Fur Coat No Knickers (14 page)

While I waited, I discreetly put my fingers into my coffee to add moisture to the top seam of my hold-ups. The last thing I needed was another hold-up collapse. My bum was so numb, but I didn't dare move off my chair in the recently-opened coffee shop. No, they were like gold dust. Indeed, I had just witnessed a guy asking someone to mind his chair. As soon as his ba
ck was turned, the chair-thief ran off with it. I wasn’t going to be fooled. Numb bum suits me fine. I just switched the pressure on my bum cheeks every ten minutes or so.

After an hour, I managed to shimmy the chair
(albeit rather noisily) to the other side of the café to flick through an abandoned magazine.
Ugh! They can look up with daggers all they like, the chairs mine, you losers.
I even stood up at one point to tease them and just to show pure defiance, lifted the lightweight chair up with me. Then, after stretching out as though to leave, I pulled up the collars of my beautiful coat and flopped back down again. Well, what the hell else was I supposed to do to pass the time?

After what seemed like an eternity of mindless people-watching, my phone started to ring. It was Travis. They must be boarding at last.

‘Babe, I’m really sorry… The flight has just been cancelled.’

‘
… Please tell me you’re joking?’ I begged, although I already knew he wasn’t.

‘Babe, I’m so sorry
; I’m not joking.’

‘Oh
… (long sigh)’ I replied, trying desperately to stop myself crying like a baby whilst still on the phone. My hissy fit could wait until later. ‘I see.’

‘Babe, I know you’re upset
; I am too,’ he said. I held my breath as his soothing tones washed over me. ‘You get yourself home and text me when you’re back safe and sound.’

‘
(Sigh)… okay,’ I grumbled, swallowing a large lump in my throat.

Staring into oblivion, I shut my phone. I felt numb and in shock. My feet felt glued to the ground. I couldn’t move. It was like I was having an out-of-body experience. The Big-Man upstairs had thrown me a double-whammy.
First my hold-ups - and now this? All that pruning, all this bloody itching.
That was it.
I’m not itching myself through the pocket lining of my fur coat any more.
I wrenched my fur coat back in temper and gave my lady-garden a much-needed scratch. I was almost orgasmic with relief. Everything was throbbing: my head, my feet, my arse cheeks; everything was pulsating and for all the wrong shagging reasons!

Forcing myself to come back to the here-and-now, I began rummaging around in my bag. Eventually I found my car parking ticket under the pile of beauty products and headed to the kiosk to pay.

‘
That’ll be eighty five pounds please, Madame,’ said the bored-looking man behind the Perspex.

‘
Hang on… what do you mean, EIGHTY FIVE POUNDS?!’ I screamed incredulously. ‘I’ve just blown nearly five grand on a date that I didn’t even get to have because…’ I paused to draw breath, doing my utmost not to start bawling then and there,

‘Miss, there’s nothing I
…’

‘DON’T interrupt me!’ I snapped, as I continued on my rant. ‘First
, the fecking flight was cancelled and now you’re suggesting I pay £85 for the pleasure of waiting around for four hours to find that shit out?’

‘As I was just trying to say
… there’s nothing I can do,’ he began, with the practiced patience of one who is used to being yelled at by furious customers. ‘You should have parked in the long stay car park, Miss; the Short Stay is just that… short stay. If you want to dispute it, I’ll give you the address where you can write to complain. But, if you wish to leave the premises with your vehicle today, you will have to pay first.’

With my feet now throbbing
thanks to James and his bright ideas, I took off my shoes and threw them on the ground in protest. I felt so helpless; there was nothing I could do.

‘For feck’s sake.’ I shouted, reluctantly handing over my credit card and watching in mounting fury as he punched in the details.

‘…Your card has been declined, Miss. Do you wish to try again?’ said the car park man, showing me the card reader as evidence.

‘Oh, feck!
’ I spat, through gritted teeth under my breath. ‘Right, just give it back. I will just give you all the cash I have in the whole damn world, shall I?’

‘Thank you
, Madame,’ he said, his face completely impassive as he took the wad of notes I handed over.

I stropped off to the car
park in my stockinged feet with the killer heels dangling from my fingers. And sure enough, the next crisis hit.
Where is my car? I’m sure I parked on the third floor, didn’t I?
Can you not be on my side? Just for once? Please?
I mouthed up to the sky.

Maybe he heard me this time because, after walking a bit further on, I eventually spotted it tucked behind a big van. Both relieved and infuriated, I dashed over to the
car and swung open the door.
Ewww.
I had stepped in a puddle. But by now, I really didn’t give a shit. I just jumped in the car and gunned the engine. After a long sigh, I put the heater on full blast to warm my frozen wet feet and headed for the car park exit.

D
riving away from the airport, I noticed an overwhelming smell…
Is that…
I sniffed and sniffed until I discovered the source.

‘Oh… my… fecking God!’ I burst out loud, banging the steering wheel in protest. ‘I’ve fecking stepped in fecking
PISS! Some
grotty
little wanker
has pissed next to my car. MY CAR!’

At boiling point, I started to have a serious
evaluation of my pathetic life.
Shite. I’ve spent nearly five thousand pounds on a date and I’ve come away without a man, significantly poorer and with sore feet that smell of piss. Feckin’ great!

CHAPTER SEVEN

The following day I was like the Antichrist. I rang Laura and explained the nightmare episode, even though I knew there was nothing she could say that could make me feel any better. Sure enough, her
I-told-you-so
attitude instantly got on my nerves, so I ended the call quickly.

I hated Sundays, they were always so lonely, boring and way too long. The fact that I hadn’t heard from Travis since I had text
him to say I was home safely, made me feel even worse. There
was
plenty to do, of course, apart from chain-smoking and shaking my phone, but I didn’t feel like doing the washing, ironing or any of that crap. I wanted
Travis
. God, I was so hungry for him. I felt miserable and unsettled. Why couldn’t he just text me?
All that effort I went to, all that debt I’m now in and yet, nothing. The cheek of him. Who does he think he is?
He’s Travis… that’s who he bloody is. A fecking gorgeous gobshite. Way-too-busy-Travis; clearly too important to pull his poxy finger out and text me!

Utterly dejected, I sat with my hands in a box of Rice Krispies
, mechanically shoveling them into my mouth.

I shovel
led another handful of Rice Krispies in my mouth and sighed so hard that most of them came flying back out, but I didn’t care. I had every right to be feeling this way. I wanted to feel sorry for myself - and that was that.

Then, I heard a familiar beep of a text coming through and instantly snapped out of my misery-fest. Spitting and choking out the remains of the cereal, I fumbled to pull my phone out of my dressing
gown pocket.

[Text from Siobhan]

I have had the worst night of my life. R u home yet from your shag fest? x

…

[Text to Siobhan]

His flight was cancelled, I feel really down, what happened to you? X

…

[Text from Siobhan]

I don’t believe u!! I’ll b round in 5 mins 4 a cuppa xx

‘Are you okay, Siobhan? You look a little… disheveled,’ I said in a flat tone while I filled the kettle.

‘Am I feck
! I spent the night in the cop shop!’

‘Jesus
! What? Why?’

‘Well, I was minding me own business, driving to Luke’s and I needed some petrol
,’ she began, speaking even more rapidly than usual in her distress. ‘So, there I was with a lit fag, when me mobile started ringing. Thing is, it was in my jeans pocket. I un-did me seat belt and answered me phone. I’ll be honest with you now, I did use me elbow just a little to steer me car as I pulled into the petrol station. So, there I was in deep conversation with me mammy and filling the tank - you know, it is hard to smoke, hold a phone
and
fill up at the same time. I coulda done with three hands so I could. Anyway, I kept the fag in me mouth, so I could hold the phone and fill up me car…’

‘Oh-my-god, you didn’t?!’ I gasped, my eyes widening in horror. I was so shocked by the story I momentarily forgot about my own life trauma.

‘I know, right,’ shrugged Siobhan, ignoring my reaction and ploughing on. ‘I was feckin’ proud of me multi-tasking, so I was. The next thing I knew, the gobshite fuzz was beside me. Well, he thought he was the fuzz when he tried to feckin’ arrest me. So I told him to feck off with himself, and told him, “you’re no policeman, you’re one of dowse community support officers”. Then he only went and rang the real fuzz!’

I winced. I knew there would be more.

‘So I got feckin’ fed up of this
arse
telling me he could arrest me, so I says to me mam, “I’ll have to let you go, but I will get back to you in a bit”
.
Then I put me phone in me pocket and threw me fag on the floor, cus I mean business now right.’

‘Siobhan
…’ I gulped, cupping my face in horror.

‘Tell me about it. Some eejit pretending to be the police, someone had to sort him out. I decided I would do one of those citizens arrest thingies for impersonating the law. So there’s me, right, trying to shove th
is loser into the back of me car, when three feckin’ gorgeous policemen turn up. And what do they do? They feckin’ cuff me and put me in the van, that’s what they do. They only released me an hour ago! The feckers are taking me to court! I don’t even know what for. I don’t see their feckin’ problem,’ concluded Siobhan, shaking her head in genuine bewilderment.

‘I…
I don’t really know what to say… apart from cigarettes and mobiles don’t go with petrol stations,’ I lectured.

‘I hope I don’t go to prison
, but if I do, I hope by then I can go to one that’s mixed,’ she said. Then she grinned: ‘Imagine the wall-to-wall cock!’

‘
Jesus…
that’s not funny,’ I said, struggling to keep a straight face. But her crazy antics got the better of me once again and as usual, I started laughing.

‘So, what happen
ed with you last night then?’ Siobhan asked, turning the tone.

‘Oh
… I don’t want to go through it again,’ I said, waving away the question. ‘Let’s just say, the only part of me that got wet was my bloody foot.’

‘So
… the drought continues for you,’ Siobhan remarked, shaking her head in wonder as she got up to leave. ‘Well, I’ll have to skip the tea because I’ve got to go and see a man about a dog. I’ll call you later to make sure you haven’t hung yourself from the curtain rail. Look on the bright side, at least you now have a fur coat I can borrow.’

After she’d gone, I realised my mood
had
lifted a little. It always did when I saw Siobhan.
Actually
I thought, God love him,
Travis must just be so busy. He
does
have to organise a whole rugby team. Maybe I’m being a little too hard on him.
I decided to send him another text.

[Text to Travis]

Hello gorgeous, I hope you’re ok? What will happen to your flight ticket? Surely they will refund you? Xx

After a few hours of not hearing from him, my thoughts started to shift again. My light mood darkened and I began to feel like I was about to lose the plot again.

[Text to James]  

I’m sure you know about last night from Siobhan, but I haven’t heard from him since!! Do you think he’s had enough already? Xx

…

[Text from James]

Darling
, I heard it all from Jayde this morning. Sweetie do u really think he would sit in an airport 4 hrs if he wasn’t mad about you? Xxx

…

[Text to James]

How does Jayde know? Xx

Hmm, I guess James was right - news certainly travels fast. I glanced at my watch. The day was nearly over and the house was a right mess. I was crunching my way through the sea of dropped Rice Krispies in an effort to start clearing up, when I heard another text come through.

[Text from Travis]

Hiya babe, sorry for the delay. Don’t worry about the ticket. I really want to see you ASAP Xxxxx

Oh the relief! Thank you, thank you!
I jumped up and down in joy and quickly returned a text.

[Text to Travis]

Hi gorgeous, want to see you ASAP too! Don’t worry, I know you’re busy - I’m just so pleased to hear from you Xxx

…

[Text from Travis]

Okay gorgeous, well my work schedule is hectic. I have some free time, but not enough to go out the country. Any chance you could come over to Ireland? Please? Xxxxxx

I was ecstatic, but I had a one big problem: money. I was so stupid to have spent all that money for the meeting at the airport that never happened. If this date was ever going to happen, I really did have no choice but to figure out a way of persuading Travis to pay for my visit. Yet, my pride would never allow me to admit to him that I now had a severe cash flow problem.

[Draft message to Travis]

Are you going to be a gentleman and pay for me?

[Delete.]

[Draft message to Travis]

Spent all my money on a fur coat and knickers

[Delete.]

[Draft message to Travis]

I would love to, but the Salon has hit a quiet spot

[Delete.]

My phone vibrated suddenly.

[Text from Travis]

Let me know if you’re ok to go ahead, I’ll book it for you babe xxx

YES!
The relief. I ran to get my diary.
He must be keen,
I thought, sending two messages that quickly!

[Text to Travis]

Tomorrow’s good for me Xxxx

…

[Text from Travis]

Haha, you’re funny, babe! I like a sense of humor in a woman. How about 10th of Feb? I do have to go to a meeting though early the next morning though Xxx

‘10th of February?’ I shouted out, after reading the text.
How am I supposed to wait for that length of time?

That was a whole feckin
’ two weeks away.
Stay calm Tara, stay calm.

[Text to Travis]

Can’t wait! Book away, sexy Xxxxxx

The next couple of weeks building up to my
trip were grueling. I had to work non-stop in an effort to claw in some money to make up for my stupidity. My mood made for a very uneasy atmosphere in the Salon.

It probably didn’t help that I had my phone practically fused to my hip at all times on constant text alert. I mean how long does it take to book poxy flights? I had given him my details days ago
!

I couldn't help but get totally frustrated with his snail-like responses
- I stomped moodily around the Salon with my head swiveling between hot and cold with anxiety.

‘It’s easy
!’ I spat in temper to the staff and customers, my eyes almost popping out of my head as they looked back at me nonplussed. ‘You just press some buttons on a computer, tick a couple of boxes an
d
voila it’s done. Flight booked.’

Of course
, my meltdown dispersed with immediate effect the moment the textual healing landed on my phone with the flight details. I was euphoric. The staff breathed a huge sigh of relief too, as did my clients.

‘Sorry
,’ I giggled. ‘I haven't been that bad, have I?’

My question was greeted by silence. Clearly I had. Oh well, I was happy now anyway.

The day finally arrived, I woke very early in the morning like a five-year old
at Christmas. In fact the only thing to dampen that overwhelming feeling of excitement was the vile smell of the fake-tan wafting up my nose. I couldn’t wait to shower it off. I wished they would come up with a perfumed fake-tan, one that didn’t leave all the evidence on the bed sheets. I dived into the shower and gently washed myself while trying my best not to rub it all off as I watched the water run orange around my feet.

Whilst packing
for the trip I received a text:

[Text from Travis]

I have a permanent grin on my face, so excited. Can’t wait to see you xxx

I grinned and carried on getting ready, as I was a little behind with my packing. Within a few minutes I received another text.

[Text from Travis]

Are you okay??? Xx

Huh! He makes me wait hours, or even days, for a response and because I haven’t responded immediately, he’s panicking. Good, I thought, it shows he too has a vulnerable side. I will respond when I’m ready, he can just wait.