From What I Remember (39 page)

I still can’t remember how we got back to Manuel’s or what happened when we did. Hopefully, nothing much. But if I did actually lose my virginity, I’m just going to have to chalk it up to drunken stupidity. And if I got married, well, I’ll get it annulled, move on with my life, and never, ever think about it again. Luckily, I don’t ever have to see Max after graduation. New York City will erase the shame of this whole affair. I’d rather walk back to La Jolla than get in a car with Max, Charlie, and Lily.

I grab my backpack and head for the door, but Will takes my arm, stopping me. “Sweetie, you might want to throw on some clothes before we head back to Cali. Trust me, the border police are a pretty conservative bunch.”

I look down and realize I’m only wearing my bra and panties.

I search the floor and see the Mexican dress from last night. It’s the last thing I want to put on, but I have no idea where my other clothes are. I snatch it off the floor, and I’m about to throw it on when I’m hit with a wave of nausea that nearly knocks me over.

I run to the bathroom, lean over the toilet, and puke my guts out.

A lovely image, I’m sure. I’m practically naked, vomiting, possibly married, potentially a huge slut, and most likely late for graduation. Ending the year with a bang.

“I’ve got it,” I hear Will say.

Someone takes my hair and pulls it away from my face. I look up to see Will standing above me. Disappointment blasts through my body. I thought it might be Max. What kind of fool allows herself to be deceived over and over and over again?

“You okay?” Max asks. Like he gives a shit. He’s standing in the doorway, keeping his distance, I’m sure.

“Yeah, great, peachy,” I say.

“MAX!” Lily yells from the bedroom. “We’ve got to get out of here. We’re going to be late.”

“Be right back,” Max says to me. And like some kind of automaton, he races out to her.

“Don’t bother,” I say.

I can hear Lily berating Max. I’m not really listening to the words; they all run together in a high-pitched, earsplitting blur. But I do hear two words from Max that make my blood curdle and my heart collapse—“temporary insanity.” It’s pride-swallowing, soul-crushing to hear him characterize our night that way.

Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him.

And I thought it was love. Boy, was I way off.

I lean over the toilet and throw up again.

ey, man, everything okay?” Manuel says, as Lily and I pass him on our way out the door.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about all the noise. Big misunderstanding.”

“No worries.” Manuel looks at me for a beat. He knows what went down, but he’s too cool to say anything.

“Thanks for everything, Manuel.”

“No problem,
amigo
. Hope I see you again soon.”

“You will, man. You will.”

“You want some coffee or some food for the road?” Manuel asks. He’s such a good guy, I actually get a lump in my throat. I don’t deserve his kindness.

“No, no. We’re good. We’ll probably just stop in town.”

Manuel disappears down the hall, probably to talk to Kylie. I feel bad that Manuel’s generosity has been met by drama and tears. He doesn’t need this shit in his house. No one does.

“Who’s he?” Lily wants to know.

“Manuel. It’s his house. We met him yesterday. He’s a friend of Kylie’s dad. Awesome guy.”

“I’m so sure,” Lily says, no interest in concealing her disdain for anyone having anything to do with Kylie.

“You’re an idiot, Max,” she says as we exit Manuel’s house. She’s referring to the fact that I’ve just told her what happened, in the most abridged version possible.

“It was stupid. I know,” I admit.

I can see Charlie sitting in the car, waiting for us. Lily is walking slowly, shaking her head, like she still thinks I’m lying to her. She’s in no rush to get to the car. She’s not done carving out her pound of flesh.

I’m sure a huge fire is raging through her body right now. Luckily, she’s keeping things in check, so I’m just getting residual smoke. We’re speaking—it’s not pleasant, but it’s a huge improvement over fifteen minutes ago when I was pretty sure she was going to strangle me with her bare hands. Seriously, all one hundred pounds of her could have taken me. Lily is a force to be reckoned with, which is exactly why I told Charlie to come alone. Man, what part of that didn’t he understand?

“It all sounds like complete bullshit,” Lily says again.

“I know. Even to me. It was just, one thing led to another and then we were stranded in Mexico. No passports. No way home.”

I’m just being contrite. Not saying much. Lily needs a punching bag. Anything I say can, and will, be used against me. I’ve just got to take my medicine and then, hopefully, get the hell back to La Jolla. At least I caught sight of the wedding ring in time and slipped it off my finger and into my pocket. A ring on my finger in the middle of this argument would not have helped things. At all.

“That is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. I mean, what were you thinking?”

“I guess I wasn’t. I just kind of followed Kylie. I thought she was gonna get herself killed, and so—”

“And so you went after her like Superman or something? All that for some weirdo you barely know. What is wrong with you?”

Lily’s description of Kylie hits me hard. I want to defend her. But I don’t. I know that’s not going to help things at the moment. It’s only going to make it worse.

“Look, I don’t know. Temporary insanity, like I said.” I don’t have the will to fight Lily, to bother telling her the truth. What would it matter anyway? Kylie wants nothing to do with me, so what is there left to fight for?

The one thing I don’t say is that I wish it had never happened. Because that’s not true. If I hadn’t jumped into the truck, I never would have spent the day and night with Kylie. It may have only been one day, but it was the best date of my life.

“Maybe you were thinking with your dick.”

“I told you, I just felt bad for Kylie. We didn’t have sex.”

“Since when did you give a shit about crazy Kylie Flores?”

“Since I got to know her. She’s not the weirdo we thought.

She’s actually pretty cool.” I can’t help myself. I won’t let Lily keep bashing Kylie.

“Spare me. I don’t want to hear about how you guys are suddenly besties.”

“Look, Lil, it was messed up but it wasn’t intentional. I wanted to be there with you for the last day of school. I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, you didn’t seem super sorry. Especially when you were curled up in bed with Kylie.”

I’m not sure how to respond to that. I’m sorry I almost got myself killed. I’m sorry I hurt Lily. I’m not sorry about Kylie. How exactly do I say that? I don’t.

“Like I told you, we had a lot to drink and then we just fell asleep. I feel bad you had to walk in on that.”

“Yeah, me too. The image will forever be etched into my brain. Were you trying to hurt me?”

“Of course not.” I sigh deeply because this is such a typical Lily conversation. “Everything is not about you, Lily.”

“I wish people would stop telling me that.”

“Sometimes shit happens. For no reason at all. This is one of those times.”

I look over at Lily and see the tears pooling in her eyes. She looks like broken glass. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have. She doesn’t deserve it. I don’t need to shove whatever this thing is with Kylie down her throat.

“Honestly, Lil, nothing happened. That’s why I told Charlie to come alone. I wanted to explain everything when I saw you. It looks worse than it is.”

Lily doesn’t say anything. My head is pounding like crazy. It feels like we’ve been talking for three years now. I don’t know how many more rounds of this I can take. I can’t help wondering what Kylie is thinking right now. Is she thinking about me? About last night? Regretting everything? Will she ever want to see me again?

I wanted to stay with Kylie, make sure she was all right, but Will practically shoved us out the door.

I get it. My girlfriend walking in on us wasn’t exactly the best scenario for the morning after. I fucked up. I’ve disappointed everyone, including myself.

Lily’s delicate shoulders start to shake with sobs as she cries quietly, her thin arms wrapped tightly around her stomach to calm herself. I have to push out thoughts of Kylie right now. What’s the point? I’ve got to man up, take care of Lily.

“Lil, I’m not going to lie to you, stuff happened between me and Kylie, but it wasn’t about sex. It was more like talking.”

“Talking? You never want to talk,” Lily says accusingly, like I’ve just pulled a gun on her.

“I like to talk. Just not all the time.” This is a lie. But I don’t have a good defense.

“Are you breaking up with me, Max? Because, if you are, I don’t think I can handle it right now. Please don’t. I’m begging you. I’ve got a lot going on and…” Lily’s voice drifts off, and she starts sobbing again.

My heart breaks for her. Lily may not be my soul mate, in the way I thought Kylie was last night, but she’s been my girlfriend for almost a year. I can’t do this to her. It’s not fair.

“I’m not breaking up with you, Lil. Yesterday was a…mistake.” Right now, I just want to make Lily feel better. And get in the car and head back to Freiburg. I’ll worry about the rest later.

“Okay. Good.” Lily collapses into me. I pull her close. She smells like lemon and ginger, the shampoo she always uses. This is such a familiar place, it’s hard not to just relax and fall into the same old patterns.

“It’s okay, Lil,” I say as I stroke her hair.

“Is it, Max?”

Lily looks up at me, beaten, broken. Last night, with Kylie, I would have said without a moment’s hesitation that things between Lily and me were done. But now, in the harsh light of day, with Kylie hating me and Lily in pieces, the night has given way to the realities of the morning.

Lily leans in and kisses me on the lips. It doesn’t feel the least bit sexual. More like a kiss from a friend. But maybe I’m just feeling numb from everything.

“Don’t break up with me,” Lily pleads.

“Okay,” I say.

“You’re my soul mate. If we’re going to make it, we’ll have much more than this to weather.”

Maybe last night was just a blip on the radar. A crazy Mexican dream.

“You know what, Max? We don’t have to tell each other all our dirty little secrets. It’s cool. If you say nothing happened, then nothing happened.”

“Nothing happened,” I say again. Less and less convinced that it’s true. Everything happened.

“I just want to know we’re okay.”

“We’re okay,” I say.

“’Kay, let’s head back to La Jolla,” Lily says.

And just like that, Lily has rallied. I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s so Lily—a whirlwind of ever-changing moods. It’s better than her staying pissed. Only problem is, are we really okay? I don’t know. I look at her—her gorgeous body showing through her thin T-shirt and shorts, her long blond hair pulled into a messy ponytail, revealing her flawless face. She’s beautiful, like a
Sports Illustrated
swimsuit model, like a Barbie doll. Are we okay? Maybe. I know all her junk, and, in a way, that’s a relief to not have to learn someone else’s stuff from the beginning. But is that enough? Maybe not. Shit. I am out of my league here. I thought I could handle these types of situations, but I’m crumbling.