Full Circle (18 page)

“All right!” She screamed into the phone at her end. “I'll think about it. Can I bring a date?” Maybe it would be more bearable if Harry came along.

“I was expecting that. Why don't you and the Wins-low boy take a lesson from Ann and John and get engaged?”

“Because we're not in love. That's the best reason why not.”

“I find that hard to believe after all this time.”

“Fact is stranger than fiction, Mom.” Talking to her mother always drove her nuts, and she tried to explain it to Harry the next day. “It's as though she spends the whole day planning what to say to me so that it will irritate me the most possible, and she never fails. She hits the nail right on the head every time.”

“My father has the same knack. It's a prerequisite.”

“For what?”

“For parenthood. You have to pass a test. If you're not irritating enough, they make you try again until you get it right. Then after the kid is born, they have to renew it every few years, so that after fifteen or twenty years, they've really got it down.” Tana laughed at the idea as she looked at him. He was even more handsome than he had been when they first met, and the girls went crazy for him. There were always about half a dozen he was juggling at once, but he always made time for her. She came first, she was his friend, in fact she was much more than that to him, but Tana had never understood that. “You're going to be around for a long time, Tan. They'll be gone by next week.” He never took any of them seriously, no matter how desperately they wanted him. He didn't fool anyone, he was careful that no one got hurt, he was sensible about birth control. “No casualties, thanks to me, Tan. Life is too short for that, and there's enough hurt out there without making more for your friends.” But there was no pretense offered either. Harry Winslow wanted to have fun, and nothing more than that. No I love you's, no wedding rings, no starry eyes, just some laughs, a lot of beer, and a good time, if possible in bed. His heart was otherwise engaged, albeit secretly, but other interesting parts of him were not.

“Don't they want more than that?”

“Sure they do. They've got mothers just like you. Only most of them listen to their mothers more than you do. They all want to get married and drop out of school as soon as possible. But I tell them not to count on me to help them out. And if they don't believe me, they figure it out soon enough.” He grinned boyishly and Tana laughed at him. She knew that the girls dropped like flies everytime he looked at them. She and Harry had been inseparable for the past year and she was the envy of all her friends. They found it impossible to believe that nothing was going on between them, they were as puzzled as her own mother was, but the relationship stayed chaste. Harry had come
to
understand her by now, and he wouldn't have dared to scale the walls she had put up around her sexuality. Once or twice he tried to fix her up with one of his friends, just as a friendly double date, but she wanted nothing to do with it. His roommate had even asked him if she was a lesbian, but he was sure that it wasn't that. He had a strong feeling that something bad traumatized her, but she never wanted to talk about it, even with him, and he let it be. She went out with Harry, or her friends from BU, or by herself, but there were no men in her life, not in a romantic sense. Never. He was sure of it.

“It's a hell of a waste, you know, kid.” He tried to talk to her about it teasingly, but she brushed him off, as she always did.

“You do enough of that for both of us.”

“That doesn't do you much good.”

She laughed. “I'm saving it for my wedding night.”

“A noble cause.” He swept her a low bow and they both laughed. People at Harvard and BU were used to seeing them, raising hell, cavorting, playing pranks on each other and their friends. Harry bought a bicycle for two at a garage sale one weekend, and they rode around Cambridge on it, with Harry in a huge raccoon hat in the winter months, and a straw boater when the weather got warm.

“Want to go to Ann Durning's wedding with me?” They were wandering across the Harvard Quad, the day after her mother had harassed her about it on the phone.

“Not particularly. Is it liable to be fun?”

“Not a chance.” Tana smiled angelically. “My mother thinks I should go.”

“I'm sure you expected that.”

“She also thinks we should get engaged.”

“I'll second that.”

“Good. Then let's make it a double ceremony. Seriously, do you want to go?”

“Why?” There was something nervous in her eyes and he was trying to figure out what it was. He knew her well, but every now and then she hid from him, albeit not too successfully.

“I don't want to go alone. I don't like any of them. Ann's a real spoiled brat, and she's already been married once, but her daddy seems to be making a big fuss about this. I guess she did it right this time.”

“What does that mean?”

“What do you think? It means the guy she's marrying has bucks.”

“How sensitive.” Harry smiled angelically and Tana laughed.

“It's nice to know where people's values are, isn't it? Anyway, the wedding's right after we get out of school, in Connecticut.”

“I was going to the South of France that week, Tan, but I could put it off for a few days, if it'll help you out.”

“That wouldn't be too big a pain in the ass for you?”

“It would.” He smiled at her honestly. “But for you, anything.” He bowed low, and she laughed, and he slapped her behind and they got back on the bicycle built for two, and he dropped her off at her dorm at BU. He had a big date that night. He had already invested four dinners in the girl, and he expected her to come through for him tonight.

“How can you talk like that!” Tana laughed and scolded him as they stood outside her dorm.

“I can't feed her forever, for chrissake, without getting something for it. Besides, she eats those huge steaks with the lobster tails. My income is suffering from this broad, but…” he smiled, thinking of her mammaries, “… I'll let you know how it works out.”

“I don't think I want to know.”

“That's right … virgin ears … oh, well.…” He waved as he rode off on their bicycle.

That night, she wrote a letter to Sharon, washed her hair, and had brunch with Harry the next day. He had gotten nowhere with the girl, “The Eater” as he called her now. She had devoured not only her own steak, but most of his as well, her lobster as well as his once more, and then told him that she didn't feel well and had to go home and study for exams. He got nothing whatsoever for his pains except a large check at the restaurant and a night of good, restful sleep, alone in his bed. “That's the end of her. Christ, the trouble you have to go to, to get laid these days.” But she knew from all she heard that he did fine most of the time, and she teased him about it all the way to New York in June. He dropped her off at her apartment and went on to the Pierre. When he picked her up the next day to go to the wedding, she had to admit that he looked spectacular. He was wearing white flannel slacks, a blue cashmere blazer, a creamy silk shirt his father had made for him in London the year before, and a navy and red Hermes tie.

“Christ, Harry, if the bride had any sense, she'd ditch this guy and run off with you.”

“That headache I don't need. And you don't look bad yourself, Tan.” She was wearing a green silk dress almost the exact same color as her eyes, her hair hung long and straight down her back, and she had brushed it until it shone, just like her eyes, which sparkled as she looked at him.

“Thanks for coming with me. I know it's going to be a bore, but I appreciate it.”

“Don't be silly. I didn't have anything else to do anyway. I'm not leaving for Nice until tomorrow night.” And from there he was driving to Monaco, where his father was picking him up on a friend's yacht. Harry was going to spend two weeks with him, and then his father was dropping him off and going on with friends, leaving Harry alone in the house on Cap Ferrat. “I can think of worse fates, Tan.” He was hinting at the hell he would raise, chasing girls in the South of France, and living in the house alone, but it sounded lonely to her. He would have no one to talk to most of the time, no one who really cared about him. On the other hand, she was going to spend the summer being smothered by Jean. In a moment of weakness, feeling guilty for the independence that had been so hard won, she had agreed to take a summer job, working for Durning International. And her mother was thrilled.

“I could kill myself every time I think about it.” She groaned to Harry every time the subject came up. “I was nuts. But I feel so sorry for her sometimes. She's so alone now that I'm gone. And I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her, but Christ, Harry … what have I done?”

“It won't be that bad, Tan.”

“Want to make a bet?” Her scholarship had come through for the following year, and she wanted to make some pocket money to spend. At least this would help. But it depressed her beyond words to think of spending the whole summer in New York, living with Jean, and watching her kiss Arthur's feet at work every day. The very thought made her sick.

“We'll go to the Cape for a week when I come back.”

“Thank God for that.” They exchanged a smile as he drove her to Connecticut, and a little while later, they were standing in Christ Episcopal Church with the rest of the guests, painfully hot in the stifling June air, and then mercifully they were released and they drove to the Durning house, passing through the enormous gates, as Harry watched her face. It was the first time she had been back since the nightmare night two years before. Exactly two years in fact. And there was a thin veil of sweat on her upper lip as she thought of it.

“You really don't like it here, do you, Tan?”

“Not much.” She glanced out the window and looked vague as he watched the back of her head. But he could sense something inside her go tense, and it was worse once they parked the car and got out. They wandered down the receiving line saying the appropriate things. Tana introduced Harry to Arthur and the bride and groom, and then as she ordered a drink, she saw Billy staring at her. He was watching her intently, and Harry was watching him, as he wandered away, and Tana seemed to be in a stupor after that. She danced with Harry several times, with several people she didn't know, chatted with her mother once or twice, and then suddenly in a lull, she found herself face to face with Billy.

“Hello there. I wondered if you'd come.” She had an overwhelming urge to slap his face, but instead she turned away. She couldn't breathe just looking at him. She hadn't seen him since that night, and he looked as malevolent as he had then, as weak and evil and spoiled. She could remember his hitting her, and then …

“Get away from me.” She spoke in a barely audible voice.

“Don't be so uptight. Hell, this is my sister's wedding day. It's a romantic event.” She could see that he was more than slightly drunk. She knew that he had graduated from Princeton a few days before and he had probably been drinking nonstop since then. He was going into the family firm, so he could screw around and chase secretaries. She wanted to ask him who he'd raped recently, but instead she just started to walk away and he grabbed her arm. “That was a pretty rude thing to do.”

She turned back to him, her teeth clenched, her eyes wild. “Get your hand off of me or I'm going to throw this drink in your face.” She hissed like a snake, and suddenly Harry materialized at her side, watching her, seeing something he had never seen before, and also noting the look in Billy Durning's eyes.

Billy Durning whispered one word, “whore,” with a vicious look in his eyes, and with a single gesture, Harry grabbed his arm and twisted it back painfully until Billy groaned and tried to fight back but he didn't want to make a scene and Harry whispered in his ear, as he gripped his tie with his free hand, nearly choking him.

“Got the picture, pal? Good, then why don't you just take yourself off right now?” Billy wrenched his arm free, and without saying a word, he walked away as Harry looked at Tana. She was shaking from head to foot. “You all right?” She nodded, but he wasn't convinced. She was deathly pale, and her teeth were chattering despite the heat. “What was that all about? An old friend?”

“Mr. Durning's adorable son.”

“I take it you two have met before.”

She nodded. “Not very pleasantly.” They stayed for a little while after that, and it was obvious that Tana was anxious to leave so Harry suggested it first. He didn't say anything for a while as they drove back to town, and he could see her visibly unwind as they put some distance between them and the Durning house. He had to ask her then. Something so powerful had been in the air, it frightened him for her.

“What was that all about, Tan?”

“Nothing much. An old hatred, that's all.”

“Based on what?”

“He's a complete prick, that's what.” They were strong words for her and Harry was surprised, and there was no humor in her voice. “A rotten little son of a bitch.” Tears burned her eyes and her hands shook as she lit a cigarette, which she almost never did.

“I figured you two weren't the best of friends.” Harry smiled but she didn't respond. “What did he do to you, to make you hate him so much, Tan?” Somehow, he had to know. For her sake and his own.

“It's not important now.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it's not!” She was shouting at him, and there were suddenly tears rolling down her cheeks. None of it had healed in the past two years, because she hadn't allowed the air to get to it. She hadn't told anyone except Sharon, hadn't fallen in love, hadn't gone on any dates. “It doesn't matter anymore.”

He waited for her words to die down. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” He handed her his pocket handkerchief and she blew her nose, as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

“I'm sorry, Harry.”

“Don't be. Remember me? I'm your friend.” She smiled through her tears and patted his cheek, but something terrible had come back to haunt her again.

“You're the best friend I've got.”

“I want you to tell me what happened with him.”

“Why?”