waited until Toni did
the same, and tugging on the woman’s sleeve, Laura said, “Come on. Let’s go.”
Once inside the small tiled restroom, Laura let go of Toni
long enough to latch the door, and by the time she turned around, Toni was
sitting on the floor. Her arms wrapped tightly around her knees, she was
struggling to control her breathing, but she was rapidly losing the fight.
“Just relax, Toni. Slow, even breaths. Okay?” Laura said
softly, kneeling by Toni’s side. “You can do it. Nice and easy.”
Toni tried to listen, but her fear was too strong. Her lungs
emptied and filled as she struggled for air, and feeling as if she was
suffocating, she tried to suck in more.
“Shit,” Laura said, opening her handbag. Pulling out a neatly
folded paper bag, she shook it open and placed it over Toni’s nose and mouth.
“Relax, Toni. Remember this? This will help. Just look at me. Look at me, Toni.
It’s going to be okay. Just breathe easy. Slow and easy.”
Like the night in her flat, Toni grabbed Laura’s wrists, but
this time there wouldn’t be any bruises. Concentrating on Laura’s Scottish
lilt, after a few minutes, Toni’s heart slowed and her breathing returned to
normal.
Setting aside the bag, Laura reached up and brushed a few
soaked strands of hair from Toni’s forehead, mentally berating herself when
Toni shrunk away from her touch. “Feeling better?” Seeing Toni’s eyes fill with
tears, Laura said, “This one wasn’t too bad. Please don’t feel embarrassed.
It’s okay. We’re friends. Remember?”
“And friends always carry paper sacks in their handbags?”
“Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but since
I
have a friend who has a tendency to hyperventilate
when she gets stressed, I figured it was the least I could do,” Laura said with
a small grin.
Leaning her head against the tile wall, Toni closed her eyes.
“I’m a fucking nutcase.”
“Oh, stop being so hard on yourself. If I had been through
what you’ve been through, and I saw a...a screw, I’d probably lose it too.”
“Did you actually just say
screw
?”
Toni asked, opening one eye.
Sniggering, Laura sat on the floor. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
“The thing is I felt really good today. I wasn’t nervous or
stressed, and if it hadn’t been raining its arse off, I was going to ask to
walk.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I used to like to go for walks.”
“You did?”
“Yup, but now the only ones I take are on a treadmill.”
“I take it that it’s in your flat?”
“Yeah. Krista thought I needed something to do for exercise,
so when I moved in, she bought it for me.”
“Smart woman.”
“I guess. I did try climbing the walls once or twice, but I
kept falling off.”
Laura beamed at Toni’s attempt to lighten the mood. “So, you
ready to get off the floor or do you need some more time?”
The day had been a small step backward, but after a few more
had passed, the incident with the HMP officer was forgotten. Laura and Toni
returned to their routine, altered by only one thing. If the weather permitted,
they walked, rather than drove, to the coffee shop.
***
“I know it’s not our regular day, but are you up for getting
a cup of coffee today? I’ll buy,” Toni asked as she poked her head in Laura’s
door.
“Oh, sorry, Toni,” Laura said, looking up from her computer.
“I can’t today. I have a date.”
“Really?” Toni said, striding into the room. “Do tell.”
With a laugh, Laura said, “His name is George, and I met him
at a conference a while back. He’s in town for a few days and called to ask me
out. Since you and I don’t usually have coffee on Thursday, I didn’t have any
reason to say no.”
“Wait,” Toni said, tilting her head. “You’re not turning down
dates because of me, are you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You
know
what I mean,” Toni
said, approaching the desk. “You can’t
not
live your life because of me.”
“Oh, Toni, don’t be silly. It’s not like I get asked out
every day or anything.”
“How many times?”
“What?”
“How many times have you said no because of me?”
“Toni—”
“Damn it, Laura, answer the bloody question!”