Authors: Penelope Ward

Gemini (16 page)

After an hour of lying on the couch staring at the Christmas lights across the street with my phone in my hand, I knew I wasn’t going to get a response, so I walked into my bedroom and tried to go to sleep.

CHAPTER 14
CEDRIC

I stared at the blazing fireplace in Caleb and Denise’s living room. It was Christmas and my entire family had gathered in New Hampshire to be together and celebrate.

Callie sat on the couch next to me playing on her iPad while Mom helped Denise cook in the kitchen. I could smell the ham cooking and couldn’t wait to sit down to a home cooked meal, especially when my mother was doing the cooking.

Caleb was stocking the bar down in the basement with drinks, since that was where we usually hung out and watched movies after dinner.

Denise had the house all decked out with garland and white lights. Their Christmas tree was huge…tall and fat with a strong pine scent. It was loaded underneath with presents we had opened after brunch this morning.

As
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
played on the iPod speaker, I looked at the fire and couldn’t help but think about what Allison was doing tonight. She didn’t have any family, so who was she with tonight? It took every ounce of my strength not to text her that very question right now.

I looked down at my phone and stared at the text she sent me in response to my message a few nights ago.
And I think you’re beautiful too.
My heart sank. It sank each of the dozens of times a day I stared at those words on my phone.

And I think you’re beautiful too.

I remembered when I received it, I had just returned home from Mom’s dinner party Thursday night. My body had been aching with pent up desire from sitting so close to her and then feeling her soft skin as I cleaned off the spilled coffee.

I had sent her my text twenty minutes before arriving back home that night. I had decided to text her just as I was walking out my mother’s door some time after Allison bolted, leaving me dumbfounded. I could sense that she was running from me that night, but why…I couldn’t understand. If she knew the truth about everything, then running would make sense, but under the circumstances, I couldn’t figure it out.

I had felt like I needed to tell her how I felt anyway because she mesmerized me. I couldn’t stay away and needed to get it off my chest. That night, I had texted her that I thought she was beautiful and I got no response, so I had pretty much given up and decided to drive home and call it a night.

So, later that evening, when I heard my text alert sound as I was taking off my clothes getting ready for bed, my heart had skipped a beat. It could have been anyone, but it was her.

The first text was a generic thank you, which made me feel like shit. Just as I was about to toss the phone across the bed in despair, the phone sounded again. I looked down and my heart started beating rapidly when I saw what she wrote.

And I think you’re beautiful too.

My heart kept pounding and my fingers were ready to starting frantically typing to pour my heart out to her. I wanted to text her back, but I hadn’t been able to put into words what I was feeling.

I remember starting to sweat and breathe heavily when the realization hit me that I actually might be able to have her if I wanted her. Those words she texted were the first confirmation I had received that she returned my feelings at all. Was I really ready to take the next step, knowing where it would lead—that I would inevitably break her heart?

I knew either I was going to tell her I was crazy about her right then and there or that I needed to stay away. There was no in between. This situation was black and white. In my heart, I wanted to let it all out and run to her wherever she was. But I didn’t. I never wrote anything back that night.

Every moment since that night has been consumed with thoughts of her. And now, three days later, it’s Christmas and all I can do is sit here by the fire and wonder about her, yet again.

What I have realized since the night of the text, is that I don’t really have a choice. I thought that by not responding, I could somehow make this situation easier or less complicated, but I can’t. Just the opposite happened, really. My draw to Allison is not a choice. It’s a completely uncontrollable pull that won’t go away, despite the consequences of acting on it. I will never stop wanting her. And I will inevitably hurt her either way, once she learns the truth, whether I am involved with her or not at the time. She is going to find out with or without me. Maybe just maybe, if I can show her who I am and get her to trust me, she will find it in her heart to see past everything. It’s a long shot, but it’s a dream I need to cling to right now. Because I know what I am about to do: I am about to lose control.

My ruminations were interrupted by the sound of my mother’s voice telling me that dinner was ready in the dining room. I pulled myself away from the fire and seated myself next to where Callie was already sitting at the table.

I helped serve my sister food and watched as she began devouring mashed potatoes before anyone else even sat down. I just laughed at how nice it must be to be Callie Callahan sometimes; to not give a shit about the consequences of anything.

As the rest of the family sat down, I led the table in prayer. “Bless Us Oh Lord for These Thine Gifts For Which We Are About To Receive…”

As I continued the prayer and held hands with my sister and mother, I felt truly blessed to be here with these wonderful people and wondered again, where Allison is without a family on Christmas.

We all sat down and began devouring the meal which consisted of ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie, green bean casserole, cornbread and barbecued beans. Denise and my mother were amazing cooks and even better when cooking together.

The family dinner discussion ranged from what movie we would be watching later to the latest gossip from my mother’s church. I continued to stuff my face not contributing much to the conversations.

Then, my gluttonous consumption was interrupted by a shocking and abrupt question from my mother. “Cedric, what was going on between you and Allison the other night?” she asked.

Caleb’s eyes immediately darted toward mine, eager to see my response.

“Why do you ask?” I nervously asked and reached for another piece of bread and started to butter it.

“Well, I am not blind, son. I can see how gorgeous she is and happened to notice the fact that once you got a look at her, you didn’t leave her side all night in Callie’s room, except to change that light bulb. For the record, I think she is amazing and you would be stupid not to go after her.” She winked.

“Who’s Allison?” Denise interrupted.

My brother had clearly been good at keeping my secrets.

“Allison is Callie’s new therapist and your brother-in-law here is smitten.”

I broke in. “Mom, you wanna know something?”

“Yes, honey. What?” She smiled.

Like I said, my control over this situation was dwindling and I responded, “You are absolutely friggin’ right. I was smitten. She is amazing.” I felt a rush of heat in my face at the balls it took to admit that small part of the truth in front of my mother.

Caleb laughed heartily, then downed his beer.

“Well, what are you going to do about it?” she asked.

I shook my head, not knowing what to say or why I even told my mother how I felt about Allison.

Then, she gave me a brilliant idea.

“Cedric, Allison doesn’t come back to work until the Thursday after next because Callie and I are visiting your aunt in Maine. I had meant to give her a Christmas gift at my party, but she left suddenly. I have the gift wrapped in my car. I was going to drop it off at her house this week because I am going to Malden to meet with some people on the board of Bright Horizons. Why don’t you find out if she is home and tell her you are dropping it off as a favor to me tonight?”

It seemed a little nuts. I mean, why couldn’t my mother wait to give her the gift the next time Allison worked with Callie? But if this gave me even a shitty excuse to go to her house and see her, I might need to take what I could get.

I didn’t respond, just sat in deep thought.

Of course, my mother had no idea what I’d really be getting myself into. I hated that my mother thought all of this was so innocent but I had gone too long to ever tell her the whole truth now. I sometimes wished I could get her take on the true dilemma I faced.

“Well, you think about it, Cedric. I am not going to put any pressure on you. She may not even be home,” Mom said before resuming her dinner.

My mother was right. Allison was probably with friends tonight.

As Denise, Mom and Callie cleared the table, I followed Caleb downstairs to the basement to help pick a movie for after dessert and to get his take on things.

“So, Mom’s on to you, huh?” Caleb smirked taking a swig of beer and plopping down on the leather sectional.

“If she only fucking knew. I realized tonight that I am also deceiving Mom with this whole charade.” I sighed.

“Cedric, please. Stop doing this to yourself. You have every right to feel the way you do. You need to let go of the past and move forward. Just think about you and Allison and nothing else. You deserve to be happy, dude.”

“I can’t stop this thing if I tried, man. It’s a runaway train that’s about to derail,” I said as I joined him on the couch, leaning my head back.

Just then, we were interrupted by Mom, Denise and Callie, all of whom were walking down the basement stairs carrying a different dessert and some paper plates and napkins.

We turned on the DVD player and opted for
It’s a Wonderful Life
, mainly because it was Dad’s favorite and he was always here with us in spirit. This movie always depressed me though, even before Dad died. Now, it was even more bittersweet.

My family sat together cuddled on the couch eating apple pie and chocolate cake, transfixed by the movie. Callie was the exception and opted to watch Anderson Cooper clips on You Tube with her headphones on.

I escaped upstairs to sit by the fire again, taking a bottle of Shiraz with me from the basement bar.

I stopped by the kitchen first to open the wine and pour a glass, then returned to my spot on the recliner right in front of the fire in my brother’s living room. The Christmas music still played low from the iPod speaker. I took a sip of the wine and looked down at my watch. It was only 8:30.

I leaned my head back, closed my eyes and imagined Allison straddling me on this chair in front of the fire. Just the thought was enough to make me hard. I shook my head to get the image out so I could think straight. I couldn’t. Remember that runaway train? It was about to derail.

I took my phone out of my pocket, hit her name and typed.

Merry Christmas, Allison
.

Send.

I closed my eyes and held my phone, having no clue whether I would hear from her. My hand shook when I immediately heard it chime back.

Allison: Merry Christmas, Cedric. Where are you?

Cedric: At my brother’s in New Hampshire. How about you?

Allison: I just got home from dinner with my friend Danny.

Danny? Is she dating him? Fuck. And then as if she could read my mind…

Allison: Danny and his boyfriend live over by Fenway Park.

Phew.

Cedric: Ah, I see. Was it a good time?

Allison: Yes, it was. What is everyone doing over there?