Fragile Bonds (24 page)

“
Not problem solved, you freak,” I respond, rolling my eyes. “How is that going to make anything better?”

“No one would talk about poor Jacob and how the only woman he can look up to as a mother lives in a different building,” he points out and I think he truly believes everything
he’s saying. If only life was so simple in the real world. I miss the uncomplicated days when I didn’t get involved with anyone, especially my first love who is now a widower with a son. “Plus, you’d save money. Maybe you could be a stay-at-home mom, waiting for him to get off the bus every day and you could have dinner on the table when Xavier comes home.”

“You’re delusional,” I sigh. “The problem isn’t the living arrangements. I don’t even know if Xavier
wants
things to get any more serious than they already are. Hell, we slept in the same bed last night and he didn’t even try copping a feel.”

Tyler swings his lean legs over the side of the chair, bending at the waist so his face is inches from mine. “You two got hot and heavy the first time around. If I’m not mistaken, you slept with him less than a week after you met. And look where that got him. Can you really blame him for going slower this time? Especially seeing as he’s probably pretty messed up in the head over his wife’s death.”

I dig in my tote bag for my cell phone as it starts chirping incessantly. Looking at the display, I smile when I see a text message from Xavier.

Bray has Jacob for the night. Know of any beautiful women who might like to go to dinner and
a walk along the lakeshore?

“Oh, my God, you’re so in love with him I think I’m going to be sick,” Tyler mocks me as I tap out my reply. “Seriously, girl, stop worrying about the future and enjoy the giddy schoolgirl look you’re rocking right now. Whether you have a title or not, you’re already acting like Jacob’s mom and doing a damn good job at it. It’s psyching yourself out that’s going to steal your happiness.”

I wrap my arms around Tyler’s neck, needing to get home to find something to wear and wash the sweat and sunscreen off my skin. “Thanks, Ty. For everything.”

“Anytime,
girly. It’s good to have you back.” He plants a wet kiss on my cheek before releasing me, causing a few curious glances from the bored housewives working on their tans. “Now, go get glammed up and show that man what he’s been missing for so long!”

Tyler sends me off in a fit of giggles after delivering a sharp swat to my backside. I run across the parking lot, wanting to take my time to get ready.

Over an hour later, I barely recognize myself. My hair is pulled back in a neat French braid, the stray hairs have been plucked from my eyebrows, giving them a shape that creates the illusion that my eyes are huge. Deciding to heed Tyler’s advice, I even dug under the bathroom sink for my makeup bag. I’m sure most of it is expired, but it’ll have to do for now. Between working and then everything that’s been going on this summer, personal grooming has taken a bit of a back seat. My only saving grace is that it’s hot and humid during the summer, otherwise my legs would likely resemble those of Sasquatch.

I step out of my bedroom, wearing a
cute dress that I picked up on a whim last year without knowing if I would ever take off the tags. The simple cream, spaghetti strap top and floral print, flouncy skirt are more whimsical than most items in my closet, but now that I’m wearing it, this was probably one of my best purchases ever. When I look up and see Xavier almost salivating as his eyes travel the length of my long legs, I know I’ve made the right decision.

“Wow,” he says breathlessly as he crosses the room
. His arms circle around my waist, pulling me close to his body. We stand in the center of my living room, neither of us saying a word, but saying so much with only our eyes. When it’s just the two of us and I’m not thinking about everything that could go wrong, I have faith that he is my soul mate and there’s a reason we were brought back together the way we were. “You look amazing! Almost too good for me to take out in public.”

“Thanks, I think,” I laugh, playfully drawing my lip between my teeth. His sapphire irises darken as he watches my mouth and there’s no denying that I’m affecting him, based on the growing erection I feel pressing against my body. Xavier’s hands trace the lines of the thin cotton top of the dress, heightening my need for him. “We need to get going. You promised me a night out and I fully intend to see if you can deliver on everything I’m looking forward to.”

I purse my lips, dangerously close to telling him
exactly
how I’d like to see tonight end. He may have awakened a part of me I thought was nearly dead long ago, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to beg him to make love to me. That decision has to be his. 

It’s been so long since I’ve planned a date with anyone, I’m nervous that Melanie won’t like what I have planned for the evening. I want tonight to be a time for us to block out everything we’ve allowed to become a priority in our lives so we can work on us. Braydon was right this morning, I need to make Mel understand that she’s the woman consuming my mind. And more importantly, she deserves to be the woman I go out of my way to make happy every single day.

There’s a gentle breeze blowing off the lake as we sit outside one of my favorite grills on the Square. I’m hoping she’ll appreciate the combination of casual simplicity and elegance provided by the setting. Brightly colored tables line the sidewalk and the Capitol sits directly across the street from us.
I reach for Melanie’s hand as she stares into the distance, unable to make eye contact with me.

“Are you okay, babe?” I ask, my thumb tracing small circles across the back of her hand. She turns her head to me, flashing a smile that would make me go weak in the knees if I were standing. As it is, it’s definitely having an effect on parts of my body below the waist.

“I’m good. I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m a bit nervous. I just realized that this is our first date,” she laughs. “How screwed up are we? Four years of history, we’ve been back together for two months and this is the first time you’ve ever taken me on an actual date.”

I sit back, thinking about what she’s saying, certain this can’t be a first for us. I may have been a self-centered bastard, but I always thought of myself as being a bit of a charmer when I was younger. Wining and dining was the key to making women putty in my hands.
I had wooing women down to a science; a few nice dinners where I could learn what they liked and what they didn’t, followed by a night planned to make me seem like their Prince Charming. By the end of the fourth date, they were willing to do anything I asked of them. It’s not right, but it worked for a long time.

I swallow hard when I can’t come up with a single time that I gave Melanie that treatment.
Perhaps it’s because I always knew she wasn’t the same as the other women. She was never the person I wanted to hang onto like a new toy until I got bored. Even when our arrangement was supposed to be something casual, based solely on sex and allowing each of us an outlet for a side of ourselves many didn’t understand, mine Dominant and hers submissive, she was more. I fooled myself for a long time into thinking I could keep love out of our relationship, but my heart wouldn’t allow that.

If I loved her as much as I claimed to, as much as I know I did, how could I allow myself to treat her as less than a play partner in that aspect?

“Wow, you’re right,” I say resignedly. “How did you stay with me that long and I never once made you feel special?”

As I wait for her to answer, I promise myself that,
if she’ll allow me, I will do my best to make it up to her. This is a new time for us and I’m not going to allow what we have to become something boring and comfortable. There are times when both of those are appropriate, but it’s more important for her to feel cherished. We may not be able to have spontaneous nights out on the town, but I will make a concerted effort to do something small on the days when life won’t allow for wine, roses and romance.

“You made me feel special, you just did it in your own way.” She leans over, sweetly kissing me.
Her soft, sweet lips press firmly against mine, never deepening the kiss and not rushing. I can taste a hint of her raspberry lip gloss lingering on my mouth as she pulls away. “And it’s not like we didn’t do things together, you just didn’t make a big deal of it and we never called it dating. I guess we fell into spending time together and it was a foregone conclusion that we’d be together every day when I wasn’t in class.”

I summon her closer with a crooked finger. “
Nothing
about you should be a foregone conclusion,” I whisper in her ear, feeling her body tense as my warm breath caresses her skin. “I’m sorry you ever felt that way, but those days are over. I love you and will do my best to make sure you know it.”

I slide my chair closer to hers at the small table. There’s no way we can sit like this once our food arrives, but for now, I want to be as close to her as possible. If I thought it wouldn’t get us disapproving looks from the other diners, I would pull her over so she could straddle my lap.

After one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time, we start walking, hand-in-hand to the lakeshore. While it’s nothing compared to walking in the sand as the ocean crashes against our feet, there’s a certain comfort to be taken from making this particular walk with her. When Melanie was a student at the university, we spent many weekends at James Madison Park, lying on a blanket in the grass, watching groups of guys playing football or Frisbee.

“It’s nothing bad,” I promise her even though I’m still a bit anxious. This is the moment where everything will be out in the open. Once I tell her where my head is at, there will be
no turning back. It means that, once again, I’m going to be giving up the control that I hold so tightly most of the time. “I want to talk to you about what Jacob said this morning.”

Her body tenses. This is why I’ve avoided trying to define our relationship. We are a complex puzzle and the thought of trying to put the pieces together is nerve wracking. “Xavier,
it’s fine. I know he misses his mom. I think it’s natural for him to wish he had someone to fill that emptiness in his life.”

Her words do nothing to soothe my mind. “But he doesn’t want someone, he wants
you,
” I remind her. “And while I want that too, someday, I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. I need to know that you’re with me because you love me, not because you feel like you need to save us.”

Melanie turns her body, draping one leg over my lap. Her hands cup the neatly trimmed stubble on my face, holding firm so I can’t look away from her. And right about now, I need to look away because the tender look in her eyes is tearing at my heart.

“I don’t want to be your savior. If I thought that’s why you wanted to be with me, I would have walked away. But there’s a difference between saving you and being with you because I love you and want to help in whatever way I can.” She slides closer, carefully arranging her skirt as she wraps her other leg behind my back. “I love you and Jacob and that has nothing to do with Alyssa. That has to do with the fact that part of me has always loved you and he’s such an amazing kid, I couldn’t help but fall for him.”

She speaks with such conviction that her words erase any doubt in my mind that she is with me completely of her own free will. “You have no clue how happy I am to hear that. But please, don’t feel like I expect you to take over as Jacob’s mother. You know me well enough to know that I don’t get
scared often, but you terrify me,” I admit, turning to look out over the gently rolling waves. “When you’re in my life, it feels like every plan I make is blown apart. What I think I should do falls by the wayside because of how drawn to you I am. And you are a nurturer. You have always wanted to help people and make things better for others. That pressure led to bad choices by both of us in the past and I can’t have that happen again.”

“Xavier, a wise man once told me that trust is everything. You need to
trust me
when I say I know exactly what I’m getting into with you. Just like I have to trust that you are only with me because you love me.” She pulls my head down to place a kiss on my temple before resting her forehead against the side of my head. “And I do,” she whispers.

“I do trust you. I know there are going to be days when you think about Alyssa. I know there are going to be times when you feel overwhelming guilt for being with me because you think you’re betraying her.” I nod as Melanie continues talking, verbalizing every fear racing through my head.
“And since we’re laying it all out on the table, I will say that there are times when I feel like I’m always going to be second best. I know that might not be fair to you, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wish you had done more, pushed harder to get in touch with me after that night. I’m not sure if or when that feeling will go away.”

I throw my hands in the air, beyond frustrated and feeling as if there’s always going to be something keeping her from fully trusting me. I know it’s my own fault for being an idiot when I was upset that she went to that party without telling me, but that doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow. My throat tightens, choking off every rebuttal I can come up with. I want to make her see that she has never been second best in my mind, but I don’t want to be defensive.

I stare past her toward the end of the gravel path, the night I told her to leave replaying in my head.

“This is Xavier,” I answer when my cell phone rings. Devon Cardinal never calls me, which is the only reason I answer. I wouldn’t say that we’re friends, but we’re both involved in some of the local kink community events. Even if we were close, I know there are plenty of things happening tonight that should be taking precedence over calling me.

“Hey Xavier, it’s Devon. Sorry to bother you, but I have something I think you need to know.” His voice is quiet and I can hear music bumping in the background. My spine stiffens as I sit at the square table in my hotel room. It’s bad enough that I have to spend the entire weekend trying to oversee this hospital transition, but I have a feeling my night is about to get even less pleasant.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I ask, distracted by something on the television.

“Um…I just…” I take a deep breath, trying to rein in my annoyance at his inability to form a coherent sentence.

“Spit it out,” I snap.

“Sorry, this is just uncomfortable for me,” he apologizes. The man is such a little weasel, I’m not sure how he has managed to weasel his way into any sort of leadership position. “Did you know that Melanie is at the Emporium party tonight?”

The pounding in my ears is deafening as my blood pressure spikes. I know Devon well enough to know he wouldn’t be calling me if he wasn’t certain, which means Melanie lied to me. She fucking lied!

“Xavier, say something,” Melanie pleads, snapping me out of the horrible nightmare that I wish was a dream. “I’m sorry if that upsets you, but I feel like you deserve to know what I’m feeling if we’re going to make an honest effort this time around.”

Time slows so that what I know is only seconds
, feels like long minutes before I’m able to compose myself enough to speak. I’m pissed at myself for giving her a reason to feel like a thrift store find and I’m livid with her for throwing our demise back in my face. It was
her friend
that turned into a rabid pit bull, thwarting every attempt I made to rectify the situation.

“You have every right to feel that way, but I have to tell you that you’re wrong. The only reason it has taken me as long as it has to talk to you about all of this is because
I
needed to know that I wasn’t trying to replace Alyssa with you.” She’s probably going to be upset with me for being so blunt, but it’s the truth. No matter how painful it may be that is the least I can give Melanie after everything we’ve been through.

“It took hearing Jacob being so frank with you this morning to realize that if my
five-year-old son can tell you exactly what he wants, then I should be able to as well,” I continue. I shift my body, trying to get comfortable. When I’m too close to Melanie, I feel like I can’t think because her scent is intoxicating. When I move further away from her, I feel the loss of her body near mine. I can’t win. “And then talking to Braydon today, he finally got it through my thick skull that we have something special. Crazy and complicated, but what we share is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. Not twice, once.”