Yes. It's exactly what you needed to do. What happened to the men … uh … the ones you replaced?
I do not know. The guard said that they ran.
Well, thank god for that! They're probably halfway back to where ever they came from!
* * * *
Kate wasn't just feeling vaguely unwell by the time she was finally processed and allowed to board and find her quarters. She was exhausted and her head was pounding with the worst headache she recall ever having. A good deal of that, she was sure, was due to the fact that she'd been battered by the hysterical mob that had rioted inside the space center and pretty well destroyed it-well, the mob and the militia. She hadn't been able to see much after Ronan, Dax, and Jarek burst from the men's room as the beasts she remembered. She'd been too busy trying to escape being trampled in the stampede of panicked people trying to avoid being mowed down by the militia in their enthusiasm to shoot the Sirians, but it seemed pretty obvious what had happened.
She'd certainly heard the militia firing and seen the laser impacts!
She was pretty sure the Sirians hadn't had any idea that the 'distraction' they planned would turn out as it had. She wouldn't have expected anything like the panic that had ensued if she'd known what they meant to do!
To say it had been a disaster was an understatement. She'd heard there were at least three people killed in the riot, but there was no telling how they'd been killed-whether they'd been trampled or killed by a stray shot from the militia. The Sirians certainly hadn't hurt anyone, but hundreds had hurt themselves trying to escape.
She'd been trying very hard since the incident not to think about what that reaction meant in terms of relations between the Sirians and the colonists.
If all they had to do, though, was appear to send everybody in a blind panic ….!
She would've liked to think that everyone had already been on edge to the point that it needed only a spark to set them off, but she didn't think that could explain the melee. Her nerves had already been near the breaking point, but she had far more reason to be in such a high state of anxiety than anyone else.
She decided once she'd reached her cabin that she just wasn't up to trying to figure it all out, though. A hot shower might have helped ease some of the soreness and relax her, but she knew better than to think there was any possibility of that. The ship wouldn't be equipped with anything but particle showers. Water would have to be carefully rationed for the voyage, because once they left Earth they wouldn't be able to get supplies of any kind.
Instead, she found something for pain in her baggage and took it, undressed, and climbed into her bunk to try to relax and wait for the painkiller to kick in and ease some of her aches. She didn't allow her mind to drift so much as she focused on avoiding her thoughts to settle on any of the things bothering her. As the tension and pain began to ease, though, her thoughts began to coalesce despite her efforts to avoid facing what she knew she had to.
The Sirians communicated telepathically.
If she was honest, she had suspected something of the kind-except it was deeply in the realms of the unknown and paranormal and as hard to accept as the fact that they could change their entire appearance at will.
It had seemed too fantastical to seriously consider it.
She had to accept it now, though, or consider the possibility that she'd completely lost her mind and she didn't think she'd gone off the deep end.
Accepting that they could and did communicate telepathically opened up a whole new world, though.
She had conceded that they were an important, intelligent species. She'd had to! They'd shown a remarkable ability to adapt and understand the alien world they'd been introduced to.
The ability to communicate complex concepts took them beyond that, though. It meant that they had been communicating the entire time. It meant that their species was a lot more advanced than even she had realized they were.
The disturbing part, to her, was that she had no idea how that worked. The brain wasn't her field of expertise. She had a vague idea that the brain, or at least the human brain, had separate spheres that dealt with different functions. Deep inside the brain was the part that dealt with instincts and habits. It was preprogrammed in a sense. It dealt with unconscious thoughts and urges, making decisions that the conscious mind wasn't even aware of most of the time.
Then there was the cogent part of the brain, the conscious mind where all accumulated data was sorted and conscious decisions made.
Speech, of course, was connected to that-at least part of the time!-but controlled by another part of the brain.
She realized that what she really wanted to know-needed to know-was whether their ability allowed them to probe parts of her mind that she expected to be private.
She thought she could safely assume that they had a way to separate the private from the public since they'd developed telepathy as a way of communicating. She didn't know that, but she thought it could be assumed. They didn't work together, as far as she could see, collectively, as a 'hive' type species that seemed to share one mind. They were individuals, with very different personalities.
She was human, though, and they didn't have that ability in general. There had been cases of a few individuals that had latent telepathic abilities, very underdeveloped, but those were extremely rare. Her brain wasn't 'wired' for it, which she supposed explained why it made her head hurt when she tried it.
Could she find comfort in that, though? Since her brain wasn't wired for it and it had given her a headache trying to do it, could she assume that her private thoughts were her own?
That thought reminded her of several times when she'd experienced a strange disorientation, almost felt like she could feel something moving inside her brain-a tingly, tickling sort of sensation. She realized abruptly that that must have been the Sirians either trying to probe her thoughts or communicate with her.
A little thought produced the unwelcome suspicion that they'd been more interested in her private thoughts than communication, however.
That both angered her and frightened her. She didn't know how successful they might have been in reading her thoughts and she'd been worried and frightened that they might realize what she was up to.
It was some comfort to think they must not have been able to read her mind or they would've known what she was up to. Unfortunately, that still didn't mean that they hadn't picked up some things she didn't want them to know.
Was there a range, she wondered? If she was a certain distance from them would they limited in how much they could 'hear'?
She needed to find out, she realized. She felt violated in an indescribable way that they could invade her privacy and might already have done so.
You've been snooping inside my head! Kate thought angrily.
It had taken a good deal of consideration to come to the decision to try to communicate with the Sirians telepathically. Partly, she'd decided she needed to see if she actually could. She didn't know if she would've been able to before in the space center if Ronan hadn't been reaching out to her and she wanted to know if she could do it herself, reach him, or if it could only be done when he entered her mind.
But mostly it was because the more she thought about the intrusion without her consent, the angrier it made her.
In any case, there couldn't be a safer time to discover what she could about the situation. It had been a week since they had left Earth and the Sirians were still locked in the hold with the other draftees who'd refused to present themselves and had had to be picked up by the military.
She certainly didn't want to wait until the authorities decided to release them to confront them about it!
Ronan? She thought for some moments that all she'd managed to do was either prove that she wasn't capable of 'talking' to the Sirians at all or that she'd imagined the entire thing.
I did not! Ronan responded finally.
Kate considered his vehement denunciation with some skepticism. She knew, somehow, that it was Ronan, but did she really? Could she actually tell the difference between them? It wasn't an actual voice, after all, and individual voices were as recognizable as faces.
Then it was Dax? Or Jarek?
Pain shot through her head when both Dax and Jarek instantly responded with denials. It was almost like someone had bellowed in her ear. She clutched her head with both hands, countering the pressure inside. Don't yell at me! I know it was one of you! I didn't know what it was then, but I do now!
I could not, Ronan responded, his mental voice laced with a mixture of indignation and wariness.
Because it was most definitely a voice. It made you dizzy and ill when I tried.
That's your idea of an apology? An excuse for … peeping inside my head like a damned peeping Tom?
Kate shot back at him in outrage. You tried but it didn't work?
What is apology?
The question irritated the hell out Kate for a second before it hit her that she was talking to them as if they were humans just like she was-and they weren't. It's what we're required to do to get along with other people when we do something that's wrong. We're expected to apologize to the person we wronged. She thought that over. And we're supposed to feel regret, remorse, guilt about wronging them to start with so it isn't just saying you're sorry. It's regretting the action or words.
I regretted that it made you feel ill. I did not intend to hurt you.
Kate considered letting it go at that. That's only half an apology, she said finally, slightly mollified. You aren't supposed to go inside a person's mind like that-even if you can! Some things are private! If I wanted you to know, I would've told you!
He didn't respond for so long that she decided he wouldn't. We did not know if we could trust you. Your people want to kill us.
That was really hard to argue with, Kate decided with some pique. I didn't know if I could trust you, she responded after a moment. Wouldn't it have bothered you if I'd tried to get inside your head?
You cannot.
Her irritation mounted. But you have thoughts you don't share with Jarek and Dax, right? And you wouldn't like it if they could hear them, would you?
It is not hearing.
I know that! And you're being deliberately dense! You know what I mean!
You are angry.
Kate rolled her eyes. I thought I'd already established that! We are not going to be friends if you intrude again.
We are mates.
Kate was pretty sure that was Jarek. The statement was threaded with doubt and she didn't think either Ronan or Dax would have left any room for debate. Ronan was the clear alpha of the three and Dax was nearly as dominate and forceful as Ronan. Only Jarek seemed more inclined to coax rather than insist.
The doubt and confusion in his voice gave her pause when a flat statement of possession daring her to object might have set her back up-probably would have. It appealed to her nurturing instincts, reminding her of the young, frightened creature he had been when she'd found him. She wanted to soothe his anxieties, but she realized she'd allowed the misconception far too long as it was. They were on their way to Sirius now. The Sirians would be returning to their own world and their own kind. It would be far kinder, she decided, to help them to realize that it was inevitable.
I'm human. You aren't even though you're able to make yourself appear to be. I'd like for us to be friends, but we aren't physiologically compatible. Even if we were compatible on other levels, we could never be mates in the sense you mean. We're going to your home world. You'll find a female of your own kind there.
It's my fault you were taken to begin with and I'm sorry, but I'm trying to make it right by helping you to get home.
We are the same and we are mated, Ronan responded.
It was just as she'd feared! They were identifying with humans and it was all her fault that they were so messed up! The realization didn't just distress her, however. It was unnerving and she couldn't think how best to handle it. She didn't think that she could just trust that they would be able to adjust once they reached their home world. She had to do something to help them adjust.
She just couldn't think what that something might be.
They were intelligent, though. Maybe, if they could remain friendly, they would trust her enough to actually listen?
It was important to remain on friendly terms with them for more than just personal reasons or even because she saw it as a moral obligation to try to help them since she was primarily responsible for the situation.
The colonists needed to make friends and allies of the natives or they could be looking at disaster.
She struggled with how to respond when he seemed ready to argue the matter with her if she disagreed and finally decided that it was worth a try to see if the male ego of the Sirian was similar to the human male.
Yes, we mated. And it was … wonderful! I've never felt like that with any human male-not that I've been with that many, she added hurriedly. And all of you are so handsome as humans! It's a shame, really, that you just look human … for me. Because I really do like the three of you! But I know you really need to be with your own kind and that you're going to feel that way once we get to Sirius. It's alright. Really! I understand that you belong with your own kind and that, even though you look human, genetically we aren't the same.
I know you guys don't understand about genetics …. How could you? Trust me, even a lot of humans don't really understand it! Only our scientists that have studied it really understand it.
But that's why we could never truly be mates. We aren't the same inside even though you can make yourselves look the same on the outside.
None of the Sirians responded right away and Kate found herself struggling to read their thoughts since she couldn't see their expressions. Naturally, she couldn't, and she realized that she was still at a disadvantage even if she could communicate with the Sirians better telepathically than she could verbally. She didn't think she'd ever properly appreciated how important visual clues were to conversation. And it went beyond the way a person spoke, the emphasis they put on certain words that could radically change what they said to a different meaning entirely. The expressions that flickered across a person's face or that were reflected in their eyes were just important to understanding their meaning, or the thoughts behind what they said-even their body language played a part.
You are wrong-on all counts. We do understand-completely. Long ago, in the distant memory of the oldest fathers and mothers, we could only change ourselves a little and that was to make it easier to protect ourselves by hiding from predators. But that was not enough. We saw other creatures that could do things we could not and we knew that if we could do those things it would protect us more from the whims of the gods-Mother Ra, our world, her sister, Ne, who brings the storms, and Father Sheva, our star.
And so those fathers who could gather, aligned themselves with the other creatures and took their gifts for our tribe. It has been our way as far back as there is memory.
I chose you to bring the gifts of your people to our clan. We do not just look human. We took your essence and aligned ourselves to mate with you, to give you our offspring so that they would bring the gifts of your clan to ours.
Disbelief flooded through Kate, but a cold wave of fear carried it. The thoughts that instantly bombarded her sent her reeling almost literally. Getting up abruptly, she fled her quarters, trying to outrun the thoughts before they could coalesce in her mind, trying, too, to flee any possibility that the Sirians could read her thoughts-whatever they were.
She had no idea where she was going beyond 'away'. Escape was the dominate instinct guiding her, not actual thoughts. It wasn't until she reached the recreation hall that she realized her instincts had guided her to join her own 'herd', that she'd sought the safety of numbers her primate herd represented.
Her clan.
She pushed that thought aside and looked around blindly, trying to decide what she might do to feel safer. She discovered that Sissy was there and had spotted her. Reluctance immediately assailed her. She didn't feel up to trying to uphold her end of a conversation. She needed to consider what Ronan had told her.
She didn't want to, but she needed to.
"Hey stranger!" Sissy greeted her gaily when she'd managed to run Kate to ground. "I guess you didn't see me waving madly?"
Kate met her friend's gaze, struggling to look happy to see her. "I'm a little distracted," she managed to say finally.
Sissy lifted her brows questioningly. "Oh?"
Kate shook her head, searching Sissy's face for a clue of what might be on her friend's mind-if anything.
Sissy grabbed her arm, looked around, and dragged Kate to a small table and with chairs near one wall.
"You're going to think I'm nuts," she said, her voice filled with some unidentifiable emotion.
Kate forced a chuckle. "I've always thought you were nuts … but in a good way!"
"Well … you know what they said during orientation that first day?"
Kate blinked at her. "They went on for nearly two hours," she responded dryly. "Which part?"
Sissy looked vaguely irritated as if Kate should've instantly picked up on what she was getting at. "The part about the success of the colony hinging as much on children as the other things they talked about before that. And that special privileges would be given to colonists who were qualified and chose to have children?"
She didn't wait for Kate to comment that time.
"Well … I went for an assessment and they told me that I was qualified and I signed up for fertilization!"
Kate felt her jaw drop. She blinked at Sissy, trying to assimilate what she'd said. "You're … uh … you're
...," she stammered.
Sissy laughed, although she looked somewhat unhappy with Kate's reaction. "I've decided to have a baby. They said it'll be a boy. They want to make sure that the ratio is balanced, you know? And, unfortunately, I was a little slow applying and a lot of the women in front of me had decided to have girls. The good news is that the second can be a girl."
Kate stared at her, trying to decide what to say.
"You're speechless. I never thought I'd see the day!" Sissy said jokingly.
Kate blinked several times, trying to get her bearings. "It's just …. It's just …." To her horror, she abruptly burst into tears. She couldn't hold back the tide then, though, couldn't hold in the information she knew she had no business sharing-with anyone. "I think … I think I might be pregnant!" she said baldly.
That time it was Sissy that gaped at her, clearly too flabbergasted to think of anything to say. She wasn't in nearly the state of shock that Kate was in, however. "You mean …. You think those guys you picked up at the club …?"
Kate struggled to contain her loud sobs as much from embarrassment at the scene she was making as to enable herself to talk. "Yes," she wailed.
Sissy seemed to come out of her amazement and dismay sufficiently to realize that they were in a public place discussing something they shouldn't. Her chair scraped the floor as she jolted to her feet abruptly. "Come on. We'll go to my quarters to talk."
Kate wasn't sure she wanted to talk when she hadn't had a chance to think things over on her own, but Sissy was insistent and half dragged, half guided her from the Rec Room and down the hallway to her quarters.
As large as the ship was, it didn't take nearly as long to reach Sissy's quarters as Kate needed to compose herself.
Sissy pushed her toward a chair and headed to her tiny kitchenette. "I'll get you something to drink to help you compose yourself," she muttered, clearly more to herself than to Kate. She stopped abruptly when she'd pulled out a bottle of gin to mix a drink and turned to look at Kate doubtfully. "You shouldn't be drinking if you're preg, right?"