Forgiveness (6 page)

T
HE DAY WILL COME WHEN YOU RECOGNIZE THAT FORGIVENESS IS THE ONLY WAY BACK
…

He was withholding my granddaughter. I could see her only when he said so and only if I played by the rules he set. It didn’t matter that I called two or three times a week. He returned the calls when he was good and ready, which was usually every two weeks, or if her being with me was convenient for him. I played the game because I was afraid that if I stepped out of line, I would never get to see her. And I knew that being able to see her was far more important than flexing my muscles.

H
EALING WAS AT HAND, WHICH MEANT FORGIVENESS WOULD BE REQUIRED
.

Things reached the boiling point when he blocked his telephone—she could not call me, and whenever I called, it went straight to voice mail. Six weeks into this scenario, I started praying louder and harder, all day, every day. I wasn’t surprised—I was
delighted
—the day she called to ask if I could pick her up for the weekend. I wanted so much to see her and hold her that my immediate response was yes. I would work it out. I would come to get her in the morning.

As soon as I hung up I recognized that the time had come for me to shift out of fear and into a new way of being—
with
him and
for
myself. Healing was at hand, which meant forgiveness would be required. I was willing to forgive him, or so I thought. I called back, got the voice mail, and left a message. I would not be picking my granddaughter up. Instead, I wanted to have a conversation about how we could move forward with less conflict. Five minutes later, he called me back. Two minutes into our conversation, he hung up on me, prompting me to drive to his house.

I had one question I wanted to ask, “What do you want from me?” He had been waiting four years to give me that answer, which he did in a very hushed tone through clenched teeth. I’m not sure what he said, but I was clear that he was hissing at me. It was a warm September day, so I’m not sure why there was a snow shovel on his porch, but there it was, bright and shiny, making itself known to me.

Before I knew what was happening, I had the shovel in my hands and my arms raised up in the air. I was going after him with a vengeance that scared me. Thank God he had the good sense to step backward into his house. As the front door slammed shut in my face, I heard,
“Don’t you move! Do not make another move! This is what he needs to prove his point. This will destroy your life.”

I was stunned. I admit that I have played many roles and been many things in my life, but behaving violently is not a hat I have worn. Then again, this day was different. I had an overwhelming need, urge, and/or desire to beat the hell out of something. And after he hissed at me, this man would do just fine. I am grateful that I had equally strong spiritual grounding that let me know I could make another choice.

I dropped the shovel, feeling totally dazed and disoriented. When he opened the door again, the same inner guidance that had adverted the previous potential disaster gave me the next instruction:
“Don’t you open your mouth! Turn around and walk away.”
I was obedient. Now he was coming after me. I never stopped walking. I could not discern all of what he was saying until he screamed at me,
“You killed Gemmia, and everybody knows it but you!”

I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. Every muscle in my body was convulsing. I am still not sure how I found my keys or sped out of his driveway, spewing gravel in every direction. Racing like a bat out of hell down the quiet streets of the neighborhood, I started praying,
“Have mercy, Lord! Forgive me, Lord! Restore me, Lord! Your grace is my sufficiency! Have mercy, Lord! Forgive me, Lord.”
I felt lost. Actually, I was lost. My mind was racing so fast, I didn’t recognize where I was and didn’t know where I was going. I kept driving and praying until I received my next instruction,
“Remember Lucy.”

Lucy was Gemmia’s grandmother, my first husband’s mother. I married him as a 19-year-old, guilt-ridden, shame-filled single mother. A month after our wedding, he was deployed to Vietnam. He came back a year later addicted to heroin. After I gave birth to Gemmia, he was arrested for burglarizing his mother’s home. He fled New York to avoid prosecution. He had been gone almost three years when I started dating my second husband.

Lucy, my ex-mother-in-law, wanted to remain connected to my children and me. I couldn’t even look at her. She represented my past and my past mistakes. I wanted to shut the door on that period of my life, but she had her foot in the door. Now that I was in a new relationship with a man who wanted me and accepted my children, I no longer had a need for her. Rather than have the conversation about how to adjust our relationship, I avoided her, at all costs to her heart and my soul.

“R
EMEMBER
L
UCY
. …” S
HE REPRESENTED MY PAST AND MY PAST MISTAKES
.

When Lucy would call, I was short, curt, and always busy. Although she never missed a birthday, Mother’s Day, or Christmas, I always had excuses for not bringing the children to visit and for not inviting her to visit them. As horrifying as it was to admit to myself, I had done to her exactly what I judged that my granddaughter’s father was now doing to me by withholding my granddaughter.

I represented his past and his relationship with Gemmia, which had not ended well. He was married to another woman now, with other children of his own. In my mind, that had no bearing whatsoever on my relationship with my granddaughter. As I replayed the shovel scenario over and over, I realized that I was now sitting on the other side of the problem. I was now the grandmother longing to be connected to her grandchild, feeling hurt, dismissed, and disrespected for what seemed like no good reason.

T
HERE IS NO SEPARATION … WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF DOING WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE TO YOU, FORGIVENESS DRIVES YOU HEADFIRST INTO PEACEFUL FREEDOM
.

All of a sudden I was filled with enormous compassion for Lucy. I felt her hurt, her sadness, and my own shame. I was barely able to contain my grief as I realized what had happened and what was happening. The best I could do for myself was pull over to the side of the road, weep, and call my best friend Shaheerah. I knew she would walk me through the next moments, hours, or however long it would take for me to digest and understand what was going on. Shaheerah would understand. She would not judge me. Nor would she let me get away with any form of denial. I knew what I had to do because I knew that when you find yourself doing to someone else what was done to you, forgiveness drives you headfirst into peaceful freedom. Lord, did I want to be free.

Forgiving myself was the only way I could get out of the ditch on the side of the road and take myself home. I forgave myself for every judgment I had held about Lucy and my granddaughter’s father. I forgave myself for marrying Gemmia’s father from a place of fear and perceived desperation. I forgave myself for not forgiving myself for being a teenage mother.

In the flash of a moment, I realized that there is no separation. Life is truly circular. What goes around really does come around. Our work, the really hard work, is to recognize when something huge lands at our front door. Forgiveness opens our mind and heart so that we can recognize the healing opportunity when it shows up. The four years of fighting with my granddaughter’s father had nothing to do with him. He was just being himself, living his life in a way that felt right for him. Perhaps one day, his lesson will show up, and he will experience a shift.

My work was to recognize and be willing to tell myself the truth about my own behavior so that I could forgive my past and my current thoughts, beliefs, judgments, and behaviors. Once I was able do that, I drove home and went to bed. There was nothing else I could say or do. There are some aspects of personal healing and spiritual development that are simply exhausting. Forgiving yourself is one of them.

F
ORGIVENESS OPENS OUR MIND AND HEART SO THAT WE CAN RECOGNIZE THE HEALING OPPORTUNITY WHEN IT SHOWS UP
.

D
AILY
F
ORGIVENESS
P
ROCESS
G
UIDELINES

1. Find a quiet place
   where you will not be disturbed for at least 30 to 60 minutes. You can do this work in the morning or just before going to bed. I prefer going through the process at night so I can sleep off any memories that rise to the surface.
   
2. Begin by stilling your mind
   for at least 5 minutes. You may find the
   Stillness Meditation
   on the accompanying CD to be a great support.
   
3. Read the Forgiveness Prayer
   offered with the day’s practice twice, once silently and once aloud. Hearing the prayer will align you with the Holy Spirit, as it is the presence of the Creator that responds to our slightest request.
   
4. Remember to scan the
   Emotional Triggers
   List
   , which will prepare you to dig deep into your consciousness. Give yourself permission to be radically honest with yourself about yourself.
   
5. Using your journal, write and complete each of the 12 Forgiveness Statements.
   Each time you write a Forgiveness Statement, fill in the blank with your most heartfelt thought or memory to access your innermost thoughts and beliefs.
   
6. Perform your Pro EFT™ Forgiveness Tapping Sequences.
   Review the general instructions on
   Tapping into Forgiveness
   , then use your own Forgiveness Statements for the day’s topic and tap on each of the 10 points outlined on the tapping diagram. If you need additional support, watch the Tapping Videos at
   www.ProEFT.com
   .
   
7. Process your thoughts and feelings consciously.
   As you move through the Tapping into Forgiveness practice, give yourself permission and time to experience any emotions or thoughts that may rise to the surface. Record your additional insights and breakthroughs in your Forgiveness Journal. If at any time you feel overwhelmed, listen to the
   Stillness Meditation
   again before attempting to complete your practice.
   
8. Listen to the
   Gratitude Meditation
   on the accompanying CD,
   as it will help to restore your mind and heart to balance.
   
9. Complete the day’s practice
   by spending 5 to 10 minutes in quiet reflection or listen to gentle, meditative music.
   
10. Be sure to do something good for yourself today!
    

I F
ORGIVE
M
YSELF FOR
J
UDGING
M
YSELF

T
oday’s Forgiveness Practice is all about forgiving YOU. This is by far the most self-loving, self-honoring, self-affirming gift you can offer yourself. It is the logical place to start because self-forgiveness opens the heart and the mind to greater possibilities. In addition, not until you have forgiven yourself will you have the courage and compassion to forgive anyone else. You cannot
unsee
what you have seen. You cannot
unhear
what you have heard. What you can do, however, is stop wishing that what
has
happened had not happened. For this reason, I think of forgiveness as a “spiritual laxative”—it eliminates long-held mental and emotional toxins.

Regardless of how bad, wrong, or unforgivable you or your behavior has been, you deserve to be and can be forgiven. No matter how hard, challenging, frightening, unjust, or difficult an experience may seem, self-forgiveness is the path to recognizing that everything is just as it needs to be and was just as it needed to be in order for us to heal, grow, and learn. That’s just the way the universe works.

A P
RAYER OF
F
ORGIVENESS

Precious and Beloved God, My Source, and My Creator:

Today, I ask for and open myself to receive the strength, courage, and compassion required to forgive myself. I forgive myself for all perceived sins, faults, mistakes, and failings. I forgive myself for every thought, belief, behavior, perception, and emotion that I have told myself is bad, wrong, unjust, unloving, and displeasing to You, God. I forgive myself for every hurt, judgment, condemnation, unkind or unloving thought, belief, and perception I have held about or against myself. I forgive myself for any behaviors, habits, or actions motivated by unforgiveness, the unwillingness to forgive myself. I forgive myself with compassion and love. I ask for, accept, and claim God’s forgiveness. Today, believing and knowing that because I have asked, I have received. I am so grateful
.

I let it be!

And so it is!