Full Circle (10 page)

“Does she know who your father is?” Freeman Blake had just won another Pulitzer, and everyone in the country knew his name, whether they had read his books or not.

“I don't think she can read.”

“Give her an autographed book when you come back from the holidays.” Tana grinned and Sharon roared.

“She'd die.…” But it still didn't solve the problem of the Halloween dance. In the end, Sharon went as an excruciatingly sexy black cat, in a black leotard, her warm cocoa face peeking out, her eyes huge, her legs seeming to stretch forever, and after an initial tense moment or two, someone asked her to dance, and she was on the floor all night long. She had a terrific time, although none of the girls talked to her, and Tana was tucked into bed and sound asleep when she got home just after one o'clock. “Tan? … Tana? … Tan … ?” She stirred faintly, lifted her head, and opened one eye with a groan.

“D'ya have a good time?”

“It was great! I danced all night!” She was dying to tell her all about it but Tana had already turned over in bed.

“I'm glad … g'night.…” Sharon watched the other girl's back and wondered again why she hadn't gone, but nothing more was said, and when Sharon tried to bring it up again the next day, it was obvious that Tana didn't want to talk about it. The other girls began going out after that. The phone in the downstairs hall seemed to ring all the time, and only one boy called Sharon Blake. He asked her to a movie and she went, but when they arrived, the ticket taker wouldn't let them in. “This ain't Chicago, friends”—he glared at them as the boy blushed a deep, anguished red—”you're in the South now.” He addressed the young man, “Go home and find yourself a decent girl, son.” Sharon was reassuring when they left.

“I didn't want to see it anyway. Honest, Tom, it's all right.” But the silence was agonizing as he drove her back, and finally when they reached Jasmine House, she turned to him. Her voice was sultry and soft, her eyes kind, her hand like velvet as she touched his. “It really is all right, Tom. I understand. I'm used to this.” She took a deep breath. “That's why I came to Green Hill.” It seemed an odd thing to say and he looked questioningly at her. She was the first black girl he had ever asked out, and he thought her the most exotic creature he had ever seen.

“You came here to be insulted by some turd in a movie house in a one horse town?” He was still burning inside, he was angry for her even if she was not.

“No,” she spoke softly, thinking of her mother's words, “I came here to change things, I guess. It starts like this, and it goes on for a long time, and eventually no one gives a damn, black girls and white guys go to movies, ride in cars, walk down streets, eat hamburgers anywhere they want. It happens in New York. Why shouldn't it happen here? People may look, but at least there they don't throw you out. And the only way to get to that point is to start small, like tonight.” The boy looked at her, suddenly wondering if he'd been used but somehow he didn't think he had. Sharon Blake wasn't like that, and he had already heard who her father was. You had to be impressed by someone like that. And he admired her more after what she had just said. It confused him a little bit, but he knew that there was truth in it.

“I'm sorry we didn't get in. Why don't we try again next week?”

She laughed at that. “I didn't mean that we had to change it all at once.” But she liked his spunk. He was getting the idea, and maybe her mother hadn't been so wrong. Maybe it was all right to serve a cause after all.

“Why not? Sooner or later that guy'll get tired of kicking us out. Hell, we can go to the coffee shop … the restaurant across town.…” The possibilities were limitless and Sharon was laughing at him, as he helped her out of the car and walked her into Jasmine House. She offered him a cup of tea, and they were going to sit in the living room for a while, but the looks they got from the other couples sitting there were so ominous that eventually Sharon got up. She walked him slowly to the door, and for a moment she looked sad. It would have been so much easier at Columbia UCLA … anywhere in the North … anywhere but here.… Tom was quick to sense her mood, and he whispered as he stood in the open door. “Remember … it doesn't happen overnight.” He touched her cheek then and was gone, as she watched him drive away … he was right, of course … it didn't happen overnight.

And as she walked upstairs, she decided that it hadn't been a totally wasted night. She liked Tom, and wondered if he would call her again. He was a good sport.

“Well? Did he propose?” Tana was grinning at her from the bed as Sharon walked in, and groaned.

“Yeah. Twice.”

“That's nice. How was the movie?”

Sharon smiled. “Ask someone else.”

“You didn't go?” She was surprised.

“They didn't let us in … you know … white boy … brown girl … ‘Find yourself a
decent
girl, son.…’ “ She pretended to laugh but Tana could see the pain in her eyes, and she frowned.

“The shits. What did Tom say?”

“He was nice. We sat downstairs for a while when we got back, but that was even worse. There must be seven Snow Whites sitting downstairs with their Prince Charmings, and all of them had their eyes glued on us.” She sighed and sat down, looking at her friend. “Shit … my mother and her bright ideas … for about a minute outside the movie house I felt very noble and brave and pure, and by the time we got back, I decided it was really a huge pain in the ass. Hell, we can't even go out for a hamburger. I could starve to death in this town.”

“Not if you went out with me, I'll bet.” They hadn't gone out to eat yet, they were too comfortable where they were, and the food was surprisingly good at school. They had both already gained three or four pounds, much to Sharon's chagrin.

“Don't be so sure, Tan. I'll bet they'd raise hell if I tried to go somewhere with you too. Black is black and white is white, no matter how you look at it.”

“Why don't we try?” Tana looked intrigued, and the next night they did. They walked slowly into town, and stopped for a hamburger and the waitress gave them a long, slow, ugly look and then walked away without serving them, as Tana looked at her in shock. She signaled for her again, and the woman appeared not to see, until finally Tana walked over to her, and asked if they could order their dinner now, and the waitress looked at her with chagrin.

She spoke in a low voice so that Sharon wouldn't hear. “I'm sorry, honey. I can't serve your friend. I was hoping you two'd get the idea.”

“Why not? She's from Washington,” as though that would make a difference, “… her mother is an attorney and her father has won the Pulitzer twice.…”

“That don't make no difference here. This ain't Washington. It's Yolan.” Yolan, South Carolina, home of Green Hill.

“Is there anywhere in town we can eat?”

The waitress looked nervously at the tall green-eyed blonde, there was a hardness in her voice that suddenly frightened her. “There's a place for her just down the street … and you could eat here.”

“I mean together,” Tana's eyes were as hard as green steel, and for the first time in her life she felt something tighten in her spine. She almost wanted to hit someone. It was a feeling she hadn't known before, an unreasoning, helpless rage. “Is there anyplace in this town where we can eat together, without taking the train to New York?” Tana glared at her, and slowly the waitress shook her head. But Tana wasn't moving an inch. “Okay, then I'll have two cheeseburgers, and two Cokes.”

“No, you won't.” A man appeared from the kitchen behind where they stood. “You'll go back to that damn fancy school you two come from,” they were easily spotted in Yolan. Sharon's clothes alone were enough to draw attention anywhere. She was wearing a skirt and sweater her mother had bought her at Bonwit Teller in New York. “And you can eat anything you damn well please there. I don't know what's gotten into them over there, but if they let niggers into the school, then let them feed 'em over at Green Hill, we don't gotta feed 'em here.” He looked pointedly at Tana, then at Sharon where she sat, and it was as though an enormous force had entered the room, and for a minute Tana thought he might physically throw them out. She hadn't been as frightened or as angry since she'd been raped.

And then, ever so quietly, and in her graceful, long-legged, ladylike way, Sharon stood up. “Come on, Tan.” Her voice was a sexy purr, and for an instant, Tana saw the man's eyes almost paw at her and she wanted to slap his face. It reminded her of something she never wanted to think of again, and a moment later she followed Sharon out.

“Son of a bitch.…” Tana was fuming as they walked slowly back to school, but Sharon was amazingly calm. It was the same feeling she had had the night before, with Tom, when they hadn't let them into the movie house. For an instant, there had been a quiet surge of power, an understanding of why she was there, and then depression had set in. But tonight, the depression hadn't hit her yet.

“Life is strange, isn't it? If this were in New York or L.A., or almost anywhere else, no one would give a damn. But down here, it's all-important that I'm black, you're white. Maybe my mother is right. Maybe it is time for a crusade. I don't know, I always thought that as long as I was comfortable, it didn't matter if things like that were happening to someone else. But all of a sudden that someone else is me.” Suddenly she knew why her mother had insisted on her coming here, and for the first time since she'd arrived, she wondered if she'd been right. Maybe she did belong here after all. Maybe she owed it to someone else for all the time that she had been comfortable. “I don't know what to think, Tan.…”

“Neither do I.…” They were walking along side by side. “I don't think I've ever felt so helpless or been so mad.…” And then suddenly Billy Durning's face came to mind, and she visibly winced, “Well … maybe once.…”

They suddenly felt closer than they ever had before. Tana almost wanted to put an arm around her to protect her from more hurt, as Sharon glanced over at her with a gentle smile. “When was that, Tan?”

“Oh a long time ago.…” She tried to smile, “… like five months.…”

“Oh yeah … a
real
long time ago.…” The two girls exchanged a smile and walked on as a car sped by, but no one bothered them, and Tana wasn't afraid. No one would ever do to her again what Billy Durning did. She would kill them first. And there was a strange ugly look in her eyes as Sharon glanced at her. “Must've been pretty bad.”

“It was.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Her voice was as soft as the charcoal gray night, and they walked along in silence for a time as Tana thought. She had never wanted to tell anyone about it before, not since she'd tried to tell her mom.

“I don't know.”

Sharon nodded, as though she understood. Everyone had something they didn't want to share. She had a secret like that herself. “It's okay, Tan.” But as she said the words, Tana looked at her, and suddenly the words burst from her, almost of their own.

“Yeah, I do.…” And then, “I don't know … how do you talk about something like that?” She began to walk faster as though to run away, and Sharon followed her easily on her long, graceful legs, unconsciously Tana ran a hand through her hair nervously, looked away, and began to breathe harder than she had before. “There's nothing much to say.… I went to a party after I graduated in June … my mother's boss's house … he has this real little shit of a son … and I told my mother I didn't want to go.…” Her breath was coming in little short gasps and Sharon knew she wasn't aware of it as they hurried along. She knew that whatever it was, it was torturing the girl, and it would be better if she got it out. “Anyway, she said I had to go anyway … she always says that … that's the way she is, about Arthur Durning anyway, and his kids … she's blind to what they are, and…” the words stopped, and they walked on, hurrying, hurrying, as though she could still run away, and Sharon kept pace, watching her as she struggled with the memories and then began to speak again, “… anyway, this dumb boy picked me up and we got there … to the party, I mean … and everyone got drunk … and the dumb guy who brought me got drunk and disappeared and I was wandering around the house … and Billy … Arthur's son … asked me if I wanted to see the room where my mother worked, and I knew where it was.…” There were tears running down her cheeks now, but she didn't feel them in the wind, and Sharon didn't say anything to her, “and he took me to Arthur's bedroom instead and everything was gray … gray velvet, gray satin … gray fur … even the rug on the floor was gray,” it was all she could remember, the endless field of gray and her blood on the floor afterwards and Billy's face, and then the accident, she could barely breathe thinking of it, and she pulled at the neck of her shirt as she began to run, sobbing now, as Sharon followed her, keeping close, staying near. She wasn't alone anymore, there was a friend running through the nightmare with her and it was as though she sensed that as she went on, “… and Billy started to slap me and he pushed me down … and everything I did…” she remembered the helplessness again now, the desperation she felt, and suddenly in the night air she screamed and suddenly she stopped, burying her face in her hands, “… and I couldn't do anything to make him stop … I couldn't.…” Her whole body was shaking now as Sharon took her quietly in her arms and held her tight, “… and he raped me … and he left me there with blood all over me … my legs and my face … and then I threw up … and later he followed me all down the road and he made me get in his car and he almost hit this truck,” the words just wouldn't stop now as she cried and Sharon began to cry with her, “and we hit a tree instead and he cut his head and there was blood all over him too and they took us to the hospital and then my mother came.…” And suddenly she stopped again, and with her face ravaged by the memory she had tried to flee for five months, she looked up into Sharon's eyes, “and when I tried to tell her, she wouldn't believe anything I said … she said Billy Durning wouldn't do a thing like that.” The sobs were deep and wracking now, and quietly Sharon held her tight.

“I believe you, Tan.”

Tana nodded, looking like a bereft little girl. “I never want anyone to touch me again.”