Authors: Edward Lee
John took a cane chair right of the desk. Beside him was a table on which rested a queer aluminum ashtray stuffed with butts. His nostrils constricted at the tinge of tar.
The psychiatric chief seemed to materialize rather than enter. Dr. Herman stood slender and statuesque and too striking to be a man of this trade. Fine lines composed his face; his hair was dark, modestly styled, and only traceably gray. He reminded John of someone who might be in a Shakespearean troupe, or a historical society.
“Ah,” Dr. Herman said. “You must be John, from upstairs.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Please bear with us. I realize how anxious you must be, but I’m afraid it’s hospital policy that you be interviewed by me before release. I suppose that might seem odd, that such a requirement be meted out by a doctor you’ve never met.”
“Yes, sir,” John said.
“Though my main function here revolves around the out-patient clinic, ward-patient release requires my final authorization, since I am also the administrative chief of the psychiatric branch.”
John didn’t care. He watched Herman sit down and thought how out of place the doctor appeared behind the cluttered desk. It was almost as if the office didn’t belong to Herman at all, but to another doctor.
Dr. Herman placed a hand on a closed folder of papers, what John presumed were his own medical records and psychiatric history. The folder was very thick. “I read over your case earlier,” Herman said. He was sitting erect in the chair, as if uncomfortable. John suspected his face was what made the doctor uneasy. Herman went on. “Most extraordinary. How do you plan to deal with it?”
From afar he heard a sudden, heavy pounding, construction workers on the roof. “Sir?”
“I mean, now that it’s over, how are you going to commence with your life?”
“I’m going to forget it all now,” John lied. “Leave it all behind.”
“Pretend it never happened, in other words.”
“Yes.” It amused John how hard Herman tried not to look at him.
The doctor let a pause hang in the air. “You’re cured now, John. I admit that’s a crude term in this instance, but we view psychiatric illness the way a dermatologist might view a rash. Treatments are applied, and the rash clears. Hence, the original affliction is no longer evident. Many patients pending release hesitate to be honest with me because they believe that I have the power to detain them at the last minute, should my opinion differ with those of the ward doctors. This is not at all true, please understand that. You can get up and run out of this hospital right now, and there’s nothing I could do to stop you. My final authorization is simply to make sure you’ve been out-processed properly. Therefore, you can speak honestly with me. You will do that, won’t you?”
“Of course,” John said. He had to smile; Herman’s entire monologue seemed painfully rehearsed.
“Tell me then, the incident which brought you here is a very strange account.” He glanced briefly at the folder. “Do you agree?”
“Yes.”
The pounding from the roof grew louder, pile-driving thuds that seemed to rock the superstructure of the building. Neither of them acknowledged it. Herman said, “Yet, it is
your
account. It’s something that you, at one time,
believed
most persistently, am I right?”
“Yes…”
Another pause. This time Herman looked John directly in the eye, and asked, “John, do you believe any of it now?”
“No,” John lied. He’d learned the futility of this truth, he’d learned well. “No,” he said again.
“Not even a little bit of it?”
John shook his head. He felt interrogated, but now it was his turn to deliver rehearsed lines. “When I think about that period of my life, I… I can’t believe it happened to me. What’s more, I can’t believe that I believed it, if you know what I mean. It’s more like a dream. Or recalling a dream you once had long ago. It’s a well-engineered dream, but it’s distanced enough to see through, to detect the parts that don’t fit. It’s like having a fever for a week, and when you think about it later, the whole week seems unreal.”
“What we in the business colloquially refer to as the inverted telescope syndrome… But the fever, in your case, was a bit longer than a week.”
“Right.”
Now Dr. Herman relaxed. He folded his hands in his lap and actually leaned back in the chair. “I’m sure you’ll do well on the outside, John. No discipline problems, no memos, you went through the acclimation program with flying colors. Almost like…”
Almost like there was nothing wrong with me to begin with,
John finished in thought. “It was a milk run.”
“So then, what are your plans for the future?”
“It’s weird, but I really haven’t given it that much thought. Won’t have to worry about money, at least, but I don’t plan on just sitting around living off my disability, if that’s what you mean. I’ll take a few weeks to get settled, then start looking for work.”
Herman nodded approvingly. “And how do you feel? How do you feel right now as we speak?”
“Pretty good,” John said. He felt numb. “I know it’ll take some adjusting, with my face the way it is, but I don’t anticipate any problems. I’ve always been pretty much on my own; my face doesn’t bother me. If I’d lost an arm or a leg, then I guess that’d be different. The way I see it, I’m lucky to be alive. So my face got screwed up? Sure, it would be nice to have it back, but I’d rather be ugly and on the street than good-looking in a pine box.”
“An admirable attitude. And how do you feel about your release? Generally speaking, I mean.”
“Great. No offense to your setup here, but I’m happy as hell to be finally getting out.”
Herman leaned forward to raise a finger. “Not just that you’re getting out, but that you’re getting out
healthy.
That’s the important thing.”
“Right.”
“What about medication?” the doctor asked. “Your chart says—”
“Imipramine, four times a day,” John answered. From his pocket he withdrew a container of tiny off-orange pills and held them up for Herman to see; they made a sound like a baby rattle. He’d been spitting them out in the ward toilet for two years now, what universal psych-ward idiom knew as “dogging the meds.” “But, really, the depression hasn’t been a problem for the last year or so.”
“I understand that, but to ensure that it doesn’t become a problem in the future, you must continue taking them, and you must continue out-patient check-ups at least a couple of times per year. Now, your ward doctor has indicated that you’ll be going to Florida, to your original hometown.”
“I feel strange calling it my hometown, since I haven’t actually been there in a long time—probably ten years. But it seems as good a place as any to settle. I may hang around the area for a few weeks to look up some old friends. Eventually, though, I think I will be heading south.”
“Just remember that wherever you do settle, check into the nearest VA hospital and establish out-patient status; that way you’ll be able to continue with your medication free of charge. If you have any problems, any doubts whatsoever, don’t hesitate to come in.”
“Right,” John said. But it was more whimsy. The last thing he’d ever do was come back.
Herman initialed the checklist and the VA Routing Form 10-2875-2; smiling, he said, “I won’t keep you any longer; I’m sure you’re itching to leave. Just follow the directories to travel and baggage claim.”
They both stood up and shook hands.
“The best of luck to you, John,” Herman said.
“Thank you, sir.”
John left. Moments later he was back amid the confusion of the corridors. This time he passed the automat quickly and with caution, holding his breath to avoid the stench of microwaved plastic. The travel unit waiting room was packed; everyone looked irritable and very tired. John hated waiting. He decided he’d pay his own bus fare rather than stand jammed like a canned mackerel.
He took the elevator to the basement. Behind the caged counter in the baggage unit a lean black man with short hair and beard sat atop a stool. He was reading a book called
Night-lust
and seemed electrified.
John flashed him his VA card.
“Out-process?”
“Right.”
Next, John handed him the claim stub. The man disappeared for less than a minute, and returned shouldering an OD-green air-freight bag with a brass lock on its clasps. Apparently the bag had been
fluoroscoped
and sniffed, not opened. John was sure, though, that the additional string bag tied to the top had been opened and searched by MAC MP’s. But it didn’t matter; if they wanted it that bad, they could have it.
The man took out a ledger and said, “I need some info before I can turn over your stuff.”
“Sure,” John said. “Just don’t ask about my sex life.”
The man chuckled. “What ward are you coming off?”
“2D West.”
“And that’s the—”
“The psychiatric ward.”
The man nodded, disinterested. He paid no mind to John’s disfigured face. “Pay grade at time of separation?”
“E-7.”
“MOS?”
“I have ten.”
“Give me the two highest.”
“11 Echo 40, 45 Bravo, Lima, and Zebra.”
“Hey, how do you like that,” the black man said, at once enthused. “I was 11 Echo, too. ‘Clank, clank, I’m a tank.’”
“Hell on fucking wheels, man. We ride in style.”
This time the black man laughed hard. “Give me your C number. I got to make sure it matches the stub.”
“C29541313.”
“Legal first name?”
“John,” John said.
“Not Jonathan?”
“Not Jonathan. John.”
“Middle name?”
“Victor.”
“Last name?”
“Sanders.”
— | — | —
CHAPTER TWELVE
He punched the radio buttons one after another. On one station was a talk show hosted by a botanist. “Root stimulants, such as
indolebutyic
preparations, exist to increase root-to-soil area ratios, to reduce production time of roots, and to extend the overall mass of the root system itself.” The next station played music that sounded like a sawmill. The next station played reggae. And the next—hip hop. Kurt switched the radio off with a vengeance.
He drove through Annapolis
directionlessly
. At least the rain had stopped, but the weatherman promised clear skies for the next two or three days, which meant that it would rain again in a few hours. Last night when he’d taken Vicky to the hospital, the doctor had been vague and had not disclosed the seriousness of her injuries. Kurt would return today before his shift, and he hoped he’d get some answers. He hoped she would be all right. And he hoped this time she would press charges.
Meanwhile, he drove dizzily through strange streets. He lit cigarettes and let them burn down in the ashtray. Several times at traffic signals he found himself stopped at green lights. He’d driven first to the Anvil, and informed the manager that Vicky had had an accident and would be out for at least a week but probably more. The manager had muttered some dissatisfaction, to the effect of: “I got a business to run, you know? If she misses more than two days, I’ll fire her.” Kurt had smiled then, assuring that Vicky’s excuse for missing work was legitimate, and he’d raised the possibility that if Vicky lost her job, the Anvil might very well lose their liquor license through some entirely unrelated quirk of fate. After that, Kurt had gone to Glen’s, for what purpose he didn’t quite know. But Glen hadn’t been home.