Getting Somewhere (33 page)

Sarah has been listening carefully since they all gathered in this room but Ellie's words enter her mind in a jumble that she is unable to efficiently digest. Sarah is trying to determine what “fully aware” or “unrelated” might mean in this context. Why
did
Grace leave? Up until now, Sarah was certain it had something to do with the fact that Grace didn't want to be involved with the program in the first place, wasn't willing to suffer for it, have her name smeared around, defend herself in court, or maybe, Sarah's not sure, even go to jail. Who could blame her? But there's something more, something that has to do with those words, and Sarah tries to imagine them again, like a light bulb and the wires that would connect it to a source of energy, all the ways that things are
related
.

And then, it's like an actual light bulb going on in her head. Sarah sees it. She sees the blood again, just like she has so many times in her memory, but this time, it is not Shannon. It's a woman she doesn't know, blonde hair, large expressive hands, and the blood is pooled, leaving a stain on the floor of the barn that could maybe never be made completely clean, that might be still there. Sarah's never seen a gunshot wound, but she can imagine that it would be just as bad as Shannon's battery, maybe worse. Did Grace see it, see her mother, all the blood? Watch as her grandfather was hauled away for the crime, wonder what she'd done to make everything go so wrong? Was she seeing it again when she heard that the program was in trouble, was being accused of wrongdoing, heard Lauren say that she was going down, that she'd already made sure of it?

Like searing heat scorching her veins, Sarah can, in this instant, feel exactly what she imagines Grace must have been feeling. She said the worst thing was being falsely accused and here that exact thing is happening to her. How would Grace have known what to think, what to wish for, either then or now? Did she want her mother to have committed suicide, or would she have preferred her grandfather to be responsible for her death? How would a twelve-year-old even be able to think about such a choice? How would a woman?

Sarah is watching Ellie now, expects to see the tempest howling just below her skin reflected on the woman's face, but Ellie's is blank, her attention apparently fully focused on Nancy Bobbitt, even though her body looks ready to collapse, her head prevented from dropping to her chest by sheer will.

Ellie pinches her lips into an apologetic smile. “As I said, I don't know how to get in contact with her. I'm sorry.”

Nancy turns back to her papers, flutters her hands over them. She seems dubiously satisfied.

“All right. Under the circumstances, I will have to accept that explanation as adequate for now, though I wouldn't be surprised if this becomes a rather thorny point as we proceed with the review. I believe we have everything we need or everything we're going to get here. You will receive a copy of our findings and conclusion. A review hearing will be scheduled, and you will be notified of that, though you will have no further input until we go to court. I should mention that the committee hearing will also entail a review of Lauren's placement as requested by her attorney. In the meantime, Lauren will need to remain here. Is that going to be a problem?”

Ellie starts to shake her head, say no, but before she can get the words out, Lauren has exclaimed, “Well, it's a problem for me!”

Nancy Bobbitt turns to Lauren in obvious surprise, though she manages to keep her voice even. “Can you tell us why that's a problem?”

Sarah has been staring at the floor, but when she lifts her eyes, they immediately land on Donna who has been quiet throughout the proceedings. Donna is watching her with a concerned look on her face, opens her eyes wide as if with a question when she sees Sarah looking back. Sarah is immediately flooded with a powerful resolve, sees in her mind's eye the image of a girl in a tower, her hands raised to her head, releasing long tresses of golden hair that fall down, down through the window, determined, this time, to save herself.

“It's a problem because she lied about the whole thing,” Sarah blurts out. She can see out of the corner of her eye that Nancy Bobbitt has turned to her, is about ready to speak, but Sarah speaks louder, more urgently, to prevent the interruption.

“I know I should have spoken up before. I . . . I really don't know exactly why I didn't. I mean, a long time ago, when this first started. Lauren made it all up. She called her boyfriend and told him she was being sexually harassed so he would report it to her parents. I heard the call, and she admitted to me that it wasn't true, what she was telling him, that she totally made it up to get the women in trouble. I could've prevented all this, but I just didn't think anyone would believe her and then it got all official and, by then, I don't know, I just thought it was too late, or I was afraid I'd get in trouble or that you would never forgive me or . . .”

Sarah is speaking directly to Ellie, wringing her hands but refusing to wipe the tears off her face. She knows she must be spluttering now, trying to say whatever will convince them that this is all a mistake, that they have to believe her even though she has waited so long to confess. She knows what she has to say might very well make a difference in the outcome, but what's even more important is that she will be a person she can live with after today.

She turns back to Nancy Bobbitt. “You asked me and I answered honestly, but I didn't say enough. Sexual harassment did not occur at this facility. We have much more chance of being harassed at detention or out on the street than we would here in a million trillion years. Lauren is a liar. That's all you need to know.”

Nancy Bobbitt's voice is gentle. “But why would Lauren lie?”

“Because she hates the women and she hates the work and she has some kind of vendetta against gay people. Lying is what Lauren does, how she got here. She even lies about her own brother, saying first that she doesn't have one and then saying she does. See, the thing is, the rest of us have learned here that we're a lot better off if we tell the truth, to everybody else but mostly to ourselves, even if it's taken some of us longer than others”—and she gives Ellie a nervous glance, feels a flood of humiliation—“but Lauren hasn't learned anything here. She's been trying to figure out how to get these guys in trouble from the first day she got here. She's told me lots of times that she's going to bring them down so she can get out.”

“She's told you that?”

“Lots of times. She wanted me to go in on it with her, said it would work better if we all ganged up on them together. I should have resisted better, stood up to her, and I didn't. I'm sorry.”

“I wonder, Sarah, how I can know that
you
are telling the truth?” Nancy Bobbitt asks.

“That's exactly what I'm trying to explain. What motivation would I have to protect these people if they
were
sexually harassing any of us? What could they threaten us with other than going back to detention, which is what we'd
want
to do if we couldn't stand it here? I mean, just think about it.”

“So, you are saying that Lauren made this up, hoping Ellie and Grace would get in trouble, so she could have her placement reviewed?”

“Exactly. And, not only that—I think she thought she could get the place shut down, sort of like revenge. And I don't think she believes she'll have her ‘placement reviewed' either. She believes they are just going to let her go home, especially if everybody thinks this was really awful for her.”

Sarah is out of breath, but she feels light as a balloon. The room and everyone in it seems numb and immobile, like a video on pause and Sarah feels like she is waiting, waiting, and then, it happens. A shift. Slow motion. Nancy Bobbitt is turning to Lauren, as is everyone else in the room. But Lauren is only looking at Sarah, slowly shaking her head, her lips pursed like she's been sorely disappointed.

“My, my,” Lauren coos, her head shaking slowly back and forth. “Must have taken you quite a while to come up with all of that, Sarah.”

Lauren sighs deeply and turns to Nancy Bobbitt. “I guess you must be used to this sort of thing. I don't really know that much about drug addiction, but I'm sure Sarah could tell you all about it since she's never quit the whole time she's been here. Maybe you should be asking about that. Or maybe you should ask Ellie. Ask her about her charges here, how well she manages their drug use. Oh, and their cutting. See, Sarah is going to defend them because they pretty much let her keep doing what she's always done. This whole thing is just a formality anyway, right? The judge will have all the evidence he needs without having to listen to a drug addict at the trial.”

“Is that the evidence you stole from Ellie's room?”

For a second, Sarah doesn't know where the voice has come from, but everyone else seems to. They are looking past her to where Cassie is sitting on the edge of the piano bench where Sarah remembers Cassie sat for their very first group session in this room.

“Excuse me?” Nancy Bobbitt asks Cassie, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees as if talking to a small child. “Was there something you needed to say?”

Cassie is looking down at her lap, finally raises her head with a huge inhalation of breath. “Sarah is telling the truth. I saw Lauren stealing cards and letters and things, I'm not sure what else, from Ellie's room. She said she was borrowing it. I'm . . . sorry. I should have said something. I didn't know it had anything to do with . . . this.”

Nancy Bobbitt glances at Ellie but her real interest is in Lauren. “Is this true, Lauren?”

“I had to. How else was I to get the evidence?”

“Evidence for what, Lauren? What were you trying to prove?”

“That they're . . . lesbians. That they're depraved and shouldn't be allowed to—”

Nancy Bobbitt interrupts. “Lauren, we've been through this. Being lesbians is not what you've charged these women with. You have charged them with sexual harassment. It isn't the same thing, not even close.”

“But I had to. Otherwise no one would have believed me—”

“You had to what? Prove that they are lesbians?”

“Yes!”

“Lauren, were you sexually harassed?”

“I . . .”

“Lauren. I need you to answer the question. Were you sexually harassed by anyone on this property, anyone involved in this program?”

“I could have been. Why can't you see? It doesn't matter. They . . . she . . .” She turns her head sharply to face Ellie. “
She
just kept trying to make us talk about everything all the time. I was suffocating. The others, they . . . they . . . I don't know, just all became part of it, like going along with it all, and I couldn't, I didn't want to, and then it was just like they were all on the inside of it and I was on the outside and I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought someone should know who they really are, that they should have to get in trouble for it. I didn't think I should be the one always getting hurt by everything. . . .”

When Lauren bends at the waist to hide her face in her hands, Tracy Hughes slides forward on her chair, starts to get up, and then thinks better of it. No one speaks until Nancy Bobbitt says, “Lauren, were you sexually harassed by Grace Van Heusen?”

Lauren shakes her head. “No, but . . .”

Nancy interrupts. “Were the accusations in your complaint true?”

Lauren lifts her head, sits up straighter, and folds her arms across her chest.

“No, but . . . I won't stay here. I'm not going to withdraw my complaint if you make me stay here.”

Nancy Bobbitt takes a long breath, releases it slowly.

“All right. We'll see what we can do.” She studies Lauren for a long moment, looks away. “Anything else you need to share with us right now?”

“I just want to know what will happen now, how you're going to get me out.”

“We will begin a review of your placement immediately, but it's still going to take a while. Whether you withdraw your complaint or not, your placement will still have to go before a judge, and that takes time. Once lawyers get involved, things get a little complicated.”

“Why can't I just go home until they decide? Can I talk to my parents?”

Nancy hesitates, bites her lip. “Again, we'll see what we can do. For now, though, this is where you'll have to be. We're all committed to ensuring that you won't be mistreated.”

Lauren heaves a deep sigh. “Little late for that.”

L
AUREN HAS GONE
up to her room, but everyone else has stayed glued to her seat. Nancy Bobbitt is speaking directly to Ellie when she says, “As long as Lauren's family attorney is satisfied with our investigation, which I'm confident he will be, Lauren's placement hearing will not involve any reference to this complaint, and there will be no further investigation or review. No one from your program will need to appear at the placement hearing unless you want to argue that Lauren should remain in your custody.”