Full Circle (44 page)

“Why are you hanging on to him?” Russ asked her one day.

“I don't know.” Tana stared miserably at Russ over lunch before court was recessed for the holidays.

“Maybe because in your mind he's attached to your friend.” It was a new idea to her, but she thought it might be a possibility. “Do you love him, Tan?”

“It isn't that … it's that we've been together for so long.”

“That's no excuse. From what you say, you're not happy with him.”

“I know. That's the crazy part. Maybe it's just that it's been so safe.”

“Why?” He pushed her hard sometimes, but it was good for her.

“Jack and I have always wanted the same things … no commitment, no marriage, no kids…”

“Is that what you're afraid of now?”

She took a breath and stared at him. “Yes … I think I am.…”

“Tana,” he reached out and took her hand. “Are you afraid of me?” Slowly, she shook her head, and then he said what she had both feared and wanted most. She had wanted it since they'd met, since she'd first looked into his eyes. “I want to marry you. Do you know that?” She shook her head, and then stopped and nodded it, and they both laughed, she with tears in her eyes.

“I don't know what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make things clear for you. And now you have to clear up the other situation, for your own peace of mind, whatever you decide about us.”

“Wouldn't your daughters object?”

“It's my life, not theirs, isn't it? Besides, they're lovely girls, there's no reason for them to object to my happiness.” Tana nodded her head. She felt as though she were living a dream.

“Are you serious?”

“Never more so in my life.” His eyes met hers and held. “I love you very much.” He hadn't even kissed her yet, and she felt herself melting toward him where they sat. And as they left the restaurant, he gently pulled her towards him and kissed her lips, and she felt as though her heart would melt as he held her in his arms.

“I love you, Russ.” The words were suddenly so easy for her. “I love you so much.” She looked up at him and there were tears in her eyes and he smiled down at her.

“I love you too. Now go straighten out your life, like a good girl.”

“It may take a little time.” They walked slowly back towards City Hall. She had to go back to work.

“That's all right. How about two days?” They both laughed. “We could go to Mexico over the holidays.”

She cringed. She had already promised Jack she would go skiing with him. But she had to do something now. “Give me till the first of the year and I promise I'll straighten everything out.”

“Then maybe I'll go to Mexico alone.” He frowned pensively and she glanced worriedly at him. “What are you worried about, little one?”

“That you'll fall in love with someone else.”

“Then hurry up.” He laughed at her, and kissed her again before she went back to court. And all afternoon she sat on the bench with a strange expression in her eyes, a small smile on her lips. She couldn't concentrate on anything, and when she saw Jack that night, she felt breathless every time she looked at him. He wanted to know if she had all her skiing gear. The condo was rented and they were going with friends, and then suddenly halfway through the evening, she stood up and looked at him.

“What's wrong, Tan?”

“Nothing … everything.…” She closed her eyes. “I have to go.”

“Now?” He looked furious. “Back to town?”

“No.” She sat down and started to cry. Where could she begin? What could she say? He had finally driven her away, with his resentment of her work and her success, his bitterness, his unwillingness to commit. She wanted something now that he didn't have to give, and she knew she was doing the right thing, but it was so difficult. She stared unhappily up at him, sure of what she was doing now. She could almost feel Russ sitting next to her, and Harry on the other side, cheering her on. “I can't.” She looked at Jack and he stared at her.

“Can't what?” He was mystified. She wasn't making any sense and that was unusual for her.

“Can't go on like this.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's no good for either of us. You've been pissed at me for the past year, and I've been miserable.…” She stood up and walked across the room, glancing at familiar things. This house had been part hers for two years, and now it looked like a stranger's house to her. “I want more than this, Jack.”

“Oh, Christ.” He sat down, looking furious. “Like what?”

“Like something permanent, like what Harry and Averil had.”

“I told you, you'll never find something like that. That was them. And you're not like Averil, Tan.”

“That's no excuse to give up. I still want someone for the rest of my life who's
mine,
who's willing to stand up in front of God and man and take me on for the rest of my life.…”

He looked at her, horrified. “You want me to marry you? I thought we agreed.…” He looked terrified but she shook her head and sat down again.

“Relax, we did, and that isn't what I want from you. I want out, Jack, I think it's time.” He was silent for a long, long time, he knew it too, but it hurt anyway. And it spoiled all his plans for the holidays.

He looked up at her. “This is why I believe what I do. Because sooner or later it comes to an end. And it's easier like this. I pack my bag, you pack yours, we say goodbye, and we hurt for a while, but at least we never lied to each other, and we're not dragging along a flock of kids.”

“I'm not even sure that would be so terrible. At least we'd know how much we'd cared.” She looked sad, as though she had lost someone dear to her, and she had. She had cared about him for a long time.

“We cared a lot, Tan. And it was good.” There were tears in his eyes and he came to her and sat down. “If I thought it was right, I'd marry you.”

“It wouldn't be right for you.” She looked at him.

“You'd never be happy married anyway, Tan.”

“Why not?” She didn't want him to say that. Not now. Not with Russ standing in the wings, wanting to marry her. It was like putting a curse on her. “Why would you say a thing like that?”

“Because you're not the type. You're too strong.” She was stronger than he was, she knew. But she had only come to understand that recently, mostly since she had known Russ. He was so different from Jack. So much stronger than anyone she had known before. And stronger than she was. Finally. “You don't need marriage anyway,” he smiled bitterly, “you're married to the law. That's a full-time love affair for you.”

“Can't one have both?”

“Some can. You can't.”

“Did I hurt you that much, Jack?” She looked woefully at him and he smiled and stood up, opened a bottle of wine, and handed her a glass, and somehow she felt as though she had never known this man. Everything was so bitter, so shallow. Nothing in him ran deep, and she wondered how she could have stayed with him for so long, but it had suited her. She hadn't wanted depth during those years. She had wanted to be as free as he did. Only now she had grown up, and as much as the challenge Russ offered terrified her, she wanted it, wanted it more than anything she'd ever done before. She looked into Jack's eyes and smiled at him as he toasted her.

“To you, Tan. Good luck.” She drank, and a moment later she set down her glass and looked at him.

“I'm going now.”

“Yeah. Call me sometime.” He turned his back to her, and she felt a knife of pain slice through her. She wanted to reach out to him, but it was too late. For both of them. She touched his back and whispered one word.

“Goodbye.”

And then she drove home as fast as she could, took a bath and washed her hair, as though she were washing away the disappointments and the tears. She was thirty-eight years old and she was starting all over again, but in a way she never had before, with a man like no man she had ever known. She thought of calling him that night but her mind was still filled with Jack, and she was suddenly afraid to tell Russ that she was free. She didn't say anything to him until their lunch the day he left for Mexico, and then suddenly she looked at him and smiled mysteriously.

“What are you grinning at, Funny Face?”

“Just life, I guess.”

“And that amuses you?”

“Sometimes. I … uh … er.…” He was laughing at her and she was blushing furiously. “Oh, shit. Don't make things so hard for me.”

He took her hand in his and smiled at her. “What are you trying to say?” He had never seen her so tongue-tied before.

She took a deep breath. “I straightened things out this week.”

“With Jack?” He looked amazed as she nodded her head with a shy smile. “So soon?”

“I couldn't go on like that.”

“Was he very upset?” Russ looked concerned.

She nodded, looking sad for a moment, “Yes, but he wouldn't admit it. He likes to keep everything easy and free.” She sighed jaggedly, then, “he says I'd never be happy married to anyone.”

“That's nice.” Russ smiled and showed absolutely no concern. “When you move out, be sure to burn the house down. It's an old custom with some men. Believe me, it doesn't mean a thing. I'll take my own chances, thanks.” Russ smiled ecstatically at her.

“Do you still want to marry me?” She couldn't believe what was happening to her, and for just a minute … just a minute … there was the temptation to run back to her old life, but that wasn't what she wanted anymore. She wanted this … and him … she wanted both marriage and a career, no matter how frightening it was to her. It was a chance she had to take. She was ready now. It had taken her a long, long time, but she had gotten there and she was proud of herself.

“What do you think? Of course I do.” He reassured her at once and his eyes smiled at her.

“Are you sure?”

“Are you? That's more to the point.”

“Maybe we should talk about this for a little while?” She was suddenly very nervous at the thought and he laughed at her.

“How long? Six months? A year? Ten years?”

“Maybe more like five.…” She was laughing, too, and then suddenly she looked at him. “You don't want children, do you?” She hadn't gone that far. She was too old for that, but he only shook his head and grinned at her.

“You worry about everything, don't you? No, I don't want children. I'll be fifty years old next month and I already have two. And no, I will not have a vasectomy, thanks, but I'll do anything else you want to guarantee that I won't knock you up. Okay? Want me to sign it in blood?”

“Yes.” They were both laughing and he paid the check and they walked outside and he held her as no man had ever held her before, pulling her heart right through her soul, and she had never been happier. And then suddenly he looked at his watch, and hurried her to his car. “What are you doing?”

“We have a plane to catch.”

“We do? But I can't … I'm not…”

“Is your court recessed over the holidays?”

“Yes, but…”

“Is your passport in order?”

“I … yes … I think it is.…”

“We'll check when I get you home … you're coming with me … we can plan the wedding there … I'll call the girls … what do you think about February … say in about six weeks? … Valentine's Day? … corny enough for you, Tan?” He was crazy and she was crazy about him. They caught the plane to Mexico that night, and spent a blissful week soaking up the sun, and making love at last. He had waited until she had broken things off with Jack for good. And when they returned he bought her an engagement ring, and they told all their friends. Jack called her when he read it in the papers, and what he said cut her to the quick.

“So that was what that was all about? Why didn't you tell me you were shacked up with someone else? A justice too. That must be a step up for you.”

“That's a rotten thing to say … and I wasn't shacked up with him.”

“Tell that to someone else. Come to think of it,” he laughed bitterly, “tell it to the judge.”

“You know, you've been so damn busy trying not to get involved with anyone all your life that you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground anymore.”

“At least I know when I'm cheating on someone, Tan.”

“I wasn't cheating on you.”

“What were you doing then, fucking him at lunch-time, it doesn't count before six o'clock?” She had hung up on him, sorry that it had to end that way. And she had written to Barbara, too, explaining that her marriage to Russ was precipitous, but he was a lovely man, and when she came out to see her father the following year, the door to Tana's home would be open to her as it had been before. She didn't want the girl to feel that she was pushing her away. And there were so many other things to do too. She wrote to Averil in London, and her mother almost had a heart attack when she called her.

“Are you sitting down?”

“Oh Tana, something's happened to you.” Her mother sounded on the verge of tears. She was only sixty years old, but mentally she was twice that, and Arthur was getting senile now at seventy-four, which was hard on her.

“It's something nice, Mother. Something you've waited for, for a long, long time.”

Jean stared blankly at the far wall, holding the phone. “I can't imagine what it is.”

“I'm getting married in three weeks.”

“You're
what?
To whom? That man you've been living with for all these years?” She never thought much of him, but it was about time they took a decent position in the world, especially with Tana being a judge. But she was in for a shock.

“No. To someone else. A justice on the court of appeals. His name is Russell Carver, Mom.” She went on to tell her the rest and Jean cried, and smiled and laughed and cried some more.

“Oh, sweetheart … I've waited so long for this.”

“So have I.” Tana was laughing and crying too. “And it was worth waiting for, Mom. Wait till you see him. Will you come out for the wedding? We're getting married on February fourteenth.”

“Valentine's Day … oh, how sweet.…” It still embarrassed Tan but it seemed funny to both her and Russ. “I wouldn't miss it for the world. I don't think Arthur will be well enough to come, so I can't stay long.” She had a thousand arrangements to make before she left, and she could hardly wait to get off the phone. Ann had just gotten married for the fifth time, and who gave a damn anymore? Tana was getting married! And to a justice on the court of appeals! And she said he was handsome too, Jean dithered around the house for the rest of the afternoon, in a total state, and she had to go into the city to Saks the following day. She needed a dress … no … maybe a suit … she couldn't believe it had happened finally. And that night she whispered silent prayers.